Gym Bitch

Well it has been 2013 for 4 whole days and so far I have discovered that I am a proper bitch in 2013 and have very little patience for fools.

After having spent the entire festive season, in fact the entire last quarter of 2012 if I'm honest, being a disgusting fat lazy mess it became imperative that I face the situation head on and get on the scales. I boarded the vessel and looked down. Fuck my life I have gained a stone.
This in itself is not the end of the world. My arse is fit, my legs are fit, in fact most of me is fit. The only part that isn't fit is my Vicky pollard belly. I also felt absolutely disgusting after all the shit I had eaten. You know when you just feel lethargic and fucked up. Decided it was time I re-acquaint myself with the gym.
I am not going on a diet as such, I can't be arsed with diets or being hungry and if I want something I will eat it. I go to the gym to improve my mental wellbeing mainly and the fact that it improves my body is a welcomed bonus. I am lucky, I am an ectomorph (seeeeeee I did learn something from the personal trainer) and that basically means If I work hard and don't eat LOADS of shit then any weight pretty much drops off me. Which is handy because when I am not in the zone I eat quantities I find impossible to fathom how they ever fit in my stomach. Seriously. I will go to maccies and get a large meal AND chicken nuggets AND one of those little snack wrap things AND not even be full.
So I skipped down to the gym for the first time on the 2nd Jan which is what I consider to be the first proper day of the new year and I was able to look down my nose at those turning left into the KFC as gym junkies previously had looked down their noses at me. I was a winner, I was fit.
"Ohhhhhh finally getting back into it are ya!!" The dude on reception says to me before I have even said hello. Happy new fucking year to you too knobhead ha! Yes I know its been a while, but I am back now, and I am back with a vengeance.
I won't bore you with my gym routine but I was there about 3.5hours. Felt wonderful when I came out and rewarded myself with 5 weightwatchers biscuits. Yum Yum! Made the mistake of tweeting this and some fucking know it all comes back and tweets me telling me I should be stricter with myself!!!! Er Fuck off!! Who asked you!! I don't know why but this really fucking irritated me! I think I do not like being told what to do especially by people who I have a strong inkling haven't got the first fucking idea what they are talking about! So I asked why and he said because whats the point of working out in the gym if you are going to ruin it all by eating shit. Honest to god If I was following him I would have unfollowed there and then ha! So then I for some reason try and justify myself by saying it was a weightwatchers biscuit and the fucker comes back with "did you know diet food is laden with sugar?"
FUCK OFF!!
For a start, its SALT!! DIET FOOD IS LADEN WITH SALT! NOT SUGAR! WEAPON!
Jesus Christ on Fire I was livid! So I kicked off and he came back with "You don't take advice well do you, well at 28 you know it all"
First of all, no I do not take unsolicited advice well. Not one fucking iota!
Second of all, I have been on some form of weight watching scenario for 13 years. There is absolutely nothing I don't know about losing weight. I know the location of every single carb in the fucking edible world. I know the calorie content of everything, I know the salt content of everything, I know literally everything there is to know. I also know what exercises are best for me to do having spent countless hours in the Gym and with my personal trainer. YES, AT 28 I FUCKING KNOW IT ALL.
Third of all, LOSING WEIGHT IS NOT EVEN THE FUCKING GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I know I am anonymous page but there are a couple of pics of my bod knocking around in my photos.....I do not need advice from YOU!!!
Ahhhhh thats better I have had a little rant now!
Next day I was back in the gym working hard doing another 3 hours. Was quite surprised it wasn't chocca. Was expecting an influx of new resolutioners hitting it hard on a 9 day wonder but it was no busier than usual. There was however a new bloke in the body combat class. He came up to me and started chatting about body combat. He seemed alright, he was chinese and sweaty as he must have done the previous class. I'm not really a talker in the gym. Unless your fit. If your fit you can chat the arse off me but sweaty blokes need to fuck off. Anyway we did the combat class and I stayed to do body pump....low and behold sweaty chinese was staying too. We get all our weights out and he starts asking the instructor if there were going to be any rotators in the class (where ya lift ya weights up an rotate them out cant really explain it but its a weight lifting move). Who fucking cares?? Just do whatever needs to be done. I don't know if anyone goes to the gym and does these classes but with combat and body pump etc they have new releases every few weeks where the routine changes and because its a new year a new one had come out. I think he was just trying to show off to the class that he knew what the fancy words where for the different moves. I know what the fancy words are for the different moves because I have had personal training but you don't see me mouthing off about them do you. Fucking show off.
Managed to get through body pump and thought I would chill out in the pool before I went home. Ohhhhhh heres where all the fucking new resolutioners are! Cheating in the spa!!!! It was chocca!!! I got in the pool and start swimming a few lengths and I look over to the steam room and I keep seeing this bloke walking to the door and then walking away again! Who the fuck walks around in a steam room?!!! Just sit down and chill the fuck out!! When I looked again I noticed....it was fucking sweaty chinese!!!! It must have been his first time in the gym and thought I know I will literally try out every single facility there is. Swam back away from the steam room and when I was swimming back again this time sweaty chinese appeared to be pressing his entire body against the door of the steam room from the inside. Think titanic, except instead of kate winslets intensely aroused hand against the glass, imagine a sweaty chinese man.
I really wanted to go for a steam after working so hard but I thought there is not a chance I am going in there on my own. I waited for some fit dudes to go in. Fit dudes LOVE the steam room so I didn't have long to wait. Yes low and behold I saw 2 dudes approaching. They weren't exactly fit but I thought they would be adequate protection for me so I followed them in for a steam and then I went and got in the jacuzzi. Only planned on staying in there for about 5 mins before having another swim when....oh shit....oh god.....oh no.....a fit dude got in the jacuzzi with me. Shit a brick he was fit. Young too I reckon 20 tops. Body to die for....fuuuuuckkkkk. Sat there like a mute. Luckily I had chosen to wear a tits n ass swimming costume that was cut down the the navel and made the baps look boss. There was no way I was getting out of this jacuzzi now. So I sat there admiring the view of the fittie I was bathing with and also the silhouette of what looked like Daniel Craig swimming up and down in the pool when...no....please god don't tease me.....omg the fit dude in the jacuzzi has got a fit mate that also got in the jacuzzi. This one was even fitter than his mate. Shine a light. I was sitting in a bubble bath with 2 fit dudes not a day over 20. THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS WONDERFUL WONDERFUL DAY. Ended up having quite a laugh with them both, reckon they are BOTH on the to do list for this year. Note to self Thursday nights, fit dude night in the gym.
After I got home I was chatting to some dude that took me out on a couple of dates last year but annoyed me so much I swerved him and then I refused point blank to give him my phone number again after he deleted it during a hissy fit. Told him about all my gym work. What did he say??Well done you?? You'll be fit in no time?? You have got loads of stamina and endurance?? NO he told me not to strain myself. FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF this is exactly the reason I swerved him off!! Asked him if he went the gym. He said no. What a fucking surprise!!!!
So he got told to fuck off and all.

So what have we learned today? I love the gym, I know what to eat, I do not want advice from people who know fuck all, I don't suffer fools and I am a complete bitch in 2013.

AAAAAAAANND WHA?

xx