Wednesday, 29 May 2013


Right well you are all going to go absolutely bat shit crazy at me here. I have done something so mental that even I myself can't believe I have done it, and what is more, I have no current intentions of stopping.

As you all know I spent the whole of last year battling with, getting over, and ultimately ruining the life of a certain boy who shall remain nameless. I spent months recuperating. I spent quality time moving on. I shagged people I shouldn't. So now, 7 whole months after I last saw him, when I could finally go about my business and say I was over him, I decided to congratulate myself by SPENDING THE LAST 3 DAYS FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT.

Alas dear brothers and sisters, I have committed yet another ridiculous cliche and shagged my ex.


How? I hear you cry.

And more to the point the question word for word from my best friend

"What possibly possessed you?!"

It is a question I can not answer. I can't even pinpoint exactly where this started again. We had been chatting on facebook. We had been having deep and meaningful conversations. You will remember the other week I went and had a rendezvous with an opportunistic shagger simply because he who remains nameless had told me he had banged a bird. After this incident I said to him he needed to not tell me he loved me anymore and stop messing with my head. Instead what he did was he said he wouldn't shag about and booked tickets to come and see me. Yes that's right, HE came HERE. And I welcomed him with open arms and legs.

Idiot! Fool! Masochist! Dickhead! Just some of the nouns I would imagine are hurtling through your minds right now.....I have no words.

I was nervous, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. We ended up having a lovely few days. A laugh. And lots and lots of ridiculously hot, passionate, filthy and at some points I'm quite certain must be illegal in some parts of the world, sex.

This is the thing.

It is a great unsolved riddle that we seem to have this inexplicable closeness and deep connection that I have never had before and I think I might be scared I won't ever get again!!! We have had a wonderful few days. I am very sad he's gone.

Of course there are large warning sirens ringing out heavily. Such as we have blatantly said we aren't getting back together. He has also been having sleep overs at this bird he was shagging the other week. He told me this. I don't know why he told me this. He didnt have to. He reckons he's been staying there because its close to work. This bird incidentally....obviously I have stalked the living shit out of facebook to come up with a name and a face (and also incidentally an address, postcode and a google maps image of her fucking front door....seriously, i should fight crime) when I discovered the identity of this bird I was shocked to find she looks like she was born in a fucking fire.

Which begs the question. Why doesn't he just stop fucking about with lesser mortals and just embrace the absolute wonderfulness that is me??!!!!!!!!!!

He reckons I am his best friend. And that I am everything he wants (exact words but he was pissed when he said them) but he reckons he can't stay faithful to me.


Clearly This last statement tells me all I need to know. I have re-read "he's just not that into you" to be sure but as suspected if someone blatantly says to you they will more than likely shag people behind your back it is fairly safe to assume that you are not the one they want to marry and settle down with and have a happy ever after relationship. I like to daydream and imagine us as the great lovers that make it work against the odds. Romeo and Juliet.... Anthony and cleopatra.....Gavin and Stacey....

Mind you saying that Romeo, Juliet, Anthony and cleopatra all ended up topping themselves and Gavin and Stacey ended up moving to Wales. What do I want? Does what I want even exist?

He reckons he is coming back up to visit in a few weeks. I am scared to bring up the "what is going on" conversation not least because I did attempt to express how I felt on Monday night having consumed numerous shots of tequila and it ended up with me on hysterical tears sobbing. Probably best not to bring it up again I'd say. So what do I do? Shall I carry on quietly and see what happens? Shall I assume he is fucking me about if I don't get any solid reassurance and then begin fucking about myself. There is a young man from our work hell bent on shagging me and we all know how well shagging young boys from the office works out for me.....

I spent today in a bubble of gloom. A horrific knot of anxiety in my stomach. Il level with you. I can not bare the thought of him with anyone else. Especially not someone that looks like the business end of shit. But he has told me he can't be faithful to me. So I must assume he is hopping straight from my bed to someone else's. Is this what I must do to?

The words are still ringing in my ears and every time I think about it I want to run away, delete facebook and throw away my phone. I don't really understand why he is planning another visit to Liverpool if he doesn't want me. I can't be THAT good of a shag. I think iv been friend zoned. If I'm friend zoned I need to ensure that this whole situation is nipped in the bud. He can't be coming round again, he can't be telling me all these I love you's.....

Had the perfect opportunity to go out with the new whippersnapper last night but I just couldn't face it. He has been texting me constantly asking if I'm ok. Can't exactly say no to be honest I'm not iv fallen back in love with my ex. Today is a hide from the world day.

When I got home from work I discovered he had left 2 of his tops here. Oh Christ there is boy evidence in my abode. This just gets worse!!!!! yes.....I put them on......I did refrain from sleeping in them tho.

My best friend informs me big brother is starting again in a couple of weeks. Thank god. Big brother is a tried and tested method of getting over a boy. You literally put it on and sit and obsess over it 24 hours a day, u have a live feed on digital spy, you watch all the associated programmes, and by the time it finishes you have moved on from your ex. I can't believe I have to start getting over him all over again!!!!!!!!!

Right so the plan is to throw myself into work and big brother and avoid all boys until I am feeling stronger.

I am sorry everyone, I'm a tit. Because I have been so naughty I am going to put a pic of myself up seein as no1 knows what I look like so here is a pic slip of me wearing my ex boyfriends top. Judge me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 18 May 2013


Today I was told a heartwarming tale by a young boy who has been with his girlfriend for 3 and a half years.

"Shit, she reckons she's pregnant"
 - Really, is that a bad thing?
"I've got a fucking bird!!"
"Her fucking fanny stunk aswell. I came home afterwards and my junk stunk. I didn't wanna have to start washing my junk at 3am coz my bird was in bed so I just had to spray a bit of febreeze on it and slide into bed and hope she didn't wake up and notice because if she would have grabbed my cock she would have knew"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is my view of the relationship world.

A few weeks ago I was introduced to another young boy who had appeared to take a shine to me. He is a new lad in our office. With the memory of the last young office whippersnapper still fresh in my mind I was dubious however what does @singlegalabto do when she decides she will never mess around with a young boy from work again.....she quickly finds an even younger boy in work. 1990. Dear god.

Regardless of this he seemed quite nice, and infinately more mature than the old one possibly because he is ex army so I thought oh what the hell. He asked me out, showered me in compliments, brought me gifts (Well it was cups of coffee but the sentiment was the same) and in general was ever the eager beaver.

Occasionally he would send rather suggestive texts and me in my "butter wouldn't melt" mode doesn't enter into such talk with new ones so I simply said "Have you not had it for a while or something"

And he replied

"Oh, well, heres the thing....shit....I don't know how to say this.....I've got a bird"


So it transpires this young lad is right down wrongun ally. But get this. He then goes on to tell me that I should give him a chance and he is a nice guy and he is really into me.

Sorry love I don't play second fiddle to anyone. Do I look like bit on the side material to you? Swerved.

He's inconsolable! Asking my mate if he will talk me round and the like. What the hell is he suggesting? He has 2 girlfriends? I be a backup? I just do not get boys at all.

It reminds me of that guy who used to send me messages on facebook about how he really wanted to fuck me and then the next day his statuses would be all about how he was getting married to the love of his life and all this.

I will never understand people. Why not just be single if you want to mess around?!!!!

In more uplifting news I have begun Herbalife and I am rather pleased to say I have lost 8lb in about 10 days with hardly any effort or discomfort at all! It takes a bit of getting used to all this shake replacement business but I will see where I am after a month and give everyone my full opinion.

It is almost 5 months now since I had sex. I think my record is 6 months. I'll be honest kids I am absolutely climbing the walls and I am in dire need of a good hard shagging session......I think by my next blog I will have had one x

Monday, 22 April 2013

Got wrecked and saw a willy

I saw a willy yet I am still a 2013 virgin. Work that one out.
This weekend could not have come quick enough. I have had a shitter of a week due to some gobshite from boyfriends past and I literally could not wait to get right out and party my socks off. I had not seen my Bezzie mate in months, since Amsterdam in fact. We pencilled this date in about a month ago and as I rocked home from work on Saturday afternoon there was my pal sat on my driveway bearing gifts of vodka, beak and clothes she didnt want any more. What a fucking bird.
We hit the vodka straight away. 6pm on our first large one was always only going to end one way. Made a slight schoolgirl error when we realised by around 8pm that we were pretty pissed and had to apply our make up but we were In a "fuck it" frame of mind so didnt care and went out resembling something out of the hobbit. Fit hobbits like but hobbits all the same.
Ungodly size bottle of vodka which started off our night

It was a night out on a shoe string as we are both skint so it was 40quid max. We got bladdered before we went out and got our tame taxi driver to take us and pick us up which he does for half price coz he's fuckin sound like that. So alls we had to spend was soft drinks money and entry into garlands. Winner.
We went to mohitos first which was just alright and then we went next door to bar baa where we danced for a bit when mate stops and says....
"Oh my god, it's Anton Powers...and he's heading towards the DJ box"
Me and my mate love Anton and we basically have stalked the living shit out of the poor boy for years. All the clubs, cream fields, you name it, we've been. It's become hillarious now because recently we have started getting our photo taken with him like full on groupies. We may be almost 30, but quite frankly we do not give a fuck. The man is a bloody musical genius.
Our fella phoooaaaaarrrrrr

We did not however know Anton was going to be there so you can imagine our joy. We stayed for his set, I think he either called us over for a picture or we guilted him into it by showing him other pictures of us together but who gives a fuck it's another one for the collection.
While all this drinking was going on we were of course getting right on it with a couple of bags of columbias finest. It's been a while since I got on the party powder and I'm not ashamed to admit I had a bloody ball.
Next stop garlands... Magical place, it's our spiritual home. I'd not been since boxing night and once in there I must have got over excited and ended up dropping a couple of pills too.....

By the time 5 o'clock rolled around I was ready to leave, I was going to the bad place....I tried to have a word with myself in the taxi but it was no use. I was gone.
I got in bed and started bargaining with myself. You clubbers will know what I mean. Having the "if I survive this night, I will never ever take another substance as long as I live. I mean it" conversation with yourself. "If I just stay dead still itl be alright". "I need a wee again. Again though iv been 15times already". "Have I been asleep?". "Am I just waiting?". "Help".
This went on for a good couple of hours or so when I finally got a couple of hours shut eye and then we decided we would make an emergency dominos order at 11am which made us feel much better. We must be the only clubbers that get HUNGRY after a heavy night on the gear. Sly.

My mate went home about half 1 and by this time my comedown is In full swing. I'm feeling lonely, needy, like I may shed a tear. Still with the "I love you" effects of the ecstasy bubbling around my body I made the rather ridiculous decision to call Andy. He's full of I love you's lately. On this occasion however he chose to inform me he'd banged some bird the night before which fucking depressed me further and I ended up having to pretend it was sound. "Ring me back in 15mins" he said. "I'm just getting on the tube".
I hung up ready to commit. There literally could not have been a better moment for an opportunistic shagger to text me and ask me if I fancied giving him a blow job.
"Really, what's in it for me" I said.
"I fact I will return the favour"
So I did didn't I.

Rang Andy back and said "afternoons perked up no end I'm getting laid il ring u tomorrow". Fuck you arsehole, 2 can play at that game flower. And off I went and had an hours cheeky business with an ex shaggee from last year. It's bloody ridiculous to be fair and he did literally mean blow job I'd only been there about 5 mins and he'd cum....fuming. But if Andy asks I got rattled all over the place and it was boss ok? Sound.
Yes so this weekend had it all. Partying, drugs, slutty behaviour yet shockingly I still have not had any sex this year which I think means I have retained my good behaviour sticker....if you hook up with someone you've had lots before then it doesn't count....right?
My mate doesn't know about the naughty behaviour. Lets see how long it takes her to text me and ask me who it was
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Sunday, 7 April 2013

ORGASMS - (contains references to masturbation do not read if you dont want to know)


Have you even seen that episode of sex and the city where Samantha loses her orgasms? Well no word of a lie I have been struggling with the same situation the last couple of months and if I am being completely honest I am still not a hundred percent now.

I first started to notice the issue a couple of months ago. I noticed that my orgasms where, shall we say, shit.

Now I love orgasms. I love everything about them. I love the build up, I love bringing myself to the brink and then letting it die down before building up again until eventually I let myself cum in a big massive explosion of ecstasy.

There are no problems that aren't made a little bit better by a fucking good orgasm
I have it down to a fine art and whilst I do enjoy male company I am more than happy to deliver myself to heaven because I am fucking good at rocking my own world. Lets be honest girls its a rarity to find a man who can do it the way we can do it ourselves. If you find one that can then for fucks sake marry him because he has knowledge of and appreciation for the CLIT

Most recently however I have found that my orgasms have been eluding me. This is due to a  sad depressing fact. Yet another example of how women still do not enjoy total equality in this world. And that is that while men have a point of no return....a point that once reached it wouldnt matter if they caught sight of their own mother having a shit, they would still jizz...women, well we just don't. We are built differently, and even if we are nano seconds from closing the deal our stupid fucking CUNTS (pun intended) of bodies can still switch it off last minute causing our orgasms to wilt and die away leaving a very unsatisfied and quite frankly pissed off @singlegalatbo

Honest to god so I would be in bed all excited having one of my favourite bedtime fantasys thinking alright here we go...when all of a sudden something would be holding me back and I would feel like I had missed the boat and then I would kind of orgasm and have about like 2 fanny gallops and then that would be it. And I would be thinking did I cum? Was that it? Did I just fake an orgasm to myself?
This just simply is not acceptable. I am single. I have only myself to rely on and as god is my witness I will CUM AGAIN
I decided this must be psychological and I need to get to the bottom of it. There was something just not letting me completely let go and I just can't work out what it is. I have been doing loads of pelvic floor exercises and taking a lot of frustration out at the gym and I am pleased to report that my orgasms the last week or so have been pretty much close to their usual off the rictor scale level but it feels like I am concentrating too much on it....what would happen if I took my eye off the ball? Back to pathetic waste of time orgasms? I am the female equivalent of a floppy cock.
I think I am probably going to dedicate tonight to the cause and have a few practise sessions. I don't even have any sex toys at the moment as they got damaged in the flood and I am yet to replace them. There again though I find vibrators are the devils work because yes they are a guarunteed orgasm but they make it harder to come without them. Well they do if you sit there all night having about 5 goes a night like I do, I just don't know when to stop me.
Anyway, thats all for now. I will of course keep you updated as to my progress. Still not aqcuired a new boy yet but I do have a my eye on something.... hehe
@singlegalabto xxxx

Tuesday, 2 April 2013


Haven't blogged for ages so I thought I'd knock up a cheeky one

Still a large willy shaped hole in my life and we have now passed the 3 month mark since I last bumped uglies. This dismays me a great deal and I am starting to feel like I might jump on a train and go and sit on Andys cock for half an hour just to get laid...obviously I'm joking but you see the situation.

I have been busying myself with other things and I must say I have quite enjoyed the lack of head wrecking that comes with a man and have been having muchos fun with my chums.

Easter weekend was a particularly good one. Good Friday was spent having luncheon with my nearest and dearest and then Friday night was a big night out with my 3 favourite sisters, Queenie, Seal and Sanjay. It was Sanjays birthday and we had got ourself a booth in moniques. We love a booth we do, a shit load of ale for about half the money you would otherwise spend on a night out plus indoor fucking fireworks, what more could a girl want.

I love these sisters, iv known them years and I have a separate friendship with each of them that is so nice. Seal is so called because she loves a tan and we call her factor fuck all on holidays because she refuses point blank to put any cream on and she always goes really brown. She hasn't got a single wrinkle either it's sly.

So we all got fucked up and seal somehow ended up draggin over @thatscouselad who asked me if I was getting messy. When I told him I was taking it easy because I had work in the morning he just looked at me with sheer disgust and walked away, thus destroying any chance i ever had with him. Gutted.

Seen quite a few twitter people in moniques and had a proper ball but like I say I had to rein it in by 3 bells because I had to drag my arse to work in the morning. Sly.

Next day whilst sisters trio where nursing their hangovers I managed to not only get to work but also to take my mate and out kids to the circus! Kids had a ball. We very nearly didnt make it as my mate had gone out too on Friday and gone missing in action but one search party later and we had recovered her. We went to lark lane for a munch first where we saw a fit wrongun. He was sat with a group of other wronguns and was wearing a full Adidas 3 stripe in a bright red shade. It should have been so wrong, yet it was so right. So if anyone was gettin on the Lemo on lark lane on Saturday and was wearing a Santa trackie then just lettin u know I think ur fit.

Got home from the circus exhausted but still managed to do the baby an Easter egg hunt. Sunday was spent eating shit and watching films as I celebrated the good lord rising again.

Made the fuck up too because of this I saw in the paper

My favourite artists work is being shown in out city this summer, I can't wait. Iv already bought my ticket. My favourite painting by him is called paris through the window and is the one i dragged my poor mother across New York to the Guggenheim to buy the print because you can't buy it anywhere else. I don't want to get my hopes up that the original will be in this exhibit but if it is I'm telling you now I'l have a wide on the size of the Mersey tunnel. Just sayin.

Not much to report in the way of boys got a couple who I like at the minute but both are a bit of a challenge, have decided to just see what comes my way. And get on me putting pictures in my blog, decided a few illustrations might be the way forward x

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Friday, 22 March 2013


What a fucking week.
On Wednesday morning I was getting up early to go to the gym when I realised All my gym stuff was either dirty or in the wash and still wet. I stuck the heating on and pulled out some clobber and stuck it on the radiator to dry and then went about my business.
After a very long day comprising of spinning being taught by a boxer who made us do punches and jabs to "eye of the tiger" during a gradual hill climb in spin (why? As if spin isn't brutal enough) and then a swim and then a 9-8 shift in work I was so happy to return home. Nice bit of dinner and an early night I was thinking. Get my beauty sleep.
I noticed I had left the heating on so the house was really warm. I walked into my room and so tired was I from the day it took me a good few steps to notice there was somewhat of a squelching sensation coming from beneath my converse.
Here is the thoughts that unfolded in my head word for word
"Have I spilled a drink?"
"Must have been a big drink to get all the way from the bedside table to the door"
"Was it a bottle of something?"
"Hang on I didn't take a drink to bed last night"
"And there is water all down the side of my.....and under... OH. MY. GOD"
My entire bedroom floor was under at least an inch of water, in some places it was 2. At first I thought a pipe had burst but when I turned around I saw that my radiator was urinating a steady stream of water all over my laminate floor.
Totally forgetting that I am in fact a responsible adult, I sort of just stood in the flood and wondered what to do. I went and sat on my bed and text all my mates to tell them about the unfolding incident. I considered ringing my dad but I didn't think he would appreciate a phonecall from me at this hour....what with him being in China and it being silly o'clock in the morning there. In fact I could hear exactly what he would have said to me if I had called him. It would have gone something along the lines of "what the fuck do you expect me to do about it I'm on the other side of the world. You know what you need to do, ring the home emergency insurance and while your at it grow the fuck up"
Anyone else feel like a 10year old when some sort of disaster occurs if you have never had to deal with it before? I was well and truly in damsel in distress mode. I waited for a knight in shining armour to rock up and sort the shit out for me but sadly i realised that I would have to go it alone. Fuck this. I'm a fucking adult here. I can handle this situation. Rang the home insurance...shut. So then I rang the home emergency cover people that I get with my bank account and they said they would send someone out within the hour. At first they were a little bit patronising when I mentioned leaky radiator but after I had described the Noah's arc landscape that was my bedroom they agreed to help me out. Triumphant I decided I would attempt to do some more problem solving and began to stick some tape over the hole to stop the water coming out. Failed miserably on this front and had to settle for a bowl under the radiator until assistance arrived.
As of now the leak has stopped and the insurance company have been out and took the floor up and installed a big drying fan device in my bedroom to dry the room out. Then I shall have to set about getting a new bedroom and living room and then replacing all the stuff that got wrecked. All in all this is not the dream. In fact I would go as far as to say I'm pissed off with it.
I spent the whole of yesterday basically just gutting my bedroom. I had to dismantle my bed to get underneath it to mop the water up. For some reason I decided to Hoover and mop the floor which now seems like a rather ridiculous waste of time noting my flooring is now on the skip.
Chris laid that floor. He also decorated the room and constructed the bed. He was a class a cunt but as well as being a phenomenal fuck he was also very good at doing man things round the house. That reminds me I must text his best mate back and see when this dates happening
Other than flooding disasters there is not much to report. Be 3 months soon since I last got laid and I actually can't remember the last time I sorted myself out either.....? Most unlike me that, I'm normally at least 3 times a day. Must up my game, I don't want to become sexless!!!!
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Monday, 18 March 2013

What a wanker

I had an abusive call yesterday. As you may or may not know I work in a call centre and yesterday I experienced my first ever properly abusive phonecall. A bloke rang up wanking down the phone to me.

Well I couldn't fuckin breathe. First of all he rang up wanting to know something about a payment. He kept taking ages to answer my questions so i just assumed he was a thicko. Then after he'd been quiet for a while I said "so is there anything else I can do do for you" and he was all breathless and then he said "I'm wanking"

Well what the fuck dya say to that?!! I put him on mute and shouted to everyone in the office that I had a wanker on the phone. "What's he said babe" they asked me.
"He's said he's wanking!!!!"

Said to my manager should I release the call and she said fuck that keep him on so we can trace him!!!

So I did. He told me he thought my accent was dead sexy, and that he was wanking and could I see all his personal information and would I give him a ring and then my manager finally got dialled into to the call just in time to hear him say "iv just cum. I wish it would have been inside you".

Well I was traumo'd. My virgin ears weren't made to listen to such filth!! What an absolute fucking weirdo though!!!! Who the fuck would want to ring our work when they were feeling horny it's the least horny place ever. Urgh vile hahaha he was 42 imagine pure sad Middle Aged freak getting his rocks off wankin himself off to unsuspecting young girls on phone!!!!! Had to have a kit Kat and a calm down after that !!! The fucking incident report was the best though it was something like
"Customer continually went silent on call. Consultant probed further customer stated he was masturbating. Consultant requested he refrain from masturbating. Customer continued to masturbate before informing consultant he had ejacualted. Customer indicated he wished he could have ejaculated inside consultant. Call terminated"

Fucking madness he'll get all his business cancelled now! Imagine a company ringing you up and saying "we are awfully sorry we are closing your accounts down I'm afraid you have been sexually abusing the ears of our staff" imaaaagine hahaha I may still report it to the police, I think work might report it anyway but honest to god I feel violated

"Your only fucking livid coz u normally charge 1.50 a minute for that" my sympathetic work colleagues said to me. Fuckers.

Still fuming about the party invitation swervage. Was mainly fuming because when my mate told him I was offended he said
" well she can go and join (insert name of boy no one likes who also wasn't invited here) can't she." Fucking cheek of it! That really pissed me off yano that's why I ended up saying something. Like I said yesterday he told me I wasn't invited coz the chick he likes was going. Iv got more of a chance with prince Harry than hes got with this chick. And today I was informed that he got that pissed at his party he wrecked his own house, smashed all the ale bottles that were full, caused the police to turn up and almost set himself on fire.....and he wonders why she thinks he's a tit. After hearing all that I actually kind of think he's a tit now too.

Fuming tonight because Iv just been driving home whilst comitting numerous traffic offences simultaneously with the tunes blaring when some tit out of work started flashin his lights behind me at the lights, well I thought I was gettin pulled over again didn't I. So I did, and then I realised it was him and I was like stuck in the middle of the road so I basically had to jump the red light and carry on! Fucking cunt, he's on my list an all!!

Nearing the 3 month mark since my last roll in the hay. Starting to climb the walls a bit now though. Refuse point blank to do a one night stand so I think more than likely I'm going to have to recycle a shag of winters past to get me through this dry spell. Got a couple of candidates in mind so we shall see how it goes but if iv not fallen deeply in love by the end of the month then someone is going to get very fucking lucky over Easter.

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Sunday, 17 March 2013

All steak no blow jobs

I'm a fucking fat mess and I need to stop eating.
That's my first rant of the day.
Also all men are fucking weird. All of them.
Sitting down last week minding my own business when I get a message off a wrongun called Aiden. Now I am immediately tarring him with the wrongun brush as I have heard of this guys exploits through his best friend wait for it.....Chris. Awwww remember Chris? Pregnant girl shagging, male escorting, thieving, cheating all round horror Chris? Awwww yeah well his best mate started messaging me and let's cut
to the chase here he's only gone and fucking asked me out on a date hasn't he.
Hey.. Bit of a long shot like.. You fancy going out, for a drink or something?! I know I'm Chris's 'mate' but things change x
So apparently Chris is now engaged to some bird and Aiden hasn't seen him for 15months or spoken to him for 5 so therefore it's perfectly sound to go on a date and what could possibly go wrong. I'm not keen on this not keen at all but iv sort of said il go for a drink with him not a date just a drink. I don't know why I said that to be honest. Oh god. So there's him anyway.
Andys had to sell his iPhone for food money so he has apparently discovered the one way of contacting me he had that I had forgotten about which is Skype.
"Was thinking about u the other day xx was a little inappropriate mind but i cant i help cos my sex drive is back big time ( im talking doncaster hotel back ) xx"
Got that little gem at 3am the other morning. Now I will hold my hands up here kids the night he is referring to was a fucking hot night. Raw animal filth. I believe some lube ended up on the ceiling that night it was that exciting. Anyway he then proceeds to video call me and show me how fit he's looking these days and to be fair he's lost lots of weight and got a six pack and all that. But I'm not being funny if I couldn't afford fucking food I'd probably be fit as fuck too. Standing there making out he's put all this effort in to being fit. No love, that's not a diet, that's being fucking poverty stricken and having loads of bastard time on your hands. Tit.
Somehow his sky's back on though coz he's got his Internet and he's even messaged me with his sky go logins so I can watch his sky on my phone again (overjoyed to be honest) but I will not be going there again as mainly just makes me feel shitty about myself on the reggers.
Just while we are on the subject of people making me feel shitty it appears to be catching. Whippersnapper left our work on Friday and I was sad to see him go....not that he could have given 2 fucks like and Il tell ya this for nowt he didn't invite me to his big leaving party extravaganza on Saturday night.....upset about this to be honest because like I feel proper swerved. He's fell in love with this lovely pretty girl from down the way and despite his best efforts he's got absolutely nowhere with her she is not interested whatsoever and I reckon he's probably thought his party's his last chance to get into her and its probably best he has as few birds he's shagged there as possible.... Not impressed, not impressed one bit. And I'm not settling for none of this oh everyone's invited bollocks in my opinion unless I have had some form of communication from host of said party then I have defo not been invited. Wouldn't have even gone do you know what I mean but it's the principal. So he wants to thank his lucky stars he's not in our work any more coz I think I might have chinned him haha!
It was all steaks and no blow jobs for me on Thursday.
Lad on my team said he thinks men would be weary of going out with me because they would be worried they couldn't satisfy me. Is this code for "your a whore"?. In actual fact though he's struck upon a very good point. I need a proper man that's gonna make me quiver. Does one even exist?
It has been 2 and a half months since my last intimate relations. It's a sorry state of affairs. I was riding high in December I had cock coming at me from all directions (not physically at me you understand I mean there was a bit of a selection)
Now iv got fuck all.
It's not about getting laid tho. Getting laid is easy. I want intimacy and a connection now. In fact I want jay Mitchell out of eastenders.

Since writing this I decided I was too fuming about the party swervage to let it drop and asked him outright. As suspected it was because he wanted to get into the other chick. How my being there would have affected this is anyone's fucking guess but there ya go! I'm not quite sure what's happened here I appear to have been put in some weird ex girlfriendy zone how the fucks that happened? I will never understand boys they make no sense whatsoever. Answers on a postcard please @singlegalabto xx
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Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Call the therapist

Had a bit of a row with my mother the other week.
It all started because I am having numerous problems with my sons father. I won't go into it on here but I happened to mention to my mum that regardless of what he is doing I am keen to maintain good relations for My sons sake. My mum said something along the lines of "well that's not fair on you he should do this this and this" and I said "yes but mum, I can't have my son grow up the way I did, parents at loggerheads and constantly at (an all be it silent) war. I never had an 18th birthday party, a 21st party, any sort of large family gathering because I felt so uncomfortable about having them in the same room and I am unlikely to ever really have a wedding because of it. I won't let my son suffer the same fate.
Well my mum went nuts. Basically said I was accusing her of ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand why my mum feels the way she does. My dad was an arsehole to her and its not surprising she holds a bitter grudge. But the sad cold fact is it really has left an awful legacy in my life. I have a separate relationship with my mother and my father and while it doesn't affect me 99percent of the time, it really does upset me at how....disjointed it is. In fact it probably doesn't affect me because I don't let myself dwell on it. If I let myself think about it too much it upsets me a great deal. It almost feels like I have this awful hurt that is compacted deep deep down and I can't even begin to start trying to dislodge it and clear it out because it is just too painful.
I am talking about this for 2 reasons. Firstly it is my sons birthday next month and I am absolutely trying my hardest to maintain relations with my ex for his sake but the fucking idiot won't play ball. "He's not old enough to understand he's only 6" - yes well I was only 7 and guess what I understood fucking perfectly. It really winds me up that he does not consider the future for our son and how he is going to be affected and how his relationships will be affected. But then I suppose unless you have experienced it yourself how could you understand. I resent my parents sometimes because of this. That sounds awful but sometimes I just think oh my god you fucking idiots like anyone even gives a fuck that you got your heart broken a million years ago just get over it.....but how can you say that.
The other reason I speak about this is because the more I read the book about being scared of comittment the more I realise that I think part of it may be down to something so simple as my fear of having a wedding. And the reason I fear having a wedding is because it makes me feel sick the thought of my parents face to face.
I don't for one minute think my parents have intentionally set out to have this effect on me. I think if they though that was the case they probably would have stopped it and got on for my sake. It's too easy to say kids are young it doesn't affect them. It does fucking affect them. It badly fucking affects them. It breaks my heart to think of my son going through what I have. Also, like I say it only gets to me occasionally, but when it does get to me my first thought is....fucking selfish bastards. Both of them, even the injured party. Bad isn't it.
Il keep reading the book. I hope it's something else and not this because I really don't fancy confronting this in fact I could well need therapy to even consider it. But it is looking more and more like I AM a big cliche and all my problems are down to my childhood.
Fucks sake
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Monday, 11 March 2013

Single gal hits the big Apple

Oh my sweet Jesus alive what a wonderful city that is.

I was so excited. Was bouncing round Manchester airport like a 5 year old. I don't know if its because I travel a lot, or if its just because I'm a weirdo, but for some reason I am only properly properly excited for a holiday, like a kid excited, if I'm going really far away. America is to me, like properly away. Not just pretend away like Spain. The advent of low cost airlines have taken the magic out of holidays for me a bit. It's like getting on a bus. Long haul flights though, it's just how I remember it as a child. Meals on planes! In flight entertainment! Free cushions! And you get to go through terminal 3 in Manchester airport. The proper far away terminal. I'm chatting utter shite now but I was very excited.
I soon discovered getting through check in and security at Manchester terminal 3 is a fucking ball ache. Not because it is extra secure, just because there was not enough staff to cope with the amount of people. In fact we ended up getting called queue jumped through security in the end because we were in danger of missing the flight.
This meant that there was no time to shop or more importantly drink in the airport and I found myself having to board the plane sober. This is a very big problem for me. This may come as a shock for you, as you know I like to fly off quite regularly but I am very very scared of flying.
It's only since I had my son. I used to love it. But now I am always scared I'm going to die.
This is how my plane terror goes from when we are on the runway.

"Oh my god is it straight? It doesn't seem straight it's going to crash into the airport"

"What the fuck was that noise"

"Oh god here we go"

"Why haven't we took off yet we've been going fast for ages we have defo normally took off by now oh god it's broken and we are going to speed off end of runway and burst into flames"

"Oh god the fronts up shiiiiiit the tails gonna hit the floor"

"Ok we are up but we don't seem to be getting very high oh god"

30seconds after take off when they drop the engines back

"Are we going down?? We are defo going down oh god"

"What the fuck IS that noise"

"They haven't released cabin crew for duty yet the pilot must defo be struggling to control plane"

Then as soon as the cabin crew get up...

"Woohoo what's for lunch"

Turbulence.... I was on a very turbulent flight home from Switzerland once to the point where people where opening praying out loud and even the cabin crew shit themselves and I am always right back on that plane as soon as any bumpiness occurs so I hate that too. To be fair aswell I think our pilot must have got his licence off the fucking Internet or something because he was turning every five minutes I'm sure he got lost.

After landing in Kennedy airport I was greeted by lots and lots of Americans. I fucking love Americans. They are so happy all the time. I did also catch sight of a few Brits trying to BE Americans....referring to lifts as elevators and such like....idiots. I was imagining henry hill at idlewild airport waiting to sort out the heist. In fact I spent a lot of my time in New York day dreaming about gangsters and seeing where they once walked. Within one hour of arriving I was at the top of the Empire State Building where it was blowing a gale and freezing but I did not care I had arrived. Spent the evening in Times Square eating dinner. That's the other thing about Americans. Their portion sizes are ridiculous, it's a wonder they aren't all keeling over having heart attacks. They must feel like they are on rations when they come over here.

My god American men are fit. Do you know I think I have realised I need a well dressed man in my life. You should have seen these blokes, outfits put together so well, accessorised perfectly. The well dressed men over here always seem to err on the side of camp but these Americans have got it sorted.

The next day it snowed. It snowed more than I have ever seen it snow outside of a ski resort. I went shopping. Mother of pearl those outlet villages are unbelievable and I found myself in a love triangle with two men fighting for my heart. One went by the name of Marc Jacobs, the other was Michael Kors. While I struggled with my emotions I picked up a pair of ugg boots for 75quid, 2 pair of converse for 25 each, Nine West shoes for 30 and sandals for 14 and I had a little splurge in Gucci.....well a girls got to have a bit of fun right?

In the end I abandoned Marc and Michael all together but I have had a couple of sleepless nights over a beautiful Michael Kors clutch bag which was fucking 80quid....bargain....damn it.

The next day was a bad day for snowmen because snow miraculously melted and the final few days where glorious sun. I did everything. I went on a Hudson River cruise to see the statue of liberty etc. you can't actually get onto Ellis island or liberty island right now because of the damage done by hurricane sandy last year so got as close as we could. Went all around the whole of manhattan island right up to Harlem. Dropped into the Guggenheim to pick up a print of my favourite painting, walked through Central Park to see the john Lennon imagine mosaic.

I felt like I was on the set of a film. The city is brilliant. It is impossible to get lost as all the streets are completely straight and numbered so as long as you can count you are absolutely fine. Felt very emotional visiting ground zero. It really hits you when you are there just how awful it must have been. After seeing it so many times on the tv and then being there you sort of start thinking to yourself where would I run, what building would I hide in. The buildings where very tall by the area itself is no size at all. Fucking horrible terrorist twats.

I think I have put on about 3 stone as I have eaten my way through mountains of food but what the hell if you can't stuff your face in New York then when can you.

Flying home was a shitter. Left there 7.30pm New York time and landed 7am uk time. Couldn't sleep on the plane and I am now in circadian cycle turmoil. Flying over Liverpool this morning the city looked so small. I was thinking there are some people who will never probably leave this small area their whole lives. I don't think a lot of my elderly relatives ever left the northwest. Madness.

I feel like I have ticked another item off my bucket list but I would definitely love to go back and this time visit the museums and art galleries, see a show on broadway, listen to jazz in Greenwich Village, eat in more places, watch a Knicks is so tiring seeing all the sites you just don't have time for all of that stuff. I'd like to live as a native New Yorker for a week and see what it's like. Just to experience it. I think it would be great.

I am obsessed with fit American men now obviously. Not many of them about in Liverpool sadly so it's not looking hopeful. Didn't even get time to read any more of my afraid of comittment book either. Probably searching for an American is another symptom of this I should probably give myself a slap and get back down to earth xxu

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Sunday, 3 March 2013

It's not you it's me...

After a hectic month of working all the overtime in the world and barely stepping over the door to have a night out let alone get laid I decided I would treat myself to a hair appointment. I had not had my locks coiffured since Christmas and my rather vibrant copper was resembling more of a washed out shade of shit.
With an afternoon off work booked as a treat I could relax and read a few mags while my dye went to work. Then it happened....I had an epiphany....the gods chose that moment to present to me the answer to why my entire love life has been crap from start to finish since the word the holy scriptures.....of closer magazine.....

Oh. My. God.
That's Me. That's fucking me.
I'm fucking bastard suffering from god damn subconscious commitment fear.
Lets have a quick browse through the last few years of my love life.
Chris - bastard, player, arsehole, completely unsuitable, jobless, from wrong side of the tracks, would never in a million years want to marry and settle down with such a lowlife.....went out with him for 18months.
Mark - lived in reading. Absolutely would never be arsed spending more than about 2 days with him. He would ask my about my weekends and I'd say welllll I went to garlands on Saturday dropped a Gary got off my cake and now I'm in bed eating dominos spooning my Bezzie what did you do...and he'd be like welllll I played golf.... Never in a million years would have worked had nothing in common and he basically looked down his nose at me and thought I was a bit of an idiot. Was meeting him for a good year or so.
Andy - lived in London. Finds maintaining relationships impossible with absolutely everyone including his mother, children, family and friends. Went out with him for a year.
Even if we look at the waifs and strays there have been in between there was a singer who lives in London, that lad from work last month is moving down south in a couple if weeks and even my beautiful sexy sex on the beach bobby who I obsess about regularly....he lives in fucking spain.
All of a sudden I began to realise. The fact I have only really gone out with/played with people who live hundreds of miles away is not just a mere consequence of living in the jet age.
It isn't that I just don't find Liverpool lads attractive as I have secretly told myself
I am subconciously choosing people that I have no chance whatsoever of actually having a proper relationship with.
Well fuck me.
The more I sat and thought about it the more it made sense. There has been a distinct absence of scouse cock in my little black book and the one that there has been had more issues than fucking vogue. You know why??? Because it is easier to sit and obsess about someone else's problems rather than sit and face your own.
So the problem page told me to read "he's scared she's scared". Thank god for iPhones and kindles. Within a minute I had downloaded that mother fucker onto my phone and began to read with eager hopefulness. Iv identified my issue and they say the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Pretty much figured this is bound to have some sort of deep rooted connection to some event in my childhood which I am yet to discover so was a bit excited to work it out and sort myself out.
Couldn't quite believe what happened next.
Iv only read a couple of chapters but it basically said what where your parents relationships like etc. Now my parents split up when I was 7 and iv always thought it didn't affect me or bother me but I was reading this and it said what where the relationships like you saw as a child, your grandparents, your aunties and uncles etc.....and for some strange reason I began to have big fat tears streaming down my face. My immediate family consists of my parents, my grandparents who pretty much couldn't stand each other, my auntie and uncle who split up and she then got with a nasty psycho.....oh my fucking god this is why!!!!! This is why!!!!! Iv grown up surrounded by shit relationships!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very shocked and upset and also intrigued by this discovery. But how could I have not known at the same time. I sat down for lunch with my very oldest friend on friday who is just back in liverpool after moving to israel and her first reaction was "and it's taken you 28 years to work that out?"
In everything I always have one foot out of the door. I haven't finished decorating my house because in my mind this house is temporary. I check the job vacancies every day because I like to know my options. More than that, I hate having anyone in my house longer than a couple of hours, it makes me uncomfortable, even my own mum. I am constantly travelling. I will think nothing of driving hundreds of miles in a day to see people, just so I can feel I can easily escape whenever I want. And I always choose relationships that I can easily get out of. And it's the fact I can easily escape all of these things that keeps me in my house, my job, addicted to these boys.
Crazy shit.
I need to sort this out though. I realised I have never imagined having a wedding, growing old with someone, settling down. As much as I think I want that, the thought terrifies me. And when I think of my friends who I know that are married etc, I wouldn't want their lives for all the tea in china. I'm scared it will be boring and mundane and I will be stifled. I had that once. And I ran for the hills.
I am hoping this book will point me in the right direction and I will be forever endebted to closer magazine and Tracey cox for shining a light on my problem. I am steering clear of all boys until I have cleared out my fucked up mind because evidently I am too bananas to be safe around men at the moment. Poor fucking me.
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Friday, 22 February 2013

Oscar Pistorius brain teaser

Oscar pistorius

Mother of pearl what's gone on here then?!!!! I was discussing this with friends over dinner last week and we are completely baffled.

At first glance it looks clear cut. He's shot his girlfriend and then made up a pack of lies about how he thought she was a burglar.

The more you think about it though the more that just does not make sense. 

He has not only been accused of murder, but pre-meditated murder. Because reeva steenkamp was found to have had an empty bladder at the time of her death proving she had recently used the toilet therefore suggesting beyond most doubt she was in the bathroom for reasons of having a slash as opposed to hiding during a fight. With that in mind, I can't help but think if I was going to plan a murder, this would be the bottom of my list of plans, not least because obviously that makes me a prime fucking suspect.

Oscar pistorius is as able bodied as anyone with legs, probably more able. He carried her body downstairs after battering the door down. He could easily have killed her in some other less conspicuous way had he wanted to plan her murder. Why do it like this? Immediately throwing yourself open to arrest and trial by media, especially with such a reputation at stake. It just doesn't make sense. 

The fact is he shot her, everyone knows that. The question is did he mean to.

Even if they were having a fight and he killed her, why didn't he just leg it straight after (dubious choice of words there sorry) why go through all this battering down the door and carrying her downstairs schnizzle? I don't believe this was pre-meditated murder it just seems the daftest way to do it. If anything I am torn between shooting her in a fit of rage during an argument or believing his story. But if he shot her in a fit of rage why has he concocted such a shit story? Surely it would be better to say that an intruder came in and shot her. Or to just run away. No one in their right mind would say they did it themselves and it was an accident. Unless you had pre-planned it, which I don't believe he did because no one in their right mind would pre-plan such a ridiculous murder that puts themselves right in the frame.

Then again if you are asleep in bed at night and you hear a bump in the night, the first thing you do is check to see if the person in bed with you is still there before going to get your pistol? Why would you automatically assume it was a bad guy in the bathroom? I guess if it was dark and she had moved the duvet when she got up it could have looked like a person was in the bed. And I suppose they do seen to have a lot of bad guys in South Africa so I hear... 

I'm completely bamboozled by the whole thing. Very interesting to see what happens in the trial. I don't think they would be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt he meant to do it.....I almost wish I could go and check out all the evidence myself I'm that interested. This is the sort of thing that keeps me awake at night. I think I need a more challenging life.

And another thing...

I completetly forgot to mention this but this has been annoying me for a few days now,

I made a critical schoolgirl error of telling the lad from work about this blog ages ago. I didn't tell him the page address or anything but I did copy and paste a bit out of it and sent it to him. Thought nothing of it. Thought he would read it and forget all about it.

This transpires to have been a rather naive assumption. He did not forget all about it. In fact what he did was he googled what I had sent him, located my blog and has been has been conducting what can only be described as STEALTH FUCKING BLOG SURVEILLANCE ever since.

This irritates me immensely, mostly because after coming clean about this (what I consider to be) gross act of stalking he labelled me


Now I freely admit this unfounded and rather hurtful insult did come after around a week and a half of my sending him angry whatsapps/ignoring him in work/my calling him a helmet however I have mulled it over and yes I think I would say I am offended.

Could have gone with over emotional, could have chosen doormat, could even have played the slut card....but no...."weird"

I don't even fucking know how to spell "weird" it "wierd"? Whatever

My strong dislike towards him (due to him getting drunk and announcing that he had been knocking a slice off me and then being genuinely oblivious as to why that would piss me off) has subsided this week, I believe I may now be calmer. The thing is, he has no hope of understanding the complexity of women....let alone the complexity of me because, added to the obvious disadvantage of being male, he also has a birthday so close to the 90's it rather makes my eyes water.


The more I think about my view of the world as a young whippersnapper myself, the more I can see his perspective. Not only does this prove that he should probably stick to fucking girls his own age, this beautifully demonstrates that I need to face facts, I am 28 years of age, I do not think like a whippersnapper, and more importantly, whippersnappers do not think like me. Although surely it is obvious that telling people in work about our little overtime sessions where going to be at least frowned upon especially when it was distinctly specified that this was to be kept on the, and I quote "very very very downlow".

The blog has frightened the poor little whippersnapper. I am sure of it.

You see heres the thing. As you are all aware I outed dear Andy on here, I documented his downfall and mocked him all over the show. What I probably didn't mention was that when I wrote the revenge is sweet blog, I text him the link along with a screenshot of the zillions of page views it had had and bascially said haha fuck you. I was therefore conscious that he would have been reading this and have probably written quite a lot of the subsequent ones with that in mind.

Cue a nosey young lad armed with google to come stumbling across my ramblings, conclude he has shagged a crazy bird who wants to marry him (I think this is whats happened, to be honest iv forgotten what I have written and i cant be bothered/face looking) and caused him to do the early 20's standard reaction of withdraw from the situation by behaving like a complete arse!! And who can blame him. This is the crux of the matter. This is why I am so fucking pained to see him. Because I think that HE thinks that I was more into it than what I was, and that fucking pisses me off so fucking much it is unfucking true!!!

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

What am I thinking?!!!!!

Has anyone got any idea what goes on in my head? Because I am fucked if I know.

I am feeling very down in the dumps this week but I can't quite put my finger on why that is. I hate that. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am basically a nutter.

Just spent an hour on the phone to Andy talking him through his financial situation and getting him ready for his new job and stuff and also a bit of chit chat. As I hung up I thought to myself....I actually can not bare that fucking prick. Why am I talking to him? I don't even think I still feel the need to save him anymore. I don't want him anywhere near my life. I think now I know he is no longer suicidal I am making the decision not to take his calls any more.

I have just realised why I am feeling down in the dumps. It is because I have just spent an hour on the phone to a man I can't stand.

This might sound like I am fucking retarded but it has literally just taken me typing out that paragraph to realise. Andy in my life = Depressed Me. I don't even feel anything for him anymore, he was chatting on about how he has been banging some bird who's shit at blow jobs and I was just thinking to myself I don't fucking care. I'm not jealous, I'm not angry, I'm not anything. I just don't fucking care. Why do I want to sit and listen to the shit sex life of some tit who I used to be with who quite clearly didn't want me. Oh my god no wonder I am depressed that is the most depressing way to spend an hour I can possibly think of. Why am I such a fucking tit?!!!

I have got my phone in my hand right now and I am deleting his phone number.....thats it....its gone....deleted....he brings absolutely nothing to my life apart from stress and also every now and again makes me feel shit about myself. And there is only one person to blame and that is the absolute moron who is writing this blog.

There is something within me that makes me think I can "save" people. I am all giving it beans with the giving advice and the confidence boosting and the positive energy fucking shit when I am supporting other people. But this, my dear readers....this is why the vast majority of my boyfriends have been wankers. Its like I am some sort of one woman priory. I meet a lad, he seems fucked up and disturbed and I think ooooooh eccentric, interesting, this looks fun...then I decide I will try and save them and help them and we will live happily ever after and he will be forever endebted to me for being his salvation and one glimmer of hope his otherwise dark and fucked up life.

What actually happens is I try to save them, they then royally take the piss out of me, fuck escorts behind my back, use me, make me feel like a lesser mortal and then ultimately dump me citing "its all your fault" reasons before returning months later threatening to kill themselves.


So no now, enough, why the bastarding hell am I answering the calls of a gobshite. I wanted his life to be a shitter back in October when I unleashed my reign of terror and I would say I have pretty much achieved that. His life is now shit. Don't want to ruin all my good work now by helping him out of it. He's not suicidal so I no longer have his demise on my conscience. The soft bastard can continue his shit shags in the wreckage of his life without giving me a blow by blow account of it. TA FUCKING RA

Sat in work all day clutching my poor battered jaw after another dental nightmare. Sure that dentist just fucks my teeth up so I have to go back and see him. Anyway had to sit next to people and "coach" them or something....which led to a rather funfilled hour getting interrogated by sum dude about what happened with the young guy from work I was saying about. Didn't even have the fucking energy to enquire how he got this information as I was quite surprised he had heard about it...clearly its got out further than I thought. I am bored by this now so I did what the Americans do and took the 5th. No fucking comment.

I feel so restless. Do you think it is because I am sexually frustrated? I don't. I am not even bothered. I am getting to a stage where I would quite like a boyfriend. A proper one though thats dead fit and is also a GROWN UP thats very important I think I need to be looked after for a bit. In fact what I need is the exact opposite of Andy.

What I want                                                            

  •  25 at the BARE MINIUM preferably 28-35          
  •  Employed in a proper full time job requiring intelligence and poise                                             
  • Own place, car and money in the bank                  
  • Level Headed, mature                                              
  • Loving, funny, secure                                             
  • Fit                                                                            

What Andy Was
  • 25years old going on 14
  •  Father Christmas puts in more hours than  Andy
  • Squatter, pedestrian, debatable income
  • Bananas
  • Nasty, funny, unhinged
  • Roller Skater

I think it is clear to see where I have been going wrong.

Saturday, 16 February 2013

SEX part 2... The x rated part is now down xx

SEX part 2

As promised the explicit details of what happened next were only posted for one evening only. If you really really want to hear what happened next then tweet me and il see what I can do....

I had never felt that way before. Did I mistake it for love? Perhaps. But there is no doubt about it that it was solely the sex that kept me in that relationship. I was like a junkie always craving my next fix. It didnt matter what happened, I just wanted that feeling back again. 

He wasn't necessarily the best sex Iv ever had, but he certainly put me on the path I am on now. I love sex. And I think it's down to him. He showed me so many things my body can do that I don't think I ever would have discovered if it weren't for him. And now I just want to do it all the time. I need the intimacy though. Because all that stuff is marvellous, but it's a million percent better when your doing it with someone that gives a fuck xxx

SEX part 1...


In the light of the recent sexual drought I have found myself in the midsts of, I have found myself thinking about it more and more.

I love sex

I mean I really love it.

I have come to realise over the years that it is a rather specific sort of fuck I am looking for. And my most memorable mind blowing shags I have enjoyed have all, with the exception of 2, been with boyfriends.

I may come across as a rampant sex pest to most of my friends but contrary to popular belief I do not possess the same "any holes a goal" attitude as my learned male counterparts. In fact in the one night stand department I have actually only had 2....ish

What makes someone good in bed? Yes, certainly a person needs to have the moves, the hand skills, the expert oral ability.....but that is only half the story. You could be in bed with an Olympic gold medalist in fucking, but if the chemistry is not right then the sex isn't right. End of story.

I want to be seduced

Iv come to realise that the best sexual relationships come after a slow tantalising build up of flirting, knowing innuendo, innocent touches, eye contact. If I am on a first date with someone I will be attentively listening to the interesting things they have to say, while secretly searching for the spark. That raw, animal connection that will ultimately decide if anything more will happen between us. For me, I freely admit I need a man that is going to dominate me. I am an strong minded independent woman in life, but in the bedroom I just love to lose control....

This poses somewhat of a dilemma for me. For the men I have found to be excellent at this, are the very same men who are absolute cunts.

I have mentioned in previous blogs about my ex boyfriend Chris. He was an emotionally abusive manipulative lying prick. But my god he was amazing in bed. I stayed with him a year and a half in spite of everything he did to me simply because from the very first time he fucked me I was hopelessly addicted to the sex. 

When I first met him he was a model person. Great body, smooth talker, said all the right things. We had a couple of dates, he did everything right. I'm not going to go into all the things he later did wrong in this blog, this is simply about the sex.
After our second date he kissed me goodnight. His kiss was something else. I can remember him having these amazing soft lips that would just brush mine, with his tongue delicately flicking inside of my mouth. His kiss was so soft at first it automatically made me want to kiss him firmer, drawing me into him, his hands held my waist. Then he pulled away from me and kissed me on the nose and told me he would see me the next night.
That kiss had me in ecstasy already. I had a knot of excitement and wanting and frustration in my stomach. So when he text me later that night and said 

I want you, I want to have the sort of sex that blows our minds. The struggling to strip coz we don't want to let go...sort of sex 

And oh my god I wanted that too....

Valentines week xx

47 days and 15 hours and 20 minutes since I last saw a willy.

I am climbing the walls

This week was valentines day, the day where all the loved up couples get to spend wrong amounts of money on lots of things that are red. For the rest of us, we have 2 options. We can either choose to remind ourselves of the fact we are not in a relationship and mourn the loss of gifts and love for our significant other. Or, as I like to do, we can embrace the fact we are single therefore attracting numerous cards and gifts from a wide source of admirers.

I know which one I'd prefer. Single 1 Relationship 0

Last year was my most successful valentines to date culminating in the delivery of a links of London heart shaped charm to my doorstep from an admirer that still to this day remains anonymous. Who are you, you mysterious jewellery purchasing Romeo? Jewellery purchase has instantly put you high up the pecking order so don't be shy now.

This year was more quantity than quality in terms of monetary value. I got 3 cards. 2 messing about ones, one from the old flame. I got 2 valentines texts from a couple of dudes I have a flirt with now and again. And my absolute favourite valentines day surprise came from the absolutely beautiful love of my life sexy sex on the beach bobby. I sent him a text you see asking if he would be my valentine and I was expecting a text back but he actually sent me a voice note over whatsap! "Hi babe, happy valentines, I hope your having a good night there, what I wouldn't give to be there in bed with you having a little kiss and a cuddle and a little bit of lovin but I'm all the way here stuck in fucking Spain where there's no fucker about apart from 150prostitutes which don't interest me in the fucking slightest! I really wish I was with you. All the best babe"

Well I basically just came in my pants listening to that didnt I. God his sexy Brighton accent is enough to do it for me let alone anything else. Why the fucks he have to live in Marbella??? I'm seriously considering hopping on an easy jet in the next month or 2 and having a cheeky weekend with him before the season starts. That story is not fucking over. He's soooooooo fit! And an actual nice lad aswell not a prick. It's been 18months since our holiday romance and it still feels like we are so close, we speak all the time. We both know we've been seeing other people. He told me he'd just swerved a bird off because she was a "chicken dipper" (stripper) and it just wasn't going to work. Iv obviously kept him up to speed with my life too. Maybe in another life it could have worked out different but if nothing else he's absolutely gorgeous who gave me amaaaaazing sex and is a firm friend. Ppffffft.

So I went to sleep a happy camper. When I awoke the next morning I had another valentines message.

"Happy Valentines day xxx"

It was from Andy.

So I was polite and said happy val day back and you will not fucking believe what happened next.

Got another text saying listen I need to speak to you it's important can I call you after work? So I text back and said I was off that day what's up.

He rang

He only wanted me to guarantee a loan for him using my house as collateral!!!!!!!!!

No love. I don't think so do you flower?!

Is he fucking messin?!!!!

I might be a soft touch, I might forgive easily, I might let people walk all over me at times and I might repeatedly put myself at risk of heartache believing boys bullshit but there is absolutely not a
 cats chance in hell I am putting my house on the line for fucking anyone, let alone an unreliable lying nutcase!!!!!

I'm completely offended he'd think I was that stupid to be honest.

So I said no and I got a whole load of emotional shit about how I was the only person that could help him and I'm leaving him in his hour of need so I just said listen pal you have had far more fucking support from me than you deserve as it is, now il talk to you and il give you advice and il even fucking offer you a place to stay for a bit until you have saved up enough for a place but there is not a fucking scooby I am risking my house for you now do one.

Iv told his mum off him. This is not my problem. And I can actually see clear as day that this dude is totally a user who will literally tell anyone anything to get himself out of the shit. Guarantee a loan!!!!! As if!!!!!

In other news Ihave   toothache again on the other side this time. I'm fearing the worst with the memory of 350quid toothgate still painfully fresh in my mind. I am imagining swelling and jaw ache. It is unfair. It is my opinion that nobody should be afraid of their own face. So I have made an appointment to see my dentist, the earliest I could get one is Tuesday so I have 3 days to wait. This will be a trauma in itself as this will be the first time I have seen my dentist since I didn't return his call when he asked me out for coffee. What the fuck I mean seriously this sort of shit  can only happen to me how can your bastard dentist crack on to you? So I am rather concerned he may deliberately fuck my teeth up now.

Right that's about it.

I'm in medical need of a mercy fuck
I love valentines day
Sexy sex on the beach bobby is fiiiiiiine
Andy's reached new levels of mad
Teeth are cunts


Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Life has gone a bit west

Haven't blogged for a couple of weeks because iv not really known what to say.

The other Sunday morning I was in bed asleep minding my own business when I was rudely awoken by my phone ringing. A young whippersnapper who shall remain nameless due to the fact I work with him and have been having the odd shag with now and again decided to ring me up at 5am declaring how much he fancied a fuck.. I entertained him for about half an hour before putting the phone down. He sent me a couple of texts which I then ignored.
I shut my eyes and went back to sleep. About 15minutes later my phone buzzed with another text. Was ready to give the whippersnapper a piece of my mind when I noticed the text was actually a picture....of a slashed wrist....with the words "I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you, I hope this will make everything better".....from Andy

Well fuck me sideways

To be fair now Iv seen worse paper cuts but the thing is I know only to well what it is like to have someone you know commit suicide and in spite of the fact he is an absolute cunt I felt I couldn't ignore it.

So i said

Wtf a paper cut? What are you doing
He came back and said he wanted to apologise to me and every other person that had had the misfortune to meet the broken individual that is him. He then proceeded to ring me up and hysterically sob about how he had lost everything and everyone and he was so sorry and wanted to die.

You would think I would be really happy about this but the truth is and I know this makes me an absolute weapon, I felt sorry for him.

Don't get me wrong I don't think I would ever go there again. But the fact is the boys got mental problems and I can't just leave him. Why the fuck he's ringing me after everything I do not know.
 So daft old me spent the next few days counselling the muppet back to sanity. He's basically lost everything flats going, kid he was bangings fucked off, money's gone, everything's gone really. He deserves it. However I am wondering if maybe that's the wake up call he needed to sort himself out. I don't know what he will do. But i don't hate him anymore.

Whippersnapper not one bit in my good books as the bloody comedian decided to get bladdered one night and spill our little secret to his mates which are also people we work with. So you can bloody imagine what works been like this week. Why?! Whhhyyyyyyyy. I wouldn't mind so much but (and this is going to sound hillarious seeing as i write my life in a blog) but some things just don't need to be said. Just can't be arsed with the gossip. So now I have taken to avoiding him like the plague which I don't really know why I feel the need to do this but I would just like the whole thing to go away and that somehow seems to be the way to go about it. I know that makes no sense. It's doing my head in though because I can see the gossip trickling out bit by bit I'd much rather people came and said it straight to my face instead of clacking behind my back but that's what people are like aren't they. Actually saying that quite a few HAVE given me the Spanish Inquisition to my face and that wasn't much fun either.. Such a shame aswell coz he's actually a nice kid  but its safe to say the gravy trains ended on that one now. To be honest I don't think iv actual spoken any actual face to face words to him since like before Xmas! I get the feeling he don't wanna talk to me tho.....or maybe that's coz I am massively on the swerve. Oh I don't fucking know I just know a nice arrangements got all fucking awkward and it's pissed me right off!

Got a 3sum planned soon which Im most looking forward to but other than that I am nil balance dudes. Maybe Andy has been distracting me from boys. I will admit dear children he has wrecked my head a little bit. I won't get back with him don't worry. But in wondering if maybe he will always be in my life. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing.