Sorry, no shags here

Saturday night, it should have been oh so simple.

Had a family meal planned in the Orchid Garden in West Derby which is an amazing Chinese resteraunt. I should have been at home in bed by 11pm. It should have been a very civilsed evening.

So what happened?

Well I hadn't had a drink in ages and was really looking forward to a glass of wine so I bought myself a bottle. After I had drunk this I went on to consume to vodka diet cokes, and by the time it came to be home time I came up with the brilliant idea of going to meet my mates in the pub for a drink....famous last movements.

Met my mates at last orders and we then decided to get a carry out from the pub and head back to one of their houses. You know how this goes down don't ya. Go back to your mates with a shit load of ale...etc...and sit up till all hours putting the world to rights. 5.30am swings by and the hosts of the party decide its bedtime and its time for a taxi home.

Bladdered, alone but strangely still in the mood to drink I arrived home to discover the new neighbours that had just moved in appeared to be having a party. Was I annoyed at the racket? Was I worried about the fact there might be party animals moving in? No, was I fuck, I was overjoyed at the fact I had a new party to attend. Never mind the fact I had never met these people in my life, I was absolutely over the moon and was plotting on how I could score myself an invite.

This is the sort of knobhead I am ya see.

So I go out in the back garden to fuck about putting the bin out as ya do at stupid o'clock on a sunday morning and it wasn't long before my new neighbour invited me in for a drink. So round I go to discover my new neighbours party is in fact him and all his dude mates sitting playing the playstation and here I am in a house full of blokes. Oh god.

So I sit and have a drink and then the next thing I know is the new dudes girlfriend comes bouncing down the stairs and immediately starts giving me evils! "Hiya, Im your new neighbour" I say, trying to be warm and friendly to my new residents, she does not seem impressed. She goes into the kitchen to kick off on her fella and I get the impression I am no longer welcome at my new neighbours housewarming!!

So I say "Right I think I'm gonna go" and she says "I think you should!"
Oh my god Im in trouble now!!!
The look on my face must have said it all because she followed it up with a "Only coz I'm throwing all these out aswell"...
So back home I go with my vodka I have stolen from the party and the next thing there is a knock at the door and it turns out its a dude who was at the party. Do I send him away? Do I ignore him? No I invite him in for a drink! This is how up for a party I was at this point! So in he comes with a vodka and orange and proceeds to sit on my sofa and tell me how fit I am. Yes mate, thats a given.

After half an hour of this it starts to dawn on me that this dude thinks he's getting laid. I tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not the case and I don't just shag people I've only just met 2 hours ago....(...unless I am reaaaally horny or reeaaallly depressed and need to validate my life by feeling wanted and sexy etc etc but I think I got over that phase about 2 years ago to be honest)...and oh god love him he tried and tried for hours and hours. I am going to share with you some of the highlights of what party dude came out with during our friendly drink together:

"Your amazing"
"I think we have a real connection"
"I have never met anyone like you before"
"I want to have kids with you"
"I think I need to be with a more mature girl like you than some of the girls I normally meet" - took personal offence to this, is he saying i'm OLD??? I'm fucking 27.
"I love you"
"I will wait for you"
"I will change for you"
"I'll get a job for you" - personal favourite.

Seriously. Do girls actually fall for this shit? I know I do tend to normally (if a little fooishly) believe dudes when they have told me they loved me in the past but they have all been my boyfriend and generally I would say that only 3 out of the 5 of them where lying maybe even all of them where truthful they were just arseholes and I had definately known them for longer than 2 hours when the revelation came.

Couldn't fucking believe half the shit he was spouting, it was actually hillarious, particularly because I had even refused to tell him my name until he was leaving!!! That being said we did have quite a laugh and it was nice to have a bit of male adoration even if it was from a drunken buffoon. Its scary though because I could imagine a less wise and educated sister could quite easily have fallen for the spiel. I think many a girl from Speke has fallen victim to this nonsense. These blokes should come with a health warning.

What the fuck am I going to do about the neighbour situation? I am unsure if the girlfriend has moved in or if it is the dudes house and she just stays over occasionally but whatever the situation I am quite certain she does not like me! Should I go round and apologise? Or should I just leave it considering I don't think I've done anything wrong I was quite clearly invited round and I was leaving anyway!!

This is what happpens when alcohol gets into my system. I am a bellend. Been sitting here for 2 days with drinkers remorse and feel paranoid that everyone hates me. Also feel depressed that nobody loves me (apart from party dude of course) and it even makes me really miss my ex...I am certain this is just hangover related and I will be absolutely fine tomorrow. I am also overjoyed that I did not shag that party dude. I was really pissed and it would have been really easy to, but I know I would have woken up the next day feel a million times more like shit. So I may be sad that I am hungover and sad that I don't have a boyfriend but at least I'm not a slag which can only be a good thing!

@singlegalabto xxx