Tuesday, 28 August 2012


In all the blog drama that occured over the weekend I clean forgot to tell you about the absolutely fucking hillarious proposition I received last week!

Sat in ours, bloggin, as per usual when all of a sudden I receive a mysterious tweet.

"How would you like your very own online money pig"

What's a money pig I hear you cry! Well I'm glad you asked kids, I'm glad you asked. Now I, like you, had never heard of this before so I had to google it but basically what the deal is its someone who you humilliate, abuse and generally make a cunt out of, and in return they send you cash and presents. Easy money I thought! Quickly assessed the situation to see if this would make me a prostitute but I concluded that as you never actually meet the pig let alone get naked or do the no pants dance then it is a perfectly acceptable past time. Besides, me? A hooker? I can't fucking give it away at the minute let alone sell it.

So I was getting quite excited about the fact that all I had to do was basically send this dude a few messages and tell him what a prick he was and he would pay for the pleasure. Its a proper fetish..financial domination. Dudes that get their rocks off by parting with cash. Very bizaare if you ask me. It sounded too good to be true, so I asked for a bit of further information.

Well, it was too good to be true. I asked him what exactly I would have to do and it turned out I was meant to make him to gross things and then tell him what a dirty bastard he was for doing them. And when I asked what type of things, I was presented with the following list of things he had been aske to do by previous "mistresses":

Use anal toys on himself and then lick them afterwards
Fuck unusual items such as dog food
Lick the toilet bowl
Wank over his food and then eat it
Just Wank off into his hand and then lick it
And my personal favourite...

Go and get his wifes knickers, put them on, piss himself, and then put them in his mouth.]

WHYYYYYYYYY DO THESE FUCKING NUTCASES FIND ME?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I replied and basically said eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you fucking dirty bastard that is vile.....well he fucking loved that didn't he!!! In fact I'm a bit fuming I didn't get £50quid just for the pleasure of the conversation. He also sent me the link to some blog of an established financial dominatrix and she's there on a video bold as brass playing a voicemail of one of her pigs wanking down the phone whilst oinking like a pig. I wish I was making this up but I'm deadly fucking serious.

It wouldn't have been so bad if it was just sending him a few messages but the dude was expecting me to think up similar shit for him to do and then I think I was meant to sit and watch him do it via skype or webcam or some sort of video message. What do I want to sit and watch some dude eating his wifes pissy knickers for? It'd put me off my dinner that would. Oh god the thought of it is making me want to throw up. So I concluded it just wasn't for me but if any of you chicks out there are looking for some extra cash and are not adverse to watching a bloke shagging a tin of chappie with a toilet brush up his arse then I can put you in touch with a contact of mine....vile.

Have just about got over the blog abuse that I suffered at the weekend. I'm still going to refer to him as Ryan because I refuse point blank to be accused of naming him even thought its own stupid ginger fault that every fucker now knows its him. I deleted him off my bbm on Sunday in a fit of rage. I'm so annoyed he betrayed my confidence like that!!!! Making out like he was fuming that he was in the blog. Firstly, he wasn't named, Secondly I have never mentioned anything that could make an average person realise who I was talking about, thirdly, if he had a problem with it then he should have come to me and said listen would you mind taking it down the bits about me instead of having a public nervo, fourthly he was barely in it anyway, and finally if you don't want to be in it/ people to read it/ people to know its you, then its probably not a good idea to tweet it 3 times to your 16k+ followers IS IT. Tit.

Had to try and put the whole blog drama out of my mind as I had the interview today for the job I really want. It went well but theres stiff competition so we'll just have to wait and see. Won't be too gutted if I don't get it as I know I did my best but fingers crossed. I'll just blame ryan for distracting me if I don't get it hahaha!!!

Thinking of ordering a dominos now...its tuesday which means il get 2.....#fatbastard

@singlegalabto xxx

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Irish Barmen and Angry blog characters

Well its been quite a weekend thus far! Friday afternoon I had arranged to meet my friend in town for what was supposed to be a quiet drink. Oh sweet Jesus of Nazereth it was anything but. Got to a bar in town and started off with a glass of wine...which then led to vodka...which then led to cocktails... I had had absolutely nothing to eat all day and so you can imagine the state I was in. We had dinner about 8pm which I can barely recall and then we went back to a bar for more drinks.

There was this little Irish dude behind the bar, and me being the pisshead that I am had decided I wanted to chat him up.

"How old are you?" I said
"22, why" He said
"Oh...." *sly little smile to myself.
"Why?????" He said!!
"I was just wondering"
"Oh right, How old are you?!"
"24" I lied, nothing wrong with knocking a few years off now and again is there?

So I went back to my friends for a bit and then decided I needed another drink. Now my recollection of this is very hazy but somehow he must have suggested meeting me downstairs by the toilets and to cut a long story short I ended up in the kitchens with him havin a snog!!

Went home and woke up the next morning feeling VERY sorry for myself. I'm too old to be snogging barmen!!! Spent the day throwing up and vowing NEVER AGAIN!!!.celibacy drive is still very much in tact. I have entered day 43 now. Trying my hardest to concentrate on this interview I have next week with no distractions.

Anyway in other news one of the people in my blog appears to have gone fucking nuts overnight and tweeted my blog to all his followers wanting it to be shut down!!! I wouldnt even mind but he is barely in it!. So I closed it down for a bit and removed most of the stuff about him. If he's gonna get all fucking emotional about it. Ridiculous. This wouldn't normally be a problem but hes got thousands of followers and I just can't be arsed taking any shit off people around him. I'm upset though. He is supposed to be my friend and I feel like he's creating drama out of nothing!! Told him about the blog ages ago, he seems to have just read it now and taken offence. Wouldn't mind but believe you me I could fill hundreds of fucking blogs with that dudes escapades. AND I havent used his real name. Whatever. Also had lots of texts and a voicemail off him in the middle of the night calling me all the evil cunts going. I have a sneaking suspicion I know the real reason he is making a song and dance about having a go at me, which I won't go into.... #saynotartopricks

So I have taken most of the stuff about him out. I feel this now also means that Andy will see the blog. Now Andy knows the blog exists, he also knows I must have written not very nice things about him as I text him and told him loads of people think hes a cunt at the time when I was upset. I was considering taking it down so that he wouldn't see it but then I thought, hang on a minute. Why should I??? I'v done nothing wrong. I haven't lied, in fact that is exactly how I was feeling at the time. Maybe he will see it and realise what he put me through. Or maybe not. Fuck it anyway I've got nothing to hide.


Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Sex on the Beach...

In the absence of any current sex I want to tell you all a little story of one of the best sexual experiences of my life thus far...

It was last November. The annual Dream Team re-union had come around and myself, Suzie and Bianca had chosen a cheeky little get away to Tenerife. Thanks to Suzie's amazing travel skills we had managed to secure flights and 4 nights accomodation for about £130.00 quid. We all flew out alone from our respective airports leaving cold wet Britain behind and where soon jumping for joy in the Canarian sun.

Our holiday was fabulous. We just laid on the beach all day long and then went out and got hammered of an evening. Riley off Hollyoaks was on my flight out so we stalked him all round Playa de las Americas. It was grand

On my last night (Suzie and Bianca where staying an extra night but I had to get back for work grrrrr) we went out and we were sitting on the steps of Branigans bar. If any of you have been to tenerife you will know the steps I mean. I was sitting in the middle of Suzie and Bianca and they both got chatting to guys. I was a bit miffed because I had no guy to talk to so I amused myself with laughing gas and buying large syringes full of vodka jellys. It was only when we stood up to leave to go to a different club that I realised how bloody pissed I was.

We decided we would go to this great little club called Tibu which there is also one in Marbella. The music was brilliant and we where up for a good rave. As we approached the club there was a handsome guy doing the PR on the door. Evening Ladies, he said as we walked passed, and somehow I ended up kissing him. Right there and then just walking into the club I sort of drifted away from the direction of the entrance and gave him a steamy kiss. I pulled away and gave him a wink. He was smiling and had a look on his face like "did that just happen" so I smiled back and walked into the club.

"Fuckin hell he's fit!!!" I said to my girlies. "Fucking deserved that after you two have been on the pull all night, I needed some action!!!". They where both laughing at me. We danced our socks off and drank loads more until it got to about 5am when my mates said "come on you best get back your flying home tomorrow". Sooooo wasn't ready to leave and I had a full drink so I drunkenly tried to smuggle the drink out with me in my bag.

I saw the fit guy still outside. Suzie and Bianca had nipped next door to get a Kebab so I sat down next to the hot guy who's name I discovered was Bobby and chatted for a few minutes. Then, and to this day I will never know what led me to say this, but I turned to him and said...

"Hey Bobby, have you ever had sex on the beach?"

Well he thought it was fucking 25th of December that boy did. Eyes lit up like a kid watching Santa land on his Chimney, wonder, disbelief and sheer unadulterated excitement.

"No I haven't actually" he stuttered out.
"Well d'ya fancy it?" I said laughing but in a tone that he knew I wasn't fucking about
"Are you serious?" he said, jaw on the floor
"Of course! I've been sunbathing topless all day on the beach and was getting well horny, and I was imagining having sex on the beach! I'm going home tomorrow so this is the last chance I'll get this holiday, and I think your really fit!"
And with that I took him by the hand and skipped him off down the street. Bianca and Suzie where calling after me so I just said "I'll see you in a bit girls, I just gotta do something"

I was pretty much marching down to the beach and Bobby was sort of doing a light canter to keep up with me. "Are we actually going to do this??" He squeaked..."Course we are!Unless you don't fancy it??" I said. "Oh I'm up for it alright, I just can't believe this is happening! This type of thing never fucking happens to me" said Bobby. If he would have had a tail it would have been wagging its little self to death god love him. So I said "Oh behave yourself, you expect me to believe a little fittie like you isn't getting Jiggy every night of the week out here??!" "Im serious! I'm not like all the guys out here." he said. "Listen love, i'm flying home in 6 hours, theres no need to start all that shite with me babes, lets just have a ball" I said. They had defo laced those vodka syringes with VIXEN.

As we approached the beach Bobby asked me how I wanted to do this...

"Well I mean my proper fantasy is to lay down on the sand and have hot passionate sex however I realise that could get messy and also perhaps painful what with the sand and everything so how about we get on one of those sun loungers, shag, and then I'll see how I feel and if I feel like we need to do it again then we'll just have to do it again on the sand"

And with that Bobby lay me down on the sunlounger and we proceeded to have the best sex I have ever had. It was fast and furious, steamy, literally everything you could possibly want from sex. He had THE best touch of anyone I have come across and it just,,,,,clicked....if you know what I mean. When we had finished we just sort of sat and looked at each other, staring into each others eyes under the stars by the sea.

"Fuck me that was a bit decent wasn't it???!" I said, breathless, with a lolly ice stick in my hair
"Oh my god" he said. "Did I just dream that?"
"Nope, it happened. Seriously though bloody hell for a one night stand we fucking knocked that one right out of the park didn't we?????"
Bobby was sat on the sunlounger just smiling and looking at the sky. I think he might have been thanking the sex gods for the wonder that its @singlegalabto . Either that or he had been shooting up halfway through and I hadn't noticed
"Anyway babes I'd best be making a move, gotta fly home tomorrow!"

"WHAT??????" Bobby screamed? "Are you fucking serious?? You can't just leave! Come back to my place! I don't even know your name!!! Please don't leave!"

"I have to, my friends will be worried"
I reached into my bag to get my phone and realised the drink I had tried to smuggle out earlier had formed a small pond in my bag and my phone was soaking and broken. Shit

"Right bobby it appears I have no phone. It is 6.30am, my friends will be asleep. Purely for the reason that I am homeless, I will come back with you."

Bobby did a cartwheel in his head

So we went back to his place where we proceeded to have 3 more fabulous shags. I did not fake a single orgasm. Best oral technique I have ever come accross. Nice combination of oral and hand action, and as for me, well I was like a fucking gymnast. It was just amazing sex. Not just because of how hot it was, it was intense and there was just this chemistry between us. We fell asleep in each others arms.

11am dawned...I woke up...SHIT

"Oh my fucking God I should be at the airport right now!!" I was frantically shouting!
"Its ok babe don't worry you'll make it. God your amazing!" He said
"Oh swerve all the your amazing shit will ya I've already told you, theres no need for all that"
"And I've told you i'm not like that!" he said. "Can I have your number?"

I wrote down my number and my name, kissed him goodbye and ran back to my poor worried mates. I resigned myself to that fact I would probably never see him again but congratulated myself on a job well done. Couldn't believe I was that brazen!!!

"Oh HERE SHE IS, fucking shagbag! We've been worried about you!!!" Bianca and Suzie laughed as I did the, er, run of shame into the apartment to gather my shit together! "Sorry girls, yano how it is!  Gotta run the airport now I'll text you when I'm home!"

My phone still wasn't working, I had to put it in the airing cupboard. About 9pm that night I got my laptop out and logged into facebook and to my absolute joy and delight there was a friend request and a message off my lovely Bobby saying what a wonderful night he had had.

And we have spoken pretty much ever since. We speak on facebook, bbm, texts. He lived in tenerife until January, moved back to the uk and now he's in Marbella for the summer. We often talk about the amazing night we had. I know this is going to sound ridiculous but we both believe we "shared a moment". I would love to see him again, but with him abroad its not really possible. And also I worry that if I ever did see him again it might not live up to what is currently one of my favourite memories. He's helped me through the terrible time I had when my aunty died. I've helped him through shit he's had. We have a very special...."thing"

So thats my story of my sex on the beach. The moral of the tale? Being a complete whore gets you everywhere
@singlegalabto xxxxx

Sunday, 19 August 2012

I text stalker jay back..

Fuck it, decided to text the nutcase back

I said "you need psychiatric help"

he replied straight away with "who's this"

lad, are you fucking shitting me here??

so i sent him screen shots of all the messages i had received which included his "who's this" that he had just sent so he couldn't deny all this shit came from his phone and then it went like this:

Me: DOCTORS, NOW! Delete my number, don't ever text me again. Do not reply. This is NOT a conversation. Wierdo

(i stole the do not reply this is not a conversation part from one andy had sent to me the other week do you remember?? The knob comes in handy sometimes haha..haven't heard from him in over a week now by the way, think he is defo RIP now. Winner)

Stalker Jay: Listen, I don't know who you are. I certain didnt send that crazy stuff. left phone in the pub. Delete my number plz

Me: How are you texting on it now then if you left it in the pub you absolute freak of nature its half 9 in the morning! AND you've blocked me on facebook after you saw my public FUCK OFF! And I'll be saving this number just in case you ever have another scitzo episode and do this again so I will know its you!! You will NEVER get laid.

Stalker Jay: Listen, i don't know who u r! And i got my phone at 9am from pub! stop textin me wierdo
Stalker Jay: You freak, dont even know u!Stop textin me

So i think what he is trying to say is that he is an innocent bystander, he went for a drink in his local pub, an unknown mad man who is simarly name Jay somehow became in posession of his phone, text me all night with tales of chopping people up into dog food, and then returned to the pub at the crack of dawn to put the phone back where he found it, so that the real Jay could go and collect it at 9am. I think he's full of shit. Anyway, he's been told now. He can be under no illusions that I want to be his mate.

In other news I am absolutely destroyed after a belter night out last night. Ended up rolling out of Garlands at wrong o'clock sucking on an ice pop off one of the trannies. You can't say fairer thant hat can ya

You know when your on a night out and you get a toilet cubicle which doesn't lock, does anyone actually sit on the toilet just carefree and hope that someone doesn't push the door open? Or are you like me, do you turn into mad contortionist holding the door shut mid piss? Here's what i do. I sit on the toilet and lean forward and push the door shut with my hand. Then, when it comes time to wipe, i lean back, put my foot against the door then take my hand off and use it to get the toilet paper, then i put my hand back on the door and take my foot off to wipe You will notice that there are 2 points when both my hand and foot are on the door, whilst I am sat on the toilet...visualise it. THEN i stand up still holding the door with my hand, turn around, put my back to the door whilst pulling knickers up in a sort of wierd, back against the door shimmy sort of fashion, flush, and then I am ready to leave the cubicle. Surely I can't be the only person that does this?!!

Lay in bed all afternoon trying to refocus my eyes. My symptoms are a bad case of spinny head, sick feeling that I have now got under control but it was touch and go whether i was going to have a spewage. I am literally sweating out pure vodka. I've only had about 3 hours sleep so I am knackered and I could really do with someone to come and just bath me and put me to bed really. Any takers? I knew when I was stood in the off licence saying " 2 capri sun pouches and a bottle of vodka please" that it was going to be a heavy night. On a positive note it cost me next to nothing because we were being scouse and doing handbag vodka.

I'm gonna try and sleep this off tonight, I've sat in bed all day eating a domino's and so I feel like an obese fat fuck that needs her mouth sewing up and all. Gym tomorrow. Defo Defo Defo

Oh an me hair looked boss aswell last night, best mates bought a hood thats like a tube that goes from ur hairdryer into a hood you put over your head. Singed our ears and made us look like we were in arabian nights whilst wearing it but bugger me our hair was fab.

@singlegalabto xxx

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Stalker Alert

I have a strong message of warning for you my dear readers...Never, respond to a text message you receive from a number you do not know.

A few months ago you may remember me talking about some dude who wanted to take me on a date but I couldn't decide if he was fit or not by his profile picture. The dude in question became the bane of my life and his stalking culminated last night in what can only be described as psychotic text behaviour.

The story begins when I received a random message on facebook a few months ago from this guy called Jay. He seemed alright, decided I would play ball and reply to him and ended up swapping numbers. It was right after the Andy break up incident so I was feeling in need of a new dude.

He was texting me constantly which was alright but a bit much, but I could tell he was going to be doing my head in. Then he rang me, and his accent was some sort of north Liverpool / St Helens affair and I concluded I couldn't possibly go out with him because I didn't like his voice, and what he was saying was not much better. He wanted to take me on a date in a hot air balloon. A fucking hot air balloon. I had never even met the guy, and he used the phrase "hot air balloon". It just seemed like he was trying far too hard and was a bit desperate. I felt a bit sorry for him but decided I would not be going on the date and he certainly wouldnt be getting me above sea level. As I had never met the guy before I didn't think it was necessary to have a break up conversation, I thought I would just phase him out, start swerving his texts and only replying one word answers, you know, the usual. Unfortunately this only seemed to encourage him further. He earned his nickname "7 texts" after one afternoon when he sent me 7 text messages throughout the day and I had not replied to a single one of them. He was saying how I seemed distant and things had changed and did I not want to go out with him anymore. It was at this point that I said to him "look mate, we have never even met, you text me constantly all the time, it is unacceptable. You have just sent me 7 texts and I haven't replied to any of them."

He text me again a few times saying he was sorry and he hoped he hadn't ruined things. What things?!!! I have never met you!! Ignored his texts from this point on. Over the next few months I got at least 5 texts off Jay saying "new number". I never saved any of them. I am unsure if he was changing his number all this time, or he was just sending me the same number over and over again. He also sent me a message on facebook the other week asking me what the best price for a return ticket to London was. He must have seen on facebook that I was travelling there regularly. I ignored this too.

Last night my phone went. I was asleep and it woke me up. There was a message from a number I didn't know. I didn't even click that it might be this guy, but it fucking was. What followed was absolutely demented:

Stalker Jay: Hey hows u??
Me: Whos this??
Stalker Jay: Jay this is my new number
Me: *silence*
Stalker Jay: Fuck u hard, wud cum many times, why not
Stalker Jay: Who's this??

I was fucking annoyed, I was all disorientated from being woken up and I was pissed off it was because of this little wierdo sending me shit like this. I decided I would publically tell him to do one. He was still friends with me on facebook so I changed my status to:

"Oh my god I'm fuming! Was just nodding off when I receive a text off a number I do not know saying "hey u ok?". I ask who it is and its some fucking wierdo who I have been swerving since april! I do not want to go out with you, yes I am ignoring you, go on the trainline if you wish to find out ticket prices to london, and no I do not wish you to "fuck me hard, make me cum many many times why not" WHY NOT?!!! Because you are a fucking FREAK! You know who you are! Delete my number!! Fuck Off! Never contact me again!"

I also uploaded a screen shot of the text. I felt satisfied, switched my phone off and went back to sleep.

This morning I awoke to what can only be described as a full on pyschotic text breakdown. It went like this:

Stalker Jay: Tom this is last warning lad, or am comin down!
Stalker Jay: This jen, put you into dog food fat cow, if you ring tom again, slut
Stalker Jay: Stop ringing me, this jen, u know who i am , will burn u down bitch
Stalker Jay: Don't know who the fuck u are, but give me any crap an wil fuck u up, u dickhead, am from preston, come down, knobhead, fat twat
Stalker Jay: Listen am comin down chop u up
Stalker Jay: Soz wrong number, don't know who u r, was for my gf lol
Stalker Jay: Stop textin me or come down, fuck u up dickhead
Stalker Jay: Will u stop textin me tosser, or will come down an pop you fat dickhead

I am not sure what to say people!! What the actual Fuck?!!! Who is Jen and Tom?!!! I checked and noticed that he has blocked me on facebook, so I can only assume he saw my status and had some sort of adverse reaction to it resulting in a schizophrenic out burst of multiple personalitys all arguing with each other over text?!!!

I have decided that as much as I would love to reply, its probably best not to encourage Jay/Jen/Tom into further conversation. Definately not going out with him now

in a bit

@singlegalabto xxx

Friday, 17 August 2012

Delayed Gratification

First blog since my return from holidays and I am feeling relaxed and replenished from 7 glorious days stuffing my face and lying horizontal in the sunshine. Holiday was rather uneventful apart from a couple of cranks round the pool including a scouse bird pushing a portugese woman in the pool after an argument regarding water pistols and a wierd cockney bloke who lay not far from me all day long downing glasses of sangria and when it got to about 5pm proceeded to stand up in front of me and start...wait for it...DOING LUNGES...wtf. Text off Andy mid way through holiday saying "I don't miss you"...thanks for the update there Andy. Cunt. Other than that a good time was had by all and I was sad to leave
As suspected it was an orgasm free week meaning I was absolutely steaming when I got home. In the absence of any proper MEN I have decided to take a couple of months off the dude scene and impose a period of abstinence. I am practising my own version of delayed gratification. No fuck buddys, no one night affairs, and, more difficult for me, NO SELF SERVICE. If I do this then when I finally do decide to get back in the saddle (reverse cowgirl, one of my specialities) it should be mind blowing. Thats what they say isn't it? It is 34 days since I last had sex...and, erm, 1 day since I last rocked my own world. Maybe I might start that abstinence period tomorrow actually so its a nice 35 number. Can't be starting on 34. And it will mean I can give myself a good time tonight hehe. I have 2 dudes on the "I could shag you if I wanted to" list at the moment, I am going to phase them both out by leaving longer and longer intervals in between my replies to texts. I don't think either of them are boyfriend/marriage material.
My abstinence period will also allow me to concentrate on the very important matter that is my life. Currently I am obsessed with getting a better job than the one I have currently. That Audi I am dreaming about won't pay for itself. Got an interview in a week or so and I am going to channel all my efforts I usually put into thinking about sex, to working out how I am going to get through this bloody interiew! Been reading some interesting books recently. Most notably "Success Principles!" and "The Power" - the latter being the sequel to "The Secret" both of them are basically saying the same thing. If you visualise what you want, and concentrate on it hard enough, it will happen. The Power puts it down to some sort of magnetic frequency that your thoughts are on or something, Success Principles has a more scientific theory that if you concentrate on something long enough, your subconcious will figure out how to get it and make you make the right decisions that lead to it. Either way, its all about visualisation.
So I am focusing on new career direction at the moment. I am 27 years old and I am skipping into work 3 days a week bored to tears every day. Do I still want to be bored to tears and a part timer when I'm 30?? No fucking way!! I have pissed about for long enough so now it is time to stop letting myself get distracted by rich boys in powerful cars. Although if I happen to come across a fittie along the way who bares a passing resemblance to a normal human being then I may indulge.
Perhaps I will allow myself to visualise the perfect dude once in a while and he might show up!

I wonder how long I will last in my period of abstinence? Avoiding boys is easy....but what else is a girl to do when she finds herself alone and bored..... we shall see

@singlegalabto xx

Monday, 6 August 2012

A letter to Chris...

Just been looking through old emails and found this little gem! This is the email I sent to Chris (the one I spoke about in blast from the past) a few months after we split up. Just thought I would share it with you!!

I had a dream last night that I saw u and told u exactly wot I thought of u an this mornin I woke up all made up!like av finally snapped out of it!
And It seems a shame that u never got to actually hear it so I thought fuck it am gonna tell him!
You, Chris XXX, are quite frankly a loser. You've got absolutely fuck all goin for u. Seriously! Nothing!!!!! Sweet FA!!!! No job, no mates, no house, no hope!!! An I know the only thing u can think of is ur car!!!!!!!
Well uv got ur car I spose, but once uv gotta renew ur insurance an ur credit care stops payin for it in jan, ur essentially fucked there too rnt u!!! I KNOW u stole that hundred quid from me, I saw the cctv. So ur a fuckin nasty thievin little shit aswell.(Haha u think av slagged u off in the past???that was me bein fuckin nice!!!!!!!) I hope u spent it on sumthin worthwhile, ur kids maybe? Doubtful tho I'm thinkin I mean just as if the dude that's give his kids not a yendel in months an wen he gets a 2grand claim does he fund his kids? Does he shite... he pisses off to turkey!!!as if that dudes gonna spend his hundred quid he's just robbed off his bird on anyone other than himself!!!!! How can u actually steal money from sum1?? That's beyond disgustin an u really did excel urself that time didn't u!
See the thing is bellend,it doesn't matter which way u look at it am just completely an utterly better than u in every way shape and form!!I bet u cudnt believe ur luck wen u met me.I kept u in pizza, petrol, sweeties basically paid for literally fuckin everything u freeloading little sponger... I must have been bananas!!!!!see this is why u shud stay off drugs, coz they alter ur mind!!!!!!
U don't give anyone the time of day even ur kids don't get a look in! An if u didn't have ur fuckin laptop ud never be able to speak to anyone at all wud u!!!!!!!
If u did become a rentboy I can only imagine the looks of horror on the customers face wen she's paid a fortune for a dude and they send u!!!!!!! Wot r u gonna talk about wiv no laptop!!!!!!! There's only so many times u can say "uv got nice eyes" before other social skills wud need to come into play which u just don't hav do u!Oh my god am nearly wettin meself laughin at this email I fuckin crack meself up some times!
Wot else??? Oh yeah!!!! Emailin fuckin russians I mean seriously what the hell woz that phase all about u complete gimp.!"I think my soul mates in a shack in chechnya" Dya know what lad I think u cud be onto somethin there
An what about wen I lost my job an I was upset an u came round an sat on my bed and sobbed for hours abt how it reminded YOU how shit YOUR life is??????!!!!!!! And I had to mop YOUR fuckin tears up with the cum tissues!!!!!!!!!! God do u know when I look back!!! Its a good job av got a fuckin sense of humour!!!!! Firstly, u sob wen there's just no need to sob!!! An secondly,,,u use the cum tissues to wipe ur snot up with!!!! An there was me wiv actual problems fuckin comfortin you!!!!!!!!!! Spose its coz u knew iv got the intelligence and drive to always fix my life, whereas u really are in shit street aren't you!!!!!!! An oh my god if I had to listen to "my ex cheated an hurt me, an that's why I am a cunt" one more fuckin time!!!! Lad! Who's fuckin surprised she cheated!!!!!!!!! Ur a twat!!!!!!! An u need to just get over it now coz its been years an noone cares anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And It all could have been so different!!!! but ur fuckin wierdness and inability to relate to anyone an treat ppl u love how they should be has lost u yet another person from ur life which is bad times lad coz numbers where dwindling as it was!!!!!!!
I'm so glad I got to share this with u I really am!!! I feel amazing and I can honestly say that I my friend am well an truly over it!!!! And in the words of the great ms rachel green,,,,"that is what they call, CLOSURE!"
Thank you! And goodnight!!!!!!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

This was a fair few years ago now when I was young and naive. The issues I refer to in the letter was my discovering he had been e-mailing russians off some dating website, suspected he had stole money from my bank account and applying to be a male escort. He also used to spend most of his time on msn and dating websites like are you interested on facebook which is how i actually met him in the first place. It made me laugh at the time anyway sending this haha

@singlegalabto x x

Horny and Shagless...please help

The one main thing I don't like about being single is the fact you don't have regular sex on tap. I have got the highest sex drive of anyone I know, and some days I get this insatiable unrelenting desire to just be rattled everywhere. Does anyone else have this problem? Its driving me mad today. In fact I would say the main reason I ever enter into any relationship is because I get to the point where I can not cope without sex!!!! I know my some of my friends must think I get with these dickheads because i'm lonely or something but seriously now it really isn't that, I don't mind being single, I quite like being free to flit off here there and everywhere without having someone to answer to, and I love my personal space...I very rarely invite boyfriends over to my house I always like to go to them, so I can leave when I like. It really is the sex that draws me in first and formost and then the feelings form after.
I think I must be a bloke
So today I have woken up on one of my absolutely steaming days and no matter what I do or how many times I get myself off I just can't shake it!!! Come on girls we all do it! You know it! Thing about self inflicted orgasms though, and I don't know if anyone else feels this, but I always feel like its too easy. I don't feel like I've worked for it! Plus as much as clitoral orgasms are amazing, sometimes I just want a big fat hard cock. I'm sorry but I do! I just love cock its as simple as that. Vibrators don't do it for me. They are too cold and too...hard...its not the same as proper sex. GOD I NEED SOME PROPER SEX!
This is where I start to make poor decisions.
I have already text a dude I was sort of shagging last year to arrange a repeat performance. Now this ones tricky as for many reasons I won't go into I just shouldn't be going there. BUT the dude knows how to fuck. I'm concerned that I am going on holiday tomorrow with my mum and son therefore entire week is going to be completely orgasm free. I can't imagine I shall be pulling anyone on this holiday. Can't be dealing with portgugese waiters and I would imagine all the hot dudes my age will either be going elsewhere or will be where I am accompanied by their wife and kids...sad times.
Was thinking the other night I'm not sure if I even do want a boyfriend at the moment. My best mate was texting me the other night to tell me she was having a row with her fella over a chinese. At first I thought it was just a messing about argument but it soon became apparent she actually genuinely was fuming with her dude because he'd ate all the meat out of the chinese and then had stormed out to the shop without asking her if she wanted anything. And it made me think back to how fucking tedious all the relationships I have ever been in have invariably become. When they irritate the fuck out of you that fucking much the very fact they have ate all the meat out of you sweet n sour makes you fume to the point you need to speak to your mate about it. Then apparently he came back and sat in silence with his hood up until she had a go at him about storming out and then he went out again to get her biscuits FUUUUCKIN HELL is that what I want??? Sometimes I think relationships are just about settling for less than you originally hoped?? OK so suppose you do find a dude that doesn't lie and cheat on you and be a bastard all the time....even they just end up pissing you off in other ways.
I am convinced part of me actually secretly gets off on all the pain and anguish of a bastard though. I used to think that all the time when I was with my ex that applied to be the male escort. Its like being a masochist. Pleasure pain. I'm into the whole submissive thing. My best friend will tell you I went back to Andy because I wanted love and affection and I tend to just sort of agree with her to her face because its easier to say its that rather than to admit that actually its not that at all...part of me enjoys the not knowing and the instability of it all. IT TURNS ME ON. There, I said it! How fucked up is that. I thrive on danger and reckless behaviour. I always have, in every aspect of my life. Don't get me wrong I would absolutely love the whole feeling of being loved and belonging to someone and all that schnizzle but the fact of the matter is the absolute number one main thing I look for in prospective boyfriends is "can this dude make my insides churn up to the point where I can no longer handle it and then fuck me senseless"...I just need to find a decent-ish guy that can carry this off whilst also not be too much of a cunt. Christian Grey would do. He's faithful, he's fucked up and he knows how to deliver decent orgasms in pretty much any arena. Where the fuck is a real Christian Grey??!!! Taking the other 2 Fifty Shades books on holiday so no doubt I'll end up unable to contain my horniness and copping off with some dodgy looky looky man or something but I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

See you in a week

@singlegalabto xxxx

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Feeling Olympic

After initially not giving two flying fucks about the Olympics, I decided I would get into the spirit of things and start watching. Fuck me, I love it!!! Last night watching Jess Ennis, Mo Farah and that other Ginger long Jump dude getting gold medals for team GB well I was jumping around the living room screaming at the telly like a full on sports fan!! Actually can't wait for the 100meters final tonight when that Usain Bolt goes like the clappers, I bet he breaks his own world record. Boss!
Been a bit of a sportswoman myself this weekend running a sponsored 5k on Saturday Morning!! My auntie died of a brain anneurysm a few days after Christmas and was treated in the Walton Centre Neuro hospital in Aintree for a month before she died so I had been looking for a way to support the charity that funds the hospital and decided I would run like the wind!! My friend made me a vest with my aunties picture on to run in and my mum and cousins girlfriend came to cheer me on. Had a slight emotional breakdown about halfway round but sorted my shit out and managed to run (and walk a bit..ahem) the fucker in 30mins which I'm not being funny is not too shabby. Amazing feeling crossing the finish line and hearing my mum (who never displays emotion about anything) shouting BLOODY HELL LOOK SHE'S HERE ALREADY COME ONNNN!!!! to cheer me on was just fabulous! Managed to raise 602quid for the Walton Neuro Science Fund and work are giving me another 500 so I am really pleased. Incidentally if you have a spare quid and would like to donate you can text UGVM51 £1 to 70070 and when it texts you back just click the link to confirm in the text. Bit of blatant fishing there but its for a very good cause. We are lucky in this city to have access to such amazing specialist hospitals...The neuro centre, alder hey, broadgreen cardiac unit. Even though my aunty didnt make it I feel really good knowing I can help support them.
Right charity fishing over, and onto the shock news...
"FYI I do love you, it is not possible to turn off emotions like a light bulb"
WHAAAAAAT??? This was Friday night, the night before my race.
I almost choked on my Cheerios when I read that.
I replied
"I just almost choked on my cheerios"
He replied again
"And I am really proud of you for raising all that money and seeing it go to a good cause. Good luck tomorrow x"
So I just replied and said thanks. Couldn't be dealing with this situation, I had a race to focus on!
After my race he text me and asked me how I had got on so I told him the time Id ran and then he started going on about how he was losing weight and skating loads and been on a skating tour and bla bla. Not heard anything from him since.
Now admitedly athough I did say I was over him I am only sort of only just over him therefore I am vulnerable to the "Oh he's being nice, il just go back" predicament, however this morning I read a doctor Seuss quote which said

"With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street."

So i'm standing at the end of Andy street and I am walking in the opposite direction. I have to come to realise I would like a boyfriend. But I want one that inspires me and makes me have butterflies in my stomach and knows what good sex is, and is ambitious and successful and fucking LIVES CLOSE BY! Andy is none of these things, and I shall never find this dude if I continue pissing about with idiots. Someone, somewhere would fucking love a gobby scouse over sexed unpredictable reckless maniac....I just gotta wait!!

@singlegalabto xx

Friday, 3 August 2012

Dream team do worcester

Soz abar me, been recuperating after what was basically a 4 day bender. Just what the doctor ordered. There is no greater medicine when you are feeling abandoned, lonely, rejected, essentially just FUCKED OFF by what realistically is a wierd, overweight, socially inept, skate wearing, absolute fucking PILLOCK....than laughter with a couple of bang tidy mates.

I woke up on Thursday morning like a kid at Christmas. I grabbed my little weekend case (now that little fuckers got a few tales to tell, if Tripp weekend cases could talk....) and threw in 4 pairs of knickers and figured everything else was a bonus. Soon time to set off.

Booked myself a first class train ticket down to london so I was sat in the posh carriage supping the free wine meaning by the time I arrived in London town I was a bit on the merry side. The sun was beaming and I was looking fit as fuck. Managed to get myself across London with minimal fuss in spite of the stupid Olympics and when I sat down on the train from Liverpool Street to Brentwood where Suzie was eagerly awaiting my arrival with a bottle of vodka, I found myself with the crotch of a hunk in my face. What more could I ask for.

Got to suzies where we proceeded to get FUCKED UP on her balcony floor. Sat there on a blanket like a pair of homeless people downing vodka and gin until wrong o'clock putting the world to rights, as ya do. This of course meant that by Friday morning dawned (whilst we were still sitting on the floor) we realised that the drive to Worcester where our Bianca was waiting for us may well be a bit of a killer. We tried and failed to get a couple of hours kip before giving up and setting off on our journey.

FYI people, Brentwood to Worcester is a long fucking way. Took 4 hours in Suzies swanky mini and was made worse by a gang of ravers making their way to global gathering. Also discovered that, whilst flirting with dudes when you are stuck in a traffic jam is fun, it is annoying when you eventually start moving again and they think its alright to chase you down the m40. No lads, just no.

Managed to arrive in the vicinity of Biancas place, we struggled to find exact location so we pulled up in a pub we found and refused to drive any further until she came to rescue us. We had driven for miles and we were knackered but the beautiful sound of Bianca shouting "you pair of fucking knobheads" accross the beer garden was enough to lift our spirits into dream team mode. The 3 amigos where re-united! Joy!

I'd packed a bikini and 4 razors, fully prepared for Bianca's field trip she had arranged for us to go to her local spa. Outdoor pool, rugby players, YES FUCKING TAR. Perved off hot dudes in the sun for a few hours and downed pimms and lemo coz its posh like that in Worcester. Suzie got twatted and was hillarious and we decided to call it a day about 1am.

Next day we all got up and went and set up camp in a local wetherspoons which had a terrace and a lovely view of fields and hills an shit which I was made up with. The sun was beaming and the vodka was flowing. Had a lovely time putting the world to rights. Unfortunately for me I didn't notice how hot the sun was and had a bit of a lobster situation by the end of the day meaning I couldnt wear my armani red dress. nightmare. Not to worry though, I had an emergency frock packed. Suzie pulled a coked up dude called Josh who's friends reffered to as "what a chopper" which means "bellend" in worcester and we have now adopted the phrase for use around our respective local stomping grounds.

Got back to Bianca's to get ready for the night. We blasted out the tunes and 2 of our favourites where usher "scream" and florence and the machine "spectrum". Have you listened to the lyrics of scream?? "now relax and get on your back..if you wanna scream" its pure filth!!! We loved it! Got to Worcester which let me tell you was wall to wall fitties. Me and Suzie where like kids in a sweet shop! Danced our socks off, and while Bianca was at the bar suzie and I spotted an unlikely adonis. He was wearing a denim shit, denim cropped pants with turn ups and pointy shoes, but he was proper fit!! Me and Suzie drooled over double denim for ages and when Bianca came back with the bevvies and we all walked off to go downstairs, double denim through the lips on our bianca! Leaving me and suzie open mouthed and just basically watching in awe, made up that one of our crew had pulled the hot dude but secretly fuming that Bianca had pulled him with no effort whatsoever! Proper little fittie our Bianca, me and Suzie need to up our game!!

Bianca's little midget friend mini me came out. He's fit but sadly vertically challenged so none of us really where interested in taking him on. He was texting bianca the next morning saying how horny he was so I obliged by letting Bi send him a photo of me legs akimbo (knickers on obvs, im not a whore or anything) and god love him he sent one back of him an his big massive cock. Mind you ya can't tell if it really is massive or whether it just looked that way against his dwarf body can ya. Oh well.

Said our farewells to Bianca and me and Suzie made our way back to brentwood. I was meant to be going to ryans that night but he was pissing about with a girl so by the time he'd text me to tell me to come over I was already en route back to liverpool. Stupid me went passed Andys on the train back to Euston and I had my nose pushed up to the window like a sad pathetic puppy. I text him. Told him where I was. The prick replied and said he was in liverpool! At some skate park!! Strongly suspect he was full of shit.He sent me a few messages telling me what I whore I am and also I never gave him any space. Replied and said I lived 300miles away, how much more fucking space did you need, and at that point I finally realised properly that this dude is never going to be able to have a relationship with anyone unless they are a virgin who lives on the moon. Defo Defo over him, and it feels good.

In other news I have decided my new aim in life is to purchase oneself an audi. I have a goal now and I am determined by this time next year I'll be cruising round in a beast of a car. Plus theres bound to be some fit audi salesmen along the way !!


In a bit