Wednesday, 29 May 2013


Right well you are all going to go absolutely bat shit crazy at me here. I have done something so mental that even I myself can't believe I have done it, and what is more, I have no current intentions of stopping.

As you all know I spent the whole of last year battling with, getting over, and ultimately ruining the life of a certain boy who shall remain nameless. I spent months recuperating. I spent quality time moving on. I shagged people I shouldn't. So now, 7 whole months after I last saw him, when I could finally go about my business and say I was over him, I decided to congratulate myself by SPENDING THE LAST 3 DAYS FUCKING HIS BRAINS OUT.

Alas dear brothers and sisters, I have committed yet another ridiculous cliche and shagged my ex.


How? I hear you cry.

And more to the point the question word for word from my best friend

"What possibly possessed you?!"

It is a question I can not answer. I can't even pinpoint exactly where this started again. We had been chatting on facebook. We had been having deep and meaningful conversations. You will remember the other week I went and had a rendezvous with an opportunistic shagger simply because he who remains nameless had told me he had banged a bird. After this incident I said to him he needed to not tell me he loved me anymore and stop messing with my head. Instead what he did was he said he wouldn't shag about and booked tickets to come and see me. Yes that's right, HE came HERE. And I welcomed him with open arms and legs.

Idiot! Fool! Masochist! Dickhead! Just some of the nouns I would imagine are hurtling through your minds right now.....I have no words.

I was nervous, I was scared. I didn't know what to expect. We ended up having a lovely few days. A laugh. And lots and lots of ridiculously hot, passionate, filthy and at some points I'm quite certain must be illegal in some parts of the world, sex.

This is the thing.

It is a great unsolved riddle that we seem to have this inexplicable closeness and deep connection that I have never had before and I think I might be scared I won't ever get again!!! We have had a wonderful few days. I am very sad he's gone.

Of course there are large warning sirens ringing out heavily. Such as we have blatantly said we aren't getting back together. He has also been having sleep overs at this bird he was shagging the other week. He told me this. I don't know why he told me this. He didnt have to. He reckons he's been staying there because its close to work. This bird incidentally....obviously I have stalked the living shit out of facebook to come up with a name and a face (and also incidentally an address, postcode and a google maps image of her fucking front door....seriously, i should fight crime) when I discovered the identity of this bird I was shocked to find she looks like she was born in a fucking fire.

Which begs the question. Why doesn't he just stop fucking about with lesser mortals and just embrace the absolute wonderfulness that is me??!!!!!!!!!!

He reckons I am his best friend. And that I am everything he wants (exact words but he was pissed when he said them) but he reckons he can't stay faithful to me.


Clearly This last statement tells me all I need to know. I have re-read "he's just not that into you" to be sure but as suspected if someone blatantly says to you they will more than likely shag people behind your back it is fairly safe to assume that you are not the one they want to marry and settle down with and have a happy ever after relationship. I like to daydream and imagine us as the great lovers that make it work against the odds. Romeo and Juliet.... Anthony and cleopatra.....Gavin and Stacey....

Mind you saying that Romeo, Juliet, Anthony and cleopatra all ended up topping themselves and Gavin and Stacey ended up moving to Wales. What do I want? Does what I want even exist?

He reckons he is coming back up to visit in a few weeks. I am scared to bring up the "what is going on" conversation not least because I did attempt to express how I felt on Monday night having consumed numerous shots of tequila and it ended up with me on hysterical tears sobbing. Probably best not to bring it up again I'd say. So what do I do? Shall I carry on quietly and see what happens? Shall I assume he is fucking me about if I don't get any solid reassurance and then begin fucking about myself. There is a young man from our work hell bent on shagging me and we all know how well shagging young boys from the office works out for me.....

I spent today in a bubble of gloom. A horrific knot of anxiety in my stomach. Il level with you. I can not bare the thought of him with anyone else. Especially not someone that looks like the business end of shit. But he has told me he can't be faithful to me. So I must assume he is hopping straight from my bed to someone else's. Is this what I must do to?

The words are still ringing in my ears and every time I think about it I want to run away, delete facebook and throw away my phone. I don't really understand why he is planning another visit to Liverpool if he doesn't want me. I can't be THAT good of a shag. I think iv been friend zoned. If I'm friend zoned I need to ensure that this whole situation is nipped in the bud. He can't be coming round again, he can't be telling me all these I love you's.....

Had the perfect opportunity to go out with the new whippersnapper last night but I just couldn't face it. He has been texting me constantly asking if I'm ok. Can't exactly say no to be honest I'm not iv fallen back in love with my ex. Today is a hide from the world day.

When I got home from work I discovered he had left 2 of his tops here. Oh Christ there is boy evidence in my abode. This just gets worse!!!!! yes.....I put them on......I did refrain from sleeping in them tho.

My best friend informs me big brother is starting again in a couple of weeks. Thank god. Big brother is a tried and tested method of getting over a boy. You literally put it on and sit and obsess over it 24 hours a day, u have a live feed on digital spy, you watch all the associated programmes, and by the time it finishes you have moved on from your ex. I can't believe I have to start getting over him all over again!!!!!!!!!

Right so the plan is to throw myself into work and big brother and avoid all boys until I am feeling stronger.

I am sorry everyone, I'm a tit. Because I have been so naughty I am going to put a pic of myself up seein as no1 knows what I look like so here is a pic slip of me wearing my ex boyfriends top. Judge me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes you seem so self assured and sometimes you blow my illusions about you completely away.
    This is indeed a strange situation and I think you should definitely distance yourself from this serial shagger. judging from the (albeit) small pic that you posted I don't think you'll have any difficulties finding a decent man.
    Good luck.