Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans I shit an entire street of semi detached houses this morning let alone a brick.
Came to my attention last week on Wednesday that there had been a distinct lack of monthly Mother Nature action in my life for a fair while. Was calculating how long it had been and it was defo before I went to magaluf. I'd stopped taking my pill on the Monday and I was by my reckoning 2 days late. I thought nothing of it and went about my business and forgot about it. This morning I woke up and was sick for no apparent reason. It was about 5am and I didn't have any stomach ache it was more the sort of nausea you get when you are travel sick. Funny, I thought, I have only felt like this once before and that was when I was.......shiiiiiiiiit.
Looked in the diary and I was now 9days late by my calculations. No period plus random spewing for no reason.....the writing was well and truly on the wall.
Shot up and got showered and dressed as quick as a could. Only one place a girl could seek refuge at 5am in a situation like this and that is the 24hour asda. I reasoned with myself that I could get the test, go into work, do the test (because I'd be dying to know all day) and if it was worst case scenario (knocked up by a bloke that couldn't give a flying bejesus about anything let alone me and future bouncing baby) I could go straight the sexual health clinic after work and cross the wtf am I gonna do bridge when I came to it preferably with the aid of a Valium.
So I flew over to the asda like a bat out of hell and wandered straight to the aisle of doom. Felt like a naughty teenager I did. Decided I wasn't gonna arse about with Asdas own pregnancy tests I wanted a clear blue bastard with a clear result. That is until I got to the aisle and found the clear blue tests all in big security boxes with price tags upwards of 15fucking quid. Are they actually fucking messing? 15quid? Security boxes? Who the fuck would rob a pregnancy test when they do them for free in the chemist? It's only bellends like me shitting themselves at 5am surely that actually buy these stupid things? Decided I didn't want to face a check out woman who would have to retrieve the test out of its Fort Knox capsule all the while giving me knowing looks of "been shaggin av u?" , "no wedding ring at?" , "does your parents know ur here?" (I looked about 12this morning) so I abandoned clear blue in favour of a 9quid first response test that didn't come with its own armoured vehicle. Went to the help yourself till, parted with 9 hard earned English pounds for something I ultimately would piss on and throw away and headed for the exit.
The fucking burglar alarm things started going off as soon as I walked out of the door didn't they. Turns out first response have one of those white strip alarm things they stick on dvds and stuff that was cleverly concealed underneath. So I had to stand and wait for the security guard who demanded to see in my bag and my receipt. I handed him the bag and you should have seen the blood drain from the poor blokes face when he saw what it was. Oh it's alright love he said. And off I went.
So now I was on my way to work thinking what the fuck will I do if it's positive?? Tell the dude?? Not tell him?? Move house to somewhere bigger?? Sell my arse to feed it?? Get rid?? Be a mother of 2? By the time I had got to work I had mentally got fat and joined the bingo and had done with it and by the time I got to the toilets I was sick with fear and dread.
The minute wait between the pissing and the big reveal was the longest minute of my life. I was already mentally texting the dude in my head saying erm hi, soz about this but uv knocked me up.... My life couldn't have been any more shit than it was at this point. And then, then came the moment I looked down at the little pink window to see one single solitary non pregnant line and I have literally never been so relieved in my entire life. You couldn't get the smile off my face all day to the point where people where asking me why I was so happy!!! Thank The Lord for that !!! Still no idea why iv not come on. Il probably come on tomorrow now I'm 9quid worse off but never mind.
Dude asked me out today, I'm literally snowed under with cock at the minute. Not heard from the oilrigger in 2 days since he got off the rig. Is anyone else sensing a bird? I'm sensing a bird. Oh well see what appens. I'm still all over the boy toy told him hel be having his induction in next week or so, he has to get enough money together first to pay for his own ale. Don't know what it is with me and the unemployed recently they seem to love me. Decided I quite like the old flame again might see him tomorrow and the new guy has potential so going to see if he can seduce me with his witty banter.
That's all for now kids x x x
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