Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Revenge is Sweet!!!!!

I am on top of the world!!!! Today my dear Andy showed exactly how much I'd got to him! He stayed silent when Allan sent him the message telling him what a fat cunt he was! He remained mute when I named and shamed him in the blog and you lot started slating him which caused him to switch off his twitter. Today however, today was the day that he finally got so fucking pissed off he actually picked the phone up and text me.

I can't express how much this means. Iv been itching for a reaction out of this cunt since the word go and while I knew how much the blog and twitter in particular would have wound him up I had to enjoy it from afar as I knew he would never want to let me know how much he was annoyed. Poor little love just couldn't control himself any longer today though and whilst I was trying out my new mascara this afternoon I got a text from a number I don't have in my phone...

Andy: "So what exactly have you gained from hacking my e-mails"

Scratched my head for a moment, what the fucks he on about? Then I realised.....he must have got the email confirmation that his roller disco's been cancelled!!!!!!!!!!! He must have booked it over email and then when he's seen the email back he must have just assumed I was in his emails! Over fucking joyed!!!!!

Me "hacked your emails??!!!! I haven't!!!!!"

Andy "my whole network has been compromised and I traced the IP address to Liverpool"

Oh yeah alright fucking mark zuckerberg! His network consists of his MacBook, his telly, his play station and his Xbox. We aren't exactly talking the fucking CIA. What's happened has his fucking Xbox sent a coded SOS message to the Feds and now they are all hot footing it up the m6 to apprehend the cyber threat hacker extraordinaire that is @singlegalabto who it transpires breaks down firewalls in her spare time?! Fucking tit!!!

Me "not guilty!!"
"Can't take credit for the I'm afraid!!"
"Why would I hack your emails when I can cause trouble so much more efficiently in other ways!"

Ohhhh god he was livid!!!

Andy" for fucks sake just leave it"

Me "because believe me, you slagged off my son and now it transpires your shagging a child with red hair, I'm just warming up. I will make you wish you had never been fucking born"
"No need to reply this is not a conversation!!!!!!"

OOOOOOOHHHH whipped by his own fucking put down!!!!!!! Love it! I was almost weeing wit excitement!!!!!!!

Andy "all this for a break up god!!!! Are you really that petty"

Me "no, all this because you slagged off my son. And yes, I care about my son more than life. Haven't you got a roller disco to be getting ready for?.....Cunt"

Andy " and that child has been in my life 3 years longer than you. Ok il take these threats on board"


Andy "she's 20"

Me "she's not love she's 19"
"Look I'm driving, I can't enjoy this conversation as much as of like, why don't you go and make sure no ones slashed the tyres on your roller skates and il go about my business"

Andy " and you think this is normal behaviour by you is it!"

Me "stop texting me it's only making everyone laugh in the car"

"And yes, it's perfectly normal. You slagged off my son, therefore I am by default now going APE SHIT and I won't stop until you really really really really regret it! Told you I'm just warming up! Funny fucker aren't I! You might thing I'm crazy, thousands more think I'm a fucking hero! Your opinion is negligible. Fucking roller disco birthday party it still cracks me up!!!!!! Bellend!!!!!!!"

Andy " what are you on about"

Andy "I'm not even bothered"

Me "oh but you see you are! You so fucking furious you have actually fucking text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He's going nuts and I love it!!! The absolute icing on the cake is that when we rang them up to cancel we put my gay mate on the phone and he told them he was cancelling the party because he had just come of the closet to his girlfriend and he thought she might turn up at the party so he best cancel it! And the woman at the skate park was like oh yes that's probably wise!! And we said that because it was short notice that aswell as the 50quid deposit they should take another 50for the inconvenience!!!!!! So now even of he rings up and says oh my mad ex girlfriend cancelled my party they are going to be like oh yes you did mention that and they will think he's gay!!!!!!!! It's so funny I can't stop laughing!!! This is hands down my favourite break up of all time!!!!! Fucking cunt!!!! Happy birthday Andy!!!!!!!!

I can pull of psycho ex like no other! You can say what you want to me but slate my son or family and you are going down and you can take your skates with you!!!!!!

Until next time!! Xxxxxx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Can't Cope, Won't Cope!

So as you may have gathered from my little twitter fumage last night, I had fucking right titty lip on and it was all because of...ANDY!!!!!!!!!
Don't even ask me why I was speakin to him but he said I was "like a cancer" and referred to my son as "that fucking wierd kid of yours"
Now I have to say the whole like a cancer comment didn't bother me all that much because he is generally a cunt and therefore I don't care what he thinks of me, but what sort of warped twisted piece of shit slags off a 5 year old child please? I felt sick with rage. I actually do believe if I had been near him I could have quite easily stabbed him to death with a big fuck off knife and I am not saying that to be dramatic I really did feel so sick and angry by that fucking comment I could have happily murdered him and whatsmore I would have thoroughly enjoyed it.
It was like a red mist of rage had come down over me. I was ready to bounce down to his house and start fucking shit up. I was in shock and awe at the level of cuntness being displayed by this prick that I just couldn't gather my thoughts as to what would be the best way destroy him slowly and painfully.
I had a kit kat and mulled it over.
Decided that whilst pre-meditated murder would probably have satisfied my need to harm him, it probably wasn't worth doing time over. I also couldn't message him back as I had deleted all his number and messages in my fit of rage after sending some half arsed your a gobshite message back. I was feeling so pissed off that I hadn't thought of something decent to say in time and he was well and truly winning left right and centre. Offensive.
Decided to have a chat with the one person guaruntee to cheer you up in a situation like this.
Your dramatic gay mate.
"The little smelly cunt" was Allans reaction
"I know" I said, "Sweaty, fat wonky toothed, adhd, drug addict little rat"
"See so just ditch the bitch! leave him to his meaningless shags and his pathetic little non entity of a life, From what you have told me he was genuinely a fuckin LOSER"
"I really wanna tell him that he's a bad cunt" I said
" tell him his dad's Jimmy Saville an as a dead man he can Fix it for you beyond the grave better than he ever could with his one inch pinch the smelly grock! " was Allans reply. He really does have a way with words that boy.
I decided to own up to the severity of the situation by sending Allan a link to Andys facebook page so he could see for himself what fucking mess he actually was.

Allan: "i cant see his pics properly but thes one I can see he looks like a fuckin holy show... wtf, skateboy?... Ang on, how old's he? absoloute first class wanker!!!
ya can tell by his pics he thinks hes a teenager"

Me: "yeah right all his new mates are pure kids yeah skater boy hes 25 an his mates are about 15-182

Allan "you shock me"
"what were u doin with that"

Me "i know its bad isnt it2

Allan "very bad"
"were u feelin okay?"

Me "no!"
"he ordered a gram to sit and watch newsnight once"

Allan "LOL cringe on him! seriously
no hoper"

So we decided that while it was probably better to be the bigger person and just walk away from the situation, I really was so upset by the attack against my child that a cheap shitty message in his direction would make me feel an awful lot better!! As I had already got him to block me on facebook the other month and I had deleted all his numbers etc I had no way of doing this. Luckily, Allan was on hand to step in!

"oh it hasnt got the option to message only subscribe or add friend, I promise u
hang on
ive added him LOL
when he accepts WATCH LAD"

Me "ohhhh fuckin hell! yano what else is offendin me eyeballs? hes a 25 conservative voter white male from grimsby....why does he keep referring to everything as "sick"? x

Allan: "tryna fit in wid da boyssss!!! DAT IS SICK BOIII!!! fat ming x"

We sat an had a gab for a bit when Allan said "hes rejected the request LOL"
Not to worry, I said, he's got a page set up for his imaginary skate company hes created, we'll just write on that wall!!! Allan had a secret facebook he'd made to stalk ex's so he logged in on that an posted on the wall of the page and then then had a look on his own profile!! Proper pathetic kids we were, I was fucking loving it!!

Allan "OOer the post has gone and I swear down on my nieces life I didn't delete it. He must have."
Me "shut uppppppp

Allan "have a look if its there I cant see it"

Me"no i cant see it!!! did u write it on the actual wall of the page?! haaaaa!!!! xx"

Allan "yeah I wrote it on the wall an see at the side where it's got the list of wallposts? it was there a second ago. He's deleted it he must have xx
oh am gonna log back into the other profile to see if hes messaged it LOL xx"

Me "hahahaha abrilliant|!!!!!! xx"

Allan now on his other profile "wtf i cant see it xx"

Me: "can you cope?! coz i cant!!!! xx"

Allan "haha can't cope wont cope! xx"
it might show up soon I dunno. I can see the other posters messages but not mine!! xx

Me "haaaaa funnyyyyyy oh i dont get it. Just message to the page and then wel call it a night ay"

So thats what he did. We sent a stupid childish low blow insulting message to a gobshite. Amount of childish patheticness of the action? 100million. Amount of Fucks given: 0 So he can take his wonky teeth and his drug addiction and his adhd and his skates and actually go and fuck off.


Monday, 19 November 2012

Sorry, no shags here

Saturday night, it should have been oh so simple.

Had a family meal planned in the Orchid Garden in West Derby which is an amazing Chinese resteraunt. I should have been at home in bed by 11pm. It should have been a very civilsed evening.

So what happened?

Well I hadn't had a drink in ages and was really looking forward to a glass of wine so I bought myself a bottle. After I had drunk this I went on to consume to vodka diet cokes, and by the time it came to be home time I came up with the brilliant idea of going to meet my mates in the pub for a drink....famous last movements.

Met my mates at last orders and we then decided to get a carry out from the pub and head back to one of their houses. You know how this goes down don't ya. Go back to your mates with a shit load of ale...etc...and sit up till all hours putting the world to rights. 5.30am swings by and the hosts of the party decide its bedtime and its time for a taxi home.

Bladdered, alone but strangely still in the mood to drink I arrived home to discover the new neighbours that had just moved in appeared to be having a party. Was I annoyed at the racket? Was I worried about the fact there might be party animals moving in? No, was I fuck, I was overjoyed at the fact I had a new party to attend. Never mind the fact I had never met these people in my life, I was absolutely over the moon and was plotting on how I could score myself an invite.

This is the sort of knobhead I am ya see.

So I go out in the back garden to fuck about putting the bin out as ya do at stupid o'clock on a sunday morning and it wasn't long before my new neighbour invited me in for a drink. So round I go to discover my new neighbours party is in fact him and all his dude mates sitting playing the playstation and here I am in a house full of blokes. Oh god.

So I sit and have a drink and then the next thing I know is the new dudes girlfriend comes bouncing down the stairs and immediately starts giving me evils! "Hiya, Im your new neighbour" I say, trying to be warm and friendly to my new residents, she does not seem impressed. She goes into the kitchen to kick off on her fella and I get the impression I am no longer welcome at my new neighbours housewarming!!

So I say "Right I think I'm gonna go" and she says "I think you should!"
Oh my god Im in trouble now!!!
The look on my face must have said it all because she followed it up with a "Only coz I'm throwing all these out aswell"...
So back home I go with my vodka I have stolen from the party and the next thing there is a knock at the door and it turns out its a dude who was at the party. Do I send him away? Do I ignore him? No I invite him in for a drink! This is how up for a party I was at this point! So in he comes with a vodka and orange and proceeds to sit on my sofa and tell me how fit I am. Yes mate, thats a given.

After half an hour of this it starts to dawn on me that this dude thinks he's getting laid. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not the case and I don't just shag people I've only just met 2 hours ago....(...unless I am reaaaally horny or reeaaallly depressed and need to validate my life by feeling wanted and sexy etc etc but I think I got over that phase about 2 years ago to be honest)...and oh god love him he tried and tried for hours and hours. I am going to share with you some of the highlights of what party dude came out with during our friendly drink together:

"Your amazing"
"I think we have a real connection"
"I have never met anyone like you before"
"I want to have kids with you"
"I think I need to be with a more mature girl like you than some of the girls I normally meet" - took personal offence to this, is he saying i'm OLD??? I'm fucking 27.
"I love you"
"I will wait for you"
"I will change for you"
"I'll get a job for you" - personal favourite.

Seriously. Do girls actually fall for this shit? I know I do tend to normally (if a little fooishly) believe dudes when they have told me they loved me in the past but they have all been my boyfriend and generally I would say that only 3 out of the 5 of them where lying maybe even all of them where truthful they were just arseholes and I had definately known them for longer than 2 hours when the revelation came.

Couldn't fucking believe half the shit he was spouting, it was actually hillarious, particularly because I had even refused to tell him my name until he was leaving!!! That being said we did have quite a laugh and it was nice to have a bit of male adoration even if it was from a drunken buffoon. Its scary though because I could imagine a less wise and educated sister could quite easily have fallen for the spiel. I think many a girl from Speke has fallen victim to this nonsense. These blokes should come with a health warning.

What the fuck am I going to do about the neighbour situation? I am unsure if the girlfriend has moved in or if it is the dudes house and she just stays over occasionally but whatever the situation I am quite certain she does not like me! Should I go round and apologise? Or should I just leave it considering I don't think I've done anything wrong I was quite clearly invited round and I was leaving anyway!!

This is what happpens when alcohol gets into my system. I am a bellend. Been sitting here for 2 days with drinkers remorse and feel paranoid that everyone hates me. Also feel depressed that nobody loves me (apart from party dude of course) and it even makes me really miss my ex...I am certain this is just hangover related and I will be absolutely fine tomorrow. I am also overjoyed that I did not shag that party dude. I was really pissed and it would have been really easy to, but I know I would have woken up the next day feel a million times more like shit. So I may be sad that I am hungover and sad that I don't have a boyfriend but at least I'm not a slag which can only be a good thing!

@singlegalabto xxx

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Thank god I'm not knocked up

Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans I shit an entire street of semi detached houses this morning let alone a brick.
Came to my attention last week on Wednesday that there had been a distinct lack of monthly Mother Nature action in my life for a fair while. Was calculating how long it had been and it was defo before I went to magaluf. I'd stopped taking my pill on the Monday and I was by my reckoning 2 days late. I thought nothing of it and went about my business and forgot about it. This morning I woke up and was sick for no apparent reason. It was about 5am and I didn't have any stomach ache it was more the sort of nausea you get when you are travel sick. Funny, I thought, I have only felt like this once before and that was when I was.......shiiiiiiiiit.
Looked in the diary and I was now 9days late by my calculations. No period plus random spewing for no reason.....the writing was well and truly on the wall.
Shot up and got showered and dressed as quick as a could. Only one place a girl could seek refuge at 5am in a situation like this and that is the 24hour asda. I reasoned with myself that I could get the test, go into work, do the test (because I'd be dying to know all day) and if it was worst case scenario (knocked up by a bloke that couldn't give a flying bejesus about anything let alone me and future bouncing baby) I could go straight the sexual health clinic after work and cross the wtf am I gonna do bridge when I came to it preferably with the aid of a Valium.
So I flew over to the asda like a bat out of hell and wandered straight to the aisle of doom. Felt like a naughty teenager I did. Decided I wasn't gonna arse about with Asdas own pregnancy tests I wanted a clear blue bastard with a clear result. That is until I got to the aisle and found the clear blue tests all in big security boxes with price tags upwards of 15fucking quid. Are they actually fucking messing? 15quid? Security boxes? Who the fuck would rob a pregnancy test when they do them for free in the chemist? It's only bellends like me shitting themselves at 5am surely that actually buy these stupid things? Decided I didn't want to face a check out woman who would have to retrieve the test out of its Fort Knox capsule all the while giving me knowing looks of "been shaggin av u?" , "no wedding ring at?" , "does your parents know ur here?" (I looked about 12this morning) so I abandoned clear blue in favour of a 9quid first response test that didn't come with its own armoured vehicle. Went to the help yourself till, parted with 9 hard earned English pounds for something I ultimately would piss on and throw away and headed for the exit.
The fucking burglar alarm things started going off as soon as I walked out of the door didn't they. Turns out first response have one of those white strip alarm things they stick on dvds and stuff that was cleverly concealed underneath. So I had to stand and wait for the security guard who demanded to see in my bag and my receipt. I handed him the bag and you should have seen the blood drain from the poor blokes face when he saw what it was. Oh it's alright love he said. And off I went.
So now I was on my way to work thinking what the fuck will I do if it's positive?? Tell the dude?? Not tell him?? Move house to somewhere bigger?? Sell my arse to feed it?? Get rid?? Be a mother of 2? By the time I had got to work I had mentally got fat and joined the bingo and had done with it and by the time I got to the toilets I was sick with fear and dread.
The minute wait between the pissing and the big reveal was the longest minute of my life. I was already mentally texting the dude in my head saying erm hi, soz about this but uv knocked me up.... My life couldn't have been any more shit than it was at this point. And then, then came the moment I looked down at the little pink window to see one single solitary non pregnant line and I have literally never been so relieved in my entire life. You couldn't get the smile off my face all day to the point where people where asking me why I was so happy!!! Thank The Lord for that !!! Still no idea why iv not come on. Il probably come on tomorrow now I'm 9quid worse off but never mind.
Dude asked me out today, I'm literally snowed under with cock at the minute. Not heard from the oilrigger in 2 days since he got off the rig. Is anyone else sensing a bird? I'm sensing a bird. Oh well see what appens. I'm still all over the boy toy told him hel be having his induction in next week or so, he has to get enough money together first to pay for his own ale. Don't know what it is with me and the unemployed recently they seem to love me. Decided I quite like the old flame again might see him tomorrow and the new guy has potential so going to see if he can seduce me with his witty banter.

That's all for now kids x x x

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Defo got my swag back

If you read my blog yesterday you know I am occupying myself with an oilrigger, an old flame and a boy toy.....and a partridge in a pear tree.

Seen the old flame today. And do you know I think iv gone off him a bit. Doesn't seem as exciting as it was the first time around....in fact he was sort of doing my swede in. We chatted for a bit and he did the usual flirty tickling and messing with my hair but I am telling you now there was not the remotest hint of a party in my pants. Think I'm going to have to swerve him. Mind you saying that I perhaps shouldn't be too hasty as the aim of the operation is to cobble together a satisfying and fullfilling distraction until the love of my life comes and sweeps me off my feet and therefore I shouldn't be so quick to discard such an experienced and sizeable (if a little dull) cock.

The dude that is providing the majority of the excitement at the moment is the sexual sink breaking stallion that is the oil rigger. This morning I awoke to the following what's app:

Hey gorgeous. How's you today? Looking stunning in your picture. I love it. So you got much planned today? Xx

Now this is what ya like to see, the dude is ticking boxes on numerous levels. Firstly, a text in the morning, this makes me feel wanted and appreciated, next he's telling me I'm gorgeous, yes yes yes again always a fan of flattery. He goes on to tell me he loves my what's app pic, again this makes me feel spesh, and the he asks me what I'm up to giving the impression that he gives a fuck. Well done oil rigger, full fucking marks there. Not only are horny memories of our passionate fucking now in the forefront of my mind but you are also giving the impression you Care a little bit which is most definitely a plus point.
Back when out brief encounter happened years ago, communication on the oil rigs was not the best, there is no phone signal and the Internet was shit so I got the occasional email every couple of weeks and because of that we ended up not speakin very often. Now however I am delighted to discover that things have progressed and they can now wi fi and what's app out there. Excellent news for a young girl in need of adoration from afar. That's just it though, the likelyhood of me actually getting a grip of this dude again are slim, but never say never 4 years on he still thinks I'm hot...

The little boy toy has been a bit quiet today I suspect he's been out and got pissed, may drop him a little text later to see if he fancys a goosing next week on the provision that my boiler is fixed.

I had forgotten how easy this single lark could be. Got a little bit boring since the beginning of the year, a little bit calm, a little bit normal. Fuck that, the winter is approaching and I am having some reckless, selfish and downright filthy fun which is waaaaaay overdue. Yes I would like to be loved up and shit, but in the stark absence of a love affair a girls got to fucking eat. I refuse point blank to make any apologies for the randy mare that I am either!.

Ohhhh just had a text from the boy toy god love him. Iv dived straight in with the filth and came back with "your learning x"

So I said "listen, if we end up hooking up it will be you getting the fucking education"

And he said " I'll make sure I'm top of the class xx"

Fucking is right!!!! A young impressionable 22year old who I can train up exactly how I want !! Old enough to know his way around a fanny but not too old he's stuck in his bad habits and refuses to respond to instructions!! Don't you just fucking hate it when men watch porn and think that's what's meant to happen in sex? Iv had a dude on more than one occasion thinking it was absolutely horny as hell to stick his tongue actually inside me while he was going down on me. And Im lying there thinking seriously mate what the fuck are you doing. You've seen the size of your tongue, you've seen the size of your cock. How do you honestly expect your tongue to hit my g spot. Unless you are secretly a lizard and are going to project some sort of super long tongue out at some point. Clitoris. Tongues are for the clitoris. Tit.
Had a distinct oral sex drowt of late. Which is a shame because its my absolute favouritest way to orgasm. If you can make me come while going down on me straight away and I don't have to fake it then I'm basically marrying you and that's the end of it.

Just asked the boy toy if he's into anything filthy. Iv got everything crossed that he is haha. Thing with this boy toy is iv got a feeling he wants to be dominated which is not really my thing however this could bode well for my training course I want to give him so wel just have to wait and see.

He's just text me back after I clarified what I meant by filthy and I think he's literally just jizzed all overhimself.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Variety is the spice of life

So it turns out I wasn't quite as smitten as I first thought and I have now come to the conclusion that I quite frankly don't want to play with mr smitten any more!!! Fucks sake what am I like. However with it now being November and it nearing the anniversary of the most traumatic events of my life to date I quite simply need an abundance of male attention to get me through this Dark period. There, I said it, I hold my hands up, I am not even ashamed of myself.
I thought 2 would be enough to get me through. So I firstly chose a dude I was having some harmless fun with last year! It's a strange one with him we never had a conversation about ending anything we just sort of seemed to stop shagging so I knew itd be a dead cert. so I text him on Wednesday night and asked him what was occuring and I know I'm gonna end up seeing him tomorrow at some point coz iv got stuff on that's gonna put me in the same place as him so I'm 90percent certain a re run is on the cards.
Just to make double sure iv got enough dudeage to occupy me iv routed out a little boy toy I met on the plane home from magaluf. This story is typical me. I'm stood in the queue and with easyjet there's a speedy boarding queue and a normal one and this dude was in the speedy boarding queue by mistake and got told to move. "Ay can I jump in there" he said to me.... I just sort of nodded, couldn't really be arsed talking to anyone and had spent whole of the day before fucking a about with the guardia civil but he ended up sitting next to me on the plane home and we got to having a laugh. Turns out he had just done the season out there and was flying home. Was dead funny, bought me a buttie, suggested we join the mile high club an all that, and By the end of the flight we were messing about that much that the passport people made us go to the same desk to get out passports checked coz they thought we were together!!! Anyway swapped facebooks and all that and off I went.... Hadn't spoke to him since. Well I messaged him on Wednesday too didn't I and I now have phone number and a promise hahaha. I'm not joking when I say boy toy tho he was born in the 90s oh well fuck it as far as I'm concerned if his mothers still not claiming child benefit for him then it's alright.
So I thought I was all set with the 2 dudes...imagine my surprise when a third turned up!! So yesterday I put on my facebook that I had a new number and I couldn't remember who I had text and who I hadn't so if u want my new number then message me. Straight away I get a message from a fittie I was obsessed with years ago!!
"We'll I certainly didn't get no text with your new bloody number!! Bad times. And what's all this I hear about there was a sighting of you in swanley the other week"
It was true, I had been in swanley 2 weeks previous and it transpired swanley is about 5mins up the road from where this dude lives.
The dude is an oilrigger and I was completely bessotted with him. We had some earth shattering sex, we even broke a sink off a wall during one hot fuck and I had been dying for another piece of him all these years but he lives so far away and he works on the oil rigs so it just never happened. He lives outside London and its a pain in the arse to get to as I have since discovered! We always say will meet up halfway but it never happens. Anyway we gets to chatting and he has now been texting me every day and also sent me pictures of his cock telling me how much he still thinks about our time together. To tell you the truth I'd swerve off both of the other 2 just for another night with this hot bastard he's on a parr with sexy sex on the beach bobby!!!
So that's where I'm up to at the minute. Got myself a trio of men to wile away my lonely days. Will anything happen with any of them.... Who knows.....I'd say the most likely is the boy toy, soon as my boilers fixed that young whippersnapper is getting a cordial invite round to my house where he is going to receive the most important practical lesson he will ever fucking learn teehee!!!!!

All thoughts of love, security, relationships and harmony are all right on the back burner until next year. Bollocks to it in having me a bit of fun for a change!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Things I don't give a fuck about

The less of a fuck you give, the happier you will be. I have compiled a list of things I don't give a fuck about and my reasons for this, in no particular order.
1. What I look like in photos.
The camera fucking hates me and while I'd like to think I'm not a total Uggo in real life, the camera transforms me into a gozzy spasticated twat. Even when I look at myself in the iPhone camera that's lookin at you and I think yeah I look sound, as soon as I click the photo button, immediately the image of me morphs into some mangled face ache. So I learned to live with the fact I always look a bellend on photos and it now no longer bothers me. Only thing is when ur out with people who haven't accepted the camera makes them look awful yet and make u stand there for half an hour on a night out deleting an retaking, u get annoyed that they haven't embraced the I don't give a fuck attitude yet! They'll learn.
2. What I weigh
Obviously I'm not sayin I'd be happy as a 30stoner who couldn't get on a normal toilet for fear of smashin it but I am sayin it no longer arses me what the scales say pretty much. Fat is a state of mind for the most part. Don't get me wrong if I put weight on I might feel uncomfortable in myself however I feel better through going the gym and toning up rather than losing weight. All girls seem to wanna be dead skinny. I did too once upon a time. I think the breakthrough came when I went to spearmint rhino in Vegas and ended up in a situation with a stripper which really is another blog entirely to be honest haha but my point is lookin at this chick and the way she moved in danced n shook her arse n tits n all that it made me realise what was sexy. No one wants to fuck a skinny bastard at the end of the day. It's all about the curves an what u do with them. Iv put weight in since I quit smoking, felt terrible at first, but hammered the gym all week an while iv only lost a couple of lb I look in the mirror an think defo fuckable.... So I don't give a fuck what the scales say.
3. Men with loads of money
I don't give a fuck about how much money a man has. In fact as soon as a dude starts drawing attention to the fact he might have wedge, I start to go off him. It particularly pisses me off when they pull out said wedge in front of u and start paying for things with a wad of 20s. My instant thought is what sort of bellend walks around with that amount of cash. It makes me think it's just done to show me how much money they have. Men like this tend to have little else to offer. Having said that I do on the most part tend to get embroiled with rich men. By en large I would say this was a coincidence altho the ones I have known to be brusteed from the outset have attracted me by their success rather than their dollar although its obviously a nice bi product if you get me.
4. If I look like a mess on an impromptu night out.
I can go the pub straight from work and not give a fuck. My main priority when I'm out is havin a laugh. I'm not there to pull, in fact I rarely pull when I go out on account of the fact I'm usually havin a shiney disco ball raving me rocker off somewhere, but if I go the pub and get bladdered and end up in town then I'm not arsed its all good. I am the least vain person ever my best mate dispairs of me sometimes but I really do find it hard to give a fuck. Il make an effort on a night out like but mainly u have to take me as you find me.
5. Going places on me bill
I don't give a fuck if in the first person at the restaurant when I'm meeting me mates il sit at the bar an make friends with the batman. I'm not arsed about going to new places on my own like the gym or to classes or moving teams in work or starting a new job. Literally could not give a fuck. Il go for a bevvie with someone iv never met on my own, il piss off to marbs with a fat guy, i quite simply do not give a fuck. I quite like my own company. In fact sometimes I prefer it.
6. People who don't give a fuck about me
My tolerance level for bellends has significantly decreased this year since my horrendous bereavement experience at Xmas. My not givin a fuck in this area is recent as I used to hate it when I thought people didn't like me or something. Now, I couldn't give a fuck. To my mates il go to the ends of the universe to support them or make their lives easier but as soon as it becomes apparent that someone doesn't give a fuck about me, I immediately do not give a fuck about them or anything they have to say. It's almost like they become a non entity with me. It's as tho something inside me says " this person doesn't like you, clearly they are a dickhead and are completely irrelevant and ridiculous. Can no longer authorise brain space for this waste of oxygen. Swerved" and just like that I can no longer give a fuck about anything they have to say. The main thing I have learned is it doesn't matter if people don't like you. Because nobody gives a fuck about who likes you and who doesn't.
7. If you are fucking my ex boyfriend
No body gives less of a fuck about who is fucking my ex boyfriends than me. No one.
That's all I can think of for now. I pretty much don't give a fuck about much

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 4 November 2012


I am bored shitless and freezing cold waiting in for the boiler man so I have decided to have a full and frank discussion with myself about nipples.

I have a love hate relationship with nipples.

Twiddling with them too hard or too much makes me kind of feel like I am going to piss myself. I don't know if anyone else feels the same. I don't know how them birds off the pornos sit there with pure clothes pegs and nipple clamps on. I personally would scream my head off and there would be a big @singlegalabto shaped hole in the roof if anyone dared try and put any sort of clamping device on them. No tar. Having said that, done right, twiddling with them just right can make my orgasm speed up no end. So far there have only been 2 people in my shagging life that have got this perfect. The first one was sexy sex on the beach Bobby from Tenerife who hit the nail so accurately on the head I think he needs to get some sort of fucking award.

The second one is my current love interest who you may notice I am remaining cagey about but lets just say erm #smitten haha. Totally got it right last week and I think this is why nipples are so prominent in my mind at the moment.

There is a lot of room for error with nipples. Boys tend to just dive straight in with them, thinking they can pull them and prod them and squeeze them as if they where buttons on some sort of breast playstation. I find a lot of boys tend to forget that nipples and indeed boobs themselves are actually attached to our bodies and while yes, we do enjoy a bit of rough from time to time, the vast majority of dudes these days are no fucking Christian Grey. When I was 19 I was going out with a boy who BIT my nipples once. Bit them.Why the fucking hell would anyone think that that was ok? Playful nibbles from an experienced and skilled sex god...yes yes yes. Monster munch from a hungry and over excited 22 year old? No no no.

Boys/Men.....Know your limits.

Nipples are very clever. They let me know I am cold before I am even aware of it, allowing me to put the heating on before I feel cold myself. They also let me know sometimes if I am horny, before I know it myself. The other night I was lying watching telly and all of a sudden my arse got smacked by Mr #Smitten. First reaction was "what the fuck did you do that for you bellend?" but before I kicked off, I was alerted by my nipples that actually it was pretty fucking hot.

The man is here now in my bedroom fixing my boiler, and I am on the bed typing about nipples. Nipples tell me this is not exciting. Strange. I thought it would be.

2 faced fuckers, and why they need to grow a pair.

We all know the type. The people that are nice as pie to your face and then go and slag the living shit out of you behind your back. Whether its something stupid like taking the piss out of your barnet, or something more serious like they are seriously plotting your downfall, we all know at least one person that we couldn't trust as far as we could throw and while we wouldn't go out of our way to do them harm, we would be more than overjoyed if they where to, i don't know, accidentally shit themselves in public for example.
I got to thinking about this after blog gate the other day. Clearly our dear Crankie had been stalking my blog on the stealth for quite some time. I hadn't written one in 2 weeks and when I did write it she was all over it in hours. Its annoying because while I suspected she was a bad stalker, I didn't anticipate the level of stalking she was doing. I can only conclude she must follow my twitter somehow, or checks it right on the reggers anyway. Its also annoying because the blog weren't even meant to be all about her. I wrote that blog about this dude I shagged last winter, and that on Friday I was pissed off because she had made my mate ring me up alllllll night asking me questions about this dude when I was sat in snuggled up. It was out of order and it was that that led me to blog. I only wrote about why we had fell out because I wanted to give you some background on the bellendness of the situation, but the main point of the blog was not about her. I then had a rethink and thought shit I'm gonna cause my mate a whole load of earache here, so I quickly deleted the bit about her and thought right I'll re-write the blog when I get home. But then I went to the gym and I forgot/couldn't be arsed and Unfortunately she had already seen it and gone ape-shit anyway. And she became the main focus of it, which is grim haha.
It got me thinking though, how many other gobshites are reading my blog on the stealth? I reckon there are a couple more undercover mother fuckers that pretend they are not interested in me or my life but secretly sit there eagerly anticipating the next installment of @singlegalabto's escapades. There are a few people I don't see eye to eye with which from my point of view is for no reason. Does anyone else have people that seem to hate them for no apparent reason. Let me tell you, there is always a reason. It is only ever one of the 3 following reasons.
1. You have done something awful to them
2. They are Jealous of you
3. They see you as a threat.
Crankie falls into category number 3. The first thing she did when she realised I was upset was not to look at it from my point of view and try and see things differently, it was to tell me I was insane and twisted and then immediately get in touch with ALL of our mutual friends and tell them I was a liar. She saw me as a threat to her perfect image. And I can't stress this enough I couldn't have been any more gentle in the beginning saying look you know I just feel maybe I could have heard more from you.... Shes probably fucking reading this now and thinking whyyyyys she fucking writing about me, but I know her and if I don't write this and just went onto the next paragraph she would think I thought she was jealous of me, and I can't be arsed with her going around saying ohhhh she thinks i'm jealous what a bitch, I would rather she bitched about me armed with the correct facts haha.
The majority of people who seem to dislike you for no reason will fall whole heartedly into category number 2. Jealous Jealous Jealous. You know the type. The people who are just that little bit fatter than you. On just that little bit less money than you. Just that little bit less fit than you. Just that little bit beneath you. Whose lives are just that little bit shitter than yours. You get me?! So they feel that little bit of envy everytime they see you especially when you live the life of fucking riley like I do. I don't get it though. Don't get me wrong I get jealous of fit rich bastards with better lives than me too, but I'm more the type of person instead of sitting feeling jealous and hating them, I'll make friends with them and then say ok you fucker how did you get that boss hair/boss job/whatever, coz I want it too. I will go out of my way to be nice to anybody I meet. Until they fuck me over. When they are placed firmly in the cunt category. Even once you are in the cunt zone I am still a soft as shit mother fucker and tend to get over things quickly. I have no hatred towards any of my ex's. Not even the ones who shagged the pregnant girls and robbed from me. So you know if you remain in the cunt zone for an extended period of time with me you really must be a proper bad cunt.
I reckon there are a fair few people who know me reading this blog and having a little bitch to each other. Eeeeee she went the swingers club eeeeeee fuckin hell eeeeeeeee she's a slag. No ladies, I believe the term you are looking for is "I wish I had the bollocks to do some of this shit, my life is borrrrrrrrrring". I wish I was a slag. I wish I didn't have a big flump for a heart otherwise I'd be boss at being a slag. But I do ha! I also don't have nearly enough sex to warrant being a slag either. Altho did have some proper boss sex last weekend #smitten! So to those people who are reading my blog on the sly thinking your James Bond, This is a special wave to you!
I can't be arsed with 2 faced people. If you have a problem then man up and speak to me about it. Don't pretend your my mate and then slag me off behind my back. That makes you a bellend.
Elsewhere in my life I am absolutely fuming becuase my boiler is broke errrrrgennnnnn the insurance only covered me for 250quids worth of repairs, I had to pay 87quid for this other part thing, the bloke came out, was here all day, fixed it, it worked for one day and then it broke again. Im fuming. No heating and no hot water. Last night after work I went to the gym but when I had finished I realised I had forgot my towel so couldn't have a shower. I drove to my mums, got in the shower, and then realised I had left my clean clothes in the car. I had to put on some work clothes that I had left there, no bra and my trainers to go home. I had to stop off at the co-op on the way home so I had to walk into the shop in this absolutely beautiful outfit. Carlsberg don't do meffs, but if they did they would probably be dressed the way I was last night.
So today is going to be spent waiting in for the boiler man again. I feel sorry for whoever comes in, they are gonna get both barrels from me I think. Everyone say boiler prayers for me I badly don't want to have to get a new boiler, not least because I haven't got any bastard money!!


Thursday, 1 November 2012

Being a winner

Well other than my phone blowing up all afternoon from cranksville left right and centre I have had a fucking epic day!! First of all I am overwhelmed by the nice messages n tweets iv got today, granted most of them where from me own mates but so many strangers too have sent me such nice words its nice to know people get me out there haha!!
Today in work I was on fire an a lady who I helped who was terminally ill told me I was a wonderful person and that I deserve all the happiness and joy that life has to bring me. Well I was fuckin sobbing buckets wasn't I, what a lovely thing to say. Made me feel all warm n fuzzy inside.
I'm totally smitten at the minute. Head over heels silly smitten. I don't wanna talk about it I'm that smitten. I'm hoping I won't bollocks it up hahahaha !!!
Ay I'm only blogging on my phone aren't I! Got the arl iPhone app for blogging and now I'm a blogger on the go! Made up!! God this week has been Chocca block full of over emotional drama queens yano an I'm not even talkin about blog gate last night I'm talking in general! Some people just love to be fucking dramatic! Any excuse to be fucking dramatic! Oh wait there let me just go an be a bit more fuuuuucking dramatic! Can't cope! Does anyone else find they are inundated with a deluge of muppets recently?!! Must be coz the clocks av gone back.
Still workin all the hours god sends to earn enough money to put me and my lad back on the rolling in it end of the spectrum. It's hard work this working single mother malarkey yano. Not just saying that to be on the band wagon but it's proper hard graft. Special mention to all the hard workin single mums out there doin the business for the cause. And the mums with fellas actually coz their just as hard fucking work. Pats on the back all round.
Right that's all I have to say this evening. I promise funny bloggage will resume soon my last few ones have been miserable and I'm starting to bore the living shit out of even myself. Finally I am experimenting with uploading pictures to my blog so here is a picture of a hoover.
Peace out mother fuckers xx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone