Monday, 28 January 2013

Single Gal Does Amsterdam

I have experienced Amsterdam, and I liked it.

I had been looking forward to this weekend no end since we planned it in October. My best mate Jenna had just dumped her fella and I was getting ready to fuck Andy off once and for all and so we were in need of something fabulous to look forward to. A shimmer of joy on a horizon of bleak cockless hostility.

It was Amsterdam eve. I was very concerned for our trip as I was seeing numerous statuses from people on a flight to Amsterdam that had been delayed and eventually cancelled due to the shit load of snow that began to fall out of nowhere. I busied myself making snowmen, by myself, in the street, aged 28, but eventually I thought no just go to bed and in the morning it will all be ok.

I awoke at 5am excited, I checked the Liverpool John Lennon airport flight info and all was looking dapper. Out of nowhere I got a text off the dude I was shagging in December telling me he would so love to fuck me. Distracted momentarily by the thought of cock I replied to him and told him he had had ample opportunity and he then proceeded to ring me up pissed out of all comprehension and jabber on for half an hour about how he wanted to come round. So I did what any self respecting 2013 virgin would do and booked him in for a spooning sesh when I arrived home Sunday night.

Jenna arrived as I hung up from the dude (his names Tom by the way did I add that in? no well he's Tom anyway) and we skidded and slided to the airport as the roads where very fucking bad at this time. We had only taken hand luggage and had checked in online so all we had to do was get through security and then commence our usual airport routine which is purchase large bottle of vodka from the duty free and then 3 bottles of diet coke each from the wh smith and then decant the vodka equally into the bottles to commence the getting pissed. Unfortunately my mate had left me in charge of refreshments and in all my excitement I had put a third of the bottle each into the first diet coke....we believe this is where we may have started to lose control.

Easyjet set your seats now, its no longer a free for all, so we were excited to see who would be sitting by us for our journey. Holy mother of fuck,,,,,,you are not going to believe this but as we boarded the plane (last of course, we do not stand in queues) there, before our very eyes where 2 hot men. We couldn't believe it. We said our hellos and began to whisper about how fit these blokes where. Pissed and excited we barely noticed that we were sat on the plane for an hour and half before we could take off due to the snow, we frolicked in our seats, I blindfolded my bestie and it wasn't long before fittie one and fittie 2 across the aisle wanted to be our friends. By the time we had got to Amsterdam we had established ourselves as companions and by a remarkable stroke of luck the fittie that Jenna fancied, fancied her back and me and the other one liked the look of each other too!!.I had not gone on this trip to meet boys but Jenna was really into her one so I was more than happy to play wingman and if it got exciting well I had my 32 condoms on my person, I could not have been happier!

Straight off the plane we ricocheted through schipol airport to locate a train. None of our foursome had been to Amsterdam before so it was a proper adventure. Amsterdam was in the midst's of a blizzard so the plan was to go with the fitties brief which was "find dam square, go down a back alley and enter into a coffee shop".

We stumbled across a magical place almost immediately which we later discovered was one of the most hardcore coffee shops you can possibly find yourself in. We made our way upstairs to a sort of bed/seat area and sparked our first joint. I swear to god within 2 pulls I was higher than I have ever been in my life, and believe me children, I am no stranger to a narcotic. The world was all of a sudden hilarious. Jenna and I were crying laughing at absolutely fuck all, our new boyfriends where losing the use of their legs and I believed us to be on a boat for a good ten minutes due to the rocking motion I was feeling. Jenna (who does not smoke usually) took a bit of a spacecake whilst simultaneously smoking and I said wooahhhhh look at you smoking and chowing at the same time! Hardcore! And she was that fucked she just said Hash Core Hard Cake
Meaning #hardcore but just not getting the words out.
We laughed our heads off for another good ten minutes believing a group of 4 old men sitting on the table next to us where one direction. Time must have stood still for us because when we finally meandered down the nightmare spiral staircase (I say stair case, I mean ladder. Amsterdam staircases are glorified ladders they are so steep) and ventured out into the open air, somehow it was still only 2pm.
We then decided to check into our respective hotels. We flagged down a taxi as we had no idea where we were and went off. A few minutes into our journey Jenna gasped in horror. "An extra one" she whispered and pointed to the passenger seat in the front of the car.
"Oh my god who is that???" we all said in alarm. Perhaps they have a chaperon here for the taxi drivers?? We were a bit scared that we had not got into a taxi at all we had just got into a random car before Jenna pointed to the drivers seat and gasped again in horror. I turned around. Our worst fears realised.....the driver was not there. "Oh my god this passenger guy must be a terrorist and has killed our driver and now we are being driven to our death" we wailed. It was a good 30seconds of panic before we finally understood that they drive on the other side of the road over there and the passenger was in fact our fucking driver in his driving seat on the other side of the car. THAT is how fucked we where.

Arrived at our hotel which resembled a door in a big brick wall. It looked like a crack den. We were worried but actually our room was quite nice. We then went with our new boyfriends (Spencer and Chris - for some reason me and Spencer where called team Spencer and Jenna and Chris where team Rylan....i don't know was funny at the time) to their hotel and we parted ways while they went for a kip and we went for food.

After eating a cheeseburger we then decided to go and get our heads down ourselves for it was at shocking levels of fucked upness by this point. Spencer had text me and asked if we wanted to meet  about 7 so we had a couple of hours to regain our composure.
But then
7 came and went....we had been swerved by our new boyfriends.
"I just want answers" Jenna said sadly. "Did the last few hours mean nothing to them?
We made our way to the grasshopper to lick our wounds and then stumbled quite accidentally across the red light district.
Broken hearts forgotten I heard a "This is fucking Brilliant" from an elated jenna who was ever so excited to see all the brasses on display about to sell their arses. It was just out of this world. I wanted to go to a sex show but they were so fucking expensive so we just had a few drinks and a laugh and then went home.
When we got in we switched the wi fi on and what is this we see? Friend requests from our new boyfriends and a text! The soft bastards had only given us one of their numbers and that one had left his phone in the room so the other poor fucker had been frantically searching facebook for our location. Overjoyed! We were not dumped and we were back together with our Amsterdam boyfriends!!! The day could not have been any better!
Jenna and I awoke the next day. We went down for breakfast and somehow where shocked at the fact it was toast and a few bits of cheese and ham and eggs. Why were were expecting a full English when the place was little more than a cupboard I have no idea but still, nothing made sense in Amsterdam. We checked out and then went out for a wander. We did have plans to go and see some culture but in the end we couldn't be bothered, we set up camp in a smoker friendly bar and got pissed and high with our boyfriends all day! When it came to be time for us to go home our new boyfriends escorted us to the station and kissed us goodbye and that was it we where on our way home!!!
No naughtiness, no sex, just literally a lovely time and a bloody good laugh. I loved every second of my time there!! Our new boyfriends live in Doncaster so not much chance of seeing them again although Jenna and Chris where really getting on well so who knows what will happen there.
Meanwhile while all this was going on, Tom kept texting me wanting to come round to mine when I got home and also the Monday night (ie tonight) So I text him when I had landed and said I was home and he had basically got pissed and then this morning I text him and said what time are you coming and he said he cant come tonight because he is really busy.

So he has just been told to fuck off.

I can't be dealing with fucking flakiness why say you are going to come round and then swerve it off its not fucking on! So I just text him and said listen I cant be arsed with you any more you are messing me around and AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT (I embellish, I said I cant be dealing with flakiness.) Me and thee - sexual relations -  no more! I said I am not falling out with you but I just cant be arsed with this so lets just be platonic friends ok? Winner

Fucking prick text back and said ok no probs. Don't get him at all why pester me all weekend and then swerve it. Ridiculous. Probably didn't like the thought of me living it up in Amsterdam maybe? Telling you kids its a good job I had an Amsterdam boyfriend or I might be fucking annoyed right now!!

So now on zero balance dudes again although I do have something up my sleeve for next month OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH xxx

Tuesday, 22 January 2013


I am opening myself up here to abuse from bellends however we all know I love a little bit of controversy so who gives a fuck hehe.

What is a slag?

I have always been different to other people. I never see myself as different but when you compare me to all of my friends etc i do tend to be seen as a little bit wild. I am fiery, gobby, quick tempered, i take risks, I enjoy going on adventures, I will take my life off on a tangent as and when I see fit, if I look back 3 years I am always in a completely different place to where I was 3 years before. Different job, different hair, different life, different people. I find people quite often don't get me, don't understand what I am about and because of this, and of course because i am single female who thoroughly enjoys being ruined I have come to accept I will occasionally be labeled a slag. But is that a fair label? And what exactly is the definition of a slag?

A slag to me is someone that will shag anyone to try and get them to like her and often finds herself used and depressed as her jizz guzzling antics do not find her love. She will fuck your boyfriend, even if she is your friend, if there are a couple of cocks available in one evening she will more than likely bounce on both. Loose morals, low income, that sort of thing.

Even in writing that I do not think that is the true definition. In fact I have concluded the term "slag" simply means " I wish to be rude about your sex life as I don't like you and unfortunately i have not been able to think of another legitimate insult to use in the short time I have had available"

It is therefore in my opinion safe to assume that if someone ever does use the term slag to insult someone, they are probably at the simple end of the spectrum.

I am trying to recall the last time I called someone a slag and I honestly can not remember. It is, in my humble opinion, a redundant insult in this day and age and I would feel a little bit silly using it.

I find it strange if people ever call me a slag because there are so many more insults that would more suitably fit the bill! I have come to realise that only thick people use the term slag. nevertheless we are surrounded by thick people all the time and it is impossible to avoid them. So what does one have to do to avoid being called a slag? Stop having sex? No fucking chance. I am single. The reason I am single is because I haven't come across anyone that is taking my fancy at the minute and the ones that I have liked have transpired to be turnips. Also I don't actually have that much sex! This is what always startles me if people call me a slag.... Don't you have to be getting fucking laid to have that title?!! I have not had sex since Christmas and currently have nothing on the horizon. Well, that's not strictly speaking true I do have a small glimmer of absolute filth winking at me but that's another tale. To wear the title of slag with honour I would expect to be getting laid at least a few times a week but that is just not the case! All be it that is probably my own fault I have been very busy with work and the gym lately to be looking fora replacement cock but still!
I guess the other thing I could do would be to not be so open but again this fucking pisses me off, we are not Victorian, we don't have to hide away who we are any more! I am who I am and I'm not ashamed !!!
I think that's about all I have to ramble on about there. Slag is a non descript insult and means fuck all so if you hear of someone calling you a slag in the future (for rest assured it is unlikely they will say it to your face - presumably because they know deep down they are retarded) assume they are special and aren't quick to think of anything substantial. And ignore them, don't reward stupidity with communication, thats what supernanny says anyway hahaha xxx

Monday, 21 January 2013

I hate teeth!!!

As it can not have escaped your attention I was experiencing somewhat of a dental crisis over the weekend. It all began last week when I was chewing a piece of chewing gum. I got rather ambitious in chewing it on the side of my mouth that I had had a crown fitted a couple of years earlier and I it started to hurt. I knew the crown had been out really close to the nerve and thought I must have disturbed it or something. The pain only lasted a couple of hours and then went.
On Friday the pain came back only this time it was really bad, it felt like a terrorist had dug a little cave into the side of my gum and was conducting nuclear missile trials inside my mouth. I am not exaggerating when I say I would rather go through childbirth again than experience the pain that I was going through that night. I went to the chemist and bought the strongest drugs I could find. Nothing was working. I called NHS direct to see where one could seek salvation in a situation such as this and discovered that there is no where in the entire city you can go with a dental emergency outside of office hours and even the so called "emergency" facilities we have only operate from 9-9. It was 9.30pm when I called, I would have to wait all night.
I was livid. How can a city such as ours expect people to have to wait 12 hours in agony. I appreciate there would have to be a private facility as the NHS wouldn't fund it but I didn't care I was prepared to pay and indeed i did end up paying heavily.
I was concerned because on Saturday morning I was due to go to London to commemorate what would have been my aunties 60th birthday. My auntie died last Christmas and my cousin had arranged this weekend, it was very sentimental and there was absolutely no way I could miss this trip. I was thankful therefore that when 7am came around I had been in considerably less pain for an hour and decided to risk the trip down south.
Fuck me
Had been on the train for half an hour when the pain started and by the time I got there I thought I can't fucking cope with this!!! My cousin had arranged a champagne trip on the london eye and I tried in vein to down as many glasses of champers as I could but it was just too much for me and in the end I had to get off the london eye and phone an emergency dentist down there. You see in london you can ring up 24 hours a day and arrange to be seen. AS IT FUCKING SHOULD BE!!! Within half an hour I was in the chair being injected with lots of face numbing anaesthetic!! Heaven!! They xrayed me and showed me my crown was sitting on the nerve of my tooth and also I had an abscess which was had now spread infection up my jaw to my ear, he said this had happened within about an hour of the pain first starting.  I didn't stand a chance with no dental facilities up here!!! He offered me root canal but I told him to take the cunt out which he did. It cost me 350quid in the end which I was more than happy to pay because on my opinion you can't put a price on a pain free fucking gob!!!
Skipped out of the dentists numb and happy which lasted about 2 hours until the drugs wore off and I have been suffering with a very swollen face and sickly feeling ever since. I am on very strong anti biotics and have been in bed for last couple of days. Can not believe a fucking tooth can cause so much bloody trauma. Let me assure you I was in labour 37 hours, I have broken my arm twice, I have been through adult chicken pox, but THIS.... This my friends was something else. I do not get disabled easily, but this had fucking floored me I swear to god.
On a positive note I have lost 8lb during this ordeal, which I attribute solely to the fact I can't open my trap wide enough to chew food, so every cloud and all that.
Have decided I might be the other guys friend after all, if he doesn't want to see me that's fair enough, and a girl can never have to many friends haha xxx

Mind Games or Retard?

I am burdened with something of a cob on dear readers.

In all the excitement of this weeks blog controversy you may have forgotten that I was in fact half seeing half not seeing the new dude. Those that can dimly recall the new dude may or not remember that he was being somewhat flakey and I was coming to the conclusion he was a cunt. I had packed his bag and put him on the boat to the island of lost men, he had disembarked, he had floated back, and was at the last blog sort of drifting aimlessly in shallow waters.
I had asked him what was occuring round about the beginning of the month and he had told me he was busy going away with family or something for the first week and a bit. He went away with the family, I didn't text him, he didn't text me. I assumed I probably wouldnt hear from him again so imagine my surprise when I get a text off him on his arrival back home. We chatted a bit and that was that. Then on Monday I text him saying are we going out again or what?!!! AND HE DIDN'T REPLY.

Naturally I assumed he was dead

When I noticed him online on whatsapp yesterday and realised he was in fact alive and kicking and had just ignored me, I was almost offended. The only possible conclusion I could draw from this is "No we are not going out again, you are now released to fuck someone else"

So I went about my business.

Then this afternoon 3 fucking days after I text him that, I saw him. So I did what any normal self respecting girl would do when she finds her self face to face with the dude that ignored her text....I looked away and walked passed him. So then about 15 minutes later he texts me asking me if I am avoiding him!!!!!!!!!!! Now the inner quick to react quick to snap devil in me almost replied "Fucking yes I am avoiding you you ignorant bastard what do you think I am going to do after you have just blatantly ignored me?!!!!" but on quiet reflection I thought that is probably not the way to go. I don't necessarily want to fall out with the dude but I am royally miffed at the no repliance. Its pig fucking ignorance more than anything else.

So I mulled it over for a bit and then I sent " I think its you avoiding me"

Well that was at 5pm we are now on half 10 and the fucking bellend hasn't replied. Why fucking text me asking me if im avoiding him and then not fucking reply to my response?!! If you are going to fuck off, stay fucked off!!! I don't understand what the dude is on here seriously. If he doesn't want to see me again and then bumps into me, why fucking text me?! The leg work has already been done he has not replied to the message. Why spoil all his hard grafted for swervage texting me? Does he think we are going to have some sort of friend situation?? What do I want an ignorant swerving pillock as a friend for?!! No I am fucking annoyed now, im not too bothered about him not replying on Monday, if he doesn't want to see me again then fair enough thats up to him, but don't fucking text me something like that and then ignore my reply. If you are going to ignore me then surely you want me to be avoiding you therefore you shouldnt have text me!!!!!

So I have just text him again about 20mins ago saying "Why text me asking me if your avoiding me and then ignore my reply" he came back and said some shit about how he wasn't avoiding me bla bla bla and that he had just been really busy. Whatever. Still don't understand what he's texting me for, he quite clearly doesn't want to be forthcoming in arranging to see me again and in this scenario miladdo it's either your fucking me or you've fucked off there is no grey area I'm not a fucking penpal either arrange to see me and do the business or stop fucking bothering me!!!!

I have called time on this pissing about I am no longer interested. He must have gone off me overnight which i guess means he is seeing someone else as per! fuck that! I want to be adored! Simple as that! Flowers delivered to me at home or at work, excitement, hot dates, hot sex, respectful yet powerful.....I need a MAN and i am fed up of boys!!!

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Cyber geg ins!

Well bugger me what a palava over the last couple of days! I have learned 2 things. 1 a fucking shit load of people read my blog. And 2 random people that have absolutely nothing to do with anything will start kicking off on twitter for the sake of it!!
Now I can understand some people who speak to him wanting to stick up for him, tell me I'm out of order, tell me I'm horrible, they are perfectly acceptable comments to make and that's fine!!! But what about these cyber geg-ins who (it later transpired during out peace treaty phone call that neither of us had the first idea who these pedro's actually fucking where) who were calling me all kinds! I got called a shitty dosed up slag!!!!!! What in the name of sweet Jesus is that all about hahaha a proper randomer out of the blue decided to call me a shitty dosed up slag! And then a bald fat man said I was an idiot for taking a picture of myself and I was about 15!! Who ARE these people hahaha and more to the point why are they taking time out of their lives to write abuse to someone they don't know! I'm not famous! I'm not involved in your life! What are you doing haha!!! I had some poor woman call me fishy fingers for blogging about masturbation! She mustn't fucking get herself off god love her ohhhh god the poor thing it breaks my heart to think of people that uptight it really does I mean I know I'm very liberal and not everyone is but jeeeeesus tonight imagine no orgasms I just couldn't fuckin cope with it me. Unless she does secretly wank all the time and is just calling me fishy fingers because...well...just to be ironic?? Fuck knows but there again it's a random abuse from a cyber geg-in!
So where do these cyber geg-ins come from?! Like i say I can understand friends of the guy I was slating getting involved...perhaps it was twitter mob mentality that other tweeters standing around thought oooooooh kick off lets get involved! What the fuck hahaha! All I know is both mine and his followers shot up loads hahaha it was like being famous on twitter it was nuts!!! We were only messin really we just did a speidi and did It for the publicity hahaha!!!
So anyway we have made friends again now, and had a proper laugh about it, especially when we realised neither of us knew most of the people kicking off!! Must also thank the many many people that have messaged me support I would say for every shitty message I had 4 lovely ones so thanks for that! And I would also say this is MY blog and I can write what i like and if you don't like it simply dont read it! Especially if your not a slut hahaha xxx

Monday, 14 January 2013


People are fucking cranks seriously

Some dudes having a pure emotional breakdown with me over piers morgan and i'm not even messing.

Said I'd never blog about what happened with this dude but he's pissed me off that much calling me a helmet and a bad knobhead and actually wasting valuable time out of my life arguing with me (properly arguing with me not just messing about) over fucking piers morgan that I really do just need to get this out. I've blocked him on twitter and now he's facebooking me, I can fucking see him typing away as we speak, my last 2 replies have been fuck off.

"Think before you blog, your not the only one with the texts, dms and info"

Im sensing a threat...are you sensing a threat? Can't say I've got a bloody seabiscuit what he's on about to be honest but he is pissing me right the fuck off now.

The story begins back in October...

I ended up going on a date with this dude, it was fine we went to San Carlo got all wined and dined and all that but he was getting me loads of wine and shots and vodka and I ended up getting so drunk that I can't remember getting home and I woke up the next day with a massive bruise on my arm and covered in blood! The blood turned out to be a nose bleed but fuck knows what the bruise was about. It was handshaped so I guess I've fallen over and he's grabbed me to keep me up. He defo didn't attack me or anything I'm not saying that I'm just painting the picture of what I can recall of the date.
Because I couldnt remember anything and he seemed alright, I decided I'd give him a second date and picked the pictures so that I could actually stay sober and see what I thought of him. Date was fine again, I didn't really have any feelings on the matter but probably would have seen him again.
It was coming up the DTR and I was due to fly out to Magaluf on the Thursday. On the Wednesday I had put on my facebook that I couldnt wait for the DTR. For none blog regulars the DTR is dream team reunion that me and Suzie and Bianca call the annual holiday we have each year. I was flying at 6am so had to be up at 3am and needed my sleep on the Wednesday night. He was doing my head in texting me the night before when I was packing and that and I never replied to his last message and then he text me about 11pm saying not "arsed il double text what is DTR." Now I was in bed with my eyes shut at this stage plus I had not only told him all about the DTR but it was all over my facebook and also in my blog that he reads so I just said oh im asleep work it out yourself. He text me again saying oh you can't do that but I was so tired I couldnt be arsed replying. I fell asleep and then half an hour later my phone goes again. Now I had just got my iphone and hadn't realised there was a do not disturb button on the fucking thing so this text woke me up and when I am woke up at the best of times Im fuming but when I am woke up when I have got to be up at 3am well let me tell you the devil himself wouldn't stand a fucking chance against my rage.

"Ok I'v googled it, I might be wrong, blame google, but the balls in your court on this one"

I picked my phone up absolutely livid that Id been woke up and said Oh my fucking god Iv got to be up in 3 hours stop texting me! DTR is Dream team reunion fuckin hell!!"

He replied and said wow sorry or something but I was too fuming to care and was now doing that thing where you go right if I go to sleep now il have 3 hours,,,5 mins later oh if I fall asleep at half past il have 2 hours.....and then I thought to myself hang about what the fucking hell is he on about google for...???

So then I had to google it myself to find out what he meant and well fuck me sideways google says DTR means in the urban dictionary "Discuss the relationship"

What the fuck? Is he thinking I have put I want to discuss our relationship on my facebook? Iv met him twice in my whole life as if I'm gonna put that.Plus he knows I am sleeping, he knows I am up early, what the fucking hell is he texting me at this hour for. I was more pissed off than a vegetarian in a butchers and ended up being awake right up until 3 when I had to get up for the airport.

When I met Suzie in Palma airport I told her the horrific nights sleep Id had and she said well love I think its curtains for that dude isnt it. Curtains fucking pelmets, blinds the works. I was pretty much in agreement.

So I came home from Magaluf on the Monday and I was absolutely knackered so I went straight to bed, when I woke up in the morning I had 2 texts from him one of them like a how was your holiday one but he must have then gone out and got pissed and I had another one late at night saying something about me swerving him or something and I thought oh god I really can't be bothered with this any more so I said well lets see shall we, you woke me up texting me when I told you I was asleep, you've assumed Ive meant discuss the relationship on facebook when Iv only met you twice, I've just woke up to 2 more messages off you one of them clearly a drunk one, swerved isn't the word.

So he sent me a reply I can't remember what he said to be honest, I went to work. At this point I was thinking this dudes a bit intense here textin me all the time and thinking I wanted to discuss the relationship and all that but I reckoned well you know leave it a couple of weeks and see how I feel.

But then

I was in work and I was on the phone to a customer doing a big complaint but I noticed my phone had a message on it. I could see it was from the dude, I could see it was massively long, and I could see it contained the word PEDESTAL

I could SENSE that this was going to be a shitty message but I couldn't get off the phone so I shouted over to one of the managers who wasn't busy to get him to read it and see if he could get the highlights accross to me while I was on the phone.

After 2 minutes the whole team was in hysterics, I could hear the manager shouting "How long where you with him for?" so I said "I've been on 2 dates with him" and then everyone going " oh my god this is a mental person" and my manager saying to me "seriously this is unbelievable text him back lets make him say more things" so by the time I got off the phone to read the message I was aware it was going to be something ridiculous. I deleted the message not long after but it basically said I was not asleep when he was texting me I was only in bed if I was asleep I wouldn't have been able to text him to say I was asleep so therefore I was out of order saying to him that I was asleep also he didn't mean discuss the relationship he just meant he didn't know what it meant and if that was what I thought that he thought I had said discuss the relationship then I could come down off my pedestal and basically a lengthy message about how I was up my own arse. Maybe I am, whatever, but I did not wish to date this dude any further and so I replied STOP to the message in the hope that it might work in the same way you can text STOP to other places to stop their marketing texts.

He sent me another couple of messages later on but I never replied.

Meanwhile me and my mate where going to see dirty dancing at the empire that week and I was telling her all about the pedestal incident. She was laughing her head off, she also was having a stalk of his twitter this was the day after pedestal text and 2 very unfortunate coincidences had occured. Firstly the dude had announced that day he'd bought a shop right by where I live. Secondly on the same day he was talking about watermelons. Now we were going to see dirty dancing which obviously has a big watermelon reference and also the fact he'd chose right by mine to buy the shop meant that my mate was now absolutely pissing herself going ohhhhhhhhhhh hes comin for yaaaaaaa! Now I am not for one minute suggesting either of those things where deliberate it was just unfortunate coincidences that made it look like he was stalking me. So My mate thinking its comical puts on her facebook that "if (my) stalker murders (me) then (my mate) is getting my house hahaha #pedestal" and tags me into it, so the dude who was still on my friends list obvs ended up seeing it. Oh god he was livid. He sent me a shitty message, deleted my number and proceeded to slag me off all over twitter. So I sent him a message the next day saying what the fuck and he ended up deleting it all but at this point I was thinking ohhhhhh god what a crank.
A few weeks later he messaged me asking if we could make friends so I said well I've not fallen out with you so yeah whatever. He did keep asking me out again and stuff but I was adamant he was my mate only and that was it.
So I talk to him now and again and he was alright but he did annoy me quite a bit with some of the stuff he came out with and gets pissed an awful lot which is up to him i suppose but he always sent me wierd fucking messages when he was pissed which used to annoy me.

So then we get onto piers morgan gate.

Piers Morgan had tweeted about the Man City fans being tight arsed for not paying 62quid for a ticket.

and this dude had tweeted him saying it was alright for him being born with a silver spoon in his mouth some people couldnt have afforded it.

Now all I said was piers morgan wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth he is just successful. Thats all that started it. I wasn't agreeing with what Piers Morgan had said, I wasn't commenting on the ticket price, I couldn't give 2 fucks either way to be quite honest with you about the price of a fucking away ticket to emirates, I was just making the point that he wasn't born with it, he earned it.

If I would have got a message back saying oh well he still shouldnt say people are tight, or something along those lines I wouldnt have said anything and that would have been the end of it.

But he never,
he said "it makes no difference, its easy for a millionaire to say what he said, I hope your not agreeing with him"

Now it was the last line that pissed me off. I hope your not agreeing with him? And fucking what if I am?!! So I said just that "And fucking what if I am?! No i'm not agreeing with him but you shouldn't say he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth if he wasn't"

Anyway he starts going off on one about this fucking tweet as though it really was an important topical debate and I would like to point out at this stage I had clearly fucking stated I did not agree with what piers morgan had said however I dont think there was quite the need for the uproar that was going on over it because I could sort of understand his point. Basically he was saying that other teams have to pay 62quid so why should the mancs not pay it and he pays 62 quid to go the match and arsenal fans pay that much to go the game so why are the mancs crying over it if the arsenal fans do it...i'm actually boring myself typing this part of the fucking blog because it is that fucking ridiculous.

So I got the point where I said look i'm ignoring you now because your boring, and he sent me something else and then thank god my battery died on my phone so I didn't have to listen to any more of it.

Woke up this morning and switched my phone on to more fucking messages didn't I. a couple sent round about that time saying "nice of you to highlight what I have said. and then another one saying "Tara" and thenhe must have sent another one hours later saying  "not all clubs have to pay it, its only cat a teams, as you where"

Now I had just woken up I was tired, it was cold, I thought I can't believe the first thing I am looking at on my phone is a fucking argument about piers morgan and it pissed me off the "as you where line" fucking patronising prick so I replied and said oh my fucking god you are a loser.

Next thing his mate quoted my tweet and said hahaha are you getting bullied meaning about him so I replied to all of them and said he's just embarrasing now he makes me cringe
So then I get another message of the dude saying its right though, you were wrong, end of discussion.

And I just thought do you know what why am I even giving this dude the time of day he annoys the shit out of me all the time and now hes a pure patronising me hes completely bypassed the point i was making, started a kick off about nothing, hes winding me up hes patronising and in general he needs to just not be in my world any longer. I got the rage so I said

"Oh fuck off you stupid pathetic gimp I was saying you were wrong saying he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth when he wasn't was also saying his point was other teams have to pay it so why shouldnt manc now fuck off never contact me again you wierd stalking WANKER"

I admit, a lot of this anger was brewing from previous bellend incidents but like I have said before with me it is poke the cobra, you can poke me and poke me and poke me and I won't do anything but tip me over the edge and I will snap.

So I get back "other teams don't have to pay it you helmet thats the whole point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So I said "So you are telling me that only man city have had to pay 62quid!

And he said "oh my god only cat a teams have to pay it which is the argument they are exploiting it"

Now for fucks sake, I know this, I am aware of this, I have not for one minute suggested that it is right that they charge 62quid for a ticket, and neither, for the record, did fucking piers morgan.

The he starts tweeting his mate and tagging me into it saying "bad knobhead, knows nothing about ticket prices for aways but jumps on and says im embarrasing turn it in"

so i blocked the bellend and I thought that would be the end of the issue but then the facebook messages started and I just can not fucking cope with it or him any longer!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorow I am going to blog about what I actually intended to blog about today because I have got sooooooo much to tell you but after being told basically blog at your own risk by that dude then i'm sorry i am afraid I have had no option but to get this all off my chest. Who the fuck would even kick off over piers morgan. Why, after all the crankness that had gone before would you turn keyboard warrior on me over something so stupid when he KNOWS what happens to dudes that piss me off. I've been leniant up to now, I've not blogged about it even though my mates where all hounding me to write one. Its a fucking shame as well because I was going to get him to sort out something for me work wise for him and I had 5 other people interested in the same thing I could have sorted him a proper load of business out but he can fuck off now I am taking it elsewhere.

Ahhhhhhh that feels so much better now. Its out! So right according to the messages he's sent me hes told me not to blog about him. well dya know what lad its my fucking blog and il write what I want. I don't respond well to threats, I don't have the first idea what he is planning to do probably tell everyone what my real name is, who knows, who fucking cares, be interesting to see what I come up with for revenge though if he did do something like that, you know what I'm like, anger brings out my evil creativity......lest we forget the roller disco fuck it anyway thats all I have to say on the matter,

Thank you AND GOODNIGHT! xxx

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Mistaken Identity!!!!

You will never fucking believe what happened this morning!!!!

So I am lying on my bed minding my own business and remember that bloody know it all that pissed me off the other day saying I should be more strict with myself because I'd eaten 5 biscuits? Yeah well I decided I would have a little gander at his profile just to see what was occurring. Anyway, I notice, he's tweeted this bird saying "do you follow that single gal about town profile?" and then tweeted its @singlegalabto...BUT the snidey fucker had put a space between the @ and the rest of it so I wouldn't get notified. So I thought ay ay captain what the fucks going down ere? If some one is tweeting about me but not wanting me to know about it then clearly there is some sort of tom foolery occurring!!  So I tweeted that thing about oh your talking about me not to me are ya, that's interesting. ANYWAY, this bird I can see tweets him back, and somehow, I will never in a million years know how this conclusion was ever reached but that stupid arse fucking cowboy biscuit hater had managed to convince this bird that I was in fact @scousebabe888 masquerading as a Jessica Rabbit Blogger!!!

I fucking shit you not!!!!

This wouldn't be a problem usually, our scousebabe888's quite a twitter celeb these days, except for the bird who he was tweeting clearly had some sort of beef with our scousebabe and I was thinking oh fuckin ell ere we go i'm gonna be on the receiving end of some bollocks here!

So I decided to tweet them both and say listen kids as much as I would love to be involved in a conspiracy theory, im just little old me, nothing to do with scousebabe888 and i'm defo not her in rabbit form! The girl then asked me outright if my name was such and such and in the end I had to get my mates that know me in real life and know about the blog to tweet her and confirm that my name wasn't that!!!!! Fair play to the chick she's deleted it all now and said sorry and that but that other fucker I seen had wrote to her that I was a "Scouse whore wanabe with her pathetic wishlist"

What the blazes?!!! Haaaaaaa can't cope!! What I don't understand is how in the name of sweet jesus did the thought ever even occur to him that I might be scousebabe888???!!!!! Has he not read the blogs?!! I can't fucking give it away!! Let alone sell it!! I'v wracked my brains and I have looked at my profile and my blogs and other than the fact we both enjoy a good goosing I really don't see any similarity between us at all. He must be sniffing glue or something god knows! And even if he did come to that conclusion why then go and tell scousebabe888s enemy about it deliberately trying to cause shit!!! And then making himself look like a prize fucking plantpot when it turns out i'm not even her!!!!!!

Serious note though its worrying what goes on in peoples head isn't it. It also show's ya you just don't know who's lurking about in the bushes. So I suggested to this donut he might like to step away from the twitter and perhaps venture outside into the real world with real people before he imploded. He came back with something along the lines of im not going to implode your going to implode and i don't care what you think. Well thats lucky flower, because I think your a helmet!!!

Influx of people dm'ing me these days and a couple of people getting a right weed on if I don't reply! What in heavens name is occurring this week I don't know.

So I would just like confirm once and for all that I am NOT @scousebabe888 and I would also strongly advise to err on the side of caution when you bollock someone for telling you not to eat biscuits as they may go and convince someone you are a well known whore and then try and cause murder for you for reasons known entirely to them self!!

Love ya xxx

Friday, 4 January 2013

Gym Bitch

Well it has been 2013 for 4 whole days and so far I have discovered that I am a proper bitch in 2013 and have very little patience for fools.

After having spent the entire festive season, in fact the entire last quarter of 2012 if I'm honest, being a disgusting fat lazy mess it became imperative that I face the situation head on and get on the scales. I boarded the vessel and looked down. Fuck my life I have gained a stone.
This in itself is not the end of the world. My arse is fit, my legs are fit, in fact most of me is fit. The only part that isn't fit is my Vicky pollard belly. I also felt absolutely disgusting after all the shit I had eaten. You know when you just feel lethargic and fucked up. Decided it was time I re-acquaint myself with the gym.
I am not going on a diet as such, I can't be arsed with diets or being hungry and if I want something I will eat it. I go to the gym to improve my mental wellbeing mainly and the fact that it improves my body is a welcomed bonus. I am lucky, I am an ectomorph (seeeeeee I did learn something from the personal trainer) and that basically means If I work hard and don't eat LOADS of shit then any weight pretty much drops off me. Which is handy because when I am not in the zone I eat quantities I find impossible to fathom how they ever fit in my stomach. Seriously. I will go to maccies and get a large meal AND chicken nuggets AND one of those little snack wrap things AND not even be full.
So I skipped down to the gym for the first time on the 2nd Jan which is what I consider to be the first proper day of the new year and I was able to look down my nose at those turning left into the KFC as gym junkies previously had looked down their noses at me. I was a winner, I was fit.
"Ohhhhhh finally getting back into it are ya!!" The dude on reception says to me before I have even said hello. Happy new fucking year to you too knobhead ha! Yes I know its been a while, but I am back now, and I am back with a vengeance.
I won't bore you with my gym routine but I was there about 3.5hours. Felt wonderful when I came out and rewarded myself with 5 weightwatchers biscuits. Yum Yum! Made the mistake of tweeting this and some fucking know it all comes back and tweets me telling me I should be stricter with myself!!!! Er Fuck off!! Who asked you!! I don't know why but this really fucking irritated me! I think I do not like being told what to do especially by people who I have a strong inkling haven't got the first fucking idea what they are talking about! So I asked why and he said because whats the point of working out in the gym if you are going to ruin it all by eating shit. Honest to god If I was following him I would have unfollowed there and then ha! So then I for some reason try and justify myself by saying it was a weightwatchers biscuit and the fucker comes back with "did you know diet food is laden with sugar?"
Jesus Christ on Fire I was livid! So I kicked off and he came back with "You don't take advice well do you, well at 28 you know it all"
First of all, no I do not take unsolicited advice well. Not one fucking iota!
Second of all, I have been on some form of weight watching scenario for 13 years. There is absolutely nothing I don't know about losing weight. I know the location of every single carb in the fucking edible world. I know the calorie content of everything, I know the salt content of everything, I know literally everything there is to know. I also know what exercises are best for me to do having spent countless hours in the Gym and with my personal trainer. YES, AT 28 I FUCKING KNOW IT ALL.
Third of all, LOSING WEIGHT IS NOT EVEN THE FUCKING GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I know I am anonymous page but there are a couple of pics of my bod knocking around in my photos.....I do not need advice from YOU!!!
Ahhhhh thats better I have had a little rant now!
Next day I was back in the gym working hard doing another 3 hours. Was quite surprised it wasn't chocca. Was expecting an influx of new resolutioners hitting it hard on a 9 day wonder but it was no busier than usual. There was however a new bloke in the body combat class. He came up to me and started chatting about body combat. He seemed alright, he was chinese and sweaty as he must have done the previous class. I'm not really a talker in the gym. Unless your fit. If your fit you can chat the arse off me but sweaty blokes need to fuck off. Anyway we did the combat class and I stayed to do body pump....low and behold sweaty chinese was staying too. We get all our weights out and he starts asking the instructor if there were going to be any rotators in the class (where ya lift ya weights up an rotate them out cant really explain it but its a weight lifting move). Who fucking cares?? Just do whatever needs to be done. I don't know if anyone goes to the gym and does these classes but with combat and body pump etc they have new releases every few weeks where the routine changes and because its a new year a new one had come out. I think he was just trying to show off to the class that he knew what the fancy words where for the different moves. I know what the fancy words are for the different moves because I have had personal training but you don't see me mouthing off about them do you. Fucking show off.
Managed to get through body pump and thought I would chill out in the pool before I went home. Ohhhhhh heres where all the fucking new resolutioners are! Cheating in the spa!!!! It was chocca!!! I got in the pool and start swimming a few lengths and I look over to the steam room and I keep seeing this bloke walking to the door and then walking away again! Who the fuck walks around in a steam room?!!! Just sit down and chill the fuck out!! When I looked again I was fucking sweaty chinese!!!! It must have been his first time in the gym and thought I know I will literally try out every single facility there is. Swam back away from the steam room and when I was swimming back again this time sweaty chinese appeared to be pressing his entire body against the door of the steam room from the inside. Think titanic, except instead of kate winslets intensely aroused hand against the glass, imagine a sweaty chinese man.
I really wanted to go for a steam after working so hard but I thought there is not a chance I am going in there on my own. I waited for some fit dudes to go in. Fit dudes LOVE the steam room so I didn't have long to wait. Yes low and behold I saw 2 dudes approaching. They weren't exactly fit but I thought they would be adequate protection for me so I followed them in for a steam and then I went and got in the jacuzzi. Only planned on staying in there for about 5 mins before having another swim when....oh shit....oh god.....oh no.....a fit dude got in the jacuzzi with me. Shit a brick he was fit. Young too I reckon 20 tops. Body to die for....fuuuuuckkkkk. Sat there like a mute. Luckily I had chosen to wear a tits n ass swimming costume that was cut down the the navel and made the baps look boss. There was no way I was getting out of this jacuzzi now. So I sat there admiring the view of the fittie I was bathing with and also the silhouette of what looked like Daniel Craig swimming up and down in the pool god don't tease me.....omg the fit dude in the jacuzzi has got a fit mate that also got in the jacuzzi. This one was even fitter than his mate. Shine a light. I was sitting in a bubble bath with 2 fit dudes not a day over 20. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS WONDERFUL WONDERFUL DAY. Ended up having quite a laugh with them both, reckon they are BOTH on the to do list for this year. Note to self Thursday nights, fit dude night in the gym.
After I got home I was chatting to some dude that took me out on a couple of dates last year but annoyed me so much I swerved him and then I refused point blank to give him my phone number again after he deleted it during a hissy fit. Told him about all my gym work. What did he say??Well done you?? You'll be fit in no time?? You have got loads of stamina and endurance?? NO he told me not to strain myself. FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF this is exactly the reason I swerved him off!! Asked him if he went the gym. He said no. What a fucking surprise!!!!
So he got told to fuck off and all.

So what have we learned today? I love the gym, I know what to eat, I do not want advice from people who know fuck all, I don't suffer fools and I am a complete bitch in 2013.



Thursday, 3 January 2013

Happy new year!!

Well kids the New Years got off to a cracking start! Il begin my take with New Year's Eve. Me and my best pal had gone to her pub where she works and I had somehow got myself in rather a state. I don't remember I actually turning 12 but I do remember drunkenky singin auld Lang sine (or whatever it's called) and I also do remember getting a text of the new guy saying happy new year to which I drunkenly replied and where the fuck have you been for 3 days hahahaha!!!
Basically, between you and me brothers, unless I'm deeply involved, the treat em mean keep n keen does not work with me. For me, it's more like treat me mean, make me frustrated, I will then go and have sex with someone else out of spite, fuck you bellend.
According to him it's been a busy family time and he's still interested and bla bla but this would not be irritating me so much if it wernt for the fact I can see him online on whatsapp every 5 fucking minutes but not texting ME! Livid. Well u know how it is, in the words of the great songstress (!) kandi.... When your out, in the club, don't think I'm not......
New year reached an all time epic high on my return to my bezzies house where for some reason I drunkenly found myself in bed with her patents. I can distinctly remember her mum pushin me out of the bed and telling me to go away and then I can remember telling her to fuck off and then I was and tried to get in the airing cupboard. Iv got no idea what that was all about but I have certainly started the new year in interesting circumstances.
Spent the first proper day of the new year (yesterday) back in the place I love.... The gym! Wall to wall fitties, tighter body, swimming pool, steam room, what's not to love! I love going for a swim after a work out. I do not love dieting. I don't fucking entertain diets, I refuse to go hungry and deny myself anything!! Same in life really haha! Thing is though, when your in gym mode your body naturally craves healthy stuff anyway I find, so even if u do have a blow out it doesn't matter, your still fit! And don't let anyone tell you any different!
If anyone wants a high protein meal idea then I'm going to share this with you:
Low fat steak
Spinach leaves
Red chillies
Balsamic vinegar
Feta cheese
Instructions, grill steak, lash all the other stuff on the plate, lash the steak on top, crumble feta cheese on top, chow the fuck down.
It's quick and fit. Iv mixed it up a bit I put salsa and jalapeƱos on it now too because I'm a spicey mother fucker.
Think I'm going to go to body combat tonight and then depending on how fucked I am I might do body pump straight after, iv not been for ages though so all the routines will be new and il be like the demented martial arts bellend in the corner doing right hooks when I'm meant to be jab cross jabbing but I'm sure il get the jist of it.
New guy has not text me since New Year's Day and is apparently fucking off for a week on Saturday. I'd say he's not quite on the island of lost men yet but he's defo still on the boat and the wifi signal is getting worse.
Right think that's all iv got to say! Xxx

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone