Friday, 22 March 2013


What a fucking week.
On Wednesday morning I was getting up early to go to the gym when I realised All my gym stuff was either dirty or in the wash and still wet. I stuck the heating on and pulled out some clobber and stuck it on the radiator to dry and then went about my business.
After a very long day comprising of spinning being taught by a boxer who made us do punches and jabs to "eye of the tiger" during a gradual hill climb in spin (why? As if spin isn't brutal enough) and then a swim and then a 9-8 shift in work I was so happy to return home. Nice bit of dinner and an early night I was thinking. Get my beauty sleep.
I noticed I had left the heating on so the house was really warm. I walked into my room and so tired was I from the day it took me a good few steps to notice there was somewhat of a squelching sensation coming from beneath my converse.
Here is the thoughts that unfolded in my head word for word
"Have I spilled a drink?"
"Must have been a big drink to get all the way from the bedside table to the door"
"Was it a bottle of something?"
"Hang on I didn't take a drink to bed last night"
"And there is water all down the side of my.....and under... OH. MY. GOD"
My entire bedroom floor was under at least an inch of water, in some places it was 2. At first I thought a pipe had burst but when I turned around I saw that my radiator was urinating a steady stream of water all over my laminate floor.
Totally forgetting that I am in fact a responsible adult, I sort of just stood in the flood and wondered what to do. I went and sat on my bed and text all my mates to tell them about the unfolding incident. I considered ringing my dad but I didn't think he would appreciate a phonecall from me at this hour....what with him being in China and it being silly o'clock in the morning there. In fact I could hear exactly what he would have said to me if I had called him. It would have gone something along the lines of "what the fuck do you expect me to do about it I'm on the other side of the world. You know what you need to do, ring the home emergency insurance and while your at it grow the fuck up"
Anyone else feel like a 10year old when some sort of disaster occurs if you have never had to deal with it before? I was well and truly in damsel in distress mode. I waited for a knight in shining armour to rock up and sort the shit out for me but sadly i realised that I would have to go it alone. Fuck this. I'm a fucking adult here. I can handle this situation. Rang the home insurance...shut. So then I rang the home emergency cover people that I get with my bank account and they said they would send someone out within the hour. At first they were a little bit patronising when I mentioned leaky radiator but after I had described the Noah's arc landscape that was my bedroom they agreed to help me out. Triumphant I decided I would attempt to do some more problem solving and began to stick some tape over the hole to stop the water coming out. Failed miserably on this front and had to settle for a bowl under the radiator until assistance arrived.
As of now the leak has stopped and the insurance company have been out and took the floor up and installed a big drying fan device in my bedroom to dry the room out. Then I shall have to set about getting a new bedroom and living room and then replacing all the stuff that got wrecked. All in all this is not the dream. In fact I would go as far as to say I'm pissed off with it.
I spent the whole of yesterday basically just gutting my bedroom. I had to dismantle my bed to get underneath it to mop the water up. For some reason I decided to Hoover and mop the floor which now seems like a rather ridiculous waste of time noting my flooring is now on the skip.
Chris laid that floor. He also decorated the room and constructed the bed. He was a class a cunt but as well as being a phenomenal fuck he was also very good at doing man things round the house. That reminds me I must text his best mate back and see when this dates happening
Other than flooding disasters there is not much to report. Be 3 months soon since I last got laid and I actually can't remember the last time I sorted myself out either.....? Most unlike me that, I'm normally at least 3 times a day. Must up my game, I don't want to become sexless!!!!
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Monday, 18 March 2013

What a wanker

I had an abusive call yesterday. As you may or may not know I work in a call centre and yesterday I experienced my first ever properly abusive phonecall. A bloke rang up wanking down the phone to me.

Well I couldn't fuckin breathe. First of all he rang up wanting to know something about a payment. He kept taking ages to answer my questions so i just assumed he was a thicko. Then after he'd been quiet for a while I said "so is there anything else I can do do for you" and he was all breathless and then he said "I'm wanking"

Well what the fuck dya say to that?!! I put him on mute and shouted to everyone in the office that I had a wanker on the phone. "What's he said babe" they asked me.
"He's said he's wanking!!!!"

Said to my manager should I release the call and she said fuck that keep him on so we can trace him!!!

So I did. He told me he thought my accent was dead sexy, and that he was wanking and could I see all his personal information and would I give him a ring and then my manager finally got dialled into to the call just in time to hear him say "iv just cum. I wish it would have been inside you".

Well I was traumo'd. My virgin ears weren't made to listen to such filth!! What an absolute fucking weirdo though!!!! Who the fuck would want to ring our work when they were feeling horny it's the least horny place ever. Urgh vile hahaha he was 42 imagine pure sad Middle Aged freak getting his rocks off wankin himself off to unsuspecting young girls on phone!!!!! Had to have a kit Kat and a calm down after that !!! The fucking incident report was the best though it was something like
"Customer continually went silent on call. Consultant probed further customer stated he was masturbating. Consultant requested he refrain from masturbating. Customer continued to masturbate before informing consultant he had ejacualted. Customer indicated he wished he could have ejaculated inside consultant. Call terminated"

Fucking madness he'll get all his business cancelled now! Imagine a company ringing you up and saying "we are awfully sorry we are closing your accounts down I'm afraid you have been sexually abusing the ears of our staff" imaaaagine hahaha I may still report it to the police, I think work might report it anyway but honest to god I feel violated

"Your only fucking livid coz u normally charge 1.50 a minute for that" my sympathetic work colleagues said to me. Fuckers.

Still fuming about the party invitation swervage. Was mainly fuming because when my mate told him I was offended he said
" well she can go and join (insert name of boy no one likes who also wasn't invited here) can't she." Fucking cheek of it! That really pissed me off yano that's why I ended up saying something. Like I said yesterday he told me I wasn't invited coz the chick he likes was going. Iv got more of a chance with prince Harry than hes got with this chick. And today I was informed that he got that pissed at his party he wrecked his own house, smashed all the ale bottles that were full, caused the police to turn up and almost set himself on fire.....and he wonders why she thinks he's a tit. After hearing all that I actually kind of think he's a tit now too.

Fuming tonight because Iv just been driving home whilst comitting numerous traffic offences simultaneously with the tunes blaring when some tit out of work started flashin his lights behind me at the lights, well I thought I was gettin pulled over again didn't I. So I did, and then I realised it was him and I was like stuck in the middle of the road so I basically had to jump the red light and carry on! Fucking cunt, he's on my list an all!!

Nearing the 3 month mark since my last roll in the hay. Starting to climb the walls a bit now though. Refuse point blank to do a one night stand so I think more than likely I'm going to have to recycle a shag of winters past to get me through this dry spell. Got a couple of candidates in mind so we shall see how it goes but if iv not fallen deeply in love by the end of the month then someone is going to get very fucking lucky over Easter.

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Sunday, 17 March 2013

All steak no blow jobs

I'm a fucking fat mess and I need to stop eating.
That's my first rant of the day.
Also all men are fucking weird. All of them.
Sitting down last week minding my own business when I get a message off a wrongun called Aiden. Now I am immediately tarring him with the wrongun brush as I have heard of this guys exploits through his best friend wait for it.....Chris. Awwww remember Chris? Pregnant girl shagging, male escorting, thieving, cheating all round horror Chris? Awwww yeah well his best mate started messaging me and let's cut
to the chase here he's only gone and fucking asked me out on a date hasn't he.
Hey.. Bit of a long shot like.. You fancy going out, for a drink or something?! I know I'm Chris's 'mate' but things change x
So apparently Chris is now engaged to some bird and Aiden hasn't seen him for 15months or spoken to him for 5 so therefore it's perfectly sound to go on a date and what could possibly go wrong. I'm not keen on this not keen at all but iv sort of said il go for a drink with him not a date just a drink. I don't know why I said that to be honest. Oh god. So there's him anyway.
Andys had to sell his iPhone for food money so he has apparently discovered the one way of contacting me he had that I had forgotten about which is Skype.
"Was thinking about u the other day xx was a little inappropriate mind but i cant i help cos my sex drive is back big time ( im talking doncaster hotel back ) xx"
Got that little gem at 3am the other morning. Now I will hold my hands up here kids the night he is referring to was a fucking hot night. Raw animal filth. I believe some lube ended up on the ceiling that night it was that exciting. Anyway he then proceeds to video call me and show me how fit he's looking these days and to be fair he's lost lots of weight and got a six pack and all that. But I'm not being funny if I couldn't afford fucking food I'd probably be fit as fuck too. Standing there making out he's put all this effort in to being fit. No love, that's not a diet, that's being fucking poverty stricken and having loads of bastard time on your hands. Tit.
Somehow his sky's back on though coz he's got his Internet and he's even messaged me with his sky go logins so I can watch his sky on my phone again (overjoyed to be honest) but I will not be going there again as mainly just makes me feel shitty about myself on the reggers.
Just while we are on the subject of people making me feel shitty it appears to be catching. Whippersnapper left our work on Friday and I was sad to see him go....not that he could have given 2 fucks like and Il tell ya this for nowt he didn't invite me to his big leaving party extravaganza on Saturday night.....upset about this to be honest because like I feel proper swerved. He's fell in love with this lovely pretty girl from down the way and despite his best efforts he's got absolutely nowhere with her she is not interested whatsoever and I reckon he's probably thought his party's his last chance to get into her and its probably best he has as few birds he's shagged there as possible.... Not impressed, not impressed one bit. And I'm not settling for none of this oh everyone's invited bollocks in my opinion unless I have had some form of communication from host of said party then I have defo not been invited. Wouldn't have even gone do you know what I mean but it's the principal. So he wants to thank his lucky stars he's not in our work any more coz I think I might have chinned him haha!
It was all steaks and no blow jobs for me on Thursday.
Lad on my team said he thinks men would be weary of going out with me because they would be worried they couldn't satisfy me. Is this code for "your a whore"?. In actual fact though he's struck upon a very good point. I need a proper man that's gonna make me quiver. Does one even exist?
It has been 2 and a half months since my last intimate relations. It's a sorry state of affairs. I was riding high in December I had cock coming at me from all directions (not physically at me you understand I mean there was a bit of a selection)
Now iv got fuck all.
It's not about getting laid tho. Getting laid is easy. I want intimacy and a connection now. In fact I want jay Mitchell out of eastenders.

Since writing this I decided I was too fuming about the party swervage to let it drop and asked him outright. As suspected it was because he wanted to get into the other chick. How my being there would have affected this is anyone's fucking guess but there ya go! I'm not quite sure what's happened here I appear to have been put in some weird ex girlfriendy zone how the fucks that happened? I will never understand boys they make no sense whatsoever. Answers on a postcard please @singlegalabto xx
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Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Call the therapist

Had a bit of a row with my mother the other week.
It all started because I am having numerous problems with my sons father. I won't go into it on here but I happened to mention to my mum that regardless of what he is doing I am keen to maintain good relations for My sons sake. My mum said something along the lines of "well that's not fair on you he should do this this and this" and I said "yes but mum, I can't have my son grow up the way I did, parents at loggerheads and constantly at (an all be it silent) war. I never had an 18th birthday party, a 21st party, any sort of large family gathering because I felt so uncomfortable about having them in the same room and I am unlikely to ever really have a wedding because of it. I won't let my son suffer the same fate.
Well my mum went nuts. Basically said I was accusing her of ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why my mum feels the way she does. My dad was an arsehole to her and its not surprising she holds a bitter grudge. But the sad cold fact is it really has left an awful legacy in my life. I have a separate relationship with my mother and my father and while it doesn't affect me 99percent of the time, it really does upset me at how....disjointed it is. In fact it probably doesn't affect me because I don't let myself dwell on it. If I let myself think about it too much it upsets me a great deal. It almost feels like I have this awful hurt that is compacted deep deep down and I can't even begin to start trying to dislodge it and clear it out because it is just too painful.
I am talking about this for 2 reasons. Firstly it is my sons birthday next month and I am absolutely trying my hardest to maintain relations with my ex for his sake but the fucking idiot won't play ball. "He's not old enough to understand he's only 6" - yes well I was only 7 and guess what I understood fucking perfectly. It really winds me up that he does not consider the future for our son and how he is going to be affected and how his relationships will be affected. But then I suppose unless you have experienced it yourself how could you understand. I resent my parents sometimes because of this. That sounds awful but sometimes I just think oh my god you fucking idiots like anyone even gives a fuck that you got your heart broken a million years ago just get over it.....but how can you say that.
The other reason I speak about this is because the more I read the book about being scared of comittment the more I realise that I think part of it may be down to something so simple as my fear of having a wedding. And the reason I fear having a wedding is because it makes me feel sick the thought of my parents face to face.
I don't for one minute think my parents have intentionally set out to have this effect on me. I think if they though that was the case they probably would have stopped it and got on for my sake. It's too easy to say kids are young it doesn't affect them. It does fucking affect them. It badly fucking affects them. It breaks my heart to think of my son going through what I have. Also, like I say it only gets to me occasionally, but when it does get to me my first thought is....fucking selfish bastards. Both of them, even the injured party. Bad isn't it.
Il keep reading the book. I hope it's something else and not this because I really don't fancy confronting this in fact I could well need therapy to even consider it. But it is looking more and more like I AM a big cliche and all my problems are down to my childhood.
Fucks sake
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Monday, 11 March 2013

Single gal hits the big Apple

Oh my sweet Jesus alive what a wonderful city that is.

I was so excited. Was bouncing round Manchester airport like a 5 year old. I don't know if its because I travel a lot, or if its just because I'm a weirdo, but for some reason I am only properly properly excited for a holiday, like a kid excited, if I'm going really far away. America is to me, like properly away. Not just pretend away like Spain. The advent of low cost airlines have taken the magic out of holidays for me a bit. It's like getting on a bus. Long haul flights though, it's just how I remember it as a child. Meals on planes! In flight entertainment! Free cushions! And you get to go through terminal 3 in Manchester airport. The proper far away terminal. I'm chatting utter shite now but I was very excited.
I soon discovered getting through check in and security at Manchester terminal 3 is a fucking ball ache. Not because it is extra secure, just because there was not enough staff to cope with the amount of people. In fact we ended up getting called queue jumped through security in the end because we were in danger of missing the flight.
This meant that there was no time to shop or more importantly drink in the airport and I found myself having to board the plane sober. This is a very big problem for me. This may come as a shock for you, as you know I like to fly off quite regularly but I am very very scared of flying.
It's only since I had my son. I used to love it. But now I am always scared I'm going to die.
This is how my plane terror goes from when we are on the runway.

"Oh my god is it straight? It doesn't seem straight it's going to crash into the airport"

"What the fuck was that noise"

"Oh god here we go"

"Why haven't we took off yet we've been going fast for ages we have defo normally took off by now oh god it's broken and we are going to speed off end of runway and burst into flames"

"Oh god the fronts up shiiiiiit the tails gonna hit the floor"

"Ok we are up but we don't seem to be getting very high oh god"

30seconds after take off when they drop the engines back

"Are we going down?? We are defo going down oh god"

"What the fuck IS that noise"

"They haven't released cabin crew for duty yet the pilot must defo be struggling to control plane"

Then as soon as the cabin crew get up...

"Woohoo what's for lunch"

Turbulence.... I was on a very turbulent flight home from Switzerland once to the point where people where opening praying out loud and even the cabin crew shit themselves and I am always right back on that plane as soon as any bumpiness occurs so I hate that too. To be fair aswell I think our pilot must have got his licence off the fucking Internet or something because he was turning every five minutes I'm sure he got lost.

After landing in Kennedy airport I was greeted by lots and lots of Americans. I fucking love Americans. They are so happy all the time. I did also catch sight of a few Brits trying to BE Americans....referring to lifts as elevators and such like....idiots. I was imagining henry hill at idlewild airport waiting to sort out the heist. In fact I spent a lot of my time in New York day dreaming about gangsters and seeing where they once walked. Within one hour of arriving I was at the top of the Empire State Building where it was blowing a gale and freezing but I did not care I had arrived. Spent the evening in Times Square eating dinner. That's the other thing about Americans. Their portion sizes are ridiculous, it's a wonder they aren't all keeling over having heart attacks. They must feel like they are on rations when they come over here.

My god American men are fit. Do you know I think I have realised I need a well dressed man in my life. You should have seen these blokes, outfits put together so well, accessorised perfectly. The well dressed men over here always seem to err on the side of camp but these Americans have got it sorted.

The next day it snowed. It snowed more than I have ever seen it snow outside of a ski resort. I went shopping. Mother of pearl those outlet villages are unbelievable and I found myself in a love triangle with two men fighting for my heart. One went by the name of Marc Jacobs, the other was Michael Kors. While I struggled with my emotions I picked up a pair of ugg boots for 75quid, 2 pair of converse for 25 each, Nine West shoes for 30 and sandals for 14 and I had a little splurge in Gucci.....well a girls got to have a bit of fun right?

In the end I abandoned Marc and Michael all together but I have had a couple of sleepless nights over a beautiful Michael Kors clutch bag which was fucking 80quid....bargain....damn it.

The next day was a bad day for snowmen because snow miraculously melted and the final few days where glorious sun. I did everything. I went on a Hudson River cruise to see the statue of liberty etc. you can't actually get onto Ellis island or liberty island right now because of the damage done by hurricane sandy last year so got as close as we could. Went all around the whole of manhattan island right up to Harlem. Dropped into the Guggenheim to pick up a print of my favourite painting, walked through Central Park to see the john Lennon imagine mosaic.

I felt like I was on the set of a film. The city is brilliant. It is impossible to get lost as all the streets are completely straight and numbered so as long as you can count you are absolutely fine. Felt very emotional visiting ground zero. It really hits you when you are there just how awful it must have been. After seeing it so many times on the tv and then being there you sort of start thinking to yourself where would I run, what building would I hide in. The buildings where very tall by the area itself is no size at all. Fucking horrible terrorist twats.

I think I have put on about 3 stone as I have eaten my way through mountains of food but what the hell if you can't stuff your face in New York then when can you.

Flying home was a shitter. Left there 7.30pm New York time and landed 7am uk time. Couldn't sleep on the plane and I am now in circadian cycle turmoil. Flying over Liverpool this morning the city looked so small. I was thinking there are some people who will never probably leave this small area their whole lives. I don't think a lot of my elderly relatives ever left the northwest. Madness.

I feel like I have ticked another item off my bucket list but I would definitely love to go back and this time visit the museums and art galleries, see a show on broadway, listen to jazz in Greenwich Village, eat in more places, watch a Knicks is so tiring seeing all the sites you just don't have time for all of that stuff. I'd like to live as a native New Yorker for a week and see what it's like. Just to experience it. I think it would be great.

I am obsessed with fit American men now obviously. Not many of them about in Liverpool sadly so it's not looking hopeful. Didn't even get time to read any more of my afraid of comittment book either. Probably searching for an American is another symptom of this I should probably give myself a slap and get back down to earth xxu

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Sunday, 3 March 2013

It's not you it's me...

After a hectic month of working all the overtime in the world and barely stepping over the door to have a night out let alone get laid I decided I would treat myself to a hair appointment. I had not had my locks coiffured since Christmas and my rather vibrant copper was resembling more of a washed out shade of shit.
With an afternoon off work booked as a treat I could relax and read a few mags while my dye went to work. Then it happened....I had an epiphany....the gods chose that moment to present to me the answer to why my entire love life has been crap from start to finish since the word the holy scriptures.....of closer magazine.....

Oh. My. God.
That's Me. That's fucking me.
I'm fucking bastard suffering from god damn subconscious commitment fear.
Lets have a quick browse through the last few years of my love life.
Chris - bastard, player, arsehole, completely unsuitable, jobless, from wrong side of the tracks, would never in a million years want to marry and settle down with such a lowlife.....went out with him for 18months.
Mark - lived in reading. Absolutely would never be arsed spending more than about 2 days with him. He would ask my about my weekends and I'd say welllll I went to garlands on Saturday dropped a Gary got off my cake and now I'm in bed eating dominos spooning my Bezzie what did you do...and he'd be like welllll I played golf.... Never in a million years would have worked had nothing in common and he basically looked down his nose at me and thought I was a bit of an idiot. Was meeting him for a good year or so.
Andy - lived in London. Finds maintaining relationships impossible with absolutely everyone including his mother, children, family and friends. Went out with him for a year.
Even if we look at the waifs and strays there have been in between there was a singer who lives in London, that lad from work last month is moving down south in a couple if weeks and even my beautiful sexy sex on the beach bobby who I obsess about regularly....he lives in fucking spain.
All of a sudden I began to realise. The fact I have only really gone out with/played with people who live hundreds of miles away is not just a mere consequence of living in the jet age.
It isn't that I just don't find Liverpool lads attractive as I have secretly told myself
I am subconciously choosing people that I have no chance whatsoever of actually having a proper relationship with.
Well fuck me.
The more I sat and thought about it the more it made sense. There has been a distinct absence of scouse cock in my little black book and the one that there has been had more issues than fucking vogue. You know why??? Because it is easier to sit and obsess about someone else's problems rather than sit and face your own.
So the problem page told me to read "he's scared she's scared". Thank god for iPhones and kindles. Within a minute I had downloaded that mother fucker onto my phone and began to read with eager hopefulness. Iv identified my issue and they say the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Pretty much figured this is bound to have some sort of deep rooted connection to some event in my childhood which I am yet to discover so was a bit excited to work it out and sort myself out.
Couldn't quite believe what happened next.
Iv only read a couple of chapters but it basically said what where your parents relationships like etc. Now my parents split up when I was 7 and iv always thought it didn't affect me or bother me but I was reading this and it said what where the relationships like you saw as a child, your grandparents, your aunties and uncles etc.....and for some strange reason I began to have big fat tears streaming down my face. My immediate family consists of my parents, my grandparents who pretty much couldn't stand each other, my auntie and uncle who split up and she then got with a nasty psycho.....oh my fucking god this is why!!!!! This is why!!!!! Iv grown up surrounded by shit relationships!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very shocked and upset and also intrigued by this discovery. But how could I have not known at the same time. I sat down for lunch with my very oldest friend on friday who is just back in liverpool after moving to israel and her first reaction was "and it's taken you 28 years to work that out?"
In everything I always have one foot out of the door. I haven't finished decorating my house because in my mind this house is temporary. I check the job vacancies every day because I like to know my options. More than that, I hate having anyone in my house longer than a couple of hours, it makes me uncomfortable, even my own mum. I am constantly travelling. I will think nothing of driving hundreds of miles in a day to see people, just so I can feel I can easily escape whenever I want. And I always choose relationships that I can easily get out of. And it's the fact I can easily escape all of these things that keeps me in my house, my job, addicted to these boys.
Crazy shit.
I need to sort this out though. I realised I have never imagined having a wedding, growing old with someone, settling down. As much as I think I want that, the thought terrifies me. And when I think of my friends who I know that are married etc, I wouldn't want their lives for all the tea in china. I'm scared it will be boring and mundane and I will be stifled. I had that once. And I ran for the hills.
I am hoping this book will point me in the right direction and I will be forever endebted to closer magazine and Tracey cox for shining a light on my problem. I am steering clear of all boys until I have cleared out my fucked up mind because evidently I am too bananas to be safe around men at the moment. Poor fucking me.
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