relapse

Right well you are all going to go absolutely bat shit crazy at me here. I have done something so mental that even I myself can't believe I have done it, and what is more, I have no current intentions of stopping.

As you all know I spent the whole of last year battling with, getting over, and ultimately ruining the life of a certain boy who shall remain nameless. I spent months recuperating. I spent quality time moving on. I shagged people I shouldn't. So now, 7 whole months after I last saw him, when I could finally go about my business and say I was over him, I decided to congratulate myself by SPENDING THE LAST 3 DAYS FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT.

Alas dear brothers and sisters, I have committed yet another ridiculous cliche and shagged my ex.

Again.

How? I hear you cry.

And more to the point the question word for word from my best friend

"What possibly possessed you?!"

It is a question I can not answer. I can't even pinpoint exactly where this started again. We had been chatting on facebook. We had been having deep and meaningful conversations. You will remember the other week I went and had a rendezvous with an opportunistic shagger simply because he who remains nameless had told me he had banged a bird. After this incident I said to him he needed to not tell me he loved me anymore and stop messing with my head. Instead what he did was he said he wouldn't shag about and booked tickets to come and see me. Yes that's right, HE came HERE. And I welcomed him with open arms and legs.

Idiot! Fool! Masochist! Dickhead! Just some of the nouns I would imagine are hurtling through your minds right now.....I have no words.

I was nervous, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. We ended up having a lovely few days. A laugh. And lots and lots of ridiculously hot, passionate, filthy and at some points I'm quite certain must be illegal in some parts of the world, sex.

This is the thing.

It is a great unsolved riddle that we seem to have this inexplicable closeness and deep connection that I have never had before and I think I might be scared I won't ever get again!!! We have had a wonderful few days. I am very sad he's gone.

Of course there are large warning sirens ringing out heavily. Such as we have blatantly said we aren't getting back together. He has also been having sleep overs at this bird he was shagging the other week. He told me this. I don't know why he told me this. He didnt have to. He reckons he's been staying there because its close to work. This bird incidentally....obviously I have stalked the living shit out of facebook to come up with a name and a face (and also incidentally an address, postcode and a google maps image of her fucking front door....seriously, i should fight crime) when I discovered the identity of this bird I was shocked to find she looks like she was born in a fucking fire.

Which begs the question. Why doesn't he just stop fucking about with lesser mortals and just embrace the absolute wonderfulness that is me??!!!!!!!!!!

He reckons I am his best friend. And that I am everything he wants (exact words but he was pissed when he said them) but he reckons he can't stay faithful to me.

WHY THE FUCK NOT

Clearly This last statement tells me all I need to know. I have re-read "he's just not that into you" to be sure but as suspected if someone blatantly says to you they will more than likely shag people behind your back it is fairly safe to assume that you are not the one they want to marry and settle down with and have a happy ever after relationship. I like to daydream and imagine us as the great lovers that make it work against the odds. Romeo and Juliet.... Anthony and cleopatra.....Gavin and Stacey....

Mind you saying that Romeo, Juliet, Anthony and cleopatra all ended up topping themselves and Gavin and Stacey ended up moving to Wales. What do I want? Does what I want even exist?

He reckons he is coming back up to visit in a few weeks. I am scared to bring up the "what is going on" conversation not least because I did attempt to express how I felt on Monday night having consumed numerous shots of tequila and it ended up with me on hysterical tears sobbing. Probably best not to bring it up again I'd say. So what do I do? Shall I carry on quietly and see what happens? Shall I assume he is fucking me about if I don't get any solid reassurance and then begin fucking about myself. There is a young man from our work hell bent on shagging me and we all know how well shagging young boys from the office works out for me.....

I spent today in a bubble of gloom. A horrific knot of anxiety in my stomach. Il level with you. I can not bare the thought of him with anyone else. Especially not someone that looks like the business end of shit. But he has told me he can't be faithful to me. So I must assume he is hopping straight from my bed to someone else's. Is this what I must do to?

The words are still ringing in my ears and every time I think about it I want to run away, delete facebook and throw away my phone. I don't really understand why he is planning another visit to Liverpool if he doesn't want me. I can't be THAT good of a shag. I think iv been friend zoned. If I'm friend zoned I need to ensure that this whole situation is nipped in the bud. He can't be coming round again, he can't be telling me all these I love you's.....

Had the perfect opportunity to go out with the new whippersnapper last night but I just couldn't face it. He has been texting me constantly asking if I'm ok. Can't exactly say no to be honest I'm not iv fallen back in love with my ex. Today is a hide from the world day.

When I got home from work I discovered he had left 2 of his tops here. Oh Christ there is boy evidence in my abode. This just gets worse!!!!! yes.....I put them on......I did refrain from sleeping in them tho.

My best friend informs me big brother is starting again in a couple of weeks. Thank god. Big brother is a tried and tested method of getting over a boy. You literally put it on and sit and obsess over it 24 hours a day, u have a live feed on digital spy, you watch all the associated programmes, and by the time it finishes you have moved on from your ex. I can't believe I have to start getting over him all over again!!!!!!!!!

Right so the plan is to throw myself into work and big brother and avoid all boys until I am feeling stronger.

I am sorry everyone, I'm a tit. Because I have been so naughty I am going to put a pic of myself up seein as no1 knows what I look like so here is a pic slip of me wearing my ex boyfriends top. Judge me.




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Cheaters

Today I was told a heartwarming tale by a young boy who has been with his girlfriend for 3 and a half years.

"Shit, she reckons she's pregnant"
 - Really, is that a bad thing?
"I've got a fucking bird!!"
"Her fucking fanny stunk aswell. I came home afterwards and my junk stunk. I didn't wanna have to start washing my junk at 3am coz my bird was in bed so I just had to spray a bit of febreeze on it and slide into bed and hope she didn't wake up and notice because if she would have grabbed my cock she would have knew"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my view of the relationship world.

A few weeks ago I was introduced to another young boy who had appeared to take a shine to me. He is a new lad in our office. With the memory of the last young office whippersnapper still fresh in my mind I was dubious however what does @singlegalabto do when she decides she will never mess around with a young boy from work again.....she quickly finds an even younger boy in work. 1990. Dear god.

Regardless of this he seemed quite nice, and infinately more mature than the old one possibly because he is ex army so I thought oh what the hell. He asked me out, showered me in compliments, brought me gifts (Well it was cups of coffee but the sentiment was the same) and in general was ever the eager beaver.

Occasionally he would send rather suggestive texts and me in my "butter wouldn't melt" mode doesn't enter into such talk with new ones so I simply said "Have you not had it for a while or something"

And he replied

"Oh, well, heres the thing....shit....I don't know how to say this.....I've got a bird"

WHAAAAAAAAAT

So it transpires this young lad is right down wrongun ally. But get this. He then goes on to tell me that I should give him a chance and he is a nice guy and he is really into me.

Sorry love I don't play second fiddle to anyone. Do I look like bit on the side material to you? Swerved.

He's inconsolable! Asking my mate if he will talk me round and the like. What the hell is he suggesting? He has 2 girlfriends? I be a backup? I just do not get boys at all.

It reminds me of that guy who used to send me messages on facebook about how he really wanted to fuck me and then the next day his statuses would be all about how he was getting married to the love of his life and all this.

I will never understand people. Why not just be single if you want to mess around?!!!!

In more uplifting news I have begun Herbalife and I am rather pleased to say I have lost 8lb in about 10 days with hardly any effort or discomfort at all! It takes a bit of getting used to all this shake replacement business but I will see where I am after a month and give everyone my full opinion.

It is almost 5 months now since I had sex. I think my record is 6 months. I'll be honest kids I am absolutely climbing the walls and I am in dire need of a good hard shagging session......I think by my next blog I will have had one x

Got wrecked and saw a willy

I saw a willy yet I am still a 2013 virgin. Work that one out.
This weekend could not have come quick enough. I have had a shitter of a week due to some gobshite from boyfriends past and I literally could not wait to get right out and party my socks off. I had not seen my Bezzie mate in months, since Amsterdam in fact. We pencilled this date in about a month ago and as I rocked home from work on Saturday afternoon there was my pal sat on my driveway bearing gifts of vodka, beak and clothes she didnt want any more. What a fucking bird.
We hit the vodka straight away. 6pm on our first large one was always only going to end one way. Made a slight schoolgirl error when we realised by around 8pm that we were pretty pissed and had to apply our make up but we were In a "fuck it" frame of mind so didnt care and went out resembling something out of the hobbit. Fit hobbits like but hobbits all the same.
Ungodly size bottle of vodka which started off our night




It was a night out on a shoe string as we are both skint so it was 40quid max. We got bladdered before we went out and got our tame taxi driver to take us and pick us up which he does for half price coz he's fuckin sound like that. So alls we had to spend was soft drinks money and entry into garlands. Winner.
We went to mohitos first which was just alright and then we went next door to bar baa where we danced for a bit when mate stops and says....
"Oh my god, it's Anton Powers...and he's heading towards the DJ box"
Me and my mate love Anton and we basically have stalked the living shit out of the poor boy for years. All the clubs, cream fields, you name it, we've been. It's become hillarious now because recently we have started getting our photo taken with him like full on groupies. We may be almost 30, but quite frankly we do not give a fuck. The man is a bloody musical genius.
Our fella phoooaaaaarrrrrr




We did not however know Anton was going to be there so you can imagine our joy. We stayed for his set, I think he either called us over for a picture or we guilted him into it by showing him other pictures of us together but who gives a fuck it's another one for the collection.
While all this drinking was going on we were of course getting right on it with a couple of bags of columbias finest. It's been a while since I got on the party powder and I'm not ashamed to admit I had a bloody ball.
Next stop garlands... Magical place, it's our spiritual home. I'd not been since boxing night and once in there I must have got over excited and ended up dropping a couple of pills too.....








By the time 5 o'clock rolled around I was ready to leave, I was going to the bad place....I tried to have a word with myself in the taxi but it was no use. I was gone.
I got in bed and started bargaining with myself. You clubbers will know what I mean. Having the "if I survive this night, I will never ever take another substance as long as I live. I mean it" conversation with yourself. "If I just stay dead still itl be alright". "I need a wee again. Again though iv been 15times already". "Have I been asleep?". "Am I just waiting?". "Help".
This went on for a good couple of hours or so when I finally got a couple of hours shut eye and then we decided we would make an emergency dominos order at 11am which made us feel much better. We must be the only clubbers that get HUNGRY after a heavy night on the gear. Sly.




My mate went home about half 1 and by this time my comedown is In full swing. I'm feeling lonely, needy, like I may shed a tear. Still with the "I love you" effects of the ecstasy bubbling around my body I made the rather ridiculous decision to call Andy. He's full of I love you's lately. On this occasion however he chose to inform me he'd banged some bird the night before which fucking depressed me further and I ended up having to pretend it was sound. "Ring me back in 15mins" he said. "I'm just getting on the tube".
I hung up ready to commit. There literally could not have been a better moment for an opportunistic shagger to text me and ask me if I fancied giving him a blow job.
"Really, what's in it for me" I said.
"I may...in fact I will return the favour"
SOLD.
So I did didn't I.

Rang Andy back and said "afternoons perked up no end I'm getting laid il ring u tomorrow". Fuck you arsehole, 2 can play at that game flower. And off I went and had an hours cheeky business with an ex shaggee from last year. It's bloody ridiculous to be fair and he did literally mean blow job I'd only been there about 5 mins and he'd cum....fuming. But if Andy asks I got rattled all over the place and it was boss ok? Sound.
Yes so this weekend had it all. Partying, drugs, slutty behaviour yet shockingly I still have not had any sex this year which I think means I have retained my good behaviour sticker....if you hook up with someone you've had lots before then it doesn't count....right?
My mate doesn't know about the naughty behaviour. Lets see how long it takes her to text me and ask me who it was
Xxx
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ORGASMS - (contains references to masturbation do not read if you dont want to know)

Orgasms....STOPPED

Have you even seen that episode of sex and the city where Samantha loses her orgasms? Well no word of a lie I have been struggling with the same situation the last couple of months and if I am being completely honest I am still not a hundred percent now.

I first started to notice the issue a couple of months ago. I noticed that my orgasms where, shall we say, shit.

Now I love orgasms. I love everything about them. I love the build up, I love bringing myself to the brink and then letting it die down before building up again until eventually I let myself cum in a big massive explosion of ecstasy.

 

There are no problems that aren't made a little bit better by a fucking good orgasm

 

I have it down to a fine art and whilst I do enjoy male company I am more than happy to deliver myself to heaven because I am fucking good at rocking my own world. Lets be honest girls its a rarity to find a man who can do it the way we can do it ourselves. If you find one that can then for fucks sake marry him because he has knowledge of and appreciation for the CLIT

 

 

Most recently however I have found that my orgasms have been eluding me. This is due to a  sad depressing fact. Yet another example of how women still do not enjoy total equality in this world. And that is that while men have a point of no return....a point that once reached it wouldnt matter if they caught sight of their own mother having a shit, they would still jizz...women, well we just don't. We are built differently, and even if we are nano seconds from closing the deal our stupid fucking CUNTS (pun intended) of bodies can still switch it off last minute causing our orgasms to wilt and die away leaving a very unsatisfied and quite frankly pissed off @singlegalatbo

 

Honest to god so I would be in bed all excited having one of my favourite bedtime fantasys thinking alright here we go...when all of a sudden something would be holding me back and I would feel like I had missed the boat and then I would kind of orgasm and have about like 2 fanny gallops and then that would be it. And I would be thinking did I cum? Was that it? Did I just fake an orgasm to myself?

 

 

 

 

 

I CAN'T EVEN FUCK MYSELF

 

This just simply is not acceptable. I am single. I have only myself to rely on and as god is my witness I will CUM AGAIN

 

I decided this must be psychological and I need to get to the bottom of it. There was something just not letting me completely let go and I just can't work out what it is. I have been doing loads of pelvic floor exercises and taking a lot of frustration out at the gym and I am pleased to report that my orgasms the last week or so have been pretty much close to their usual off the rictor scale level but it feels like I am concentrating too much on it....what would happen if I took my eye off the ball? Back to pathetic waste of time orgasms? I am the female equivalent of a floppy cock.

 

I think I am probably going to dedicate tonight to the cause and have a few practise sessions. I don't even have any sex toys at the moment as they got damaged in the flood and I am yet to replace them. There again though I find vibrators are the devils work because yes they are a guarunteed orgasm but they make it harder to come without them. Well they do if you sit there all night having about 5 goes a night like I do, I just don't know when to stop me.

 

Anyway, thats all for now. I will of course keep you updated as to my progress. Still not aqcuired a new boy yet but I do have a my eye on something.... hehe

 

@singlegalabto xxxx

 

 

 

Easter!

Haven't blogged for ages so I thought I'd knock up a cheeky one

Still a large willy shaped hole in my life and we have now passed the 3 month mark since I last bumped uglies. This dismays me a great deal and I am starting to feel like I might jump on a train and go and sit on Andys cock for half an hour just to get laid...obviously I'm joking but you see the situation.

I have been busying myself with other things and I must say I have quite enjoyed the lack of head wrecking that comes with a man and have been having muchos fun with my chums.

Easter weekend was a particularly good one. Good Friday was spent having luncheon with my nearest and dearest and then Friday night was a big night out with my 3 favourite sisters, Queenie, Seal and Sanjay. It was Sanjays birthday and we had got ourself a booth in moniques. We love a booth we do, a shit load of ale for about half the money you would otherwise spend on a night out plus indoor fucking fireworks, what more could a girl want.




I love these sisters, iv known them years and I have a separate friendship with each of them that is so nice. Seal is so called because she loves a tan and we call her factor fuck all on holidays because she refuses point blank to put any cream on and she always goes really brown. She hasn't got a single wrinkle either it's sly.

So we all got fucked up and seal somehow ended up draggin over @thatscouselad who asked me if I was getting messy. When I told him I was taking it easy because I had work in the morning he just looked at me with sheer disgust and walked away, thus destroying any chance i ever had with him. Gutted.

Seen quite a few twitter people in moniques and had a proper ball but like I say I had to rein it in by 3 bells because I had to drag my arse to work in the morning. Sly.

Next day whilst sisters trio where nursing their hangovers I managed to not only get to work but also to take my mate and out kids to the circus! Kids had a ball. We very nearly didnt make it as my mate had gone out too on Friday and gone missing in action but one search party later and we had recovered her. We went to lark lane for a munch first where we saw a fit wrongun. He was sat with a group of other wronguns and was wearing a full Adidas 3 stripe in a bright red shade. It should have been so wrong, yet it was so right. So if anyone was gettin on the Lemo on lark lane on Saturday and was wearing a Santa trackie then just lettin u know I think ur fit.

Got home from the circus exhausted but still managed to do the baby an Easter egg hunt. Sunday was spent eating shit and watching films as I celebrated the good lord rising again.

Made the fuck up too because of this I saw in the paper




My favourite artists work is being shown in out city this summer, I can't wait. Iv already bought my ticket. My favourite painting by him is called paris through the window and is the one i dragged my poor mother across New York to the Guggenheim to buy the print because you can't buy it anywhere else. I don't want to get my hopes up that the original will be in this exhibit but if it is I'm telling you now I'l have a wide on the size of the Mersey tunnel. Just sayin.




Not much to report in the way of boys got a couple who I like at the minute but both are a bit of a challenge, have decided to just see what comes my way. And get on me putting pictures in my blog, decided a few illustrations might be the way forward x

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Flood!

What a fucking week.
On Wednesday morning I was getting up early to go to the gym when I realised All my gym stuff was either dirty or in the wash and still wet. I stuck the heating on and pulled out some clobber and stuck it on the radiator to dry and then went about my business.
After a very long day comprising of spinning being taught by a boxer who made us do punches and jabs to "eye of the tiger" during a gradual hill climb in spin (why? As if spin isn't brutal enough) and then a swim and then a 9-8 shift in work I was so happy to return home. Nice bit of dinner and an early night I was thinking. Get my beauty sleep.
I noticed I had left the heating on so the house was really warm. I walked into my room and so tired was I from the day it took me a good few steps to notice there was somewhat of a squelching sensation coming from beneath my converse.
Here is the thoughts that unfolded in my head word for word
"Have I spilled a drink?"
"Must have been a big drink to get all the way from the bedside table to the door"
"Was it a bottle of something?"
"Hang on I didn't take a drink to bed last night"
"And there is water all down the side of my.....and under... OH. MY. GOD"
My entire bedroom floor was under at least an inch of water, in some places it was 2. At first I thought a pipe had burst but when I turned around I saw that my radiator was urinating a steady stream of water all over my laminate floor.
Totally forgetting that I am in fact a responsible adult, I sort of just stood in the flood and wondered what to do. I went and sat on my bed and text all my mates to tell them about the unfolding incident. I considered ringing my dad but I didn't think he would appreciate a phonecall from me at this hour....what with him being in China and it being silly o'clock in the morning there. In fact I could hear exactly what he would have said to me if I had called him. It would have gone something along the lines of "what the fuck do you expect me to do about it I'm on the other side of the world. You know what you need to do, ring the home emergency insurance and while your at it grow the fuck up"
Anyone else feel like a 10year old when some sort of disaster occurs if you have never had to deal with it before? I was well and truly in damsel in distress mode. I waited for a knight in shining armour to rock up and sort the shit out for me but sadly i realised that I would have to go it alone. Fuck this. I'm a fucking adult here. I can handle this situation. Rang the home insurance...shut. So then I rang the home emergency cover people that I get with my bank account and they said they would send someone out within the hour. At first they were a little bit patronising when I mentioned leaky radiator but after I had described the Noah's arc landscape that was my bedroom they agreed to help me out. Triumphant I decided I would attempt to do some more problem solving and began to stick some tape over the hole to stop the water coming out. Failed miserably on this front and had to settle for a bowl under the radiator until assistance arrived.
As of now the leak has stopped and the insurance company have been out and took the floor up and installed a big drying fan device in my bedroom to dry the room out. Then I shall have to set about getting a new bedroom and living room and then replacing all the stuff that got wrecked. All in all this is not the dream. In fact I would go as far as to say I'm pissed off with it.
I spent the whole of yesterday basically just gutting my bedroom. I had to dismantle my bed to get underneath it to mop the water up. For some reason I decided to Hoover and mop the floor which now seems like a rather ridiculous waste of time noting my flooring is now on the skip.
Chris laid that floor. He also decorated the room and constructed the bed. He was a class a cunt but as well as being a phenomenal fuck he was also very good at doing man things round the house. That reminds me I must text his best mate back and see when this dates happening
Other than flooding disasters there is not much to report. Be 3 months soon since I last got laid and I actually can't remember the last time I sorted myself out either.....? Most unlike me that, I'm normally at least 3 times a day. Must up my game, I don't want to become sexless!!!!
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What a wanker

I had an abusive call yesterday. As you may or may not know I work in a call centre and yesterday I experienced my first ever properly abusive phonecall. A bloke rang up wanking down the phone to me.

Well I couldn't fuckin breathe. First of all he rang up wanting to know something about a payment. He kept taking ages to answer my questions so i just assumed he was a thicko. Then after he'd been quiet for a while I said "so is there anything else I can do do for you" and he was all breathless and then he said "I'm wanking"

Well what the fuck dya say to that?!! I put him on mute and shouted to everyone in the office that I had a wanker on the phone. "What's he said babe" they asked me.
"He's said he's wanking!!!!"

Said to my manager should I release the call and she said fuck that keep him on so we can trace him!!!

So I did. He told me he thought my accent was dead sexy, and that he was wanking and could I see all his personal information and would I give him a ring and then my manager finally got dialled into to the call just in time to hear him say "iv just cum. I wish it would have been inside you".

Well I was traumo'd. My virgin ears weren't made to listen to such filth!! What an absolute fucking weirdo though!!!! Who the fuck would want to ring our work when they were feeling horny it's the least horny place ever. Urgh vile hahaha he was 42 imagine pure sad Middle Aged freak getting his rocks off wankin himself off to unsuspecting young girls on phone!!!!! Had to have a kit Kat and a calm down after that !!! The fucking incident report was the best though it was something like
"Customer continually went silent on call. Consultant probed further customer stated he was masturbating. Consultant requested he refrain from masturbating. Customer continued to masturbate before informing consultant he had ejacualted. Customer indicated he wished he could have ejaculated inside consultant. Call terminated"

Fucking madness he'll get all his business cancelled now! Imagine a company ringing you up and saying "we are awfully sorry we are closing your accounts down I'm afraid you have been sexually abusing the ears of our staff" imaaaagine hahaha I may still report it to the police, I think work might report it anyway but honest to god I feel violated

"Your only fucking livid coz u normally charge 1.50 a minute for that" my sympathetic work colleagues said to me. Fuckers.

Still fuming about the party invitation swervage. Was mainly fuming because when my mate told him I was offended he said
" well she can go and join (insert name of boy no one likes who also wasn't invited here) can't she." Fucking cheek of it! That really pissed me off yano that's why I ended up saying something. Like I said yesterday he told me I wasn't invited coz the chick he likes was going. Iv got more of a chance with prince Harry than hes got with this chick. And today I was informed that he got that pissed at his party he wrecked his own house, smashed all the ale bottles that were full, caused the police to turn up and almost set himself on fire.....and he wonders why she thinks he's a tit. After hearing all that I actually kind of think he's a tit now too.

Fuming tonight because Iv just been driving home whilst comitting numerous traffic offences simultaneously with the tunes blaring when some tit out of work started flashin his lights behind me at the lights, well I thought I was gettin pulled over again didn't I. So I did, and then I realised it was him and I was like stuck in the middle of the road so I basically had to jump the red light and carry on! Fucking cunt, he's on my list an all!!

Nearing the 3 month mark since my last roll in the hay. Starting to climb the walls a bit now though. Refuse point blank to do a one night stand so I think more than likely I'm going to have to recycle a shag of winters past to get me through this dry spell. Got a couple of candidates in mind so we shall see how it goes but if iv not fallen deeply in love by the end of the month then someone is going to get very fucking lucky over Easter.







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