Had a bit of a row with my mother the other week.
It all started because I am having numerous problems with my sons father. I won't go into it on here but I happened to mention to my mum that regardless of what he is doing I am keen to maintain good relations for My sons sake. My mum said something along the lines of "well that's not fair on you he should do this this and this" and I said "yes but mum, I can't have my son grow up the way I did, parents at loggerheads and constantly at (an all be it silent) war. I never had an 18th birthday party, a 21st party, any sort of large family gathering because I felt so uncomfortable about having them in the same room and I am unlikely to ever really have a wedding because of it. I won't let my son suffer the same fate.
Well my mum went nuts. Basically said I was accusing her of ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why my mum feels the way she does. My dad was an arsehole to her and its not surprising she holds a bitter grudge. But the sad cold fact is it really has left an awful legacy in my life. I have a separate relationship with my mother and my father and while it doesn't affect me 99percent of the time, it really does upset me at how....disjointed it is. In fact it probably doesn't affect me because I don't let myself dwell on it. If I let myself think about it too much it upsets me a great deal. It almost feels like I have this awful hurt that is compacted deep deep down and I can't even begin to start trying to dislodge it and clear it out because it is just too painful.
I am talking about this for 2 reasons. Firstly it is my sons birthday next month and I am absolutely trying my hardest to maintain relations with my ex for his sake but the fucking idiot won't play ball. "He's not old enough to understand he's only 6" - yes well I was only 7 and guess what I understood fucking perfectly. It really winds me up that he does not consider the future for our son and how he is going to be affected and how his relationships will be affected. But then I suppose unless you have experienced it yourself how could you understand. I resent my parents sometimes because of this. That sounds awful but sometimes I just think oh my god you fucking idiots like anyone even gives a fuck that you got your heart broken a million years ago just get over it.....but how can you say that.
The other reason I speak about this is because the more I read the book about being scared of comittment the more I realise that I think part of it may be down to something so simple as my fear of having a wedding. And the reason I fear having a wedding is because it makes me feel sick the thought of my parents face to face.
I don't for one minute think my parents have intentionally set out to have this effect on me. I think if they though that was the case they probably would have stopped it and got on for my sake. It's too easy to say kids are young it doesn't affect them. It does fucking affect them. It badly fucking affects them. It breaks my heart to think of my son going through what I have. Also, like I say it only gets to me occasionally, but when it does get to me my first thought is....fucking selfish bastards. Both of them, even the injured party. Bad isn't it.
Il keep reading the book. I hope it's something else and not this because I really don't fancy confronting this in fact I could well need therapy to even consider it. But it is looking more and more like I AM a big cliche and all my problems are down to my childhood.
Fucks sake
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