Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Making Love vs Getting Ruined

Going to share my views on this and would be interested to know where other people sit around this coital fence. On the phone to my friend Suzie last night and we got onto the discussion of how many orgasms we fake during the average no pants dance and we have decided it is at least 2 every time. I am now making a comittment that I am never going to fake another orgasm as long as I just encourages bad behaviour and poor performance. Why do we girls do it??? The main reason we have concluded is basically to speed things along. If I am getting to the point where I am starting to re-stock my cupboards in my head then its time to fake it. Or if you are with someone who just has absolutely no idea what he's doing, you've tried to steer him in the right direction with verbal nods and have even blatantly said to him "no mate you need to be concentrating at least 2 inches north of there if you are expecting to light my fire" and he's still not doing it right then the kindest thing for both of us is to let him think he's done it and then just never call him again.
The conversation then led to us discussing what DID actually do it for us in the sack and then we both confessed that neither one of us had hit the jackpot through "making love".
"I can't make love me" Suzie said. "I just can't do it".
"Me either" I said. "I mean its nice and everything...but then a thick duvet around you on a cold night is nice, hugging is nice but neither of them are going to make me hit the ceiling either."
We also admitted that when we do manage to see god during vanilla sex, usually there is something completely different going on in our heads that is actually happening in real life. We'll be fantasising about some hardcore filth instead.
Everytime I've see the whole "making love" carry on in films and stuff though, it looks brilliant!! They are always cumming left right and centre, why does it never happen for me?? Maybe its because I have never truly been in love.......although I think more than likely its because they are faking it in the films too.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012


@singlegalabto is starting a revolution today. Its a simple concept which I feel if adhered to will enrich the lives of all of others
Say NO TAR to pricks
No thanks, Your alright there yano, No, Fuck off will ya, NO TAR
Its simple. Its effective. And a sure way to create a prick free life.
Got my 70quid back today. Had to text him again to get it like. Also asked him if the reason he was having a nervo was due to him being insecure in himself and he said yes and also because I was still using the PT after we got back together.
Unsure why the fucking dickhead thinks the PT is suing me if I was still using him and I assured him I had told the PT to swivel once me and Andy where back together but it was to no avail he called me a whore and told me why should he settle for beans on toast when he can have lobster.
Between you and me kids I have been thinking exactly the same thing. Not blowing my own trumpet here or anything but I scrub up alright yano. I also have the added advantage of being shit hot in the sack and not being a prick therefore Andy you can keep your lobsters because you are simply paving the way for a mighty fine speciman of a dude to show me the time of my life.
Although I am sad about the Andy situation (I did genuinely really like him and he wasn't a bellend all the time I would say 20percent of the time he was quite nice), I am coming to realise that I actually wasn't happy in that relationship and this is a good thing because now I am free to find this knight in shining armour that is waiting for me..ahem...hopefully.
My ideal dude has the following attributes:
Aged 24-35
At least 5ft 11
Not too skinny, I like a man to hold me in his arms and make me feel protected
Earns at least 10k a year more than me
Own house (Will accept rented) and Car
Good friend network
Just enough of a bastard to keep me interested but not so much that he makes me unhappy
Gives me butterflies in my stomach
Now if anyone knows anyone matching this description would you for the love of god send him my way. Its not too much to ask is it? God the thing I hate the most about splitting up with someone when you didn't really want to is that sick feeling of dread that you will  never find anyone else and this is the end. Now I've been around the block enough times to know that there is ALWAYS another knobhead waiting to fuck me around and make me go a bit weak but you know how it is, at the time you feel shit. Right now i'm thinking to myself..."shall i just buy a cat, get fat and join the bingo and have done with it?" - Nahhhhhh swerve that, I think we can do a little better than that.
Weekend is looking decent. Going to get absolutely plastered with my favourite random chicks. Fucking Ryan might be going to St Tropez now so the pool party might be off but if that is the case I'll just go out with friends instead. By hook or by crook I will be smooshed from Thur-Sun inclusive.
Been having a little dabble on that plenty of fish this week too and been texting a bit of a fitty. Not sure if anything will come of it but its quite nice to have a dude textin...Kind of like a nicotine patch for dudes. Watch this space.

@singlegalabto xxx

Saturday, 21 July 2012

The Story of the Dream Team

Next weekend I am visiting my dream team. The dream team consists of me and 2 other girls and we share a very unique and special friendship which we put down to the strange circumstances in which we met...

A couple of years ago I met this big fat guy named Johnathon. I met him at a glitzy showbiz bash I attended with Ryan. He was about 38, fat and very very rich. After the party he added me on facebook and one day he sent me a message asking me if I wanted to go to a party in marbella that weekend. "I fucking wish" I said, "I'm totally skint!" Within half an hour I received an e-mail from him, and attached was return easyjet flights to marbs leaving on the Friday afternoon.
Well what was a girl to do....jetting off to marbs alone to meet a fat guy I barely know..I mean what sort of nutcase would actually do that....
Errrr me obviously!! Packed my little suitcase and off I went. I knew Ryan had been to Palma with him before, and I had overheard him saying he owned an online travel company and half of a football team. He also told me he and Ryan were really good mates and I didnt really have any reason to doubt him. I was marginally cautious about the fact I could end up raped and murdered in a foreign country but mostly I was excited about my free trip to marbs.
I checked myself in to the airport lounge where for 15quid I could drink as much as my little heart desired until I boarded the plane. I don't like flying and therefore I need to be at least merry in order to partake in aviation. In the lounge I befriended an elderly couple who liked their measures large and by the time I boarded the plane I was absolutely fucking twatted. Memory of the plane is hazy but I do remember some skanky man asking me for my number as we landed. I hastily wrote down my ex boyfriends phone number and skipped off the plane. It was Chris's number. I always give that pricks number out to dudes I don't like, its just my way of being a cow.
Ricocheted through passport control and slid into the arrivals hall announcing I NEED A FUCKING FAG. Johnathon was waiting for me, along with a girl named Suzie. He took us back to his villa in his rented bmw convertable and I was swigging champagne out of the was a very strange situation. Me and suzie jumped straight into the pool when we arrived and Johnathon left us to it whilst he went back to the airport to collect another girl Bianca. I was so pissed at the time i didn't really realise that the party I was expecting wasn't really happening, and by the time the next day dawned it occured to me, Suzie and Bianca that there was no party at all. We all started to talk and say how it was wierd he had got us all out there. Did he want sex? No chance of that we said!! He took us out for dinner and stuff and round the marina etc but seemed to get pissed off with us when we wanted to sunbathe and have a laugh. The trip quickly seemed to turn into a random girls holiday with a moody fat guy following us around and paying for everything. In spite of the moody dude, me, suzie and bianca had an absolute ball and called ourselves the dream team...we felt like soldiers battling against the moody guy and we all stuck together. On our return home we all vowed to keep in touch and now, annually, we have a holiday at the end of each year. Last year we went to Tenerife....(Met a dude there....will tell you about him sometime), This year we are going to the canaries again. And just recently this year we decided it was daft we only ever meet up abroad so we have started to have a DTR (dream team re-union) every couple of months now. We all come from different parts of the country and no one else is allowed to come on our nights out. Its our random little thing thats really special to us!
Whatever happened to Johnathon? Well after marbs he took a shining to my mate and the next thing I know he had booked tickets for her, me and another girl to go to vegas!!! Flew us out premium class, we had our own suite EACH in the cosmopolitan hotel and in general we had a fucking ball! Same thing happened though he got right moody with us when we wanted to sunbathe and I stopped speaking to him after the holiday. Anyway a few months later we found out hed been lying about everything. He wasnt really the owner of an online travel company, he just worked for them and had been booking our free holidays through the company illegally. He didnt really know Ryan that well at all, Ryan later told me he just paid for him to go to palma one day and Ryan went because, well free holiday. He also told us he was divorced but we now think his wife and kids have no idea of his double life and he was with her all along. He got done for fraud in the end and no one speaks to him any more.
WHATEVER that is the story of how I met my dream team!! We reckon we get on so well because it takes a certain type of personality to fly off to meet people youv never met before and we all bonded very quickly in a very strange situation. I love them to bits and i'll be a dream team member till I die!!

@singlegalabto xxx

@singlegalabto is officially back on the market

Fuck Men, seriously they are all fucking bellends I swear to god.

Andy text me today to inform me what a whore he thought I was. Now I'm not being funny dear readers, but all he knows about is the swinging with the personal trainer, which he already knew about anyway. I MAY BE A WHORE BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THE FUCKING HALF OF IT THEREFORE FOR HIM TO SAY THIS BASED ON HIS LIMITED KNOWLEDGE CAUSES ME GREAT FUCKING OFFENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Onnnnn and onnnnnn and onnnnnn about how he felt physically sick and that he couldn't bare to be near me and all this. Ohhhhhhh please.
Right so I have been a bit offended for most of the day. I'm not a whore....don't look at me like that, I'm not. If i have a boyfriend I am the model girlfriend and I will put my all into a relationship. If i'm single well i'll do whatever makes me happy. And if I'm single I also reserve the right to go to a swingers club with my fucking personal trainer.
God I hate that personal trainer. If it wasn't for him and his stupid little dwarf attitude none of this would have happened. Mind you saying that if Andy hadn't of shagged off with that bird back in March I never would have joined the gym in the first place. The fucking pair of them are tossers in their own little ways.
Anyway I've pretty much been alright all day. I'm not even that upset. I feel like im back to where I was when the phone rang the other week and I thought he was dumping me. Theres defo more than meets the eye here isn't there. Hot one minute, cold the next. Does he have syphillis? Fuck knows. But i'm completely done with this stupid mess of a half relationship. Text him and told him Iwas happy to split up, I was mainly unhappy about 80percent of the time and that I needed to be with someone that cares about me.
Text the personal trainer this morning and asked him why he was such a fucking bellend but surprisingly he didn't reply. Probably busy drafting his legal letter he is sending to me. I am so annoyed at him..NEVER shag your personal trainer. Absolutely no good whatsoever can come of that situation. Take heed children, learn from my mistakes.
Urgh I was telling a little fib just then. I am upset. Not like bursting into celine dion think twice down the phone to Andy every 5 minutes upset....but kicking myself for telling him it was the pt upset. Oh if it wasn't this it would have been something else surely. He must be shagging someone else I can't explain it any other way. Composed a text before sayin "I've been blogging about you and every single one of my readers thinks your a fucking prick, in fact #Andysacunt is trending on twitter"...but thought i best hadnt. Not while he still owes me 70quid.
Going down south next week too. going to see my dream team friends. The dream team is me and 2 other girls. I'll tell you the story of how we met in my next blog. Its a funny old tale involving a lying fat guy.

In a bit


Friday, 20 July 2012

I got Personal Trainers to the left of me, Andys to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with A COB ON

Fuuuuuckin hell what an afternoon! This morning I was awoken at 5am to Andy ringing me ever so excited, he was at the cinema waiting for an early doors screening of the new batman film. Proper decent start to your day getting woken up by batman enthusiasts. Wasn't impressed.
Anyway I went back to sleep and then went off to work before coming home to deal with the Personal Trainer who, over the last few days, has become something of a gobshite.

What's happened is obviously I had to tell him I would no longer be shagging him as I was back with my ex boyfriend. He seemed alright with it, after all, it was he who had stated we were never going to have a relationship etc... Then a few weeks ago he told me he was leaving the gym and setting up his own business doing boot camps in the parks etc. "But what about the rest of my sessions??!!" I said. Don't worry, he said, I'll still be a member of the Gym so I can still come in to train you. Sound I thought, and didn't worry about it.
THEN the other week he text to say he could see me at 7pm in the park! Errrr park? Do I look like the outdoors type to you? No son, GYM I said....and it was then that things started to get messy. He told me if I wanted the rest of my 7 sessions that I was booked for I would have to go to the fucking park to have them!!! So I said hang about there flower, I don't want to go to the park. Aside from the fact its pissing it down, its cold and muddy and there might be bugs about, its miles out of my way, there are no shower facilities and not the same level of equipment and in general unless I could have rest of sessions in the gym as arranged then I would no longer be continuing with the sessions.
Well all hell broke loose! He started texting me telling me I still owed him the money for the sessions I wouldn't be having and I was to send him 235quid or else he was going to sue me! And it was obvious what sort of a person I was! And that he had just punched a wall due to another crap client (meaning me)! All manner of shit!!! So he said I still owed him some money for the sessions we had already had which I worked out to be 50quid. I sent him this 50quid today and text him to tell him. He then sent me a text back saying that unless I sent him 235 quid he will be taking me to court!!!! I rang my solicitor friend and showed her the contract and here is the legal advice I have received:
"There is no termination clause and he doesn't say the location can change. If there is no termination clause and there is a fundamental change ie change of location then you have the right to terminate. Tell him to go and sit on a dildo"
So thats exactly what I did. Apparently I will be receiving some sort of letter in the post in the next few days about how he is taking me to court. Is it just me, or is anyone else thinking this might all be because I won't shag him any more?
While all this was going on Andy rang, He already knew I'd been having problems with the PT and so I told him the latest shit and told him I why I thought it was.
"What? you've shagged your PT????? This is over, don't ever speak to me again"
Is he actually fucking shitting me here?? We wernt even together!! Plus I've already told him Id been the swingers club with him, he must just have forgotten that I said it was with the PT.... Whaaaaaat the fuck anyway I just don't know what to say! So I did the whole you can't be mad at me for something that happened before we were together but he's got a right old cob on and reckons we are over. Now between you and me kids I havent got the fucking patience for this. AND he owes me 70quid because he used my ebay to buy something last week. Reckons he;ll put the money in my account on Monday.
Shall we have a little wager here? Who thinks he's gonna play silly buggers over the money just so as I have got to contact him?? I do
So now I'm in the position where my PT is suing me and my boyfriend has dumped me for shagging my PT before we were together. I've got dudes in prams throwing their toys out at me left right and centre here. Its beyond a joke. So I've gone out and bought a big bag of doritos dippas with salsa and sour cream, a massive dairy milk and a bottle of rose. Fuck this for a game of soldiers!!!

@singlegalabto xxx

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

ok ok so I went to see him...

He called me. Wednesday evening whilst I was in bed watching secret diary of a call girl with a glass of white grenache....the phone started ringing. I was nervous to answer it to be honest. I had already decided in my head he was obviously a fucker and all my inner sensible vibes where screaming NOOOOOOOOOO DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE
...but I did....
"I made a very difficult decision...I had planned on spending a lovely weekend with you and your boy, but then I got a phonecall off my ex to say I could see my daughter. I've not seen her in 8 months, my head was a mess. I'm so sorry I really am I just needed some time to get my head around things I don't know what else to say"
What could I do people?? I love the prick don't I. It could be that this is the truth, it could be that its not. But you have to trust people sometimes. Also, I have no hard evidence to prove he was doing otherwise therefore I have decided on this occasion I am going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"I am so fucked up over this, I don't know what I want....apart from you. I want my girlfriend...thats if I still have a girlfriend or have I fucked that up too..."
He's was making all the right noises. I was very quiet. I had convinced myself it was over and he was dumping me so it was quite strange that he was being so nice. He asked me if I would go and see him so I told him I didnt have the money and then low and behold 70quuid turned up in my bank account for a train ticket. And just like that I was back in the depths of this relationship
Saturday arrived and after work I jumped on the 6.04 virgin pendelino like I have done so many times before. Decided in the interests of cost effectiveness I would not be getting any taxi's whatsoever and so I was re-aquainting myself with the tube once I hit London. Normally I would get a taxi to his place and let myself in, but this time I would have to walk from the station. I arrived...and he was at the station waiting for me...and my heart melted a little bit.
We went back to his apartment and he cooked me dinner, he's a really good cook everything he makes is always gorgeous. I can't even make toast properly its quite embarrasing really. Decent shaggage ensued and then we went to sleep. Just normal coupley stuff really. On Sunday we pissed about in the daytime and he cooked for me again and then after dinner he took me for a walk across Tower Bridge "because he knows im obsessed with it" and he kept saying things like how much he loved me and i'm so right for him and other such stuff that made me go a bit girly and stupid. I am very insecure in this relationship. I think I am just going to have to not jump to conclusions all the time. Its hard though, especially with everything thats happened before. I think its probably best to just go with the flow and see what happens.
Monday morning came and it was time to go home, and it was then that I had the most fucking horrendous trip of my life. I left Andys about 11.15am expecting to catch the 12.07 train from Euston. It would leave me with plenty of time to stock myself up with a burger king and get a few mags for the journey. Unfortunately this was not to be the case. As I arrived at euston I was skipping up the escalator to the beautiful tones of an announcer "due to an incident at hemel hempstead no virgin or london midland services are operating out of euston until further notice,
Some absolute fucking idiot had decided to jump in front of a fucking train and now I was stuck. There was nothing going out of euston, I was told to try Kings Cross for an alternative route. Not being able to face the tube again I decided to walk down the road to Kings Cross only to be sent to St Pancras who, rather helpfully informed me that they could get me home via Sheffield. Sheffield? Are you having a giraffe? Sheffield's, well, I don't even know where Sheffield is but its a fucking Long way from Liverpool I know that much!!! The train to Sheffield would have arrived there at 3.30pm and I then would have had to get another train back. I did some mental maths to work out how long it would realistically take to scrape a dead guy off the tracks and decided I was best staying put in London until the track was operational again. Fuck My Life. I called Andy, he told me hehad gone out!! Ohhhhh great so I was abandoned! I called Ryan...he said yeah honey come round you can stay over here tonight and we can go out! chance I thought, Id end up on a bender before I knew it. So I strolled back down to Euston and founded a refugee camp on the floor of a Sushi bar in there \nd just waited.
It was the right decision, the train for Liverpool left at half 2 and after a slow crawling journey I was back on scouse soil by 6. I had a grudge against suicidal train jumpers and a chest infection, but a warm heart.
So thats the latest kids, we are back together. Well to all intents and purposes we never split up, that was just in my head. I am seeing him again next Thursday as I am off to essex that weekend and I am dropping in on him on the way. Will keep you updated :-)

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Andy missing, presumed dead

Even a wool could work out that our loveable Andy did not "call me later"....I have now decided that he must be dead.
First of all, what the fuck is all this "we need to have a chat" shit about anyway. Its blatantly obvious to me, my friends, and the 3500 people that have read this blog that the @singlegalabto - Andy romance is deader than Michael Jackson. Whats to fucking chat about?? I can't believe for one minute that dozey bastard is sitting there still thinking he's got to "have a chat with me"?? No lad, its alright yano, im like miss fucking marple in situations like this. Save your credit an go and have another stripe.
Second of all, a fuckin boss thing has happened. I watched "the secret" the film last night. I strongly advise everyone to watch it because it tells you how to sort your life right out if its shit. Its all about visualising boss things happening to you and actively thinking positive and shit and then decent things magically start happening to you. I did this a bit the other morning when I was texting my mates telling them what winners they were. Anyway last night I was visualising getting more money and really focused on it, and well bugger me, this morning 2 cheques arrived in the post and also I got a surprise 500quid out of the blue. Tellin ya kids, watch that fucking film or read the book. ITS BOSS. The point of me telling you this was that by the time Id watched the film and Id spent my night thinking positive and being grateful for all the boss shit I have in my life already, I realised that I genuinely could not give 2 flying fucks if Andy rings me or not. In fact I would prefer it if he didnt. I've got nothing to say to the prick and I can't be arsed having to sit there and listen to him blatantly fibbing at me. Because we all know he will do, he'll fib and somehow it'll all be my fault. I can see it now "Soz abar me but I had to go to Tokyo then I got sick then my long lost daughter turned up in my life and all this happened in 24 hours, yano how it is, anyway its all your fault". NO FUCKING TAR.
So with life being sound this morning I skipped off to work with a decent barnet and lashes on and this evening Im re-aquainting myself with the Gym seeing as I've not been for almost 2weeks. See that? Thats Andys fault aswell, missed out because I was down in London the weekend before last and then I was too busy wondering what the fuck was going on last weekend to go. Well tonight its body combat, and I've got the perfect face to imagine im smashing in. Ta ra Andy, hello biceps


Monday, 9 July 2012

Andy Giveth, and Andy Taketh Away

So last night after a pretty decent day all round I was sitting in bed with my family size galaxy and all was well.
Then Andy text..."we need to have a chat"
I felt sick, shaking, angry, horrid. Was this the dumping text/phonecall that I was expecting on Friday?? I rang my mate for some moral support. I really didn't want to have this chat whatever it was. I have concluded myself the relationship is over...even though I don't want it to be. It had been 2 days since the Friday we need to have a chat scenario. Surely the easiest thing to do now if he wanted to end it would be to just never contact me again. I was at a point where I was scared of my own fucking phone.
I decided I would text back..."ok"
I sat down at the kitchen table with 20 lambert and butler, a bottle of smirnoff and waited for the emotional rollercoaster conversation that would probably put me past sleep.
Now seriously this isn't a rethorical question and feel free to tweet me your views on this @singlegalabto I am genuinely asking you. WHAT. THE FUCK.
Is he deliberately trying to fuck with my mind?? Is he sitting at home laughing thinking hahahaha she'll be sat there now expecting me to chat to her and explain to her whats going on. Naaaaa lets keep her on the edge.
Is he mental? Do you think he's forgotten he told me we were to have a chat and is blissfully unaware of my heartache?
Does he just not know what to say? If so, why isn't he changing his number and never speaking to me again like a normal cunt?
what is it?
I went to bed about 11pm and still no text this morning. I have gone against my better judgement here and texted him again:
"Ok so thats twice you have said we need to talk now and so far no chat has materialised. Am I supposed to be starting the chat? If so I have no idea what to say"
I went about my business and about 2 hours later he replied and said " I will call you tonight". So here we are again with the waiting for the dumping phonecall. This is becoming a bit of a joke now isnt it.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Bein ok, the scouse way...

Woke up this morning and the first thing I thought to myself was...


I was doing my own head in being a miserable bastard and today was the day I was going to do something about it.

I reached over to my copy of  " the secret" (which I keep by my bed in case I wake up unable to get out of it due to life being shit) for some positivity. I strongly recommend everyone reads this book as it really does change the way you live your life and pulls you out of some holes should you find yourself in one. A few pages in and I decided because I wasn't really feeling the love at the moment, I was going to share some and make some other people feel good. I text a few of my closest friends and family and individually told them what I loved about them and why I was thankful they were in my life. Within half an hour my phone was dancing off the hook with love and appreciation in return. That wasn't the purpose of my doing it, it made me feel good just remembering whats amazing about these people and made me genuinely happy that I have them. It was a nice side affect to get the same back...I was feeling fucking winning.l
Jumped out of bed and then realised if I was going to recover from this gobshite I needed to stop thinking like a jaded woman and start thinking like a scouser. What would a scouser do in this situation? Whatever it was, she certainly wouldnt be doing it with flat fucking hair.
So after my shower I stood and gave myself a curly blow and lashed the rollers in. I may only have been going to the pics (spiderman day), but a bit of effort is needed in this recovery process, and looking fit is compulsory. With the first dab of vanilla pigment on my brow bones I could immediately feel my inner joy returning, and after creating 2 toned down smokey eyes and a pair of brows to die for I could finally see the hot scouse sexpot that had rocked the swingers club a few weeks earlier re-appear before my eyes. TA RA misery arse, the bitch is back.

Took the baby out for brunch and had delicious manhattan eggs....another scouse the life of luxury in spite of the fact your on the bones of your arse....because we deserve it. Onwards to the cinema where, I have to admit, I fucking loved the film!!! So on the whole today has been a brilliant day. Going to continue sharing the love about with all who are worthy and I am certain good things are about to come my way!!



Saturday, 7 July 2012

An update on the Andy Situation...or lack thereof...

Well today has been nothing short of a shitter. You can tell that from the fact I'm blogging again for the second time today.
Needless to say our Andy didn't get in touch last night, so I have had to face the grim reality that not only did he fuck off, he did it with absoutely no explanation whatsoever...I can only draw my own conclusions. I have outlined a few theories in my earlier post and all of them stem from the fact he is a bad knobhead.

So I moped around for most of the day trying to work out why I give a fuck. Saw something interesting on someones twitter before. It was a girl who is also fighting a battle against a twat of an ex. She said:

"He's not an arse all of the time, hes nice like 20percent of the time.I miss that"

Yes ya see heres the issue, if they were a proper bastard the whole time it would be a no brainer. But they're not ya see. They're proper little angels sometimes. Making me dinner, running me a bath, in fact this time last week he was on the phone to me telling me what an wonderful amazing person I am and how he wants to spend his life with me. Has he gone the full Kerry Katona and added bi-polar to cocaine addiction? Who know's. All I do know is I feel like complete shit and its bang out of order.

It got to about half 4 and I was getting cabin fever, so I decided to go down to the park with my lad to get me out of the house. Lest we forget I am still having to deal with a 5yr old who wants to go and see spiderman so I suppose I'll have to take him the flicks tomorrow. For Fucks Sake. I don't even like spiderman. And you just know I'll be thinkng "you fucking bastard" throughout the whole thing. Still, thats tomorows problem.

Anyway we get to the park and our baby runs off pretending he's doctor who, and I sit down on a bench next to some fat people. One of them was holding a little boy, must have been about 2. There was kids running about everywhere having a ball, and I had taken 50 shades darker to read, it should have been a nice couple of hours out of the house. Then, my brain being the utter wanker that it is, decided to remind me that last time I was in a kids playground it was in London, with Andy, when we had taken his mate's kid to the play area on the way home from the pub. What sort of a tosser is my brain for thinking that was an appropriate thought to have at a time like this? Fuck off brain. Your the one that got us into this mess in the first place.

So all of a suddden I now felt like the park is not the place I wanted to be. I wanted to be at home, in bed, under the covers, hiding from the blatant horric treatment I have been subjected to. That's what is fucking pissing me off you know. It is proving difficult to do the whole "Hold your head up high" when I have been quite obviously been fucked right over. I'm an actual idiot and I think I need a carer or something because I clearly am incapable of making rational decisions when it comes to this dude! Its embarrassing more than anything else! Anyway, I felt like an agrophobic in a field. I needed to run, but how could I bail when we had only been there 15 minutes? I would look like a right miserable cow. All the other mum's would be looking at me as if to say look at that tight bitch dragging him home, he's only just made a tardis out of the slide. Then, the 2year old next to me started to spew up and its fat mother was just letting it. No attempt to divert it into a bin, no attempt to clean up the chunks from the bench with baby wipes, fuck all. She just let this kid spew up all over the show and then walked away. Scruffy fucker. With thoughts of Andy spinning round my head, the fresh smell of vomit swirling up my nose and no obvious excuse to leave, I was starting to feel like I might shed a tear. The situation was critical. I was very nearly sobbing. Like a wierdo. In a kids playground. Surrounded by fat people. And just when I was about to surrender to the pathetic mess gods, the universe threw me a bone. It started to absolutely piss it down. Big fat blobs of rain which meant I could take my lad home without looking like a mean bitch.

So now I'm back home and I'm feeling irritated and sad. I badly want to text him and tell him he's a cunt. Common sense tells me no good will come from this. Surely he's fully aware that he's a cunt anyway? I don't need to remind him of this. He was on about getting me a key cut to his flat on Monday. Fucking 5 days earlier he was getting me a key, and now he's god knows where doing god know's who. WHAT THE FUCK HAS GONE ON?? I hate it when things don't make sense. I need logical reasoning otherwise my brain just doesn't compute the situation. Whats a girl to do ay?

I need to sort my shit out here, I cant be arsed feeling like a miserable fucker for too long, its draining and time consuming and also not really very enjoyable. I need something exciting and fabulous to happen to me ASAP. Before I start texting my ex's.

Blast from the past

Today I got a message on facebook from an ex boyfriend....his name is Chris and he is the reason I have no faith in men whatsoever. I will tell you the story of this toxic relationship if only to serve as a warning to others.

Anyway so I gets a message off him asking how I does this dude have some sort of tracking device on me??

"Attention! Attention!  @ singlegalabto has just had boyfriend related trauma and is vulnerable and needy! QUICK!!! GET IN THERE!!!!!!"

Seriously his timing could not be fucking worse

So I reply pleasantrys and don't give anything away and off he went on his merry way. This dude is not what I need right now. It would defo be out of the frying pan into the fire. He makes Andy look like Saint Andy the patron saint of boyfriends.

It all started with Chris about 4 years ago now. I met him on the internet as it goes. Now i'm not saying there is anything wrong with internet dating however this little rat put me off for life.

We started out having a fuckbuddy relationship which suited me down to the ground. He was a lot fitter back then and I was struggling with self esteem issues so was flattered he seemed so into me. He started telling me he wanted more, and we quickly became a boyfriend and girlfriend set up. It was serious. We even changed our relationship statuses on facebook.

2 weeks in and things were going great. Then one night out of the blue, he was being cagey and strange, he didn't seem to want to talk to me....then on facebook, in front of my eyes, he changed his relationship status to single and deleted me from his friends list. I rang him and rang him, sent him countless texts, he did not reply...

I was inconsolable. At the tender age I was I had only read about the twattish behaviour of men in magazines and watched them on TV. I had never truly believed in them. I mean don't get me wrong I had been out with a collection of fuckwits in the past, but they were fuckwits in that they couldnt look after themselves, or they were selfish or bla bla....there feelings for me where never in question, they were just knobheads in other areas.

I was completely shell shocked and cried for about 3 days. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and decided the best thing to do would be to slag the prick off all over my facebook. I called him all jeremy kyle cunts going, and I knew his friends would see it as they were still on my friends list.

On the 3rd night I was attending a party and I looked down at my phone. To my shock and amazement Chris had text me. It said ...."Well Well Well,,,,,looks like I was right not to trust you. How could you do this?".

Sorry, What? What have I done???!!!! I text him back and say done what?! He replied and said I was out of order for slagging him off all over facebook. Quick as a flash I snapped back "Well what do you expect you dumped me for no reason and with no explanation, you deserved it!!!"
"What are you talking about? I didn't dump you?" - Chris text me back
"Erm yes you did you changed your facebook status to single and deleted me!!!!!" I said

Now watch very carefully what happened next, for it is very eash to dismiss this as ridiculous as an outsider looking in, but I am truly convinved this dude was messing with my mind which was why I was unable to get out of this relationship for 2 years, and this was the start of it

"Just because something happens on facebook doesn't mean its real...did I dump you? Did we have a conversation? I just needed space. For fucks sake your obsessed with facebook"

Every argument I tried to give about this, he made to sound stupid. He would say why would he just dump me with no reason? He just needed a couple of days space. It had only been a couple of days. I was obsessed and clingy...and somehow slowly but surely he wore me down and in the end he had me convinced that he was right, I was crazy and I needed to calm down....I was apologising....I was feeling helpless like I had fucked the whole relationship up, and that I would need to work very hard to regain his trust.

The next few weeks he said he didn't want to get back to boyfriend and girlfriend status again, becase he couldn't trust me, and I would have to prove myself, and somehow my self esteem was so low I believed this. My inner conscious was screaming at me to get out, as were all my friends, but I felt almost scared to be on my own...I needed him.

During the course of our relationship he appplied to be a male escort behind my back. "Whats the big deal?? Its only going for dinner. Don't you trust me?"... I'm also fairly certain he stole 100 from out of my bank. My bank card went missing, and 100 was withdrawn from a cash machine by my house at 2am....just the time he had left my house to go home that evening. Of course I could never prove it, and he denied it...was I going mad? He was also cheating on me...a lot...

It was only when it got to about 2 years down the line and I suspected he was shagging someone else....again. I had always had suspicions and they had of course been shotuted down in favour of making me think I was crazy. The girl in question this time was heavily pregnant with another dudes kid and Chris was saying to me "Do you really think i'd do her??? behave yourself"...I was an emotional wreck with it all and it took my best friend to step in. She grabbed my phone off me one day and said "right i'm sorting this"...she sent the girl a message on facebook from my account saying:

 "Hi, have you been sleeping with chris? its just because I have been sleeping with him and I think he might be playing us. Thanks"

I felt sick....I didn't want to know the answer, but when the answer came and the reality of the "yes I am" hit me, it was the shock I needed to finally wake up, and I was also furnished with the anger I needed to help me through the difficulty of breaking away.

"You Lying Nasty Horrible Cheating AIDS riddled little CUNT" I text him....he sent me a few texts back saying what the fuck? And then a few accusing me of being crazy and a trouble causer, but I was halfway over it and his taunts did not affect me. Don't get me wrong, it took me about 6 months to finally get over him, and that was because I met my ex mark (the one who got scared about the facebook wall post) but I managed to get there.

Now as unhealthy and horrendous as this relationship was, I credit him with teaching me all about what to look out for in a controlling abusive relationship. Because I do believe what he was doing to me was emotional abuse. I also owe a lot of my brilliant sex moves to him, as it was with him I perfected my skills. He gave me a sexual awakening. Perhaps that was half the reason I stayed. I also used to think that I used to somehow get off on the emotional pain he inflicted on me. It was almost like I was in an S and M relationship with him. He was hurting me, and I didn't leave. I think there was something definately sexual about it. Otherwise why would I stay? I'm still not sure to this day.

If he contacts me I do still talk to him. I am completely over it now and it is a joyous feeling when I speak to him that I feel absolutely nothing at all.

Oh and I have not heard from Andy at all....looks like I am to assume I was to dump myself then. FUUUUMING!!!

Friday, 6 July 2012


By the way, I've made this blog a little twitter counterpart, feel free to follow for updates on my shennanigans @singlegalabto


Right so I am absolutey ready to commit a murder here, in a nutshell, the cheeky cunt has dumped me!!!!!!

Let me start from the beginning, so all was well after the last visit I told you about, I went down again 2 weeks later and again everything was great. Aquired a nice links of london bracelet which I am now considering to be spoils of war and everything was just lovely. To the point where he was on about me taking my little boy down next time I go (due to be yesterday) and he would take us out for dinner and take my lad to see the spiderman film and in general be lovely and amazing.

I was feeling happy for the first time in ages. What an absolute tit I am, have I forgotten the cuntish behaviour of last time???? I thought it was suspicious he was being so nice. He had gone from nought to tasty in the blink of an eye...and now things where about to change.

Anyway so on Wednesday night I get a phonecall from him saying he might have to go to Tokyo this bullshit alarm bells, sirens and sos flares where all going off like mad. Tokyo? You fucking shitting me? Anyway not one to go diving straight in with the "what the fuck" convo I smile sweetly and say ok let me know. He say's he should know by 1pm Thursday and he will ring me on my dinner hour. The last thing he says to me is ok baby speak to you tomorrow, love you. CUNT.

Thursday lunch time phone call. So I text and say what is occuring? He says "im sick in bed" is it just me, or is this fucker taking the piss? So I ring him and he says he's sick and he will call me later on in the evening.

Evening comes, no phonecall. I am sitting in the house with a very excited 5year old thinking hes going to London to see spiderman and so I send a text saying look can you just let me know either way whats happening as I need to know what to tell our reply

So this morning I am absolutely fucking furious, its one thing letting me down but its quite a different kettle of fish to let my son down. I am thinking he must have either shagged off on Wednesday night or more than likely gone and got absolutely wasted on a massive bender and will  now be rattling round his apartment trying to locate his jaw. Still trying to maintain peaceful talks, because im a dickhead like that, i ring him and leave a voicemail saying hiya just a bit concerned you are dead, suspecting you must have been on a bender, ring me when your alive I just wanna know your ok. Text back straight away "can you come tomorrow instead". Now Im thinking I want to salvage this weekend if only for my sons sake. I dismiss the idea he might have cheated on me, I have to trust him if I want to be with him I thought. He must have been on a bender, This is not acceptable, however in the name of making my son happy I will let it go. I text back "feeling a little worse for wear are we?! I guess so, I might drive"

The fucking cheeky cunt texts me back "Im not worse for wear you arsehole, Im with my daughter you know what forget the whole thing! goodbye!"...

What. The. Fuck

So I text back and say "why not just say that in the first place instead of lying to me for 2 days"

He texts back "Look Im through with this, im sorry i don't want this" and then again "I wasn't lying carl went to tokyo instead" (carls his business mate thingy)
Anyway we have texts back and forth like this and he calls me a dick and then I say look you could have just said you were seeing your daughter and you have to cancel, I would have understood.... And then I said I am not the enemy, I think the world of you you muppet....He texts back, yeah that is what we need to talk about. So I say "whats that then" and he says "I will speak to you this evening"....So I said "is the jist "somethings happened over the past 2 days and I dont want to be with you anymore" AND THE FUCKING CHEEKY BASTARD HASNT REPLIED

Right, now, forgive me If i'm wrong, but have I been completely mugged off here or what. First of all the prick goes awol for 2 days and lets not only me but my little lad down, THEN the bastard calls me an arsehole which I very much take offence to. THEN the nasty vile obnoxious little shit basically tells me he's gonna dump me, this evening.....ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So whats going to happen then? Is he going to text me and tell me he's dumping me this evening? Is he going to call me and tell me he's dumping me? Is he just not going to do fucking anything and am I to dump myself using the evidence I am presented with??? Everytime my phone goes I feel sick. Got a text before, and I thought it was going to be the dump text, and so I sat myself down, prepared myself,,,,and it was the fucking personal trainer telling me he was horny. NOW IS NOT THE TIME  LAD, FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed off. The way I see it one of 3 things has happened here. He's either shagged off on Wednesday night, he's been and gone on a complete and utter drug spree and doesn't know what day of the week it is, or he genuinely is upset about seeing his daughter (He's not seen her in ages, try not to ask). Either way though, surely he has been a complete and utter gobshite to me and if anyone should be dumping anyone it should be me dumping him!!!!!!!!!

This is the problem isn't it kids, I love him. I fucking bastard love the prick. And I don't know why. So now I've got to sit here like a fucking idiot and wait for a "you've been dumped" text that might or might not even fucking arrive. Oh god what if he calls?? I hope thats not the case. I'll get upset. What if he doesn't do anything and I have gone from "baby I love you" Wednesday night to this with absolutely no warning, reason, or anything. Its got to be another bird surely? No one goes from hot to cold that quick without reason. Oh my god I feel ashamed for myself seriously why am I even fucking arsed