New year, new me

Yeah yeah I know it's a cliche but this year has been hands down the worst year of my entire life. Tragic deaths (plural) horrific mind fucking boyfriends, depression, ex boyfriends providing continued stress and in general it's just been awful. I don't know what I expect to happen come midnight tonight but psychologically I think I will feel better knowing the year of awfulness has finally finished.
That being said 2012 has provided me with a few highlights aswell. The night I spent In Doncaster with Andy was amazing, all be it yes we know he is a fucking arsehole but that night in donny was hot hot hot and I think that's where I started to fall for him. Ibiza with the girls was the best holiday iv had in years! Got laid twice while I was there too which is always a bonus. I discovered the joy of the gym where I also met and fucked a personal trainer - always a winner. I went to a swingers club for the first time so that was a nice change. Had a great holiday with my family in Portugal. I got sweet revenge on Andy for all his wrong doing. I met a lovely dude and had a bit of a 3week affair and I didn't put that much weight on over Xmas.
Yes the new guy - so basically he is missing presumed fucking someone else. Last I heard off him was about 3 days ago when I text him and asked him if he was coming round and he replied and said no he was washing his hair (or something as equally ridiculous) and so I said ok no probs and I haven't heard from him since!!!!!! So it is with deep regret I have had to pack his little overnight bag, put him on the boat and send him to the island of lost men. I am most upset about this as I really did like him but what choice do I have? I can't really text him can I because if he wanted to speak to me he would have text me. Well that's what I think anyway. So I haven't text him and he hasn't text me.
So what does @singlegalabto do in the situation where she has been shagged n swerved at fucking Christmas? She makes alternative fucking arrangements of course. Scanning through my facebook friends list for a new recruit is as easy as picking sweeties out of a sweetie shop and I have already lined up 3 replacements. Thing is though, none of these dudes excite me. I'm really getting to the stage where I would like a boyfriend now. I liked that dude and I am a bit gutted about the swervage situation because I think he genuinely was a nice lad and he made me laugh and stuff. Oh well. If nothing else he speeded up my recovery after Andy which can only be a good thing because I literally have absolutely no feelings for him now whatsoever. I believe everyone comes into ur life for a reason. Maybe that was the new guys reason, to get me over dickhead?? Who knows. What would you do?
Another thing that's happened this year is I finally have the confidence to cut people out of my life that bring me down! Before I was a total pushover and would let people treat me appallingly and get away with it. Now though, if u do anything to me I will just cut you free! Amazing how much carefree your life is when you don't have people in it who try and bring you down. Selfish self absorbed dickheads have all been culled this year and it really has made me so much happier. Made me wonder why I didn't do it sooner.
To summarise I have had a shit year, a lot of people died, a couple of boys tried to fuck with me, however I am still here and I am looking forward so much to next year free of dickheads. I wonder who I will fall in love with next? This time last year I didn't even know who Andy was. I wonder who I will fall in love with between now and next year. Because I can garantee you there will be someone there always is! I always think it's mad how things pop up out of the blue. This time last month I actually didn't even know who the new guy was and look how much I liked that one! Perhaps he'll throw the anchor down in his boat tonight and send me a happy new year text and it won't be over....here's hoping....but if not iv got a boy toy, a 6ft fair haired dude and an older guy all chomping at the bit for me so I'm not going to lose any fucking sleep over it haha!!

Happy new year everyone xxx


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Steaming

Oh my god I am so fucking horny. Like ridiculously horny. Like falling back into old habits and getting my vibrator out 10 times a day horny. And that's no exaggeration.
I had to put myself on a sex toy ban about a year ago because it was literally getting beyond a joke and it was getting to the point that it was desensitising me and I couldn't cum without it. So I put myself on a ban and it was fingers only and that was much better I was down to just a normal 3 wanks a day and the orgasms where better.
However when I started knockin about with the new guy we did a few sexting sessions and my nails where shit so I thought oh fuck it il get the old rabbit out itl look better and now here I am back on the bandwagon I can't put the fucking thing down. Situation had been made a million percent worse by the fact I ain't seen the new guy in a week which means I therefore haven't been laid in a week which means I am climbing the fuckin walls and I'm replacing batteries left right and centre!!!!!! Oh my good lord this will not do this will not do at all!
New guys been on about wanting to do a 3sum. What is it with dudes and 3sums seriously at the minute. Anyway I wasn't all that keen and told him I was beginning to feel like a booty call and now it's looking like iv cut my shag off to spite my face!!!!! Sad times. Anyway consequently I am now like a raging horny lunatic. In fact I'm like a BLOKE!!!
Funny thing is some other randomer wants to do a 3sum with me and our @scousebabe888 in march now I don't know if he's full of shit or an axe murderer or a nutcase or what but If I was going to do a 3sum with anyone I'd be more inclined to do it with the randomer than the new guy because I'd just get pissed off with it with the new guy I know I would, he's like a dog on heat god love him and I'm having a crisis of confidence over my performance with him as it is, because, between you and me i have been TERRIBLE...well not terrible but wayyyyyy below par for my normal standards I don't know what the fuck is up with me ha! So yeah anyway I told him I was beginning to feel like a booty call and I think I may have inadvertently made him think that automatically means I want him to be my full on boyfriend in love get married and grow old when that's not what I meant I just meant I think a fucking trip to the pictures might be nice in amongst all the shagging!!! Bloody men ay! Always jumping to the wrong conclusions! Or maybe he's just gone off me. That's always a possibility I am a bit of a bellend. Or maybe he's just been busy with it being Xmas and I just can't see that because im blinkered by the fact I'm steaming and I haven't got a shag at my beck and call 24/7!!!!!!!!!
So what's a girl to do in a situation like this. Il just have to crack on with my rabbit and see what happens. I really don't want to have to pack the new guy off to the island of lost men because I do actually quite like the guy but I ain't a booty call and I ain't playing second fiddle to anyone else so it may be inevitable if I don't get laid fucking imminently.

Blow Jobs

"Easy? You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing."

This week I would like to take a comprehensive look at the art of a blow job. It has been a point of discussion with our Suzie this evening because neither of us are really all that confident in our noshing ability. Whilst I would imagine we aren't totally shit at it I would certainly say it wasn't a key strength.
Having said that lets just say my protein intake has increased 5 fold this week so I must be doing something right.
The thing with blow jobs is you aren't getting any excitement yourself so all you are concentrating on is the enjoyment of your dude which means your attention is all on it. Also and I am sure this is the same for girls too but every dude likes it different. Some like it hard. Some like it gentle. Some like it rough, some like it with some twisty hand action and some like it to include deep throat and gagging and choking noises. So how do you fucking know if your doing it right???
I personally respond well to praise. If I'm doing it right, fucking tell me I'm doing it right, or I may assume he's bored and stop. Blokes seem to love blowjobs (although not all, some of them say they can't come from them, avoid these blokes like the plague as they will do fuck all for your ego and confidence trust me).
I would say I have picked up something of a technique over the course of my sexually active life but I really would appreciate feedback. I bet there are plenty of dudes who think they have a perfect oral sex technique but the amount of orgasms I have faked over the years suggests they probably aren't as good as what they think they are.
In my humble, amateur, novice, blind leading the blind opinion I would like to share the 2 main things I believe must be included in all my blow jobs. Firstly you need a lot of lubrication, normally spit will do the trick but if you've got a mouth like gandys flip flop then durex strawberry lubricant is my saving grace. In fact I think I may have just renamed my blowies @singlegalabto's special strawberry sucks. Decent. Secondly and I think crucially is you must always always appear to be absolutely LOVING giving the fucking blowjob. Even if you are bored to tears your jaws aching, your teeth are beginning to make a mark on the inside of your mouth and you are going dizzy, you have GOT to make out there is nothing you would rather be doing. You LOVE that cock and you WANT that cum. Eye contact tends to go down a treat too.
Oh and I have also learned that its not all about the willy. You got to give them balls attention too they all love that. You have to see the whole picture. I don't know if maybe I'm just shit at blow jobs or I haven't got the patience to actually go the whole way using oral action alone but I would say I am fairly certain I wouldn't get anywhere if I didn't add a bit of hand work into the mix. Yano where you kind of make your hand an extention of you mouth, do a few rwisty motions, they love all tha.
This is about as far as I have got with my blow job repetoir so far. I do have a few more tricks up my sleeve. I haven't quite worked out how naughty this dude is yet so its hard to know how far down my wrongun road it is to appropriate to go. Its so HARD (hehe) when you sleep with someone new to know whats ok and what isn't!! This is why I can't abide one night stands I like to perfect my performance and deliver a show stopper at all times but I find I don't normally start showing my full potential until like the 4th or 5th time. Im shy you see. I know that sounds like utter bollocks and perhaps I have in fact made that up. Maybe I lack confidence. Yes thats probably more the problem fucking shy who am I kidding, but yeah it takes me a couple of goes to build up to my full potential.
So the rest of my tricks then...I don't wanna say deep throat because although I will certainly give it a bloody good go, sometimes I just can't do it and almost fear I may vomit, but yes I do think it is important to get as much of that love length down your throat as you possibly can. They all love it. And don't worry too much about making wierd gagging noises because they all fucking love that too. OR DO THEY?? I dunno....but whenever I've done it in the past they get even harder so I'm thinking thats a yes?They don't fucking tell you though do they. What I could really do with is start leaving feedback forms at the side of my bed next to the cum tissues. I know some of them defo love it, gag noises, bits of spit coming out of your mouth, watering eyes, all that. But I would imagine that is probably not for all?? Fuck knows seriously I have no idea what I am doing.  
You really need to start venturing a bit further south aswell if you really are going to deliver the blow job to end all blow jobs.
Here is what I have learned
They all fucking Love it
But none of them like to own up to it.
It is a well established fact that if you have been at that blow job or indeed shag for an extended amount of time and they are on the brink but just aren't cumming, then a cheeky finger to the back door will have them exploding like the bellagio fountains themselves in a matter of seconds. Game Over.
BUT what really is the protocol here? If you ask them beforehand and they are not sexually open you can guarantee they will say no. But is it just rude to just go for gold?? My general opinion is if I haven't got to the stage where I can openly discuss all
aspects of sex with a guy then its probably not going anywhere and therefore they don't deserve the full amazingness of that final little treat. I have never just dived in without a prior discussion though. I mean I think I would probably die if they jumped up afraid.
Having said all that about it being one of my main development area's, I have to admit that when I am doing it right and I know I am doing it right and there is orgasms a plenty and smiley face's all round then yes I actually do fucking love giving blow jobs. Only when I know I'm doing well though. It's like anything really. I enjoy work when I'm doing well. I enjoy cleaning when I'm doing it well and everythings spotless. I enjoy the fucking gym when I am smashing it. So yes If I'm giving a nosh and its hit the jackpot then I am more than happy to dish them out like sweeties.
Spit or Swallow? Well that's really a judgement call but they all bloody love a swallower so there's no point in thinking they don't.

Thats about all I have to say on the matter. Thoughts and experiences are welcomed

xx

@singlegalabto gets a new guy....

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WINTER DUDE ALLOWANCE

This week has been a bit of a mad one, had murder with the baby's dad this week over one thing and another and so I went mad and basically broadcast a load of his deep dark secrets all over the place. That couple with the Andy terrorisation I have established myself as queen of the ex girlfriends from hell. I have decided I will continue to terrorise Andy until it stops becoming hillarious as it is not just basically an excuse for me and my mates to have a laugh. We did another corker this week but I don't want to write about it on here yet because I have got a sneaky feeling he reads this blog and I don't want to spoil the surprise for him but lets just say that boy is going to rue the day he ever slagged off my son and I think he's pretty much going to have to change his number and move house to get away from my deluge of terror that I have implemented. Cunt

Because the week was so mad and I had spent it being extra angry with one prick and another I decided a few orgasms where the order of the day, so I rang up the old flame who I have now decided I am recycling again and although we couldn't actually get out to have a proper fuck due to childcare etc we had a cyber shag over the skype and it was boss. Cyber shagging is underated. Your guarunteed an orgasm because ur doing all the moves but at the same time its totally hot and plus you get to feel that naughty just been fucked feeling especialy if you are shagging someone your not really supposed to be.

Question. If you have a boyfriend and you cyber shag someone over skype is that cheating?

Its not for me, its for a friend. HA!

Right so the old flame is back on, naughty naughty, have half arranged a fuck date for Tuesday or Wednesday BUT heres the thing I have been asked out on a date on Tuesday and now my brother wants to see me on Wednesday because its my birthday on Friday and he is away then so what do I do? Can't fuck my brother off because birthday dinner with the fambo is tradtion, do I swerve the date and go with the guarunteed fuck OR do I swerve the fuck and go on the date??? I think I'm gonna swerve the fuck and go on the date to be honest. The fuck will probably still be there after the date. God its COMPLICATED being single sometimes and having to juggle all your dudes I don't know how full time players manage it. Mind you saying that I have only met 3 what I would consider to be genuine bona fide full time players and they were all unemployed. Mad isn't it hahaha.

The little boy child disappeared for a week or two...well actually I think I got distracted by pictures of the old flames cock and forgot to return his messages but he's back texting me again now. He's jobless and skint and I said I refused to shag him unless we went for a drink first because I can't remember much about him and well that drink has never materialised.What the fuck does he keep texting me for if he's not interested in getting down to it what does he think I am a fucking penpal? Experience tells me he's probably got a bird and only texts me when he's bored. Well thats fair enough as I only speak to him when I'm bored too but if that's the case lay your cards on the table from the outset and get on with making me cum. For fucks sake. Amateurs. He's got till the end of the month to knob me or he's getting crossed off the books.

Oilriggers all over it with the texts too harping on about wanting to meet up halfway between Liverpool and London for a shag and asking me when I'm next down in London, see its hard really because he could see I was down in London regularly and was always asking to see me and I was always making excuses because I was actually down there seeing Andy you know how it is, now I'm thinking I should have made my excuses to Andy one night and gone and seen the oilrigger at least I would have had a decent shag but you don't do ya when your in good girl mode. Note to self never get in good girl mode its shit. I'll have to make a special trip to see him I suppose. If I get proper in need of a decent fuck and I have exhausted all my options then I'l go and see him but be arsed with the virgin pendalino otherwise. It wouldn't be so bad if he was in central London but he's out in the sticks proper south east London its a pain to get to in fact Id probably have to drive which is vile.

Right who else is there, oh god yes sexy sex on the beach Robbie and I had a little heart to heart on Saturday night while we were both twisted texting saying I was never far from his thoughts and maybe we could try and give it a go. Don't tempt me sexy sex on the beach Robbie, I would drop everything and be there in an instant but he's happy living in Spain and while I don't mind long distance relationships I think I plane commute is taking the piss a bit. Why can't he just move to Liverpool haha!! He's amazing you know, best sex ever and also just a really really nice guy thats fit as fuck and has a look of danger in his eyes. He really would be perfect for me. Fucking stupid bastard Spain.

I've applied to be a honey trap girl and all. Basically what it is is women pay you to go and try and seduce their husbands to see if they will cheat or not. Seems like easy money to me. Might even start webcaming too after my skype sesh last week because I'm fucking boss at it, its money for old rope and I'm skint. IMAGINE!! Remember I said the dude in work had asked me out? Well he failed to impress me with his sintillating conversation so he's been swerved. I think he's gutted but I can't arsed wasting time on people not giving me the fanny gallops I've got a busy life.

Right that's all for now, not really got much to say but had 3 different people message me today saying they were turkeyin for a blog so ya gotta keep the kids happy haven't ya. Gonna go and have a glass of wine now its almost 3.30pm x

Revenge is Sweet!!!!!

I am on top of the world!!!! Today my dear Andy showed exactly how much I'd got to him! He stayed silent when Allan sent him the message telling him what a fat cunt he was! He remained mute when I named and shamed him in the blog and you lot started slating him which caused him to switch off his twitter. Today however, today was the day that he finally got so fucking pissed off he actually picked the phone up and text me.

I can't express how much this means. Iv been itching for a reaction out of this cunt since the word go and while I knew how much the blog and twitter in particular would have wound him up I had to enjoy it from afar as I knew he would never want to let me know how much he was annoyed. Poor little love just couldn't control himself any longer today though and whilst I was trying out my new mascara this afternoon I got a text from a number I don't have in my phone...

Andy: "So what exactly have you gained from hacking my e-mails"

Scratched my head for a moment, what the fucks he on about? Then I realised.....he must have got the email confirmation that his roller disco's been cancelled!!!!!!!!!!! He must have booked it over email and then when he's seen the email back he must have just assumed I was in his emails! Over fucking joyed!!!!!

Me "hacked your emails??!!!! I haven't!!!!!"

Andy "my whole network has been compromised and I traced the IP address to Liverpool"

Oh yeah alright fucking mark zuckerberg! His network consists of his MacBook, his telly, his play station and his Xbox. We aren't exactly talking the fucking CIA. What's happened has his fucking Xbox sent a coded SOS message to the Feds and now they are all hot footing it up the m6 to apprehend the cyber threat hacker extraordinaire that is @singlegalabto who it transpires breaks down firewalls in her spare time?! Fucking tit!!!

Me "not guilty!!"
"Can't take credit for the I'm afraid!!"
"Why would I hack your emails when I can cause trouble so much more efficiently in other ways!"

Ohhhh god he was livid!!!

Andy" for fucks sake just leave it"

Me "because believe me, you slagged off my son and now it transpires your shagging a child with red hair, I'm just warming up. I will make you wish you had never been fucking born"
"No need to reply this is not a conversation!!!!!!"

OOOOOOOHHHH whipped by his own fucking put down!!!!!!! Love it! I was almost weeing wit excitement!!!!!!!

Andy "all this for a break up god!!!! Are you really that petty"

Me "no, all this because you slagged off my son. And yes, I care about my son more than life. Haven't you got a roller disco to be getting ready for?.....Cunt"

Andy " and that child has been in my life 3 years longer than you. Ok il take these threats on board"

Me " SAVILLE ON SKATES!!!!!!"

Andy "she's 20"

Me "she's not love she's 19"
"Look I'm driving, I can't enjoy this conversation as much as of like, why don't you go and make sure no ones slashed the tyres on your roller skates and il go about my business"

Andy " and you think this is normal behaviour by you is it!"

Me "stop texting me it's only making everyone laugh in the car"

"And yes, it's perfectly normal. You slagged off my son, therefore I am by default now going APE SHIT and I won't stop until you really really really really regret it! Told you I'm just warming up! Funny fucker aren't I! You might thing I'm crazy, thousands more think I'm a fucking hero! Your opinion is negligible. Fucking roller disco birthday party it still cracks me up!!!!!! Bellend!!!!!!!"

Andy " what are you on about"

Andy "I'm not even bothered"

Me "oh but you see you are! You so fucking furious you have actually fucking text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He's going nuts and I love it!!! The absolute icing on the cake is that when we rang them up to cancel we put my gay mate on the phone and he told them he was cancelling the party because he had just come of the closet to his girlfriend and he thought she might turn up at the party so he best cancel it! And the woman at the skate park was like oh yes that's probably wise!! And we said that because it was short notice that aswell as the 50quid deposit they should take another 50for the inconvenience!!!!!! So now even of he rings up and says oh my mad ex girlfriend cancelled my party they are going to be like oh yes you did mention that and they will think he's gay!!!!!!!! It's so funny I can't stop laughing!!! This is hands down my favourite break up of all time!!!!! Fucking cunt!!!! Happy birthday Andy!!!!!!!!

I can pull of psycho ex like no other! You can say what you want to me but slate my son or family and you are going down and you can take your skates with you!!!!!!

Until next time!! Xxxxxx




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Can't Cope, Won't Cope!

So as you may have gathered from my little twitter fumage last night, I had fucking right titty lip on and it was all because of...ANDY!!!!!!!!!
Don't even ask me why I was speakin to him but he said I was "like a cancer" and referred to my son as "that fucking wierd kid of yours"
F U M I N G
Now I have to say the whole like a cancer comment didn't bother me all that much because he is generally a cunt and therefore I don't care what he thinks of me, but what sort of warped twisted piece of shit slags off a 5 year old child please? I felt sick with rage. I actually do believe if I had been near him I could have quite easily stabbed him to death with a big fuck off knife and I am not saying that to be dramatic I really did feel so sick and angry by that fucking comment I could have happily murdered him and whatsmore I would have thoroughly enjoyed it.
It was like a red mist of rage had come down over me. I was ready to bounce down to his house and start fucking shit up. I was in shock and awe at the level of cuntness being displayed by this prick that I just couldn't gather my thoughts as to what would be the best way destroy him slowly and painfully.
I had a kit kat and mulled it over.
Decided that whilst pre-meditated murder would probably have satisfied my need to harm him, it probably wasn't worth doing time over. I also couldn't message him back as I had deleted all his number and messages in my fit of rage after sending some half arsed your a gobshite message back. I was feeling so pissed off that I hadn't thought of something decent to say in time and he was well and truly winning left right and centre. Offensive.
Decided to have a chat with the one person guaruntee to cheer you up in a situation like this.
Your dramatic gay mate.
"The little smelly cunt" was Allans reaction
"I know" I said, "Sweaty, fat wonky toothed, adhd, drug addict little rat"
"See so just ditch the bitch! leave him to his meaningless shags and his pathetic little non entity of a life, From what you have told me he was genuinely a fuckin LOSER"
"I really wanna tell him that he's a bad cunt" I said
" tell him his dad's Jimmy Saville an as a dead man he can Fix it for you beyond the grave better than he ever could with his one inch pinch the smelly grock! " was Allans reply. He really does have a way with words that boy.
I decided to own up to the severity of the situation by sending Allan a link to Andys facebook page so he could see for himself what fucking mess he actually was.

Allan: "i cant see his pics properly but thes one I can see he looks like a fuckin holy show... wtf, skateboy?... Ang on, how old's he? absoloute first class wanker!!!

ya can tell by his pics he thinks hes a teenager"

Me: "yeah right all his new mates are pure kids yeah skater boy hes 25 an his mates are about 15-182

Allan "you shock me"

"what were u doin with that"

Me "i know its bad isnt it2

Allan "very bad"

"were u feelin okay?"

Me "no!"

"he ordered a gram to sit and watch newsnight once"

Allan "LOL cringe on him! seriously

no hoper"

So we decided that while it was probably better to be the bigger person and just walk away from the situation, I really was so upset by the attack against my child that a cheap shitty message in his direction would make me feel an awful lot better!! As I had already got him to block me on facebook the other month and I had deleted all his numbers etc I had no way of doing this. Luckily, Allan was on hand to step in!

"oh it hasnt got the option to message only subscribe or add friend, I promise u
hang on

ive added him LOL
when he accepts WATCH LAD"

Me "ohhhh fuckin hell! yano what else is offendin me eyeballs? hes a 25 conservative voter white male from grimsby....why does he keep referring to everything as "sick"? x

Allan: "tryna fit in wid da boyssss!!! DAT IS SICK BOIII!!! fat ming x"

We sat an had a gab for a bit when Allan said "hes rejected the request LOL"

Not to worry, I said, he's got a page set up for his imaginary skate company hes created, we'll just write on that wall!!! Allan had a secret facebook he'd made to stalk ex's so he logged in on that an posted on the wall of the page and then then had a look on his own profile!! Proper pathetic kids we were, I was fucking loving it!!

Allan "OOer the post has gone and I swear down on my nieces life I didn't delete it. He must have."

Me "shut uppppppp

hahhahahahahahahahahaha

Allan "have a look if its there I cant see it"

Me"no i cant see it!!! did u write it on the actual wall of the page?! haaaaa!!!! xx"

Allan "yeah I wrote it on the wall an see at the side where it's got the list of wallposts? it was there a second ago. He's deleted it he must have xx

oh am gonna log back into the other profile to see if hes messaged it LOL xx"

Me "hahahaha abrilliant|!!!!!! xx"

Allan now on his other profile "wtf i cant see it xx"

Me: "can you cope?! coz i cant!!!! xx"

Allan "haha can't cope wont cope! xx"

it might show up soon I dunno. I can see the other posters messages but not mine!! xx

Me "haaaaa funnyyyyyy oh i dont get it. Just message to the page and then wel call it a night ay"

So thats what he did. We sent a stupid childish low blow insulting message to a gobshite. Amount of childish patheticness of the action? 100million. Amount of Fucks given: 0 So he can take his wonky teeth and his drug addiction and his adhd and his skates and actually go and fuck off.

 xxx

Sorry, no shags here

Saturday night, it should have been oh so simple.

Had a family meal planned in the Orchid Garden in West Derby which is an amazing Chinese resteraunt. I should have been at home in bed by 11pm. It should have been a very civilsed evening.

So what happened?

Well I hadn't had a drink in ages and was really looking forward to a glass of wine so I bought myself a bottle. After I had drunk this I went on to consume to vodka diet cokes, and by the time it came to be home time I came up with the brilliant idea of going to meet my mates in the pub for a drink....famous last movements.

Met my mates at last orders and we then decided to get a carry out from the pub and head back to one of their houses. You know how this goes down don't ya. Go back to your mates with a shit load of ale...etc...and sit up till all hours putting the world to rights. 5.30am swings by and the hosts of the party decide its bedtime and its time for a taxi home.

Bladdered, alone but strangely still in the mood to drink I arrived home to discover the new neighbours that had just moved in appeared to be having a party. Was I annoyed at the racket? Was I worried about the fact there might be party animals moving in? No, was I fuck, I was overjoyed at the fact I had a new party to attend. Never mind the fact I had never met these people in my life, I was absolutely over the moon and was plotting on how I could score myself an invite.

This is the sort of knobhead I am ya see.

So I go out in the back garden to fuck about putting the bin out as ya do at stupid o'clock on a sunday morning and it wasn't long before my new neighbour invited me in for a drink. So round I go to discover my new neighbours party is in fact him and all his dude mates sitting playing the playstation and here I am in a house full of blokes. Oh god.

So I sit and have a drink and then the next thing I know is the new dudes girlfriend comes bouncing down the stairs and immediately starts giving me evils! "Hiya, Im your new neighbour" I say, trying to be warm and friendly to my new residents, she does not seem impressed. She goes into the kitchen to kick off on her fella and I get the impression I am no longer welcome at my new neighbours housewarming!!

So I say "Right I think I'm gonna go" and she says "I think you should!"
Oh my god Im in trouble now!!!
The look on my face must have said it all because she followed it up with a "Only coz I'm throwing all these out aswell"...
So back home I go with my vodka I have stolen from the party and the next thing there is a knock at the door and it turns out its a dude who was at the party. Do I send him away? Do I ignore him? No I invite him in for a drink! This is how up for a party I was at this point! So in he comes with a vodka and orange and proceeds to sit on my sofa and tell me how fit I am. Yes mate, thats a given.

After half an hour of this it starts to dawn on me that this dude thinks he's getting laid. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not the case and I don't just shag people I've only just met 2 hours ago....(...unless I am reaaaally horny or reeaaallly depressed and need to validate my life by feeling wanted and sexy etc etc but I think I got over that phase about 2 years ago to be honest)...and oh god love him he tried and tried for hours and hours. I am going to share with you some of the highlights of what party dude came out with during our friendly drink together:

"Your amazing"
"I think we have a real connection"
"I have never met anyone like you before"
"I want to have kids with you"
"I think I need to be with a more mature girl like you than some of the girls I normally meet" - took personal offence to this, is he saying i'm OLD??? I'm fucking 27.
"I love you"
"I will wait for you"
"I will change for you"
"I'll get a job for you" - personal favourite.

Seriously. Do girls actually fall for this shit? I know I do tend to normally (if a little fooishly) believe dudes when they have told me they loved me in the past but they have all been my boyfriend and generally I would say that only 3 out of the 5 of them where lying maybe even all of them where truthful they were just arseholes and I had definately known them for longer than 2 hours when the revelation came.

Couldn't fucking believe half the shit he was spouting, it was actually hillarious, particularly because I had even refused to tell him my name until he was leaving!!! That being said we did have quite a laugh and it was nice to have a bit of male adoration even if it was from a drunken buffoon. Its scary though because I could imagine a less wise and educated sister could quite easily have fallen for the spiel. I think many a girl from Speke has fallen victim to this nonsense. These blokes should come with a health warning.

What the fuck am I going to do about the neighbour situation? I am unsure if the girlfriend has moved in or if it is the dudes house and she just stays over occasionally but whatever the situation I am quite certain she does not like me! Should I go round and apologise? Or should I just leave it considering I don't think I've done anything wrong I was quite clearly invited round and I was leaving anyway!!

This is what happpens when alcohol gets into my system. I am a bellend. Been sitting here for 2 days with drinkers remorse and feel paranoid that everyone hates me. Also feel depressed that nobody loves me (apart from party dude of course) and it even makes me really miss my ex...I am certain this is just hangover related and I will be absolutely fine tomorrow. I am also overjoyed that I did not shag that party dude. I was really pissed and it would have been really easy to, but I know I would have woken up the next day feel a million times more like shit. So I may be sad that I am hungover and sad that I don't have a boyfriend but at least I'm not a slag which can only be a good thing!

@singlegalabto xxx

Thank god I'm not knocked up

Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans I shit an entire street of semi detached houses this morning let alone a brick.
Came to my attention last week on Wednesday that there had been a distinct lack of monthly Mother Nature action in my life for a fair while. Was calculating how long it had been and it was defo before I went to magaluf. I'd stopped taking my pill on the Monday and I was by my reckoning 2 days late. I thought nothing of it and went about my business and forgot about it. This morning I woke up and was sick for no apparent reason. It was about 5am and I didn't have any stomach ache it was more the sort of nausea you get when you are travel sick. Funny, I thought, I have only felt like this once before and that was when I was.......shiiiiiiiiit.
Looked in the diary and I was now 9days late by my calculations. No period plus random spewing for no reason.....the writing was well and truly on the wall.
Shot up and got showered and dressed as quick as a could. Only one place a girl could seek refuge at 5am in a situation like this and that is the 24hour asda. I reasoned with myself that I could get the test, go into work, do the test (because I'd be dying to know all day) and if it was worst case scenario (knocked up by a bloke that couldn't give a flying bejesus about anything let alone me and future bouncing baby) I could go straight the sexual health clinic after work and cross the wtf am I gonna do bridge when I came to it preferably with the aid of a Valium.
So I flew over to the asda like a bat out of hell and wandered straight to the aisle of doom. Felt like a naughty teenager I did. Decided I wasn't gonna arse about with Asdas own pregnancy tests I wanted a clear blue bastard with a clear result. That is until I got to the aisle and found the clear blue tests all in big security boxes with price tags upwards of 15fucking quid. Are they actually fucking messing? 15quid? Security boxes? Who the fuck would rob a pregnancy test when they do them for free in the chemist? It's only bellends like me shitting themselves at 5am surely that actually buy these stupid things? Decided I didn't want to face a check out woman who would have to retrieve the test out of its Fort Knox capsule all the while giving me knowing looks of "been shaggin av u?" , "no wedding ring at?" , "does your parents know ur here?" (I looked about 12this morning) so I abandoned clear blue in favour of a 9quid first response test that didn't come with its own armoured vehicle. Went to the help yourself till, parted with 9 hard earned English pounds for something I ultimately would piss on and throw away and headed for the exit.
The fucking burglar alarm things started going off as soon as I walked out of the door didn't they. Turns out first response have one of those white strip alarm things they stick on dvds and stuff that was cleverly concealed underneath. So I had to stand and wait for the security guard who demanded to see in my bag and my receipt. I handed him the bag and you should have seen the blood drain from the poor blokes face when he saw what it was. Oh it's alright love he said. And off I went.
So now I was on my way to work thinking what the fuck will I do if it's positive?? Tell the dude?? Not tell him?? Move house to somewhere bigger?? Sell my arse to feed it?? Get rid?? Be a mother of 2? By the time I had got to work I had mentally got fat and joined the bingo and had done with it and by the time I got to the toilets I was sick with fear and dread.
The minute wait between the pissing and the big reveal was the longest minute of my life. I was already mentally texting the dude in my head saying erm hi, soz about this but uv knocked me up.... My life couldn't have been any more shit than it was at this point. And then, then came the moment I looked down at the little pink window to see one single solitary non pregnant line and I have literally never been so relieved in my entire life. You couldn't get the smile off my face all day to the point where people where asking me why I was so happy!!! Thank The Lord for that !!! Still no idea why iv not come on. Il probably come on tomorrow now I'm 9quid worse off but never mind.
Dude asked me out today, I'm literally snowed under with cock at the minute. Not heard from the oilrigger in 2 days since he got off the rig. Is anyone else sensing a bird? I'm sensing a bird. Oh well see what appens. I'm still all over the boy toy told him hel be having his induction in next week or so, he has to get enough money together first to pay for his own ale. Don't know what it is with me and the unemployed recently they seem to love me. Decided I quite like the old flame again might see him tomorrow and the new guy has potential so going to see if he can seduce me with his witty banter.

That's all for now kids x x x

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Defo got my swag back

If you read my blog yesterday you know I am occupying myself with an oilrigger, an old flame and a boy toy.....and a partridge in a pear tree.

Seen the old flame today. And do you know I think iv gone off him a bit. Doesn't seem as exciting as it was the first time around....in fact he was sort of doing my swede in. We chatted for a bit and he did the usual flirty tickling and messing with my hair but I am telling you now there was not the remotest hint of a party in my pants. Think I'm going to have to swerve him. Mind you saying that I perhaps shouldn't be too hasty as the aim of the operation is to cobble together a satisfying and fullfilling distraction until the love of my life comes and sweeps me off my feet and therefore I shouldn't be so quick to discard such an experienced and sizeable (if a little dull) cock.

The dude that is providing the majority of the excitement at the moment is the sexual sink breaking stallion that is the oil rigger. This morning I awoke to the following what's app:

Hey gorgeous. How's you today? Looking stunning in your picture. I love it. So you got much planned today? Xx

Now this is what ya like to see, the dude is ticking boxes on numerous levels. Firstly, a text in the morning, this makes me feel wanted and appreciated, next he's telling me I'm gorgeous, yes yes yes again always a fan of flattery. He goes on to tell me he loves my what's app pic, again this makes me feel spesh, and the he asks me what I'm up to giving the impression that he gives a fuck. Well done oil rigger, full fucking marks there. Not only are horny memories of our passionate fucking now in the forefront of my mind but you are also giving the impression you Care a little bit which is most definitely a plus point.
Back when out brief encounter happened years ago, communication on the oil rigs was not the best, there is no phone signal and the Internet was shit so I got the occasional email every couple of weeks and because of that we ended up not speakin very often. Now however I am delighted to discover that things have progressed and they can now wi fi and what's app out there. Excellent news for a young girl in need of adoration from afar. That's just it though, the likelyhood of me actually getting a grip of this dude again are slim, but never say never 4 years on he still thinks I'm hot...

The little boy toy has been a bit quiet today I suspect he's been out and got pissed, may drop him a little text later to see if he fancys a goosing next week on the provision that my boiler is fixed.

I had forgotten how easy this single lark could be. Got a little bit boring since the beginning of the year, a little bit calm, a little bit normal. Fuck that, the winter is approaching and I am having some reckless, selfish and downright filthy fun which is waaaaaay overdue. Yes I would like to be loved up and shit, but in the stark absence of a love affair a girls got to fucking eat. I refuse point blank to make any apologies for the randy mare that I am either!.

Ohhhh just had a text from the boy toy god love him. Iv dived straight in with the filth and came back with "your learning x"

So I said "listen, if we end up hooking up it will be you getting the fucking education"

And he said " I'll make sure I'm top of the class xx"

Fucking is right!!!! A young impressionable 22year old who I can train up exactly how I want !! Old enough to know his way around a fanny but not too old he's stuck in his bad habits and refuses to respond to instructions!! Don't you just fucking hate it when men watch porn and think that's what's meant to happen in sex? Iv had a dude on more than one occasion thinking it was absolutely horny as hell to stick his tongue actually inside me while he was going down on me. And Im lying there thinking seriously mate what the fuck are you doing. You've seen the size of your tongue, you've seen the size of your cock. How do you honestly expect your tongue to hit my g spot. Unless you are secretly a lizard and are going to project some sort of super long tongue out at some point. Clitoris. Tongues are for the clitoris. Tit.
Had a distinct oral sex drowt of late. Which is a shame because its my absolute favouritest way to orgasm. If you can make me come while going down on me straight away and I don't have to fake it then I'm basically marrying you and that's the end of it.

Just asked the boy toy if he's into anything filthy. Iv got everything crossed that he is haha. Thing with this boy toy is iv got a feeling he wants to be dominated which is not really my thing however this could bode well for my training course I want to give him so wel just have to wait and see.

He's just text me back after I clarified what I meant by filthy and I think he's literally just jizzed all overhimself.



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Variety is the spice of life

So it turns out I wasn't quite as smitten as I first thought and I have now come to the conclusion that I quite frankly don't want to play with mr smitten any more!!! Fucks sake what am I like. However with it now being November and it nearing the anniversary of the most traumatic events of my life to date I quite simply need an abundance of male attention to get me through this Dark period. There, I said it, I hold my hands up, I am not even ashamed of myself.
I thought 2 would be enough to get me through. So I firstly chose a dude I was having some harmless fun with last year! It's a strange one with him we never had a conversation about ending anything we just sort of seemed to stop shagging so I knew itd be a dead cert. so I text him on Wednesday night and asked him what was occuring and I know I'm gonna end up seeing him tomorrow at some point coz iv got stuff on that's gonna put me in the same place as him so I'm 90percent certain a re run is on the cards.
Just to make double sure iv got enough dudeage to occupy me iv routed out a little boy toy I met on the plane home from magaluf. This story is typical me. I'm stood in the queue and with easyjet there's a speedy boarding queue and a normal one and this dude was in the speedy boarding queue by mistake and got told to move. "Ay can I jump in there" he said to me.... I just sort of nodded, couldn't really be arsed talking to anyone and had spent whole of the day before fucking a about with the guardia civil but he ended up sitting next to me on the plane home and we got to having a laugh. Turns out he had just done the season out there and was flying home. Was dead funny, bought me a buttie, suggested we join the mile high club an all that, and By the end of the flight we were messing about that much that the passport people made us go to the same desk to get out passports checked coz they thought we were together!!! Anyway swapped facebooks and all that and off I went.... Hadn't spoke to him since. Well I messaged him on Wednesday too didn't I and I now have phone number and a promise hahaha. I'm not joking when I say boy toy tho he was born in the 90s oh well fuck it as far as I'm concerned if his mothers still not claiming child benefit for him then it's alright.
So I thought I was all set with the 2 dudes...imagine my surprise when a third turned up!! So yesterday I put on my facebook that I had a new number and I couldn't remember who I had text and who I hadn't so if u want my new number then message me. Straight away I get a message from a fittie I was obsessed with years ago!!
"We'll I certainly didn't get no text with your new bloody number!! Bad times. And what's all this I hear about there was a sighting of you in swanley the other week"
It was true, I had been in swanley 2 weeks previous and it transpired swanley is about 5mins up the road from where this dude lives.
The dude is an oilrigger and I was completely bessotted with him. We had some earth shattering sex, we even broke a sink off a wall during one hot fuck and I had been dying for another piece of him all these years but he lives so far away and he works on the oil rigs so it just never happened. He lives outside London and its a pain in the arse to get to as I have since discovered! We always say will meet up halfway but it never happens. Anyway we gets to chatting and he has now been texting me every day and also sent me pictures of his cock telling me how much he still thinks about our time together. To tell you the truth I'd swerve off both of the other 2 just for another night with this hot bastard he's on a parr with sexy sex on the beach bobby!!!
So that's where I'm up to at the minute. Got myself a trio of men to wile away my lonely days. Will anything happen with any of them.... Who knows.....I'd say the most likely is the boy toy, soon as my boilers fixed that young whippersnapper is getting a cordial invite round to my house where he is going to receive the most important practical lesson he will ever fucking learn teehee!!!!!

All thoughts of love, security, relationships and harmony are all right on the back burner until next year. Bollocks to it in having me a bit of fun for a change!!!
Xxx
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Things I don't give a fuck about

The less of a fuck you give, the happier you will be. I have compiled a list of things I don't give a fuck about and my reasons for this, in no particular order.
1. What I look like in photos.
The camera fucking hates me and while I'd like to think I'm not a total Uggo in real life, the camera transforms me into a gozzy spasticated twat. Even when I look at myself in the iPhone camera that's lookin at you and I think yeah I look sound, as soon as I click the photo button, immediately the image of me morphs into some mangled face ache. So I learned to live with the fact I always look a bellend on photos and it now no longer bothers me. Only thing is when ur out with people who haven't accepted the camera makes them look awful yet and make u stand there for half an hour on a night out deleting an retaking, u get annoyed that they haven't embraced the I don't give a fuck attitude yet! They'll learn.
2. What I weigh
Obviously I'm not sayin I'd be happy as a 30stoner who couldn't get on a normal toilet for fear of smashin it but I am sayin it no longer arses me what the scales say pretty much. Fat is a state of mind for the most part. Don't get me wrong if I put weight on I might feel uncomfortable in myself however I feel better through going the gym and toning up rather than losing weight. All girls seem to wanna be dead skinny. I did too once upon a time. I think the breakthrough came when I went to spearmint rhino in Vegas and ended up in a situation with a stripper which really is another blog entirely to be honest haha but my point is lookin at this chick and the way she moved in danced n shook her arse n tits n all that it made me realise what was sexy. No one wants to fuck a skinny bastard at the end of the day. It's all about the curves an what u do with them. Iv put weight in since I quit smoking, felt terrible at first, but hammered the gym all week an while iv only lost a couple of lb I look in the mirror an think defo fuckable.... So I don't give a fuck what the scales say.
3. Men with loads of money
I don't give a fuck about how much money a man has. In fact as soon as a dude starts drawing attention to the fact he might have wedge, I start to go off him. It particularly pisses me off when they pull out said wedge in front of u and start paying for things with a wad of 20s. My instant thought is what sort of bellend walks around with that amount of cash. It makes me think it's just done to show me how much money they have. Men like this tend to have little else to offer. Having said that I do on the most part tend to get embroiled with rich men. By en large I would say this was a coincidence altho the ones I have known to be brusteed from the outset have attracted me by their success rather than their dollar although its obviously a nice bi product if you get me.
4. If I look like a mess on an impromptu night out.
I can go the pub straight from work and not give a fuck. My main priority when I'm out is havin a laugh. I'm not there to pull, in fact I rarely pull when I go out on account of the fact I'm usually havin a shiney disco ball raving me rocker off somewhere, but if I go the pub and get bladdered and end up in town then I'm not arsed its all good. I am the least vain person ever my best mate dispairs of me sometimes but I really do find it hard to give a fuck. Il make an effort on a night out like but mainly u have to take me as you find me.
5. Going places on me bill
I don't give a fuck if in the first person at the restaurant when I'm meeting me mates il sit at the bar an make friends with the batman. I'm not arsed about going to new places on my own like the gym or to classes or moving teams in work or starting a new job. Literally could not give a fuck. Il go for a bevvie with someone iv never met on my own, il piss off to marbs with a fat guy, i quite simply do not give a fuck. I quite like my own company. In fact sometimes I prefer it.
6. People who don't give a fuck about me
My tolerance level for bellends has significantly decreased this year since my horrendous bereavement experience at Xmas. My not givin a fuck in this area is recent as I used to hate it when I thought people didn't like me or something. Now, I couldn't give a fuck. To my mates il go to the ends of the universe to support them or make their lives easier but as soon as it becomes apparent that someone doesn't give a fuck about me, I immediately do not give a fuck about them or anything they have to say. It's almost like they become a non entity with me. It's as tho something inside me says " this person doesn't like you, clearly they are a dickhead and are completely irrelevant and ridiculous. Can no longer authorise brain space for this waste of oxygen. Swerved" and just like that I can no longer give a fuck about anything they have to say. The main thing I have learned is it doesn't matter if people don't like you. Because nobody gives a fuck about who likes you and who doesn't.
7. If you are fucking my ex boyfriend
No body gives less of a fuck about who is fucking my ex boyfriends than me. No one.
That's all I can think of for now. I pretty much don't give a fuck about much
Xxxx




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Nipples

I am bored shitless and freezing cold waiting in for the boiler man so I have decided to have a full and frank discussion with myself about nipples.

I have a love hate relationship with nipples.

Twiddling with them too hard or too much makes me kind of feel like I am going to piss myself. I don't know if anyone else feels the same. I don't know how them birds off the pornos sit there with pure clothes pegs and nipple clamps on. I personally would scream my head off and there would be a big @singlegalabto shaped hole in the roof if anyone dared try and put any sort of clamping device on them. No tar. Having said that, done right, twiddling with them just right can make my orgasm speed up no end. So far there have only been 2 people in my shagging life that have got this perfect. The first one was sexy sex on the beach Bobby from Tenerife who hit the nail so accurately on the head I think he needs to get some sort of fucking award.

The second one is my current love interest who you may notice I am remaining cagey about but lets just say erm #smitten haha. Totally got it right last week and I think this is why nipples are so prominent in my mind at the moment.

There is a lot of room for error with nipples. Boys tend to just dive straight in with them, thinking they can pull them and prod them and squeeze them as if they where buttons on some sort of breast playstation. I find a lot of boys tend to forget that nipples and indeed boobs themselves are actually attached to our bodies and while yes, we do enjoy a bit of rough from time to time, the vast majority of dudes these days are no fucking Christian Grey. When I was 19 I was going out with a boy who BIT my nipples once. Bit them.Why the fucking hell would anyone think that that was ok? Playful nibbles from an experienced and skilled sex god...yes yes yes. Monster munch from a hungry and over excited 22 year old? No no no.

Boys/Men.....Know your limits.

Nipples are very clever. They let me know I am cold before I am even aware of it, allowing me to put the heating on before I feel cold myself. They also let me know sometimes if I am horny, before I know it myself. The other night I was lying watching telly and all of a sudden my arse got smacked by Mr #Smitten. First reaction was "what the fuck did you do that for you bellend?" but before I kicked off, I was alerted by my nipples that actually it was pretty fucking hot.

The man is here now in my bedroom fixing my boiler, and I am on the bed typing about nipples. Nipples tell me this is not exciting. Strange. I thought it would be.

2 faced fuckers, and why they need to grow a pair.

We all know the type. The people that are nice as pie to your face and then go and slag the living shit out of you behind your back. Whether its something stupid like taking the piss out of your barnet, or something more serious like they are seriously plotting your downfall, we all know at least one person that we couldn't trust as far as we could throw and while we wouldn't go out of our way to do them harm, we would be more than overjoyed if they where to, i don't know, accidentally shit themselves in public for example.
I got to thinking about this after blog gate the other day. Clearly our dear Crankie had been stalking my blog on the stealth for quite some time. I hadn't written one in 2 weeks and when I did write it she was all over it in hours. Its annoying because while I suspected she was a bad stalker, I didn't anticipate the level of stalking she was doing. I can only conclude she must follow my twitter somehow, or checks it right on the reggers anyway. Its also annoying because the blog weren't even meant to be all about her. I wrote that blog about this dude I shagged last winter, and that on Friday I was pissed off because she had made my mate ring me up alllllll night asking me questions about this dude when I was sat in snuggled up. It was out of order and it was that that led me to blog. I only wrote about why we had fell out because I wanted to give you some background on the bellendness of the situation, but the main point of the blog was not about her. I then had a rethink and thought shit I'm gonna cause my mate a whole load of earache here, so I quickly deleted the bit about her and thought right I'll re-write the blog when I get home. But then I went to the gym and I forgot/couldn't be arsed and Unfortunately she had already seen it and gone ape-shit anyway. And she became the main focus of it, which is grim haha.
It got me thinking though, how many other gobshites are reading my blog on the stealth? I reckon there are a couple more undercover mother fuckers that pretend they are not interested in me or my life but secretly sit there eagerly anticipating the next installment of @singlegalabto's escapades. There are a few people I don't see eye to eye with which from my point of view is for no reason. Does anyone else have people that seem to hate them for no apparent reason. Let me tell you, there is always a reason. It is only ever one of the 3 following reasons.
1. You have done something awful to them
2. They are Jealous of you
3. They see you as a threat.
Crankie falls into category number 3. The first thing she did when she realised I was upset was not to look at it from my point of view and try and see things differently, it was to tell me I was insane and twisted and then immediately get in touch with ALL of our mutual friends and tell them I was a liar. She saw me as a threat to her perfect image. And I can't stress this enough I couldn't have been any more gentle in the beginning saying look you know I just feel maybe I could have heard more from you.... Shes probably fucking reading this now and thinking whyyyyys she fucking writing about me, but I know her and if I don't write this and just went onto the next paragraph she would think I thought she was jealous of me, and I can't be arsed with her going around saying ohhhh she thinks i'm jealous what a bitch, I would rather she bitched about me armed with the correct facts haha.
The majority of people who seem to dislike you for no reason will fall whole heartedly into category number 2. Jealous Jealous Jealous. You know the type. The people who are just that little bit fatter than you. On just that little bit less money than you. Just that little bit less fit than you. Just that little bit beneath you. Whose lives are just that little bit shitter than yours. You get me?! So they feel that little bit of envy everytime they see you especially when you live the life of fucking riley like I do. I don't get it though. Don't get me wrong I get jealous of fit rich bastards with better lives than me too, but I'm more the type of person instead of sitting feeling jealous and hating them, I'll make friends with them and then say ok you fucker how did you get that boss hair/boss job/whatever, coz I want it too. I will go out of my way to be nice to anybody I meet. Until they fuck me over. When they are placed firmly in the cunt category. Even once you are in the cunt zone I am still a soft as shit mother fucker and tend to get over things quickly. I have no hatred towards any of my ex's. Not even the ones who shagged the pregnant girls and robbed from me. So you know if you remain in the cunt zone for an extended period of time with me you really must be a proper bad cunt.
I reckon there are a fair few people who know me reading this blog and having a little bitch to each other. Eeeeee she went the swingers club eeeeeee fuckin hell eeeeeeeee she's a slag. No ladies, I believe the term you are looking for is "I wish I had the bollocks to do some of this shit, my life is borrrrrrrrrring". I wish I was a slag. I wish I didn't have a big flump for a heart otherwise I'd be boss at being a slag. But I do ha! I also don't have nearly enough sex to warrant being a slag either. Altho did have some proper boss sex last weekend #smitten! So to those people who are reading my blog on the sly thinking your James Bond, This is a special wave to you!
I can't be arsed with 2 faced people. If you have a problem then man up and speak to me about it. Don't pretend your my mate and then slag me off behind my back. That makes you a bellend.
Elsewhere in my life I am absolutely fuming becuase my boiler is broke errrrrgennnnnn the insurance only covered me for 250quids worth of repairs, I had to pay 87quid for this other part thing, the bloke came out, was here all day, fixed it, it worked for one day and then it broke again. Im fuming. No heating and no hot water. Last night after work I went to the gym but when I had finished I realised I had forgot my towel so couldn't have a shower. I drove to my mums, got in the shower, and then realised I had left my clean clothes in the car. I had to put on some work clothes that I had left there, no bra and my trainers to go home. I had to stop off at the co-op on the way home so I had to walk into the shop in this absolutely beautiful outfit. Carlsberg don't do meffs, but if they did they would probably be dressed the way I was last night.
So today is going to be spent waiting in for the boiler man again. I feel sorry for whoever comes in, they are gonna get both barrels from me I think. Everyone say boiler prayers for me I badly don't want to have to get a new boiler, not least because I haven't got any bastard money!!

@singlegalabto

Being a winner

Well other than my phone blowing up all afternoon from cranksville left right and centre I have had a fucking epic day!! First of all I am overwhelmed by the nice messages n tweets iv got today, granted most of them where from me own mates but so many strangers too have sent me such nice words its nice to know people get me out there haha!!
Today in work I was on fire an a lady who I helped who was terminally ill told me I was a wonderful person and that I deserve all the happiness and joy that life has to bring me. Well I was fuckin sobbing buckets wasn't I, what a lovely thing to say. Made me feel all warm n fuzzy inside.
I'm totally smitten at the minute. Head over heels silly smitten. I don't wanna talk about it I'm that smitten. I'm hoping I won't bollocks it up hahahaha !!!
Ay I'm only blogging on my phone aren't I! Got the arl iPhone app for blogging and now I'm a blogger on the go! Made up!! God this week has been Chocca block full of over emotional drama queens yano an I'm not even talkin about blog gate last night I'm talking in general! Some people just love to be fucking dramatic! Any excuse to be fucking dramatic! Oh wait there let me just go an be a bit more fuuuuucking dramatic! Can't cope! Does anyone else find they are inundated with a deluge of muppets recently?!! Must be coz the clocks av gone back.
Still workin all the hours god sends to earn enough money to put me and my lad back on the rolling in it end of the spectrum. It's hard work this working single mother malarkey yano. Not just saying that to be on the band wagon but it's proper hard graft. Special mention to all the hard workin single mums out there doin the business for the cause. And the mums with fellas actually coz their just as hard fucking work. Pats on the back all round.
Right that's all I have to say this evening. I promise funny bloggage will resume soon my last few ones have been miserable and I'm starting to bore the living shit out of even myself. Finally I am experimenting with uploading pictures to my blog so here is a picture of a hoover.
Peace out mother fuckers xx



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Shags of Winters Past...

Jesus wept I've got so much I could blog about its untrue! Went to Spain for the DTR ended up the most drunk I have ever been in my whole life for the most part of it. I won't go into it too much but lets just say it involved vomit, running away from bars getting tomato's thrown at me, fall outs, tantrums, and the Gardia Civil. Had a fucking grin though hahaha
Right the main part of this blog is about a bit of drama that occured on Friday night. I used to have this mate right, I'm gonna call her crankie. So crankie was one of my best friends. She was always a bit high maintainance, pretty much always had to be her way or the highway and all of my mates didn't really like her very much because of this but I used to look past this and see the good part of her. She actually isn't evil or anything she's just a bad crank who can only see things from her point of view so when I write what happened don't automatically think "what a bitch" because its not thats she's a bitch she just can't really understand things from other peoples points of view but hey ho.
So the reason we fell out is complex. Last year I went through the single most difficult part of my entire life bar none. It started on a normal Tuesday afternoon in November when I discovered my Auntie lying in a pool of blood at her home. It turned out she had had an anneurysm and when i found her she had been on the floor for 2 days. She was relatively young at 57. Anyway she was rushed to hospital and spent the next month in intensive care. My cousin (her son), his bird, my mum and myself spent the next month going and sitting in Walton Neuro intensive care at her bedside day in day out waiting and praying but sadly the day before Christmas eve we were told there was no hope for her and she passed away on the 29th December. I was devastated. My cousin was just 23 at the time, both our dad's are not really around. I, being mindful of my own mothers health (my mum is older than my aunty was) took it upon myself to help our kid with the funeral arrangements. We did everything together, I even wrote the eulogy. We had the funeral, and as the 4 of us sat in silence the next day my phone rang and it was to tell me that my friend had comitted suicide. I was plunged into a deep state of shock and depression and in general life was a fucking shitter.
The reason me and crankie fell out was because I said to her I thought she could have been there for me a bit more. Now basically she will tell you I told her not to speak to me. Thats not what I said. I sent a message to all of my friends telling them I might be a bit awol as I was busy with stuff. This didn't mean don't reply to messages, especially not messages telling you that my mate had killed herself. Because thats what happened I text her and told her that on the saturday afternoon and she didn't reply until the Monday night and even that was a hi how are you feeling sort of message. She was also funny with me because we were meant to be booking flights to vegas the week of my aunties funeral and she didn't understand why I couldnt book. See its not that she doesn't care, its she really couldn't see that I'm planning a funeral, therefore booking flights to vegas and arranging my mother whos just lost her closest relative to mind the baby and book time off work etc was just not an option. I gently tried to tell her how I felt and she went mental telling me I was a shit mate and a liar and all this. Also the day I found my aunty while I was standing with the police waiting for the ambulance to come I text her and told her that she might not be able to come up this weekend (she lives in london) and she just kept texting about what should she do about her train tickets. Just like it completely did not register at all that I didn't give a fuck about her train tickets at that point dya know what I mean?? So we fell out. About a month later she said she didn't want to fall out over something silly, so I said well I didn't really think it was silly and spent 3hours typing her an email translating everything that had happened to me onto her life using people she knew to try and make her understand what I had been through so I used her mum as an example and said imagine you came home to find your mum on the floor etc, and she sent me this fucking mental message back saying I was sick and twisted for wishing her mother dead!!! And so I was like errrrr no I think uv missed the point but by this stage I just couldn't be fucking arsed so I had no choice but to call her a cunt and tell her to fuck off. And its really sad but as soon as I did I literally felt like a weight had been lifted and I could be free!!! Like I say though its not that she's a bad person, she's just a bit "oh thats really bad for you but heres how it affects me..." sort of thing. She's one of these that still lives at home with her parents, no kids, no real life experience and therefore it would be unfair of me to expect her to understand what I had been through etc but I did expect her to sort of at least try and see it from my point of view and think to herself shit I could have handled that a bit better there. But she didn't, and we don't speak, and now she slags me off to anyone who will listen.
On Friday this culminated in some major cranksville which I have now decided not to blog about for the sake of mankind soz abar that x
I am absolutely dying to tell you about another crank situation I had but I really can't because I know this crank and all his mates read this blog! Its such a shame though it had everything, drunk dialling, emotional outbursts all over the internet, inappropriately mental messaging for someone you've met twice in your whole life, the fucking works.  So I can't blog exactly what happened but as my very good mate Dolly said - note to self, don't date the fans.
So that's about all I have to report at the moment. Oh and the fact I have a majorly massive smile on my face at the moment, life is good and I'm happy. Going the gym now to get fit again
in a bit xxx

Im a bird, get me out of here!!!

Sick to the fucking back teeth of my life at the minute!
First of all my boiler is STILL bastard broken, I've had to to fork out for excess on my insurance to pay for this boilery part thingy and now I'm waiting for a sodding engineer to arrange a time to come and fix it. Its been ages and I'm in work all day tomorrow and then I'm fucking off to Spain on Thursday so itl just have to stay broke until then. I did go and stay with my mum for a few days where she has heating and hot water but I just can't fucking live with the woman so I have come home once more to freeze to death in peace.
To add to my misery at the moment my fucking car has broken! The brakes where making a moody noise the other day so I did what any respectable girl with absolutely no time on her hands would do and ignored it to see if it went away. Well it didn't go away and tonight I very nearly caused a fucking pile up when my car seemed to have difficulty stopping. Had to basically swerve accross the road into my street (Luckily I was not far from my house) and roll home and had to walk, yes WALK down to the leisure centre with the baby for his swimming lesson which let me tell you in heels is not a fucking ideal situation especially when you have to walk back home again.
Was planning on going the gym tonight, I went last night but I haven't been able to go in weeks because been busy with stuff so I have really been feeling shitty about not going because it helps me wind down and clear my head and stuff and so of course couldn't fucking get to the gym either which makes me fuuuuume because I am not going to have time to go until after my holiday now. I am all over the gym when I get home. All fucking over it. I am never leaving the house ever again to go anywhere other than work or the gym for at least a month I have decided.
Of course I will have to get my car fixed now too. Another thing on my bastard list. So in the mean time I am going to have to walk to work in the morning, which is grim, it is even more grim because I have left my sodding phone charger at my mums meaning my phone / ipod may not even have any bastard fucking battery in the morning which means the walk will be tuneless ohhhh its grim just thinking about it. "Is your car not driveable" my best mate innocently asked me..."Oh its fine to drive" I said "no problem, its stopping it babe, thats where the issue lies. I could drive that fucker all day long but when those pedestrians start getting in the way then Im a bit screwed aren't I"
 They have moved my favourite gym class on a wednesday night from 6pm to 5.45 leaving me only 15mins to get from work to the gym and changed and stuff which I feel is a personal fucking insult to me (its not like but everything is all about me at the moment so I don't care). I am up the wall. And if one more fucking gobshite asks me if i've fucking packed yet I am going to punch them square in the jaw.
I can't wait to get on this holiday. Glorious alone time with my dream team soldiers is just what I fucking need. We are all in desperate need of a life debrief at the minute. God how the situation is different from this time last year. Last year both me and Suzie where in the throws off illicit affairs and Bianca was in love with a bloke with a cracking set of collarbones on him. And then I got laid in the most amazing shag to date (see sex on the beach blog....ahhh lets take a moment to remember the orgasms I didn't even fake) yes what a fucking DTR that was. amazeballs. So this year the first thing we will do is sit down and outline who's in love with who, who's got the biggest twat drama, and who's ended up in a and e twice with fuck related injuries....(sadly not me, not had so much as a paper cut never mind cracked ribs and an internal puncture but im not one to be jealous...sob)
Ordered a dominos before so I am a fat bastard now. All I can think about is chocolate though now. Cant drive to asda because my car is broke and I can't even walk over to the garage because I might see fucking carwash casanover in there wanting to know when he can next sweep me off my feet with offers of "do you wanna come to mine and watch the match".
Its pissing me off too that my blog has been infiltrated with a fair few people who know who I am which means I feel like I have got to be reserved in what I say. In fact it really is winding me up to the point I may well start another one!!!
Fuck this shit, Its been 6 weeks since I've been laid. The more observant among you will notice I have not blogged a shag or 2 in between the last one I told you about so I will keep you guessing with that one haha but I am starting to get a bit mad for it now and I would go as far as to say I need to get laid, properly, immediately. Preferably causing me some actual bodily harm in the process.....Andy was always good at that.... Fucks sake haha

@singlegalabto xxx

Boilers, iphones and dates

Apologies it has been a while since my last blog, I have been up the preverbial wall with my life.
First of all I have had to come to the rather disheartening conclusion that in order to continue to fund my rather hectic lifestyle I am going to have to work more bastard hours therefore I am working all the hours the overtime fairies send me at the minute. I am currently 9 days into a 13 day stint in work, the next few days are going to be killer long shifts too so I am getting my head down and cracking on with it with the vision of my jaunt to Palma next week firmly in my sites. Get me on a beach with a long island iced tea IMMEDIATELY before I go chicken oriental.
My boiler decided to break last week leaving me with no heating or hot water.I refuse point blank to live in such hostile conditions so I packed a few bits and went to stay with my mum....where I was reminded of the reason why I chose to pack up and leave home aged 20 fuuuuuckin hell the moaning out of her!! Was there about a week and a half and today right oh my god I couldn't take it any more. First of all my son woke me up at 5am shitting uncontrollably left right and centre so I had to get up and sort him out. Once he was sorted I put him back to bed and I wasn't in work until 12pm and I was already knackered after working until 8 last night so I thought right I can catch up on some sleep here. Never really got back to sleep so I just sort of dozed and then My mother walks into my bedroom this morning at 9am opens my curtains and says come on its 9am get up! What the fuck?! First I'm 27 years of age who the fuck has the right to tell me to get out of bed?! Second I resent the "you lazy bastard" undertones of this curtain openage especially when I am doing nothing but work at the minute! So I had the mother of all cobs on getting up this morning. THEN I go to work which is a headwreck job anyway, do my shift, go home, sort some stuff in the house, then go back to my mums where I must have been sat down all of 5 seconds when my mother (who is retired and had spent most of the day re-potting geraniums) asked me when I was cooking the tea? You messing mother?? So I fumed and said I would rather stay in a freezing house than be harrassed all the time and I need some sleep and rest after this mornings stupid am start! So I have come back home and now I am dithering and apparently the insurance people want an extra 83quid to fix my boiler coz my insurance only covers so much. Fantastic!
Quit smoking, I'm on day 10...have a feeling my current short fuse could have something to do with that.
Ohhhh wait till I tell you about my Iphone disaster! So it arrived last monday and I was all made up until I tried setting the fucking thing up. Was stumped at the first hurdle of "insert sim". First of all its a fucking tiny little piece of shit not even remotely like a sim. Then I spend about half an hour looking for how to get the bastard thing in. I'm looking for a slot....I see no slot...I resort to the instructions that come with it and I am reffered to fucking youtube to watch some sort of some insertion tutorial. Are they shitting me here I'm thinking to myself. So I have to go to my fucking laptop to get youtube on and get this tutorial up and I am directed not to a slot but to a hole. I am supposed to stick some pokey thing in a hole and the slot will magically appear. I am advised to use a paper clip if apple have not supplied me with a poking device. Luckily apple HAD supplied me with a poking device and I proceeded to poke the hole. Now I don't know if i was poking it wrong or what but the fucking slot that was supposed to appear after the hole poking just would not come the fuck out. I spent 20minutes faffing around with this poking device and I was ready to shed a tear. I dont know if it was the universe deciding to throw me a bone or whether Steve Jobs himself came down from the big iCloud in the sky and poke that hole for me but after another 20minutes of faffing about with this poking device the slot popped out and I was able to insert my sim.
I thought it was going to be plain sailing from here on in but it proceeded to get progressively worse. I employed the assistance of a bloke who uses an iphone to help me out but my main problems where I did not know my passwords to literally any of the things I use like facebook, twitter, emails, fucking anything and certainly not my apple password which apparently you need for fucking bastard everything on this stupid piece of expensive technology. So spent a further precious hour of my very important life that I won't get back resetting all the passwords on my laptop.
After eventually getting logged into everything I only had to let all my nearest and dearest know of my temporary new number until I get the old one ported over. I have this magic thing that somehow saves all your contacts in a big cloud in the sky somewhere (or something, the science of it escapes me) so all I had to do was compose a text and send it to everyone. I gave it to my imported bloke assistant and said "do us a favour, text that to all the contacts will ya, i'm going to get in the shower Im pissed off with it now.
Guess what
The big cloud in the sky saves all your numbers even though you have deleted them so every number I have deleted since April was ported into my new phone
FUCKING ANDY GOT THE FUCKING TEXT
Could not believe it
After my big "do me a favour and delete me" speech from last month. "Hiyaaaa its me heres me new number etc etc"
BASTARDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So he fucking replies straight away doesn't he with "why are you texting me? Have you got the new iphone?"
So already at the end of my patience with my life I thought I'm not having this dipshit thinking Iv done it deliberately so I text back something like technical fault your numbers gone over to my new phone somehow.
He replies....why didn't you delete my number when I wiped you.
When I wiped you?!!! Is he fucking tryyyyying to wind me up?! I suspect he was and it bloody worked. So I replied and said listen I have this thing that saves all my contacts to some cloud in the sky or something and apparently it fucking saves numbers I have deleted it was an accident.
He replies again..."stop texting me and jog on"....well I was ready to punch someone in the face at this point so I replied
"All you fucking had to do was ignore the fucking message you absolute fucking bellend now I am already in a bad enough mood with this stupid fucking phone without having you starting a fucking barney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So then right, then he starts texting me about he needs time to get over me and all this. And THEN he decided to throw in for good measure that he had tried to kill himself the day after we split up. I should have just ignored him, however suicide is a touchy subject with me and he knows that I will never ignore someone who says they are suicidal so I sit there like a dickhead and ask him what the matter is and he starts going off on one about how hes alone and miserable and that I am always telling him what an evil person he is (now i have never actually said this to his face, how does he know?!!) and then he starts being a tit again so I text him and call him an attention seeking twat and that was pretty much the end of it!
I fucking hate iPhones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well actually no, now I have got used to it its alright but can you appreciate the trauma I went through? No need at all.
Oh and I went on a date on Wednesday night. Not with the carwash bloke I swerved him right off didn't I, no this was someone else. Got wined and dined in San Carlo which was decent....unfortunately I ended up absolutely bladdered. I can't remember getting home and I woke up covered in blood with a massive hand shaped bruise on my arm. Not entirely sure what occured there to be fair but I'm fairly confident I had a nose bleed in the night which caused the blood and I have more than likely almost fell over and someones grabbed me to hold me up to cause the bruise. Entirely not my fault I was basically fed copious amounts of ale from the word go. Like I say I can't remember getting home so I can't be CERTAIN I wasn't rohypnolled but I can be certain I wasn't raped or anything because my injuries where from the elbows up. So I've decided I'll let him take me on second date tomorrow to the pictures where there is no ale so I can work out exactly what the score is.
Right I can't be arsed typing anymore now.
TA RA
@singlegalabto xxx

Absolutely Fuck all to talk about

Haven't blogged for a few days and the reason for that is theres absolutely fuck all worth blogging about so I will cobble one together from the minor things that are going on at the minute.

1. Garage boy text me and asked me out again. So you will remember I swerved him last time he text me because he said he would text me he next day and then never for 3 days. So this time he sent me some message asking how I was and I felt a bit sly on him because he's obviously not got a clue what your meant to do to seduce women and hes also a credit meff because he text me once off his mates phone so I replied to him. And then he asked me out again....epic fail. Fully decided I don't wanna see this dude and I have already filed him away under the category of "pointless" so I sort of half agreed to this date (lets go the pub to watch the match or we can watch it in mine) and then made my excuses on the day.

Is he fuckin messin? I'm not being funny, but is that his idea of showing a girl a good time. Best hope that dudes hung like a donkey or there is literally nothing down for him for the rest of his life.

2. Work have been overpaying me and now I owe them loads. Fucking furious about this because it was me that discovered this and then went and told them. Should have just kept my mouth shut I suppose but I am too honest for my own good and wouldn't have been able to sleep at night for the fear they would have thought I was robbing them. Only reason I found out was because I was trying to see how much extra I got if I increased my hours because I am so skint!!!! So now I am working 6 and 7 day weeks doing overtime because I am fed up of being brassic and my credit cards are looking moody to say the least. Planning on hammering it on the ovies for the next few months and then hopefully il be in a better position next year. Saying that though I've got the DTR in a couple of weeks, and got to buy my Glasto ticket on Sunday and also I'm meant to be going to New York in March. Oh fuck it your a long time dead.

3. Following on from the cash flow problem I have taken to selling all my worldly possessions on ebay. Its good like but its such a lot of faffing about. Might do a car boot sale but I don't know if I can be arsed getting up at stupid o'clock to go and hang around in St Helens whilst wools rummage through my business by torchlight. Its just an idea anyway.

4. I'm on the champix ready to quit smoking on Monday, I am already eating like a horse so I will probably be obese this time next week but again I can't fucking afford it any more so im just going to have to be a fat fucker with stupid healthy lungs.

Right thats about all I've got to say, like I said...fuck all

@singlegalabto xxx

Kinky Fuckery Required

I am absolutely fucking steaming.

It is as simple as that. I've not been laid in weeks and I am starting to get pissed off with it. I follow @scousebabe888 on twitter right coz she's hillarious and she's always tweeting filth. Well I made the mistake of having a flick through her twitter before and now i'm ready to sign the sex offenders register. I'm not a lezza by any stretch of the imagination before you all get excited. I'm more...JEALOUS hahaha!!! Andy always used to moan he wanted a 3some for his birthday right and I always said no because I think for 3somes to be good you really need to be the guest star, I'd get far too pissed off with it if I was with a boyfriend and another girl (thinking eeeee you've banged her well more than you've banged me ohhhh i'm going in the other room an ringin a chippy you know the score girls don't ya) but right now the way I'm feelin at the moment I feel like driving round to @scousebabe888's gaff, pickin her up, legging it down to London and then turnin up at Andy's for a 3sum sesh before leaving and reminding him I am no longer speaking to him. He'd have to pay her like, I'm skint.

Oh my god see how steaming I am?? I've lost rational thought.

Speaking of skint I have come to the conclusion the only way I am going to get more dollar other than selling ones arse is to do all the overtime god sends which is why I am currently working 7 day weeks. I have also been selling all my old prinny frocks on ebay. Got a couple of Lipsy ones up at the minute and going to list some Karen Millen ones too. Got 9 people "watching" one of the dresses so hopefully they will get into a bidding war. Ooooooh watching....memories of the swingers club come flooding back..... STOP IT!!!



Stoptober is looming and I have been struggling last couple of days, still on about 7 or 8 ciggies a day which is a lot better than 20 but I am struggling to cut it down further. Think I am gonna go the docs tomorrow and seek medical intervention in the form of hard narcotics. I need to quit its costing me a fortune and also killing me which is not sound.

Right thats all I've got to say really. I'm gagging for a shagging and I'm skint.

Sly on me

@singlegalabto

xxx