I am feeling very down in the dumps this week but I can't quite put my finger on why that is. I hate that. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am basically a nutter.
Just spent an hour on the phone to Andy talking him through his financial situation and getting him ready for his new job and stuff and also a bit of chit chat. As I hung up I thought to myself....I actually can not bare that fucking prick. Why am I talking to him? I don't even think I still feel the need to save him anymore. I don't want him anywhere near my life. I think now I know he is no longer suicidal I am making the decision not to take his calls any more.
I have just realised why I am feeling down in the dumps. It is because I have just spent an hour on the phone to a man I can't stand.
This might sound like I am fucking retarded but it has literally just taken me typing out that paragraph to realise. Andy in my life = Depressed Me. I don't even feel anything for him anymore, he was chatting on about how he has been banging some bird who's shit at blow jobs and I was just thinking to myself I don't fucking care. I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, I'm not anything. I just don't fucking care. Why do I want to sit and listen to the shit sex life of some tit who I used to be with who quite clearly didn't want me. Oh my god no wonder I am depressed that is the most depressing way to spend an hour I can possibly think of. Why am I such a fucking tit?!!!
I have got my phone in my hand right now and I am deleting his phone number.....thats it....its gone....deleted....he brings absolutely nothing to my life apart from stress and also every now and again makes me feel shit about myself. And there is only one person to blame and that is the absolute moron who is writing this blog.
There is something within me that makes me think I can "save" people. I am all giving it beans with the giving advice and the confidence boosting and the positive energy fucking shit when I am supporting other people. But this, my dear readers....this is why the vast majority of my boyfriends have been wankers. Its like I am some sort of one woman priory. I meet a lad, he seems fucked up and disturbed and I think ooooooh eccentric, interesting, this looks fun...then I decide I will try and save them and help them and we will live happily ever after and he will be forever endebted to me for being his salvation and one glimmer of hope his otherwise dark and fucked up life.
What actually happens is I try to save them, they then royally take the piss out of me, fuck escorts behind my back, use me, make me feel like a lesser mortal and then ultimately dump me citing "its all your fault" reasons before returning months later threatening to kill themselves.
THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING FAIRY TALE DISNEY PROMISED ME
So no now, enough, why the bastarding hell am I answering the calls of a gobshite. I wanted his life to be a shitter back in October when I unleashed my reign of terror and I would say I have pretty much achieved that. His life is now shit. Don't want to ruin all my good work now by helping him out of it. He's not suicidal so I no longer have his demise on my conscience. The soft bastard can continue his shit shags in the wreckage of his life without giving me a blow by blow account of it. TA FUCKING RA
Sat in work all day clutching my poor battered jaw after another dental nightmare. Sure that dentist just fucks my teeth up so I have to go back and see him. Anyway had to sit next to people and "coach" them or something....which led to a rather funfilled hour getting interrogated by sum dude about what happened with the young guy from work I was saying about. Didn't even have the fucking energy to enquire how he got this information as I was quite surprised he had heard about it...clearly its got out further than I thought. I am bored by this now so I did what the Americans do and took the 5th. No fucking comment.
I feel so restless. Do you think it is because I am sexually frustrated? I don't. I am not even bothered. I am getting to a stage where I would quite like a boyfriend. A proper one though thats dead fit and is also a GROWN UP thats very important I think I need to be looked after for a bit. In fact what I need is the exact opposite of Andy.
What I want
- 25 at the BARE MINIUM preferably 28-35
- Employed in a proper full time job requiring intelligence and poise
- Own place, car and money in the bank
- Level Headed, mature
- Loving, funny, secure
- Fit
What Andy Was
- 25years old going on 14
- Father Christmas puts in more hours than Andy
- Squatter, pedestrian, debatable income
- Bananas
- Nasty, funny, unhinged
- Roller Skater
I think it is clear to see where I have been going wrong.
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