Single Gal Does Amsterdam

I have experienced Amsterdam, and I liked it.

I had been looking forward to this weekend no end since we planned it in October. My best mate Jenna had just dumped her fella and I was getting ready to fuck Andy off once and for all and so we were in need of something fabulous to look forward to. A shimmer of joy on a horizon of bleak cockless hostility.

It was Amsterdam eve. I was very concerned for our trip as I was seeing numerous statuses from people on a flight to Amsterdam that had been delayed and eventually cancelled due to the shit load of snow that began to fall out of nowhere. I busied myself making snowmen, by myself, in the street, aged 28, but eventually I thought no just go to bed and in the morning it will all be ok.

I awoke at 5am excited, I checked the Liverpool John Lennon airport flight info and all was looking dapper. Out of nowhere I got a text off the dude I was shagging in December telling me he would so love to fuck me. Distracted momentarily by the thought of cock I replied to him and told him he had had ample opportunity and he then proceeded to ring me up pissed out of all comprehension and jabber on for half an hour about how he wanted to come round. So I did what any self respecting 2013 virgin would do and booked him in for a spooning sesh when I arrived home Sunday night.

Jenna arrived as I hung up from the dude (his names Tom by the way did I add that in? no well he's Tom anyway) and we skidded and slided to the airport as the roads where very fucking bad at this time. We had only taken hand luggage and had checked in online so all we had to do was get through security and then commence our usual airport routine which is purchase large bottle of vodka from the duty free and then 3 bottles of diet coke each from the wh smith and then decant the vodka equally into the bottles to commence the getting pissed. Unfortunately my mate had left me in charge of refreshments and in all my excitement I had put a third of the bottle each into the first diet coke....we believe this is where we may have started to lose control.

Easyjet set your seats now, its no longer a free for all, so we were excited to see who would be sitting by us for our journey. Holy mother of fuck,,,,,,you are not going to believe this but as we boarded the plane (last of course, we do not stand in queues) there, before our very eyes where 2 hot men. We couldn't believe it. We said our hellos and began to whisper about how fit these blokes where. Pissed and excited we barely noticed that we were sat on the plane for an hour and half before we could take off due to the snow, we frolicked in our seats, I blindfolded my bestie and it wasn't long before fittie one and fittie 2 across the aisle wanted to be our friends. By the time we had got to Amsterdam we had established ourselves as companions and by a remarkable stroke of luck the fittie that Jenna fancied, fancied her back and me and the other one liked the look of each other too!!.I had not gone on this trip to meet boys but Jenna was really into her one so I was more than happy to play wingman and if it got exciting well I had my 32 condoms on my person, I could not have been happier!

Straight off the plane we ricocheted through schipol airport to locate a train. None of our foursome had been to Amsterdam before so it was a proper adventure. Amsterdam was in the midst's of a blizzard so the plan was to go with the fitties brief which was "find dam square, go down a back alley and enter into a coffee shop".

We stumbled across a magical place almost immediately which we later discovered was one of the most hardcore coffee shops you can possibly find yourself in. We made our way upstairs to a sort of bed/seat area and sparked our first joint. I swear to god within 2 pulls I was higher than I have ever been in my life, and believe me children, I am no stranger to a narcotic. The world was all of a sudden hilarious. Jenna and I were crying laughing at absolutely fuck all, our new boyfriends where losing the use of their legs and I believed us to be on a boat for a good ten minutes due to the rocking motion I was feeling. Jenna (who does not smoke usually) took a bit of a spacecake whilst simultaneously smoking and I said wooahhhhh look at you smoking and chowing at the same time! Hardcore! And she was that fucked she just said Hash Core Hard Cake
Meaning #hardcore but just not getting the words out.
We laughed our heads off for another good ten minutes believing a group of 4 old men sitting on the table next to us where one direction. Time must have stood still for us because when we finally meandered down the nightmare spiral staircase (I say stair case, I mean ladder. Amsterdam staircases are glorified ladders they are so steep) and ventured out into the open air, somehow it was still only 2pm.
We then decided to check into our respective hotels. We flagged down a taxi as we had no idea where we were and went off. A few minutes into our journey Jenna gasped in horror. "An extra one" she whispered and pointed to the passenger seat in the front of the car.
"Oh my god who is that???" we all said in alarm. Perhaps they have a chaperon here for the taxi drivers?? We were a bit scared that we had not got into a taxi at all we had just got into a random car before Jenna pointed to the drivers seat and gasped again in horror. I turned around. Our worst fears realised.....the driver was not there. "Oh my god this passenger guy must be a terrorist and has killed our driver and now we are being driven to our death" we wailed. It was a good 30seconds of panic before we finally understood that they drive on the other side of the road over there and the passenger was in fact our fucking driver in his driving seat on the other side of the car. THAT is how fucked we where.

Arrived at our hotel which resembled a door in a big brick wall. It looked like a crack den. We were worried but actually our room was quite nice. We then went with our new boyfriends (Spencer and Chris - for some reason me and Spencer where called team Spencer and Jenna and Chris where team Rylan....i don't know why....it was funny at the time) to their hotel and we parted ways while they went for a kip and we went for food.

After eating a cheeseburger we then decided to go and get our heads down ourselves for it was at shocking levels of fucked upness by this point. Spencer had text me and asked if we wanted to meet  about 7 so we had a couple of hours to regain our composure.
But then
7 came and went....we had been swerved by our new boyfriends.
"I just want answers" Jenna said sadly. "Did the last few hours mean nothing to them?
We made our way to the grasshopper to lick our wounds and then stumbled quite accidentally across the red light district.
Broken hearts forgotten I heard a "This is fucking Brilliant" from an elated jenna who was ever so excited to see all the brasses on display about to sell their arses. It was just out of this world. I wanted to go to a sex show but they were so fucking expensive so we just had a few drinks and a laugh and then went home.
When we got in we switched the wi fi on and what is this we see? Friend requests from our new boyfriends and a text! The soft bastards had only given us one of their numbers and that one had left his phone in the room so the other poor fucker had been frantically searching facebook for our location. Overjoyed! We were not dumped and we were back together with our Amsterdam boyfriends!!! The day could not have been any better!
Jenna and I awoke the next day. We went down for breakfast and somehow where shocked at the fact it was toast and a few bits of cheese and ham and eggs. Why were were expecting a full English when the place was little more than a cupboard I have no idea but still, nothing made sense in Amsterdam. We checked out and then went out for a wander. We did have plans to go and see some culture but in the end we couldn't be bothered, we set up camp in a smoker friendly bar and got pissed and high with our boyfriends all day! When it came to be time for us to go home our new boyfriends escorted us to the station and kissed us goodbye and that was it we where on our way home!!!
No naughtiness, no sex, just literally a lovely time and a bloody good laugh. I loved every second of my time there!! Our new boyfriends live in Doncaster so not much chance of seeing them again although Jenna and Chris where really getting on well so who knows what will happen there.
Meanwhile while all this was going on, Tom kept texting me wanting to come round to mine when I got home and also the Monday night (ie tonight) So I text him when I had landed and said I was home and he had basically got pissed and then this morning I text him and said what time are you coming and he said he cant come tonight because he is really busy.

So he has just been told to fuck off.

I can't be dealing with fucking flakiness why say you are going to come round and then swerve it off its not fucking on! So I just text him and said listen I cant be arsed with you any more you are messing me around and AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT (I embellish, I said I cant be dealing with flakiness.) Me and thee - sexual relations -  no more! I said I am not falling out with you but I just cant be arsed with this so lets just be platonic friends ok? Winner

Fucking prick text back and said ok no probs. Don't get him at all why pester me all weekend and then swerve it. Ridiculous. Probably didn't like the thought of me living it up in Amsterdam maybe? Telling you kids its a good job I had an Amsterdam boyfriend or I might be fucking annoyed right now!!

So now on zero balance dudes again although I do have something up my sleeve for next month OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH xxx