Wednesday, 29 May 2013


Right well you are all going to go absolutely bat shit crazy at me here. I have done something so mental that even I myself can't believe I have done it, and what is more, I have no current intentions of stopping.

As you all know I spent the whole of last year battling with, getting over, and ultimately ruining the life of a certain boy who shall remain nameless. I spent months recuperating. I spent quality time moving on. I shagged people I shouldn't. So now, 7 whole months after I last saw him, when I could finally go about my business and say I was over him, I decided to congratulate myself by SPENDING THE LAST 3 DAYS FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT.

Alas dear brothers and sisters, I have committed yet another ridiculous cliche and shagged my ex.


How? I hear you cry.

And more to the point the question word for word from my best friend

"What possibly possessed you?!"

It is a question I can not answer. I can't even pinpoint exactly where this started again. We had been chatting on facebook. We had been having deep and meaningful conversations. You will remember the other week I went and had a rendezvous with an opportunistic shagger simply because he who remains nameless had told me he had banged a bird. After this incident I said to him he needed to not tell me he loved me anymore and stop messing with my head. Instead what he did was he said he wouldn't shag about and booked tickets to come and see me. Yes that's right, HE came HERE. And I welcomed him with open arms and legs.

Idiot! Fool! Masochist! Dickhead! Just some of the nouns I would imagine are hurtling through your minds right now.....I have no words.

I was nervous, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. We ended up having a lovely few days. A laugh. And lots and lots of ridiculously hot, passionate, filthy and at some points I'm quite certain must be illegal in some parts of the world, sex.

This is the thing.

It is a great unsolved riddle that we seem to have this inexplicable closeness and deep connection that I have never had before and I think I might be scared I won't ever get again!!! We have had a wonderful few days. I am very sad he's gone.

Of course there are large warning sirens ringing out heavily. Such as we have blatantly said we aren't getting back together. He has also been having sleep overs at this bird he was shagging the other week. He told me this. I don't know why he told me this. He didnt have to. He reckons he's been staying there because its close to work. This bird incidentally....obviously I have stalked the living shit out of facebook to come up with a name and a face (and also incidentally an address, postcode and a google maps image of her fucking front door....seriously, i should fight crime) when I discovered the identity of this bird I was shocked to find she looks like she was born in a fucking fire.

Which begs the question. Why doesn't he just stop fucking about with lesser mortals and just embrace the absolute wonderfulness that is me??!!!!!!!!!!

He reckons I am his best friend. And that I am everything he wants (exact words but he was pissed when he said them) but he reckons he can't stay faithful to me.


Clearly This last statement tells me all I need to know. I have re-read "he's just not that into you" to be sure but as suspected if someone blatantly says to you they will more than likely shag people behind your back it is fairly safe to assume that you are not the one they want to marry and settle down with and have a happy ever after relationship. I like to daydream and imagine us as the great lovers that make it work against the odds. Romeo and Juliet.... Anthony and cleopatra.....Gavin and Stacey....

Mind you saying that Romeo, Juliet, Anthony and cleopatra all ended up topping themselves and Gavin and Stacey ended up moving to Wales. What do I want? Does what I want even exist?

He reckons he is coming back up to visit in a few weeks. I am scared to bring up the "what is going on" conversation not least because I did attempt to express how I felt on Monday night having consumed numerous shots of tequila and it ended up with me on hysterical tears sobbing. Probably best not to bring it up again I'd say. So what do I do? Shall I carry on quietly and see what happens? Shall I assume he is fucking me about if I don't get any solid reassurance and then begin fucking about myself. There is a young man from our work hell bent on shagging me and we all know how well shagging young boys from the office works out for me.....

I spent today in a bubble of gloom. A horrific knot of anxiety in my stomach. Il level with you. I can not bare the thought of him with anyone else. Especially not someone that looks like the business end of shit. But he has told me he can't be faithful to me. So I must assume he is hopping straight from my bed to someone else's. Is this what I must do to?

The words are still ringing in my ears and every time I think about it I want to run away, delete facebook and throw away my phone. I don't really understand why he is planning another visit to Liverpool if he doesn't want me. I can't be THAT good of a shag. I think iv been friend zoned. If I'm friend zoned I need to ensure that this whole situation is nipped in the bud. He can't be coming round again, he can't be telling me all these I love you's.....

Had the perfect opportunity to go out with the new whippersnapper last night but I just couldn't face it. He has been texting me constantly asking if I'm ok. Can't exactly say no to be honest I'm not iv fallen back in love with my ex. Today is a hide from the world day.

When I got home from work I discovered he had left 2 of his tops here. Oh Christ there is boy evidence in my abode. This just gets worse!!!!! yes.....I put them on......I did refrain from sleeping in them tho.

My best friend informs me big brother is starting again in a couple of weeks. Thank god. Big brother is a tried and tested method of getting over a boy. You literally put it on and sit and obsess over it 24 hours a day, u have a live feed on digital spy, you watch all the associated programmes, and by the time it finishes you have moved on from your ex. I can't believe I have to start getting over him all over again!!!!!!!!!

Right so the plan is to throw myself into work and big brother and avoid all boys until I am feeling stronger.

I am sorry everyone, I'm a tit. Because I have been so naughty I am going to put a pic of myself up seein as no1 knows what I look like so here is a pic slip of me wearing my ex boyfriends top. Judge me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 18 May 2013


Today I was told a heartwarming tale by a young boy who has been with his girlfriend for 3 and a half years.

"Shit, she reckons she's pregnant"
 - Really, is that a bad thing?
"I've got a fucking bird!!"
"Her fucking fanny stunk aswell. I came home afterwards and my junk stunk. I didn't wanna have to start washing my junk at 3am coz my bird was in bed so I just had to spray a bit of febreeze on it and slide into bed and hope she didn't wake up and notice because if she would have grabbed my cock she would have knew"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my view of the relationship world.

A few weeks ago I was introduced to another young boy who had appeared to take a shine to me. He is a new lad in our office. With the memory of the last young office whippersnapper still fresh in my mind I was dubious however what does @singlegalabto do when she decides she will never mess around with a young boy from work again.....she quickly finds an even younger boy in work. 1990. Dear god.

Regardless of this he seemed quite nice, and infinately more mature than the old one possibly because he is ex army so I thought oh what the hell. He asked me out, showered me in compliments, brought me gifts (Well it was cups of coffee but the sentiment was the same) and in general was ever the eager beaver.

Occasionally he would send rather suggestive texts and me in my "butter wouldn't melt" mode doesn't enter into such talk with new ones so I simply said "Have you not had it for a while or something"

And he replied

"Oh, well, heres the thing....shit....I don't know how to say this.....I've got a bird"


So it transpires this young lad is right down wrongun ally. But get this. He then goes on to tell me that I should give him a chance and he is a nice guy and he is really into me.

Sorry love I don't play second fiddle to anyone. Do I look like bit on the side material to you? Swerved.

He's inconsolable! Asking my mate if he will talk me round and the like. What the hell is he suggesting? He has 2 girlfriends? I be a backup? I just do not get boys at all.

It reminds me of that guy who used to send me messages on facebook about how he really wanted to fuck me and then the next day his statuses would be all about how he was getting married to the love of his life and all this.

I will never understand people. Why not just be single if you want to mess around?!!!!

In more uplifting news I have begun Herbalife and I am rather pleased to say I have lost 8lb in about 10 days with hardly any effort or discomfort at all! It takes a bit of getting used to all this shake replacement business but I will see where I am after a month and give everyone my full opinion.

It is almost 5 months now since I had sex. I think my record is 6 months. I'll be honest kids I am absolutely climbing the walls and I am in dire need of a good hard shagging session......I think by my next blog I will have had one x