Monday, 22 April 2013

Got wrecked and saw a willy

I saw a willy yet I am still a 2013 virgin. Work that one out.
This weekend could not have come quick enough. I have had a shitter of a week due to some gobshite from boyfriends past and I literally could not wait to get right out and party my socks off. I had not seen my Bezzie mate in months, since Amsterdam in fact. We pencilled this date in about a month ago and as I rocked home from work on Saturday afternoon there was my pal sat on my driveway bearing gifts of vodka, beak and clothes she didnt want any more. What a fucking bird.
We hit the vodka straight away. 6pm on our first large one was always only going to end one way. Made a slight schoolgirl error when we realised by around 8pm that we were pretty pissed and had to apply our make up but we were In a "fuck it" frame of mind so didnt care and went out resembling something out of the hobbit. Fit hobbits like but hobbits all the same.
Ungodly size bottle of vodka which started off our night

It was a night out on a shoe string as we are both skint so it was 40quid max. We got bladdered before we went out and got our tame taxi driver to take us and pick us up which he does for half price coz he's fuckin sound like that. So alls we had to spend was soft drinks money and entry into garlands. Winner.
We went to mohitos first which was just alright and then we went next door to bar baa where we danced for a bit when mate stops and says....
"Oh my god, it's Anton Powers...and he's heading towards the DJ box"
Me and my mate love Anton and we basically have stalked the living shit out of the poor boy for years. All the clubs, cream fields, you name it, we've been. It's become hillarious now because recently we have started getting our photo taken with him like full on groupies. We may be almost 30, but quite frankly we do not give a fuck. The man is a bloody musical genius.
Our fella phoooaaaaarrrrrr

We did not however know Anton was going to be there so you can imagine our joy. We stayed for his set, I think he either called us over for a picture or we guilted him into it by showing him other pictures of us together but who gives a fuck it's another one for the collection.
While all this drinking was going on we were of course getting right on it with a couple of bags of columbias finest. It's been a while since I got on the party powder and I'm not ashamed to admit I had a bloody ball.
Next stop garlands... Magical place, it's our spiritual home. I'd not been since boxing night and once in there I must have got over excited and ended up dropping a couple of pills too.....

By the time 5 o'clock rolled around I was ready to leave, I was going to the bad place....I tried to have a word with myself in the taxi but it was no use. I was gone.
I got in bed and started bargaining with myself. You clubbers will know what I mean. Having the "if I survive this night, I will never ever take another substance as long as I live. I mean it" conversation with yourself. "If I just stay dead still itl be alright". "I need a wee again. Again though iv been 15times already". "Have I been asleep?". "Am I just waiting?". "Help".
This went on for a good couple of hours or so when I finally got a couple of hours shut eye and then we decided we would make an emergency dominos order at 11am which made us feel much better. We must be the only clubbers that get HUNGRY after a heavy night on the gear. Sly.

My mate went home about half 1 and by this time my comedown is In full swing. I'm feeling lonely, needy, like I may shed a tear. Still with the "I love you" effects of the ecstasy bubbling around my body I made the rather ridiculous decision to call Andy. He's full of I love you's lately. On this occasion however he chose to inform me he'd banged some bird the night before which fucking depressed me further and I ended up having to pretend it was sound. "Ring me back in 15mins" he said. "I'm just getting on the tube".
I hung up ready to commit. There literally could not have been a better moment for an opportunistic shagger to text me and ask me if I fancied giving him a blow job.
"Really, what's in it for me" I said.
"I fact I will return the favour"
So I did didn't I.

Rang Andy back and said "afternoons perked up no end I'm getting laid il ring u tomorrow". Fuck you arsehole, 2 can play at that game flower. And off I went and had an hours cheeky business with an ex shaggee from last year. It's bloody ridiculous to be fair and he did literally mean blow job I'd only been there about 5 mins and he'd cum....fuming. But if Andy asks I got rattled all over the place and it was boss ok? Sound.
Yes so this weekend had it all. Partying, drugs, slutty behaviour yet shockingly I still have not had any sex this year which I think means I have retained my good behaviour sticker....if you hook up with someone you've had lots before then it doesn't count....right?
My mate doesn't know about the naughty behaviour. Lets see how long it takes her to text me and ask me who it was
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Sunday, 7 April 2013

ORGASMS - (contains references to masturbation do not read if you dont want to know)


Have you even seen that episode of sex and the city where Samantha loses her orgasms? Well no word of a lie I have been struggling with the same situation the last couple of months and if I am being completely honest I am still not a hundred percent now.

I first started to notice the issue a couple of months ago. I noticed that my orgasms where, shall we say, shit.

Now I love orgasms. I love everything about them. I love the build up, I love bringing myself to the brink and then letting it die down before building up again until eventually I let myself cum in a big massive explosion of ecstasy.

There are no problems that aren't made a little bit better by a fucking good orgasm
I have it down to a fine art and whilst I do enjoy male company I am more than happy to deliver myself to heaven because I am fucking good at rocking my own world. Lets be honest girls its a rarity to find a man who can do it the way we can do it ourselves. If you find one that can then for fucks sake marry him because he has knowledge of and appreciation for the CLIT

Most recently however I have found that my orgasms have been eluding me. This is due to a  sad depressing fact. Yet another example of how women still do not enjoy total equality in this world. And that is that while men have a point of no return....a point that once reached it wouldnt matter if they caught sight of their own mother having a shit, they would still jizz...women, well we just don't. We are built differently, and even if we are nano seconds from closing the deal our stupid fucking CUNTS (pun intended) of bodies can still switch it off last minute causing our orgasms to wilt and die away leaving a very unsatisfied and quite frankly pissed off @singlegalatbo

Honest to god so I would be in bed all excited having one of my favourite bedtime fantasys thinking alright here we go...when all of a sudden something would be holding me back and I would feel like I had missed the boat and then I would kind of orgasm and have about like 2 fanny gallops and then that would be it. And I would be thinking did I cum? Was that it? Did I just fake an orgasm to myself?
This just simply is not acceptable. I am single. I have only myself to rely on and as god is my witness I will CUM AGAIN
I decided this must be psychological and I need to get to the bottom of it. There was something just not letting me completely let go and I just can't work out what it is. I have been doing loads of pelvic floor exercises and taking a lot of frustration out at the gym and I am pleased to report that my orgasms the last week or so have been pretty much close to their usual off the rictor scale level but it feels like I am concentrating too much on it....what would happen if I took my eye off the ball? Back to pathetic waste of time orgasms? I am the female equivalent of a floppy cock.
I think I am probably going to dedicate tonight to the cause and have a few practise sessions. I don't even have any sex toys at the moment as they got damaged in the flood and I am yet to replace them. There again though I find vibrators are the devils work because yes they are a guarunteed orgasm but they make it harder to come without them. Well they do if you sit there all night having about 5 goes a night like I do, I just don't know when to stop me.
Anyway, thats all for now. I will of course keep you updated as to my progress. Still not aqcuired a new boy yet but I do have a my eye on something.... hehe
@singlegalabto xxxx

Tuesday, 2 April 2013


Haven't blogged for ages so I thought I'd knock up a cheeky one

Still a large willy shaped hole in my life and we have now passed the 3 month mark since I last bumped uglies. This dismays me a great deal and I am starting to feel like I might jump on a train and go and sit on Andys cock for half an hour just to get laid...obviously I'm joking but you see the situation.

I have been busying myself with other things and I must say I have quite enjoyed the lack of head wrecking that comes with a man and have been having muchos fun with my chums.

Easter weekend was a particularly good one. Good Friday was spent having luncheon with my nearest and dearest and then Friday night was a big night out with my 3 favourite sisters, Queenie, Seal and Sanjay. It was Sanjays birthday and we had got ourself a booth in moniques. We love a booth we do, a shit load of ale for about half the money you would otherwise spend on a night out plus indoor fucking fireworks, what more could a girl want.

I love these sisters, iv known them years and I have a separate friendship with each of them that is so nice. Seal is so called because she loves a tan and we call her factor fuck all on holidays because she refuses point blank to put any cream on and she always goes really brown. She hasn't got a single wrinkle either it's sly.

So we all got fucked up and seal somehow ended up draggin over @thatscouselad who asked me if I was getting messy. When I told him I was taking it easy because I had work in the morning he just looked at me with sheer disgust and walked away, thus destroying any chance i ever had with him. Gutted.

Seen quite a few twitter people in moniques and had a proper ball but like I say I had to rein it in by 3 bells because I had to drag my arse to work in the morning. Sly.

Next day whilst sisters trio where nursing their hangovers I managed to not only get to work but also to take my mate and out kids to the circus! Kids had a ball. We very nearly didnt make it as my mate had gone out too on Friday and gone missing in action but one search party later and we had recovered her. We went to lark lane for a munch first where we saw a fit wrongun. He was sat with a group of other wronguns and was wearing a full Adidas 3 stripe in a bright red shade. It should have been so wrong, yet it was so right. So if anyone was gettin on the Lemo on lark lane on Saturday and was wearing a Santa trackie then just lettin u know I think ur fit.

Got home from the circus exhausted but still managed to do the baby an Easter egg hunt. Sunday was spent eating shit and watching films as I celebrated the good lord rising again.

Made the fuck up too because of this I saw in the paper

My favourite artists work is being shown in out city this summer, I can't wait. Iv already bought my ticket. My favourite painting by him is called paris through the window and is the one i dragged my poor mother across New York to the Guggenheim to buy the print because you can't buy it anywhere else. I don't want to get my hopes up that the original will be in this exhibit but if it is I'm telling you now I'l have a wide on the size of the Mersey tunnel. Just sayin.

Not much to report in the way of boys got a couple who I like at the minute but both are a bit of a challenge, have decided to just see what comes my way. And get on me putting pictures in my blog, decided a few illustrations might be the way forward x

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