It's not you it's me...

After a hectic month of working all the overtime in the world and barely stepping over the door to have a night out let alone get laid I decided I would treat myself to a hair appointment. I had not had my locks coiffured since Christmas and my rather vibrant copper was resembling more of a washed out shade of shit.
With an afternoon off work booked as a treat I could relax and read a few mags while my dye went to work. Then it happened....I had an epiphany....the gods chose that moment to present to me the answer to why my entire love life has been crap from start to finish since the word go.....written.....in the holy scriptures.....of closer magazine.....




Oh. My. God.
That's Me. That's fucking me.
I'm fucking bastard suffering from god damn subconscious commitment fear.
Lets have a quick browse through the last few years of my love life.
2009-2010
Chris - bastard, player, arsehole, completely unsuitable, jobless, from wrong side of the tracks, would never in a million years want to marry and settle down with such a lowlife.....went out with him for 18months.
2010-2011
Mark - lived in reading. Absolutely would never be arsed spending more than about 2 days with him. He would ask my about my weekends and I'd say welllll I went to garlands on Saturday dropped a Gary got off my cake and now I'm in bed eating dominos spooning my Bezzie what did you do...and he'd be like welllll I played golf.... Never in a million years would have worked had nothing in common and he basically looked down his nose at me and thought I was a bit of an idiot. Was meeting him for a good year or so.
2012
Andy - lived in London. Finds maintaining relationships impossible with absolutely everyone including his mother, children, family and friends. Went out with him for a year.
Even if we look at the waifs and strays there have been in between there was a singer who lives in London, that lad from work last month is moving down south in a couple if weeks and even my beautiful sexy sex on the beach bobby who I obsess about regularly....he lives in fucking spain.
All of a sudden I began to realise. The fact I have only really gone out with/played with people who live hundreds of miles away is not just a mere consequence of living in the jet age.
It isn't that I just don't find Liverpool lads attractive as I have secretly told myself
I am subconciously choosing people that I have no chance whatsoever of actually having a proper relationship with.
Well fuck me.
The more I sat and thought about it the more it made sense. There has been a distinct absence of scouse cock in my little black book and the one that there has been had more issues than fucking vogue. You know why??? Because it is easier to sit and obsess about someone else's problems rather than sit and face your own.
So the problem page told me to read "he's scared she's scared". Thank god for iPhones and kindles. Within a minute I had downloaded that mother fucker onto my phone and began to read with eager hopefulness. Iv identified my issue and they say the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Pretty much figured this is bound to have some sort of deep rooted connection to some event in my childhood which I am yet to discover so was a bit excited to work it out and sort myself out.
Couldn't quite believe what happened next.
Iv only read a couple of chapters but it basically said what where your parents relationships like etc. Now my parents split up when I was 7 and iv always thought it didn't affect me or bother me but I was reading this and it said what where the relationships like you saw as a child, your grandparents, your aunties and uncles etc.....and for some strange reason I began to have big fat tears streaming down my face. My immediate family consists of my parents, my grandparents who pretty much couldn't stand each other, my auntie and uncle who split up and she then got with a nasty psycho.....oh my fucking god this is why!!!!! This is why!!!!! Iv grown up surrounded by shit relationships!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very shocked and upset and also intrigued by this discovery. But how could I have not known at the same time. I sat down for lunch with my very oldest friend on friday who is just back in liverpool after moving to israel and her first reaction was "and it's taken you 28 years to work that out?"
In everything I always have one foot out of the door. I haven't finished decorating my house because in my mind this house is temporary. I check the job vacancies every day because I like to know my options. More than that, I hate having anyone in my house longer than a couple of hours, it makes me uncomfortable, even my own mum. I am constantly travelling. I will think nothing of driving hundreds of miles in a day to see people, just so I can feel I can easily escape whenever I want. And I always choose relationships that I can easily get out of. And it's the fact I can easily escape all of these things that keeps me in my house, my job, addicted to these boys.
Crazy shit.
I need to sort this out though. I realised I have never imagined having a wedding, growing old with someone, settling down. As much as I think I want that, the thought terrifies me. And when I think of my friends who I know that are married etc, I wouldn't want their lives for all the tea in china. I'm scared it will be boring and mundane and I will be stifled. I had that once. And I ran for the hills.
I am hoping this book will point me in the right direction and I will be forever endebted to closer magazine and Tracey cox for shining a light on my problem. I am steering clear of all boys until I have cleared out my fucked up mind because evidently I am too bananas to be safe around men at the moment. Poor fucking me.
Xxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone