Monday, 31 December 2012

New year, new me

Yeah yeah I know it's a cliche but this year has been hands down the worst year of my entire life. Tragic deaths (plural) horrific mind fucking boyfriends, depression, ex boyfriends providing continued stress and in general it's just been awful. I don't know what I expect to happen come midnight tonight but psychologically I think I will feel better knowing the year of awfulness has finally finished.
That being said 2012 has provided me with a few highlights aswell. The night I spent In Doncaster with Andy was amazing, all be it yes we know he is a fucking arsehole but that night in donny was hot hot hot and I think that's where I started to fall for him. Ibiza with the girls was the best holiday iv had in years! Got laid twice while I was there too which is always a bonus. I discovered the joy of the gym where I also met and fucked a personal trainer - always a winner. I went to a swingers club for the first time so that was a nice change. Had a great holiday with my family in Portugal. I got sweet revenge on Andy for all his wrong doing. I met a lovely dude and had a bit of a 3week affair and I didn't put that much weight on over Xmas.
Yes the new guy - so basically he is missing presumed fucking someone else. Last I heard off him was about 3 days ago when I text him and asked him if he was coming round and he replied and said no he was washing his hair (or something as equally ridiculous) and so I said ok no probs and I haven't heard from him since!!!!!! So it is with deep regret I have had to pack his little overnight bag, put him on the boat and send him to the island of lost men. I am most upset about this as I really did like him but what choice do I have? I can't really text him can I because if he wanted to speak to me he would have text me. Well that's what I think anyway. So I haven't text him and he hasn't text me.
So what does @singlegalabto do in the situation where she has been shagged n swerved at fucking Christmas? She makes alternative fucking arrangements of course. Scanning through my facebook friends list for a new recruit is as easy as picking sweeties out of a sweetie shop and I have already lined up 3 replacements. Thing is though, none of these dudes excite me. I'm really getting to the stage where I would like a boyfriend now. I liked that dude and I am a bit gutted about the swervage situation because I think he genuinely was a nice lad and he made me laugh and stuff. Oh well. If nothing else he speeded up my recovery after Andy which can only be a good thing because I literally have absolutely no feelings for him now whatsoever. I believe everyone comes into ur life for a reason. Maybe that was the new guys reason, to get me over dickhead?? Who knows. What would you do?
Another thing that's happened this year is I finally have the confidence to cut people out of my life that bring me down! Before I was a total pushover and would let people treat me appallingly and get away with it. Now though, if u do anything to me I will just cut you free! Amazing how much carefree your life is when you don't have people in it who try and bring you down. Selfish self absorbed dickheads have all been culled this year and it really has made me so much happier. Made me wonder why I didn't do it sooner.
To summarise I have had a shit year, a lot of people died, a couple of boys tried to fuck with me, however I am still here and I am looking forward so much to next year free of dickheads. I wonder who I will fall in love with next? This time last year I didn't even know who Andy was. I wonder who I will fall in love with between now and next year. Because I can garantee you there will be someone there always is! I always think it's mad how things pop up out of the blue. This time last month I actually didn't even know who the new guy was and look how much I liked that one! Perhaps he'll throw the anchor down in his boat tonight and send me a happy new year text and it won't be over....here's hoping....but if not iv got a boy toy, a 6ft fair haired dude and an older guy all chomping at the bit for me so I'm not going to lose any fucking sleep over it haha!!

Happy new year everyone xxx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, 28 December 2012

Steaming

Oh my god I am so fucking horny. Like ridiculously horny. Like falling back into old habits and getting my vibrator out 10 times a day horny. And that's no exaggeration.
I had to put myself on a sex toy ban about a year ago because it was literally getting beyond a joke and it was getting to the point that it was desensitising me and I couldn't cum without it. So I put myself on a ban and it was fingers only and that was much better I was down to just a normal 3 wanks a day and the orgasms where better.
However when I started knockin about with the new guy we did a few sexting sessions and my nails where shit so I thought oh fuck it il get the old rabbit out itl look better and now here I am back on the bandwagon I can't put the fucking thing down. Situation had been made a million percent worse by the fact I ain't seen the new guy in a week which means I therefore haven't been laid in a week which means I am climbing the fuckin walls and I'm replacing batteries left right and centre!!!!!! Oh my good lord this will not do this will not do at all!
New guys been on about wanting to do a 3sum. What is it with dudes and 3sums seriously at the minute. Anyway I wasn't all that keen and told him I was beginning to feel like a booty call and now it's looking like iv cut my shag off to spite my face!!!!! Sad times. Anyway consequently I am now like a raging horny lunatic. In fact I'm like a BLOKE!!!
Funny thing is some other randomer wants to do a 3sum with me and our @scousebabe888 in march now I don't know if he's full of shit or an axe murderer or a nutcase or what but If I was going to do a 3sum with anyone I'd be more inclined to do it with the randomer than the new guy because I'd just get pissed off with it with the new guy I know I would, he's like a dog on heat god love him and I'm having a crisis of confidence over my performance with him as it is, because, between you and me i have been TERRIBLE...well not terrible but wayyyyyy below par for my normal standards I don't know what the fuck is up with me ha! So yeah anyway I told him I was beginning to feel like a booty call and I think I may have inadvertently made him think that automatically means I want him to be my full on boyfriend in love get married and grow old when that's not what I meant I just meant I think a fucking trip to the pictures might be nice in amongst all the shagging!!! Bloody men ay! Always jumping to the wrong conclusions! Or maybe he's just gone off me. That's always a possibility I am a bit of a bellend. Or maybe he's just been busy with it being Xmas and I just can't see that because im blinkered by the fact I'm steaming and I haven't got a shag at my beck and call 24/7!!!!!!!!!
So what's a girl to do in a situation like this. Il just have to crack on with my rabbit and see what happens. I really don't want to have to pack the new guy off to the island of lost men because I do actually quite like the guy but I ain't a booty call and I ain't playing second fiddle to anyone else so it may be inevitable if I don't get laid fucking imminently.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Blow Jobs

"Easy? You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing."


This week I would like to take a comprehensive look at the art of a blow job. It has been a point of discussion with our Suzie this evening because neither of us are really all that confident in our noshing ability. Whilst I would imagine we aren't totally shit at it I would certainly say it wasn't a key strength.
Having said that lets just say my protein intake has increased 5 fold this week so I must be doing something right.
The thing with blow jobs is you aren't getting any excitement yourself so all you are concentrating on is the enjoyment of your dude which means your attention is all on it. Also and I am sure this is the same for girls too but every dude likes it different. Some like it hard. Some like it gentle. Some like it rough, some like it with some twisty hand action and some like it to include deep throat and gagging and choking noises. So how do you fucking know if your doing it right???
I personally respond well to praise. If I'm doing it right, fucking tell me I'm doing it right, or I may assume he's bored and stop. Blokes seem to love blowjobs (although not all, some of them say they can't come from them, avoid these blokes like the plague as they will do fuck all for your ego and confidence trust me).
I would say I have picked up something of a technique over the course of my sexually active life but I really would appreciate feedback. I bet there are plenty of dudes who think they have a perfect oral sex technique but the amount of orgasms I have faked over the years suggests they probably aren't as good as what they think they are.
In my humble, amateur, novice, blind leading the blind opinion I would like to share the 2 main things I believe must be included in all my blow jobs. Firstly you need a lot of lubrication, normally spit will do the trick but if you've got a mouth like gandys flip flop then durex strawberry lubricant is my saving grace. In fact I think I may have just renamed my blowies @singlegalabto's special strawberry sucks. Decent. Secondly and I think crucially is you must always always appear to be absolutely LOVING giving the fucking blowjob. Even if you are bored to tears your jaws aching, your teeth are beginning to make a mark on the inside of your mouth and you are going dizzy, you have GOT to make out there is nothing you would rather be doing. You LOVE that cock and you WANT that cum. Eye contact tends to go down a treat too.
Oh and I have also learned that its not all about the willy. You got to give them balls attention too they all love that. You have to see the whole picture. I don't know if maybe I'm just shit at blow jobs or I haven't got the patience to actually go the whole way using oral action alone but I would say I am fairly certain I wouldn't get anywhere if I didn't add a bit of hand work into the mix. Yano where you kind of make your hand an extention of you mouth, do a few rwisty motions, they love all tha.
This is about as far as I have got with my blow job repetoir so far. I do have a few more tricks up my sleeve. I haven't quite worked out how naughty this dude is yet so its hard to know how far down my wrongun road it is to appropriate to go. Its so HARD (hehe) when you sleep with someone new to know whats ok and what isn't!! This is why I can't abide one night stands I like to perfect my performance and deliver a show stopper at all times but I find I don't normally start showing my full potential until like the 4th or 5th time. Im shy you see. I know that sounds like utter bollocks and perhaps I have in fact made that up. Maybe I lack confidence. Yes thats probably more the problem fucking shy who am I kidding, but yeah it takes me a couple of goes to build up to my full potential.
So the rest of my tricks then...I don't wanna say deep throat because although I will certainly give it a bloody good go, sometimes I just can't do it and almost fear I may vomit, but yes I do think it is important to get as much of that love length down your throat as you possibly can. They all love it. And don't worry too much about making wierd gagging noises because they all fucking love that too. OR DO THEY?? I dunno....but whenever I've done it in the past they get even harder so I'm thinking thats a yes?They don't fucking tell you though do they. What I could really do with is start leaving feedback forms at the side of my bed next to the cum tissues. I know some of them defo love it, gag noises, bits of spit coming out of your mouth, watering eyes, all that. But I would imagine that is probably not for all?? Fuck knows seriously I have no idea what I am doing.  
You really need to start venturing a bit further south aswell if you really are going to deliver the blow job to end all blow jobs.
Here is what I have learned
They all fucking Love it
But none of them like to own up to it.
It is a well established fact that if you have been at that blow job or indeed shag for an extended amount of time and they are on the brink but just aren't cumming, then a cheeky finger to the back door will have them exploding like the bellagio fountains themselves in a matter of seconds. Game Over.
BUT what really is the protocol here? If you ask them beforehand and they are not sexually open you can guarantee they will say no. But is it just rude to just go for gold?? My general opinion is if I haven't got to the stage where I can openly discuss all
aspects of sex with a guy then its probably not going anywhere and therefore they don't deserve the full amazingness of that final little treat. I have never just dived in without a prior discussion though. I mean I think I would probably die if they jumped up afraid.
Having said all that about it being one of my main development area's, I have to admit that when I am doing it right and I know I am doing it right and there is orgasms a plenty and smiley face's all round then yes I actually do fucking love giving blow jobs. Only when I know I'm doing well though. It's like anything really. I enjoy work when I'm doing well. I enjoy cleaning when I'm doing it well and everythings spotless. I enjoy the fucking gym when I am smashing it. So yes If I'm giving a nosh and its hit the jackpot then I am more than happy to dish them out like sweeties.
Spit or Swallow? Well that's really a judgement call but they all bloody love a swallower so there's no point in thinking they don't.

Thats about all I have to say on the matter. Thoughts and experiences are welcomed

xx

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

@singlegalabto gets a new guy....

So as you can see by the title of this post, I have found myself quite literally out of nowhere in the midsts of a fledgling relationship

Yeah yeah so whats fucking new I hear you cry from near and far, I've always got a new guy on the go at some point or other....I shall tell you whats new my dear blog brothers and sisters.......

This one doesn't appear to be a cunt.

Now I know I am probably quick to make this assumption, but really my twat radar is not bleeping at all, in fact its saying "go on....go on.....you might like this one....." It also totally fits in with my horroscope that I read last year that basically said I would ricochete from twat to twat for the best part of 2 years before embarking on a beautiful romance at the end of 2012 when venus is in my house or something.Well bugger me here I am at the end of 2012....

I'm probably not going to go into much detail about mr new guy. But early indications show he's making me smile....He also rattled me everywhere at the weekend which as you know I am all for. I've basically thought about nothing else for the best part of a week. So much so, and this is the deciding factor on how much I know that I like him.....I completely and utterly forgot about reign of terror I was inflicting on Andy. Like literally forgot all about him completely forgot he existed. It was only when mate asked me on Friday if I had done anything else to him that I was like errrrmagherrrdd remember Andy hahah!!!

Just to sum up what I ended up doing to Andy for his slating of my son because I don't think I told you all of it:

1. Got Allan to send him a nasty message
2. Named and Shamed him on the blog
3 Cancelled his roller disco birthday party
4. Sent his glow in the dark girlfriend a message and told her he had chlamydia
5. Sent a large luminous green envelope to his home address with www.paedodolls.com across the top and "enclosed, your requested order forms for little crying susanah" on the side of it and then " return within 10 days to receive your free paedophile holiday brochure" and then the slogan on the bottom was "don't tell mum our little secret" and then inside it was all information about if he ever decided to fuck a grown up again here is a map on how to find the g spot.
6. Went on that snapguide and made a step by step guide including photographs on how to get revenge on a cunt ex boyfriend detailing all of the above.
7. Oh and we spent a while signing his email address up to a load of newsletters but im not sure if we got the email address right.

God I really was pissed off with that cunt wasn't I. I'm over it now though, I've got someone else occupying a large amount of my thoughts,,,in a good way :-)

Discovered some girl had called me a slag the other day. I say some girl because I don't actually know her name I just know she has dental issues. Apparently I spoke to this girl a while back and must have been telling her about whatever dude was in the picture at the time and then the next day I blanked her. I don't recall this, I probably didn't see her or was in a world of my own but anyway this is the reason she is now going round telling everyone I'm a slag. Its a funny old world isn't it. This girl never registered on my radar at all clearly, she must have been under the impression she was my mate and then when I haven't let on to her she's gone mad. Strange! But feel strangely flattered I have affected someone so deeply hahaha!!!

Turned 28 this week. Nightmare. Feel so old but I must say so far this has been a bloody good age. The new age resolution of eat more bacon and have more sex is going swimmingly. I have been  banged twice and afforded 3 rather decent blowjobs thus far and I have only been 28 for 5 days. Protein only diet for me at the minute.

Just got a text from mr new guy saying " I can't stop thinking about you" OHHHHHHBLOODYHELLIMINTROUBLE xxx

Monday, 3 December 2012

WINTER DUDE ALLOWANCE


This week has been a bit of a mad one, had murder with the baby's dad this week over one thing and another and so I went mad and basically broadcast a load of his deep dark secrets all over the place. That couple with the Andy terrorisation I have established myself as queen of the ex girlfriends from hell. I have decided I will continue to terrorise Andy until it stops becoming hillarious as it is not just basically an excuse for me and my mates to have a laugh. We did another corker this week but I don't want to write about it on here yet because I have got a sneaky feeling he reads this blog and I don't want to spoil the surprise for him but lets just say that boy is going to rue the day he ever slagged off my son and I think he's pretty much going to have to change his number and move house to get away from my deluge of terror that I have implemented. Cunt

Because the week was so mad and I had spent it being extra angry with one prick and another I decided a few orgasms where the order of the day, so I rang up the old flame who I have now decided I am recycling again and although we couldn't actually get out to have a proper fuck due to childcare etc we had a cyber shag over the skype and it was boss. Cyber shagging is underated. Your guarunteed an orgasm because ur doing all the moves but at the same time its totally hot and plus you get to feel that naughty just been fucked feeling especialy if you are shagging someone your not really supposed to be.

Question. If you have a boyfriend and you cyber shag someone over skype is that cheating?

Its not for me, its for a friend. HA!

Right so the old flame is back on, naughty naughty, have half arranged a fuck date for Tuesday or Wednesday BUT heres the thing I have been asked out on a date on Tuesday and now my brother wants to see me on Wednesday because its my birthday on Friday and he is away then so what do I do? Can't fuck my brother off because birthday dinner with the fambo is tradtion, do I swerve the date and go with the guarunteed fuck OR do I swerve the fuck and go on the date??? I think I'm gonna swerve the fuck and go on the date to be honest. The fuck will probably still be there after the date. God its COMPLICATED being single sometimes and having to juggle all your dudes I don't know how full time players manage it. Mind you saying that I have only met 3 what I would consider to be genuine bona fide full time players and they were all unemployed. Mad isn't it hahaha.

The little boy child disappeared for a week or two...well actually I think I got distracted by pictures of the old flames cock and forgot to return his messages but he's back texting me again now. He's jobless and skint and I said I refused to shag him unless we went for a drink first because I can't remember much about him and well that drink has never materialised.What the fuck does he keep texting me for if he's not interested in getting down to it what does he think I am a fucking penpal? Experience tells me he's probably got a bird and only texts me when he's bored. Well thats fair enough as I only speak to him when I'm bored too but if that's the case lay your cards on the table from the outset and get on with making me cum. For fucks sake. Amateurs. He's got till the end of the month to knob me or he's getting crossed off the books.

Oilriggers all over it with the texts too harping on about wanting to meet up halfway between Liverpool and London for a shag and asking me when I'm next down in London, see its hard really because he could see I was down in London regularly and was always asking to see me and I was always making excuses because I was actually down there seeing Andy you know how it is, now I'm thinking I should have made my excuses to Andy one night and gone and seen the oilrigger at least I would have had a decent shag but you don't do ya when your in good girl mode. Note to self never get in good girl mode its shit. I'll have to make a special trip to see him I suppose. If I get proper in need of a decent fuck and I have exhausted all my options then I'l go and see him but be arsed with the virgin pendalino otherwise. It wouldn't be so bad if he was in central London but he's out in the sticks proper south east London its a pain to get to in fact Id probably have to drive which is vile.

Right who else is there, oh god yes sexy sex on the beach Robbie and I had a little heart to heart on Saturday night while we were both twisted texting saying I was never far from his thoughts and maybe we could try and give it a go. Don't tempt me sexy sex on the beach Robbie, I would drop everything and be there in an instant but he's happy living in Spain and while I don't mind long distance relationships I think I plane commute is taking the piss a bit. Why can't he just move to Liverpool haha!! He's amazing you know, best sex ever and also just a really really nice guy thats fit as fuck and has a look of danger in his eyes. He really would be perfect for me. Fucking stupid bastard Spain.

I've applied to be a honey trap girl and all. Basically what it is is women pay you to go and try and seduce their husbands to see if they will cheat or not. Seems like easy money to me. Might even start webcaming too after my skype sesh last week because I'm fucking boss at it, its money for old rope and I'm skint. IMAGINE!! Remember I said the dude in work had asked me out? Well he failed to impress me with his sintillating conversation so he's been swerved. I think he's gutted but I can't arsed wasting time on people not giving me the fanny gallops I've got a busy life.

Right that's all for now, not really got much to say but had 3 different people message me today saying they were turkeyin for a blog so ya gotta keep the kids happy haven't ya. Gonna go and have a glass of wine now its almost 3.30pm x